Wonderful (standard:humor, 3311 words)
Author: Kirk	Added: Mar 21 2006	Views/Reads: 3355/2359	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
And you thought YOU had a bad day....

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story


"I'm the head of 'Cost Analysis'", I replied. 

"Notice anything different this morning besides that you were late?" he
asked. 

"Well, I was late because of what I noticed different. Someone moved
my..." 

"Correct! That's because you are no longer the head of that department."


I suddenly had a real bad feeling about this. "What?" 

"That's right. Fuchs is now in charge." 

I was in shock. 'How did that little jerk wind up with my position?'
"Sir, I don't understand." 

"Do you know what this is?" he asked, holding up his mechanical pencil. 

Not having a clue as to where he was going with this, I just nodded. 

"Yep, it's a real beauty too. A top of the line refillable that takes
7mm replacement lead, both available at the office supply department on 
the third floor," he stated as he made a doodle on his legal pad in 
front of him. "Got this one about a year ago and it's served me well," 
he said, as he clipped it in his shirt pocket and tapped it a few 
times. 

I just gawked at him waiting for him to continue. 

"Oh, I notice you don't have one," he said, pointing to my shirt. 

I looked down. Indeed I did not. 

"I want you to take a look at this," he said, pulling a picture out from
his desk drawer and handing it over. It was a picture of me heading out 
of the building through the metal detectors with yesterday's date 
stamped on it. The time notation was way after my shift had ended so he 
couldn't be accusing me of leaving early. 

"Notice anything?" he asked, leaning back in his chair. 

I looked harder at the picture. "Oh, my shoe's untied." 

He tapped his shirt pocket. 

I looked at the picture again but had no idea what he wanted me to see.
He pulled out another picture that apparently was a blow up of the 
other that centered on the shirt pocket. 

There were two pencils identical to his in my pocket. 

"Where are they?" he asked. 

I drew a blank. "I...I...suppose on my desk...my desk at home..." 

"How about these?" he asked, tossing me another set of pictures from the
day before coming in with no pencils and leaving with three in my 
pocket at the end of the day. "And these, and these, and these..." he 
said as he repeatedly tossed more pictures at me with more and more 
pencils in my pocket as I left but none as I came in. "You have any 
idea how much those things cost?" 

I was totally embarrassed, exasperated, and at a loss as to what to say.
I felt weak and light headed. I momentarily lost bladder control. 

"I told you they were top of the line and only available to executives
in the company. In bulk, they cost $3.21 each. In these pictures alone, 
you walked out with $67.41 worth of pencils." 

I shifted in my seat feeling a bit moist in the shorts. 

"Fuchs brought it to my attention that too much money was being spent on
office supplies, namely pencils. Together we discovered the offender." 

"But Sir, Fuchs is an ass..." 

"Fuchs crunched some numbers for me. Want to know what he discovered?"
asked Whipschmear as he rocked in his chair. 

I was close to loss of sphincter control. 

"Well, let's take a look. If you took two pencils a day, five days a
week, fifty two weeks a year minus vacations, plus extra work on the 
weekends, times twenty one years, you owe the company $35,000.00," he 
stated, as he finished the multiplications on his calculator. 

I lost all function control below my belt. 

"So, unless you can bring back all the pencils you took, you'll have a
new position in the company that is suited for your talents as well as 
having a good chunk of the salary garnished as reparation." He sniffed 
at the air. "Do you smell something?" 

"No Sir. What is my new position?" I asked, adjusting in my slightly
soiled seat. 

"You're now the head of daytime janitorial duties and copier repair.
You'll have a tough time sneaking out with cleaning supplies." He 
reached into his desk and produced a rather large pocket pager. "Take 
this, you'll need it." As I took it from him I noticed a red indicator 
light blinking away. "I sent out a company memo this morning on your 
new position and gave out the pager number. Looks like you've got a 
call already." 

"But Sir, what am I supposed to do as a daytime janitor?" 

"Well obviously you can't clean offices with people in them. Your
services are more for fixing and cleaning up after toilet overflows." 
He glanced at one of his monitors and looked surprised. "Seems we have 
one already on the third floor. Of course there is the copier repair as 
well." 

"Sir, I don't know how to fix copiers." 

He pulled a six inch thick book from a drawer and chucked it at me. The
title was 'So, You've Decided to be a Copier Repairman': or, I had 
twenty bucks but didn't know what to spend it on so I bought this 
book'. 

"Now you do." 

Wonderful. 

The pager beeped and the light was flashing frantically. There was a
button on the side and I pushed it. "You have...forty two...new 
messages of which...forty one...are marked 'urgent'." 

