An executioner's note (standard:humor, 823 words)
Author: Olygs	Added: Nov 14 2001	Views/Reads: 3278/2159	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Albert discusses with his uncle and father what he should write in his letter attempting to get an interview to be an executioner(in the form of a play).

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

him? They like a man with some respect. No respect for the living, no 
respect for the dead. They don’t just want any old psycho. They want a 
guy with a bit of respect. You were right first time my boy: ‘Dear 
sirs.’ 

Albert: Okay then. ‘Dear sirs, I would graciously like... 

Thomas: Woah! I said a bit of respect! Not bloody Mary Poppins! There is
a balance my boy. Get to the point, they like a guy who can get to the 
point. If he can’t say it straight in a letter, there is no way he’d be 
able to get out there and actually do the job. 

Albert: Okay. ‘Dear sirs, I’d like to be an executioner’ 

Louis: Perfect! Perfect! Now just finish it off. ‘From Albert
Pierrepoint’ 

Thomas: Shut up Lu! No, you got to show some skills. Its different from
when you and I applied Lu. There are less executions, they can afford 
to be more selective. You got to show a little bit of intellect. 

Louis: Intellect! 

Thomas: Yeah, intellect. Nowadays they want painless killings. It takes
a bit of intellect to achieve that. Remember Fran? The guy that first 
started putting the knot at the front rather than the back? He was an 
intellect. He’s the kinda guy they want. Now, what’s the best you ever 
did in a maths paper Alb? 

Albert: 85% But it was a joke of a paper, I was actually bottom of the
class. 

Thomas: They don’t know that. And they want good mathematicians. They
work out how far the people have to drop from their build now. 

[Pause, Albert writes] 

Albert: Okay, so here’s how it goes: ‘Dear Sirs, I want to be an
executioner. I have got 85% in a maths exam.’ 

Thomas: Errr, put you’re strong. They like that. Put that you worked in
the mills. 

Albert (As he writes): I am strong; I worked in the mills. 

Thomas: And they’ll know you’re my son from the name. Okay, now you have
to end it with a bit of respect. How about... 

Albert: Respectfully yours? 

Thomas: Don’t be stupid. You can’t end a letter ‘Respectfully yours.’
Try...’Yours respectfully.’ 

[Albert looks at his dad disdainfully, then writes it down] 

Louis: He’ll never get the job 

Thomas: Shut it Lu. Course he will. Good luck to you Alb. 

Albert: Thanks Dad. Lu, you want me to place that bet for ya? 

Louis: Yeah, thanks Alb. 

Albert: No problem. See you later. 

[Exit Albert. Thomas and Louis continue to read the paper and listen to
the radio] 

Curtain closes 


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