climb too high - part 4 (standard:drama, 5813 words) [4/4] show all parts
Author: snyrt	Added: Dec 27 2001	Views/Reads: 2392/1868	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
the fourth and final part of a bit of auto-fiction about a sociopath who takes a wrong turn into drugs after seeking treatment.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story


"Hey man, what's goin' on?  I haven't seen you in forever," Matt says. 

"I'm not doin' too much.  Just trying to get back into the whole
socializing bit." 

"Well, I'm on my way out on the deck to smoke a jack.  Come on out."  He
pulls out his pack of Marlboro Lights.  Gross.  Cigarettes are gross to 
start with, but those cigarettes just suck.  He walks through the 
kitchen and the living room.  I notice that everything looks exactly 
like it did last time I was here.  Everything was in the same place.  
It was a rather comforting feeling.  I liked being able to come back to 
one thing that was familiar. 

He opens the sliding glass door and goes out on the deck.  Vic and I
follow him.  There is a tree growing through the deck.  It's a massive 
tree and they have cut out a hole in the deck for the trunk to come 
through.  Next to the tree is a metal table with three metal chairs 
around it.  On the other end of the deck are three wooden chairs and a 
wooden bench.  We each sit in a metal chair.  Matt offers a cigarette 
to Vic.  Vic accepts.  Matt offers one to me, I decline. 

"They taste bad," I say.  Matt shrugs and lights his.  We just sit
there.  "So what are we going to do?" 

"Everybody's on their way over here right now.  They'll be here in a few
minutes.  Sean is actually coming over now, look.  I turn my head. 

Sean is a tall, skinny guy.  He lives right next door to Matt and
they've been best friends forever.  Sean looks a bit goofy.  He has big 
ears and a rather oddly shaped face.  His short brown hair accentuates 
these facial features.  He is wearing some baggy jeans, Birkenstocks, 
and a tie-dyed Grateful Dead t-shirt.  He just walks through the yard 
and up to the deck.  He looks at me. 

"Holy shit!  Henry!  What's up?"  Sean comes over and hugs me. 

"Yo man, what's goin' on?" 

"Where you been?" 

"Hospital, it's a long story." 

"Whoa, bummer.  You chillin' tonight?" 

"Yeah, mos def." 

"Tight."  Matt holds out the pack of cigarettes.  Sean grabs one and
lights it.  I hear cars come up.  As promised, Robby, Rob, Diana, Sean, 
Taylor, Smear, Buck, and Drew all come up. 

Robby is a guy about 5'10", slim, light brown straight hair flopped
evenly over his head, wearing a tie-dyed Phish t-shirt, cut-off khaki 
shorts, thick socks, and Birkenstocks.  Robby can be an emotional guy 
if anything goes wrong.  Robby is somewhat of a leader in the group as 
are Matt and Sean.  If you're ever at a loss of something to do, you 
call one of them. 

Rob is dressed a lot like Robby.   Rob is a skinny guy, shorter than
Robby and tries to be Robby lots of the time, though much more laid 
back.  He has now adopted the Robby style as his own. 

Diana is a tall, thin, attractive, fair girl with long, wavy, dark hair.
 She's wearing some flared jeans, flip-flops, and a tight, stylish 
shirt. She goes out with Drew.  Drew is shorter than her with shaggy 
Blonde hair.  Drew is absolutely hilarious.  He just takes everything 
as a joke.  That's a great kind of guy to have around.  He does, 
however know when things are serious and reacts accordingly. 

Taylor is a good friend of Diana.  She is a shorter girl with long,
wavy, light brown hair. She's thin, but not as thin as Diana.  She goes 
out with Smear.  Smear is a crazy guy.  He's got floppy blonde hair.  
He's growing a mangy beard.  He wears the tie-died Phish shirt, khaki 
shorts, and Birkenstocks style as well. 

Buck is one crazy guy.  He's hilarious.  He never really takes anything
seriously.  He knows that life's a joke and he makes the most of that.  
He always has a joke coming. 