"How many people are in my department?" I asked, wanting this to end. 

"Two. You and a guy I demoted yesterday that was stealing straws from
the cafeteria. Now get going, but first find out what the stench is in 
here." 

"Sir, I need to go home and change into attire that is more
appropriate." 

"Fine, just add the time to the end of the day," he said waving me out
of the office. 

I went out and hit the elevator button. 

"What the hell is that smell?" asked his secretary. 

"You have...forty three...new messages of which..." 

Wonderful. 

* * * 

As the elevator took me down, I realized I had a change of clothes in
the trunk I was going to use for a trip to the gym following work. I 
doubted I was going to feel like doing bench presses later so I took a 
hike to the car, grabbed the clothes and hiked back. 

When I returned, I asked the guard at the desk where my new 'office'
was. He pointed to a door with a piece of poster board taped on it 
marked 'Toilet and Copier Repair'. "Thanks," I said, as I headed over 
to what used to be a janitorial supply closet. I opened a door and 
there was a young man sitting on a bucket with straws sticking out of 
his nose. 

"I guess you're my assistant, huh?" 

The kid jumped up and pulled the straws from his nose. "Yes Sir, I'm
Darren Dagwood, at your service," he said, giving me a salute. 

"At ease. What's with the straws?" I asked pointing at the recent
nostril invaders. 

"Fetish, Sir." 

"Up your nose?" I asked. That was a new one on me. 

"No, I only do that when I can't shove them up my..." 

"Alright. Alright," I said not wanting to hear anymore. "Get a mop and
bucket ready. We have a lot of rounds to make," I said, holding up the 
pager. 

"You have...fifty nine...new messages of which..." 

I changed and did my best to hide the soiled jockeys. 

"What's that smell?" asked Darren. 

"Let's go," I mumbled. 

* * * 

Darren and I actually lucked out because half of the calls were for the
same overflowing toilet. The bad part was it was one mighty stinky 
overflow. Darren spent half the time cleaning up his own puke. Speaking 
of which, I had several piles to clean up in the cafeteria after they 
decided to substitute halibut parmesan for the standard Friday fare. 
The thing is, I have no idea how they managed to make it look just like 
beef-a-roni. 

By the time five o'clock rolled around, Darren and I managed to clear
out all the messages and made our way to the 'office' to put our 
equipment away. In the close quarters of the room I couldn't decide 
what reeked worse; the clothes I had on or the ones that I soiled in 
Whipschmears's office. Well, I guess I did have virtually every type of 
human excretion on me somewhere. Actually I may have had them all 
because the last overflowed men's room stall I cleaned I backed into 
something sticky on the door. 

"Well Sir, it was nice working with you today," said Dagwood as he stuck
a few straws in his nose and left. I dumped my bucket in the sink and 
headed out when the pager went off. 

"You have...one...new message...in which...one...is marked 'urgent'." 

I hit the button to retrieve the message and a voice I had heard before
came on. It was Fuchs. 

"Hey, Sweetwalker, the copier on twelve just died. Let's go pencilhead!"


Wonderful. 

* * * 

I finally managed to unjam the copier that Fuchs screwed up and headed
home around eight o'clock. By then my clothes had dried and were as 
stiff as cardboard. All I wanted to do was get a shower and get 
something to eat, preferably something other than fish parmesan. I 
walked up to the front door, unlocked it and entered. There in the 
middle of the living room floor was a present from my dog Jack, and a 
mighty present it was rising majestically nearly six inches from the 
carpet. The saddest part about that moment was that I didn't even smell 
it. My own stench was drowning it out. 

"Priscilla?" I yelled up the stairs for my daughter. "Priscilla, why is
there a pile of dog crap the size of a Studebaker on the floor down 
here? Don't you know how to let the dog out?" 

There was no response. 

That's when I noticed that Jack was sleeping on the forbidden sofa. He
lifted his head and looked at me like I should keep my voice down while 
he was resting. 

"What's that?" I asked him, pointing to the mammoth pile on the carpet. 

He yawned, jumped off the couch, and waddled over to his gift to the
world and sniffed it. Then he lifted his head to look at me and wagged 
his tale. 

"What, are you proud of it or something? Look at that!" I said, trying
to reason with him. "Did you eat a whole bag of Dog Chow or something?" 


He started sniffing my clothes and lifted his leg. 

"Oh no you don't!" I said, grabbing him by the collar and ushering him
out into the back yard. 

"Priscilla!" I shouted up the stairs again. Well, it was Friday night.
She was probably at the mall with her friends. Since her Mother left 
six years ago, she's gone from 'My Little Girl' to a full grown 
sixteen-year-old. Damn, they grow up fast! 

