|The Logistics of Suicide (standard:drama, 1091 words)|
|Author: Sare||Added: Dec 30 2001||Views/Reads: 2117/1316||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|Otherwise entitled, "Why I've Decided Not to Do It".|
Sometimes you think it’s not that you need to be you, dead, but someone else altogether - the Whore of Babylon, Eve in the garden, the Virgin Mary - just anyone at all other than who you are. The thought scares you just a little - could you ride the seven-headed-beast, accept the serpent’s temptation, give birth in a stable? - but not nearly as much as the alternative - could you scrape a knife across your skin, tie a rope round your neck, or chase a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka? The other alternative is to carry on being you; you’re sorry if the prospect is less than thrilling for you. When you were younger, the times you wanted to die were at definable moments of hurt, anger, pain, or sadness. Then it moved on, recently, to a series of tiny, insignificant choices - should you eat dinner / get ready for school / go to class / read a book, or should you kill yourself? You are an actress with a recurring role - your contract seems about to expire but at the last moment is renewed, seemingly by pure chance, sheer luck. In the meantime you suffer through each grueling day in a sort of daze. The day’s biggest challenge might be a simple telephone call, and yet you may as well be trying to scale a mountain. Depression comes and goes. In the throes it is a cloud hanging low over your head, distorting your vision and hazing your thoughts. Every single aspect of your life is filtered through it, from relationships to judging the distance between you and the speeding car. You are normally extremely articulate and very intelligent, and yet when it comes to this you struggle for words: how to explain to someone who has never experienced it that you can’t just “snap out of it,” “get over it,” or any of those well-meaning but nearly nonsensical placates? How to explain anything at all, when speech and language have become part of the realm of the insurmountable: the daily struggle to survive... the incessant wondering if you even want to? The human body is an amazing thing. Sometimes when you’re depressed, you sleep not at all... lay awake for hours on end each night and drift into an uneasy doze not long before you must rise. Other times you sleep endlessly, rising with difficulty and more than the usual amount of reluctance. Eating patterns are similar. Usually you have no interest in food when you are depressed... but sometimes you eat and eat, not knowing why. But still your body harbours the will to survive... though your heart isn’t in it and your soul screams away from it, your body insistently tugs you towards health. You’ve heard in movies and songs that there are other people who feel as though they are screaming and not being heard, but privately you doubt that anyone else could feel this way... that it is unique to you and you alone. Some days you marvel at your strength: even feeling the way you do, you’ve managed to make it this far. Other days you bemoan that same strength and wish it away... wish for the cowardice you need to end your life. You know that most people have it backwards: to kill yourself requires extreme cowardice... to live takes courage and strength. The Whore of Babylon who rides the seven-headed beast, dressed in her scarlet robes... Eve in the garden of Eden who fell for the serpent’s temptation and ate the fruit... the Virgin Mary who faced down the Holy Spirit and the angel Gabriel and gave birth in the stable... There are many women in history whom you could choose as role models. You are an atheist and see the Bible as a collection of myths... why do you choose these women as paradigms of strength? Perhaps you could be one of Shakespeare’s heroines - an Ophelia or Juliet. The intelligence of Portia, the forgotten beauty of Perdita. Or perhaps a young Lolita, an unlikely Alice falling through the looking glass. The world is full of literary women: the Jane Eyres and Little Women, and Anne of Green Gables. And you want to be one of them? Being yourself is the hardest task of all. You can play the frightened woman in the Salem witch trials; you can play the angel in the Christmas pageant; you can play the dutiful granddaughter. You can play Snow White, as you look in the mirror and marvel at your pallor. Your eyes light up at the mention of Snow White and the succession of Disney heroines fills your mind, from Cinderella and Alice to Pocahontas and Mulan. How about Nala or Sarabe? Mary Poppins or Eglantine Price. Silly. Listen to me. Click here to read the rest of this story (29 more lines)
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