"HEY!  IT'S HENRY!!" they all shout. 

"Hey guys, what's up?" 

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" Diana asks. 

"The hospital, it's a long story." 

"Are you chilling with us tonight?" 

"Absolutely." 

"Awesome." 

Drew speaks up.  "Anybody wanna smoke a bowl?"  Smear nods
enthusiastically.  I've never smoked weed but I figure if it's supposed 
to be a social drug, it would probably be good for me.  The three of us 
sit down around the metal table.  Drew pulls out a nice glass pipe and 
a small baggie of a beautifully colored bud.  He breaks off pieces of 
it and packs them nicely in the bowl.  He takes out his lighter.  He 
hands it straight to me. 

"Here man, you get firsts.  It's a welcome gift." 

I take the bowl in my hand.  I lift it towards my face, I exhale all the
air I've got.  I bring the bowl to my mouth.  Flick.  The flame dips 
into the bowl.  I inhale.  Deeply.  Stop for a second and swallow to 
keep my throat moist.  I inhale.  Deeply.  Swallow again.  Inhale.  
Swallow.  I can't hold anymore.  I pass  the bowl to Drew.  I just sit 
there and hold in the smoke forever.  About a minute must have passed.  
I raise my head to the sky and slowly and smoothly release the smoke.  
I feel my body ease a little.  The bowl is passed back to me.  I take 
another hit.  Pass. Hit. Pass. Hit.  Man, I'm really messed up, but I'm 
feeling social.  Well, I'm really messed up now, one more hit should do 
it.  Every second seems to be in a different place.  Like everything 
looks the same, but each view is a different world.  It is completely 
unrelated to the last view. 

"You fucked up man?" asks Drew. 

"Huh?  Oh, yeah, totally man." 

People begin to move.  I don't really keep track of where they are. 
They just switch positions.  I hear their mumbles.  I think profoundly. 


I Miss the Tan M&M.  I really do.  Before that stupid Blue M&M, that bag
of that candy-covered chocolate that melts in your mouth, not in your 
hand, was perfectly balanced.  Every color had at least one partner 
color.  Red went with Green, Green went with Yellow, Brown went with 
Tan.  It was so easy.  It made so much sense.  Now, Red goes with Green 
and Blue, Green goes with Yellow and Blue.  It's all just so confusing. 
 It was much easier when all the M&M's had just one partner.  The most 
horrible thing about all of this is that Brown is left all by itself.  
Doesn't the brown one get lonely?  It has no Tan M&M to chill with.  
You know that they used to be best friends, but now Brown just has to 
sit alone in the corner of the bag and has nobody to talk to.  It's 
lonely.  It's lonely.  It wants companionship, but that companionship 
has been taken away. 

"I am the Tan M&M, I was taken away from my Brown, and I must fight my
way back into the bag." 

"What?" asks Smear. 

"Huh?" 

"Damn man, you must be really fucked up." 

"Yeah man, I'm fuckin' baked." 

"Right on.  Can you drive?  We're going to the G."  Ahh, the G.  I
haven't heard that magical letter in so long.  The G-Spot, our favorite 
chillum spot by the river.  I hop in my car.  Buck comes in the car 
with me.  We begin to drive. 

"Hey man," I say to Buck. 

"Yo, you fucked up?" 

"Yep, smacked off my ass.  Are you?" 

"Yeah man, I've been fucked up since this morning.  School was great." 

"Awesome." 

"Oh yeah, guess what." 

"What?" 

"Guess what I've got in my pocket," Buck says with tremendous
enthusiasm. 

"What?" 

"A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH!!!!"  The amazing thing is that he really does
have an unwrapped, homemade roast beef sandwich in his pocket.  He 
takes it out. 

"WHAT!?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  I almost piss myself in that burst of
hysteria.  My head feels light.  Oh shit.  Am I going to faint?  No, I 
know why my head is light.  Laughter.  Social interaction.  I have won. 
I am used to the water.  I have taken control. 