As I entered the kitchen to get the cleaning stuff, I noticed that Jack
had also been garbage hunting. The can had been full that morning and 
the kid was supposed to empty it on the way out to school. When I 
dragged her out this morning I completely forgot about it. 

It was empty now alright. 

I waded through the trash until I could get to the sink and the cleaning
supplies underneath. Thirty minutes later the floor in the kitchen was 
clean and the pyramid in the living room was removed. 

I decided it was time for a shower but I wanted to know where Priscilla
was. I called the cell phone I let her use. It rang three times. Then 
she answered. 

"What?" 

"Priscilla?" 

"Oh, hi Dad, what's up?" 

"Where are you?" 

"I'm at the mall...will you stop that!...I'm staying at Kim's tonight,
okay?" 

"Did you eat, honey?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine...will you stop it!...I'll see you tomorrow afternoon." 

"What's going on?" I asked as the line went dead. 

Well at least she was having a good time. I shucked my clothes and got
in the shower. I turned on the water and shivered as I waited for the 
hot water to work its way from the heater to the spigot. 

It didn't. 

When I waited long enough for my nuts to turn blue I turned the water
off and headed to the hot water closet. The red trip light was on. I 
hit the reset button and it sputtered and spit but the thing wouldn't 
come on. I memorized the emergency number that was on it and dripped my 
way to the kitchen to call them. 

"Could someone be home somewhere between eight am Monday and six pm
Wednesday?" Yeah, someone could if I wanted to keep the kid home from 
school or resign from my new position. 

I got back in the shower and froze my butt off. 

Afterward I grabbed a robe and headed to the fridge. Somewhere in the
twenty-four hours since the last time I had opened it, the thing got 
stuck on defrost. The blast of hot air and smell of sour milk that 
accosted me as I opened the door ensured that I would be calling out 
tonight. I checked my wallet for cash and found five bucks. The kid 
must have scalped me when I wasn't looking. 

Maybe I would have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead. 

I went to the cupboard and found a post-it note stuck there in
Priscilla's handwriting. 

"Shopping list: Cereal, tuna, peanut butter, jelly, bread, milk, eggs,
pasta, rice, potatoes, soda..." 

Wonderful. 

I looked at the time and it was nearly eleven. I decided to skip dinner
and headed into the den to check my e-mail. As I booted up the computer 
a naked Elvis started dancing across the monitor and sang a song about 
how all my files were being erased from the hard drive. '...I'm all 
shook up...' I watched as one by one, all the icons disappeared off my 
desktop. When the song ended, the computer shut off. After that, all I 
got was a blue screen when I booted the thing. All my files and 
pictures of my kid stored there were gone. Crap! 

I went into the living room and turned on the TV, hoping to find
something I wanted to watch, but it was a bad night. Everything that 
looked interesting I had already seen. I went to the video case and 
pulled out my favorite movie and popped it into the VCR, and flopped 
down on Jack's forbidden sofa. 

Nothing happened. 

I got back up and pushed the buttons again and the tape ejected. I
pulled it out of the machine and a long stream of tape came with it. 
Somewhere, the ends of the tape were hopelessly snarled inside the 
mechanism. Gingerly I tried to coax the tape out of the jaws of the 
thing, but it wouldn't let go. After fifteen minutes of this, I decided 
to go ahead and snap the tape. I could always tape the ends back 
together. As I fiddled with it, I dropped the cassette itself and it 
shattered on the floor, spilling tape all over the rug. 

"Looks like Dorothy's going to be stuck in Oz a lot longer than she
planned," I groused to myself. 

I went to my bookcase and pulled one out that I had read sometime
before. I went to my room to read in bed when I noticed an odor. My 
nose had been accosted enough during the day to cancel out many things, 
but I knew what this stink was. 

The cat sprayed something in the room. 

I looked around sniffing this and that and found that she had gotten
both my spread and pillows. I pulled both off the bed and tossed them 
out into the garage to be dealt with later, but when I went back to the 
room to read, the smell was still strong in the air. I couldn't take 
it. 

I went back out into the living room, let Jack back in and decided to
sleep on the couch. I laid down and closed my eyes. The cat jumped up 
and curled beside me. Jack laid next to the couch under my dangling 
arm. 

God, this day sucked. My stomach growled as I pushed all the crap that
happened today out of my mind and allowed myself to believe that 
everything would work out tomorrow. As my pets purred and snored next 
to me, I fell asleep. 

The phone rang. I answered it. 

"Hello, Dad? I'm at the police station..." 

"Wonderful."


Tweet