"Guess who I am," says Buck with another joke up his sleeve. 

"Who?" 

"Johnny Carson!"  I crack up out of the pure randomness of it.  "Guess
who I am now." 

"Who?"  He shoves the sandwich in his mouth. 

"JOHNNY CARSON EATIN' A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH!"  My god, this guy's the
man. 

We roll up to the G-Spot.  Everybody else's car is already parked.  I
get out of the car.  People are wandering along the shore to our spot.  
I follow.  I look out at the river.  I love the Potomac.  That's my 
river.  That's the water.  That's where I belong.  Back to reality.  I 
stumble over fallen branches and logs.  I see the rocks ahead.  The 
actual G-Spot is a place with a couple of boulders that we sit on.  
Between the boulders we have placed a bunch of sticks in order to make 
a sort of roof over the nook between them.  We can go into this little 
hut if it becomes too windy or it begins to rain.  The little hut is 
only big  enough for two or three people, but it does just fine.  I 
sit.  Everybody else sits.  Matt takes out his bowl.  He packs it with 
weed. 

"Wanna smoke another bowl?" he asks me. 

"Huh?  Oh, yeh."  He passes me the bowl and the lighter... 

*	*	* 

I wake up back in my room at home.  It's 3:00 in the afternoon.  I walk
downstairs, my brain feeling fried. 

"Sleep well?" asks my mom.  She's sitting at the kitchen table.  Her
short gray hair is all I can see since her face is covered by the 
newspaper. 

"Yes, quite well." 

"Have fun last night?" 

"Yeah, I had fun.  I'm starting to make friends again." 

"What'd you guys do?" 

"Just chilled, watched some movies, walked around town."  She knows that
this is a crock of shit, but she really knows what happened.  Mothers 
always know.  I don't know how she knows, but she does. 

"What's your plan for today?" 

"Well, I seem to have wasted most of it already.  I guess I'll just do
some homework and maybe go out again tonight." 

"Wow, go out again?  You're adjusting quite well." 

"Yeah, last night I felt the lightheadedness come back, but I just beat
it without the pill, so I'm doing just fine." 

*	*	* 

Jonny was already in the car, and I'd just picked up Adam.  We had
decided to go on into Old Town to hang with Vic after he got off work.  
We got to Old Town and, met up with Vic outside his work.  We wandered 
for a little while and thought of things to do.  Suddenly Vic had an 
awesome idea:  ROBITUSSIN!   I'd never done Robo before, but I was 
eager to try it.  Vic and I were going to take it and Adam and Jonny 
were going to stay pretty sober.  We all rushed to the CVS and Vic and 
I rushed right in.  He went straight for the Cough Syrup.  I went to 
get us some cokes to chase it.  We got the Robo, and since it wasn't 
illegal, we sat down on the side of King Street to do it.  After Vic's 
first shot, we realized it wasn't that great of an idea to drink cough 
syrup on the side of the road, so we went back a couple of blocks and 
sat on a nice, deserted, brick patio.  We alternated in taking shots.  
I had set my limit at four since I'd never taken it before.  I took my 
first shot.  Sure, it tasted like cough syrup, since it was cough 
syrup, but it wasn't as bad when you weren't taking it for a cough, but 
as a drug.  I had my four shots and Vic had his five.  I wasn't sure if 
driving home was going to be a good idea.  The Robo chilled me out.  We 
walked down the street toward Ben & Jerry's while I nursed my coke.  
Halfway to Ben & Jerry's, a Honda Civic pulled up beside us.  It was 
Chris and Gungoll and George and Greg.  The Robo must've just hit Vic, 
because he ran into the street and tried to dive into the moving car.  
He missed the first time and bounced right off the car.  The second 
try, he went in through the window and rode down the street like that.  
When we got to Ben & Jerry's, Sean and Taylor were there.  Sean seemed 
to want to chill with Taylor, but all she did was talk on the phone.  A 
few people went into Ben & Jerry's and got ice cream.  Vic and I just 
sat at the table and admired each others' dilated pupils.  We decided 
to get out of Old Town and get closer to home.  We began to wander down 
the street.  Nobody really knew what was going on, so we just announced 
that we were going to meet at the 7-eleven at Hollin Hall.  I followed 
Chris's civic down the George Washington memorial parkway at high 
speed.  After about ten minutes of rapid transportation, we arrived at 
the 7-eleven.  As soon as I rounded the corner, I saw that Taylor was 
pulling out in her large SUV, Diana was behind her in her compact 
sedan,Chris was pulling in behind them in his civic, and I got in back. 
 Sean yelled to follow Taylor's car.  We followed Taylor into Waynewood 
and to some girl's house.  I didn't catch whose it was.  We found out 
that we had to get out of Waynewood because the parents in the house 
were trying to sleep and didn't want so many people around.  I went 
back to my car, and then turned around and went back to Taylor's SUV to 
ask where we were going.  After some argument, some people said we were 
going to the G-Spot.  I'd never been to the G-Spot.  I asked if it was 
by Rollins Hills, and they said no.  I was simply supposed to follow 
Taylor.  I went back to my car, and got in.  I waited for my 
passengers, Greg, George, and Adam, to get in, then I fired up the car. 
 Diana pulled up beside me and asked where we were going.  I just said 
to follow Taylor.  I saw Chris pull out and go the wrong way.  He went 
home because he was in a bad mood.  Taylor pulled by in her SUV, then I 
followed her, then Diana fell in behind me.  Taylor took a right and 
that took us straight to the parkway.  She pulled onto the parkway and 
sped off.  I double checked the road.  There weren't any cars for at 
least 100 yards, so I went.  I sped up fast so that I could catch up to 
Taylor.  She drives fast for a girl.  We were going about 60 on the 45 
mph road.  I was trying to catch up to Taylor so that I wouldn't get 
lost, so I pumped it up to about 65.  I saw a car come up behind me 
quite suddenly.  It first got my attention because I saw flashing 
lights.  I looked in my rearview mirror and all I could see were the 
headlights and the grill of a mercury sable.  It was tailing me quite 
close, so I sped up.  It started flashing its highbeams.  That must 
have been what the flashing lights had been.  It kept gaining.  I 
thought that it was just someone who knew me or someone from school 
showing off.  No matter what, I thought I'd better lose them.  I sped 
up some more because they didn't seem to care whether or not I was in 
their way, they had a speed, and they were going to stay at that speed. 
 I kept accelerating so that I'd have enough room to change lanes, but 
the car stayed right on my tail.  We were going about 90 when I saw it 
fall back for a second.  I was about to put on my signal to go in the 
right lane when I saw it dive into the right lane.  It must have been 
going 100 when it passed me.  I was quite relieved when it got in 
front.  As soon as it cleared me, it dove right in front of me and the 
guy slammed on the brakes.  I put on my brakes too.  My first thought 
was that he knew he was going too fast and wanted to slow down, but he 
kept slowing until he was stopped, blocking me completely.  I would 
have done an e-brake 180, but there was a median in the way.  I just 
came to a rapid halt and waited for a second.   I saw his door open, so 
I immediately locked all of mine.  He emerged.  He wasn't from school 
at all.  He was about 30-ish with short, dark hair, and hadn't shaved 
in a while.  He was wearing his work clothes and they were rumpled and 
hanging loosely on his thin frame.  He stomped on back to my car and 
went straight for my door.  He came up and started beating on my window 
and screaming, 

"What de fuck do you tink you doing?!   Open de fucking door!!!!"  His
accent was somewhat Greek.  He continued pounding on my window and my 
door trying to break it open or something.  I had no idea what I'd done 
to upset him.  I started screaming, "Get away from my car, FUCKO!!"   
He kept screaming obscenities and I started to tune him out as millions 
of possible decisions flew through my head.  Should I fight?  Should I 
have the other guys help me out?  Should I ram his car?  Should I ram 
him?  He took a step back and kicked my door.  He kicked it so hard 
that I currently have a large dent in the drivers' side door of my car. 
 I decided to run.  I slammed the car into reverse and got back about 
75 yards.  He thought I was only trying to find a way to get around him 
so he paced menacingly across the two lanes.  I popped the car into 
first, hopped up onto the median strip, and turned around.  I sped off 
in the other direction at about 110 mph.  I didn't want him to follow, 
and I didn't want to ever have to see him again.  I sped away until I 
hit Waynewood at which point I slammed on the brakes and turned down 
there.  I went pretty damn fast down all the residential streets.  I 
wanted to go to the cops, but I couldn't go to the cops in my 
chemically altered mental state.  I just went to the library parking 
lot across the street from the police station.  As I neared the parking 
lot I felt that the Robo had begun kicking in.  I was somewhat relaxed. 
 Well, I was as relaxed as one can be after someone has attempted to 
murder you and your three passengers.  I got out at the library, looked 
at the damage, paced for a few minutes, and then went and peed in a 
bush.  I'm lucky I hadn't peed myself while it was going on.  Greg, 
George, Adam, and I all discussed what had happened and tried to figure 
out why he was mad and what to do.  I just paced.  The Robo was really 
kicking in now and the ground was getting a little unstable.  Diana 
called Greg's cell phone to find out what happened.  I explained it to 
her on the phone.  I told her I was pretty shaken up and probably 
shouldn't drive down there.  She agreed to get Taylor and Chris and 
meet me up there.  We stood there pacing for a while.  Everyone arrived 
and I talked to people.  I told everyone what happened.  There were 
some gasps.  Everyone sat around talking about it for a few minutes.  
By then it was about 11:00, so I decided to get home.  Adam and Vic got 
in the car, I took Adam home, then I took Vic home, then I took myself 
home.  I parked outside and walked right into my parents' bedroom to 
report in for the night. 

"Hi mom, hi dad.  I'm home." 

"Hi honey, how was your night?" asked my mom. 

"Fun, but I'm pretty tired, I'm gonna go to bed." 

"Yeah, just go to bed, you have to get up early in the morning," said my
dad. 

"Yeah, I know.  I'm just gonna go check my email. 

As I checked my email, I talked to a couple of people and told them
about what happened, but when my monitor started changing colors, I 
knew the Robo was going strong and I should probably get to bed.  I 
went to bed and all I could do was fall on my bed.  The room started to 
warp around me and the walls began to liquify.  I couldn't sleep.  I 
had one part of a Jay Jay Johanson song stuck in my head, and all I did 
all night was involuntarily re-live the episode of the man approaching 
the car, beating on the windows, and me running over and over again.  
Each time I re-lived it, I did one thing differently, and each time I 
did something differently we all ended up dead.  It seems that out of 
all the millions of things that rushed through my head that I could 
have done, I chose the one set of options that kept everyone alive.  
The Robo kept me calm, and though it may not have made me think more 
clearly, it helped control my testosterone and my emotions.  Damn, that 
was one hell of a night. 

*	*	* 

I head over to Matt's house for Friday night.  He's just got some new
stuff.  We bought a pure kilo of Dextromethorphan Hydrobromide, or as 
it is also known, DXM, Drix, or Dex.  We have the powder, a scale, and 
gelcaps.  This drug is the active ingredient in Robitussin.  I'd had 
that experience.  Matt greets me at the door.  We go straight to his 
room.  He's got the massive bag of white powder sitting out.  He's 
measuring the weight of each pill.  I choose to take 300mg,  The dose 
of Robitussin only had about 100 mg and that was some powerful shit.  I 
pick up the pill.  I walk out of the room and to the dark kitchen.  I 
grab a cup out of the cupboard over the sink, fill it up with water and 
start to take the pill.  I look into the mirror with the pill in one 
hand and the water in the other. 

I've become the guy my parents warned me about.  I was never a drug user
when I smoked weed.  Look at me now.  I'm actually taking pills to get 
high.  I feel like shit.  Why am I doing this?  Why am I sitting here 
putting chemicals into my body in order to kill my brain? 

Despite the thought I pop the pill in my mouth.  I will never forget the
look of despair in my eyes as I took that pill.  This is the beginning 
of my plunge into a chemically induced oblivion for the next year.  I 
feel a slight buzz right as I take the pill.  I walk back to the room 
and sit quietly in a chair in the corner. 

"Do you feel anything yet?" asks Matt. 

"Just a little buzz.  I doubt anything will kick in for a while." 

"Yeah, you're probably just buzzed because of the little bit of powder
that was still on the outside of the pill. 

"Yeah, probably."  I sit in the chair.  They've just put on a movie.  I
don't pay any attention to it.  I just sit there.  Every second seems 
like an eternity.  I keep looking at the clock.  Every time I see it it 
says 3:48.  I ask if the clock's broken and they all insist that it's 
not.  Wow, I hadn't noticed.  People have showed up. Diana, Drew, 
Robby, Rob, and Julia have showed up.  Julia is an interesting 
character.  We always just call her Jew because she's always preaching 
to us and trying to get us all to go to temple with her.  She's short 
with messy blonde hair and wears loose, ratty flared jeans and an old 
blue t-shirt.  I climb up on the bed.  The bed is in the corner.  Diana 
has her head in the corner and her body diagonal on the bed.  I lay 
between Diana on the wall.  I sit there and look at the clock.  3:48.  
How is it still 3:48?  I don't even care.  I look up at Diana.  She 
rubs my shaggy, brown hair. 

"I'm a seal!  Bark! Bark!" I yell 

"Yeah Henry.  Sure you are," replies Diana playfully. 

"No, seriously, I'm a seal.  Don't you realize that?  Bark! Bark!"  I
clap my hands together with my arms straight out trying to mimic the 
clapping of a seal's flippers.  After that, I don't really remember 
much. 

*	*	* 

We have finals at school this week.  That means there are only half days
at school today.  There's going to be a picnic after school.  I take my 
math test.  I'm thinking that I aced it.  I take my English test.  
Ouch, that grade's gonna hurt.  Finally, school's out. 

I hop in my car.  I pick up some people.  I'm going to Collingwood Park.
 It's just a little bit farther north of the G.  Before I go I have to 
stop by Matt's house.  We're going to drix today.  I show up.  I grab 
myself a pill of 500 mg.  That's going to be crazy.  I walk to the 
kitchen to get a glass of water.  I look in the mirror.  My eyes are 
different.  I no longer look at myself in disappointment.  Today is too 
much a day of my youth that I feel this is going to be a good thing.  I 
look in the mirror and feel happy.  I'm just learning what life is.  
I'm experimenting.  This is fine.  I pop the pill.  I hop in the car 
again and head to the park. 

I get there right as Diana comes up with the food.  Mmmm.  That food
looks so good.  I wish I could eat it, but if I eat it will make me 
come down from my drix.  I take off my shoes.  Rob rolls up in Robby's 
car.  Rob is drixing pretty hard, just like me.  He takes off his shoes 
as well.  The sun is shining.  The sky is bright blue.  Everything 
about today is perfect.  There aren't any bugs.  It isn't too hot, it 
isn't too cold.  We run down the hill towards the river.  We enjoy the 
feeling of the grass under our feet.  We continue to run around as 
Diana sets up.  A bunch of cars come up.  All of our regular group and 
some other people come up.  People lay down towels.  Lots of people 
settle down under a tree and just sit there.  I take off my jeans and 
run around in my bathing suit.  Suddenly I feel tired.  I drop to the 
ground in the middle of everybody that's talking.  As soon as I hit the 
ground I feel like I need to get up because I'm full of energy.  I 
start switching from high energy to exhaustion.  It's so frustrating.  
I don't know what to do.  I get up and slowly amble to the picnic table 
to sit and look out on the water. 

"Hey Henry!" cries Buck.  "Come on!  We're gonna go jump off the dock!" 
There's a dock next to the park that belongs to one of the massive 
houses that line the shore of the Potomac.  I see five people running 
towards the lawn of that house ripping off their clothes along the way. 
 I stand up.  Wow, it's tough to stay balanced.  I start to run.  It 
works better.  It's a lot like riding a bike, if I go slowly it's 
harder to keep my balance, but I'm pretty sturdy once I'm going fast.  
I don't want to jump off the dock, but I'm intrigued as to whether or 
not they'll actually do it.  I stop just short of the lawn and look off 
the beach to the end of the dock.  They are all sprinting straight to 
the end of the dock.  They each do a flip off the end of the dock and 
swim back to the beach. 

"Man, that was so fuckin' cool!" says Drew.  "Anybody wanna do it
again?"  Everybody shakes their heads.  Now they're all in a swimming 
mood. 

"Who wants to go the G?" asks Matt.  Everybody starts yelling, "YEAH!" 
We clean up quickly. Well, I don't really clean up.  I'm still working 
on the whole seeing one of everything trick.  I start to stumble over 
to the picnic table.  Oh crap, where are my pants?  Wait, I left them 
on the grass over there.  I grab my pants and walk up to my car.  I've 
driven drixing before.  I can do it.  It's just a mile up the road.  
People begin to file up to the parking lot.  Vic and Diana hop in my 
car.  Diana throws some of the picnic stuff in the back seat and tells 
me to be sure to remind her to get it out at the end of the day.  I 
pull out of the space.  The car feels a little weird, but I can keep my 
mind focused for a few minutes.  I drive up to the exit.  There's no 
traffic.  That's good, one less thing.  I take a left and head to the G 
spot.  The Parkway is so monotonous that my mind slips off.  I'm not 
even sure what I'm thinking, but I'm out of it.  Suddenly I'm at the G. 
 I slow down pretty fast and turn into the parking space.  I did it, 
that's good.  Everybody else shows up right after me.  We get out of 
our cars and walk down to the rocks. 

"Does anybody want to go swimming?" asks Robby. 

"Totally," I reply.  We all start getting undressed and leaving our
clothes out on the rock.  We step into the water.  It's immediately 
knee-deep.  It's not that cold.  The water's a little bit cooler than 
tepid.  The muck at the bottom squishes between my toes.  It feels 
really good.  I wade farther out.  People start filing in behind me.  
I've never swum here before.  Robby takes the lead.  He swims here a 
lot.  He keeps heading farther and farther out.  The water goes 
chest-deep.  He keeps going.  He hasn't had to start actually swimming 
yet.  He can still walk.  We get out to the middle of the river.  The 
water's just above waist-deep.  Everybody is in a crowd.  There are 
shouts going all around.  Everybody's happy.  This is youth.  This is 
summer.  This is joy.  The lightheadedness returns.  Spinning.  Down. 

*	*	* 

"Mrs. Rodriguez, it was the drugs, not the stress." 

I faintly hear a sob far away.  Where am I?  Where are you?  Where are
we all?  Here are the doves.  Carry me away.  I am an independent 
entity.  I am nothing, yet I am existence.  Suddenly everything makes 
sense to me.  I am no longer restricted to the confines of a human 
brain.  I comprehend the universe.  I understand everything.  I know 
nothing.  There is nothing else left to do.  I drift.  I drift.  I 
drift in the sea of my subconscious. 

Drugs are like climbing a tree. Everybody tells you not to do it, But
you've got to try it, So that you can decide whether the thrill of the 
climb is worth the inevitable fall. 

I climbed too high, and the fall was just too much. 

Well, it's over, but it's been one hell of a ride.


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