Pedagogy Of Love (standard:romance, 4051 words)
Author: Elizabeth Spencer	Added: Apr 20 2003	Views/Reads: 3340/2226	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A romantic tale of tug-of-war between love and logic. I have revised and editied using the respected adivse of "you" my fellow writers. Please keep the feedback coming. I hope you find this a better read now! Who ever responds if you have

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of our faces and I went back to work. Excited, glad to be alive, glad 
he was alive! 

Each day I eagerly rose and drove to work. Each day I was checking his
parking space as I entered the gated community to see if his car and 
motorcycle were parked in their perspective spaces, telling me that he 
was either at home or not. Each day I would wonder if I would see him 
or if his schedule would allow it. For the next couple of weeks I saw 
him twice to three times a week in the clubhouse. We would speak and 
with each meeting my feelings grew stronger. He asked me if I would 
like to take a ride on his motorcycle and I eagerly accepted. However 
the California March weather chilled the days and the prospect of being 
uncomfortably cold tainted my enthusiasm. Yet any excuse to be alone 
with him was worth the discomfort. 

One afternoon he came up to me and gave me his phone number asking me to
call him after work. I called him that evening and he asked me if I 
would like to take a ride that evening. It was an exceedingly cold 
evening and I suggested he come over and we could just sit by the warm 
fire and talk.  He accepted my invitation with urgency. Said he would 
be right over after he shaved and gave a strange gesture at the end of 
his statement. I thought he was implying a snuggle session but 
discarded the thought due its teenage implications. Plus the excitement 
of being with him gave questioning his intentions a millisecond of 
time. 

He arrived and we both found ourselves stumbling over our words like
children with the first-date-jitters.  I handed him a bottle of wine to 
open while I started the fire. With the fire lit and the wine poured we 
sat down on the couch. For some awkward reason we were still 
uncomfortable and at a loss for words. Finally he moved from one end of 
the couch to the other end of the couch and then leaned in and kissed 
me. Surprised and bedazzled I watched as his lips came closer to mine. 
Gentle non-demanding was he and I kissed him back. The more we kissed 
the more comfortable we became. We changed our seating arrangement 
several times finally he opted for the floor in front of the fire. I 
followed him down and we caressed with a background of warm flame. The 
music drifted in and out of our minds as he held me close. Our kisses 
became deeper and as I brought him closer inside I felt his force roar 
like a thousand lions charging after its prey. My mind swirled, my 
heart racing, our arms interlocked and our mouths searching for more. 
We became one with the music and our emotions slowly floated on our 
kiss, sweetly dancing upon the notes. We moved, felt and enveloped 
ourselves in a sweet perfect moment all our own. 

We released one another and I rolled over to face the flickering flames.
I said, “That was nice, we make beautiful music together”. He was taken 
back a bit and innocently replied, “Yes, you're a good kisser. We were 
kissing to the music." I could see his pleasure in his face and hear it 
in his voice. Thoughts soft like wisplike rain filled me.  I wanted 
him, I wanted to caress and savor every moment we spent together. 

Maybe it was the wine, maybe it just was bad judgment but without
prompting from him I started telling him that I had decided to remain 
abstinent until marriage. Instead of stopping there I went on to say 
because of failed relationships, blah, blah, blah, I would not make 
love to anyone until my wedding night. The words came out from my mouth 
calm and clear. But inside my heart they were like swords battling 
Mother Nature herself. I hadn't wanted a man this much since I became 
abstinent and was experiencing this epiphany of self-denial and how it 
struggles with ones own sense of morality. I felt foolish, like a child 
and at the same time it was like I was making inferences towards 
marriage. I wanted just to shut up and erase my presumptuous words from 
the cosmos. He looks at his watch and says he must go, we both have 
things to do tomorrow. I walked him to the door and he holds me so 
tightly and he kissed me deeply. I wanted to stay in his arms forever 
Images of how it would be making love to him, swept my breath away and 
I melted in his arms. He let me go and went out the door. I closed the 
door and smiled holding my arms around myself as if he were still 
there. 

The next day when he walked in to the office my first instinct was to
rush to him throwing my arms around him and whirling with laughter. But 
the decorum of work did not permit such displays of affection. He gave 
me a smiling good morning and went out and sat in one of the chairs 
near the fireplace. I could see him clearly from my desk and he could 
see me. I had to show a rental unit and left the building. When I 
returned reaching the clubhouse door a thought struck me. “What if you 
get your heart broke”? It scared me and my stomach went queasy. I stood 
up straight, knowing he would watch me as I walked into the room and 
passed him. So with dignity in my stride I entered the room. As I 
passed him I looked directly at him the words lingering in the back of 
my mind. His innocent demeanor seemed so harmless yet I knew he now had 
the power to break my heart and it was a frightening thought. 

Days passed, each day, I hoped he would suggest we do something together
outside of work but he didn't. We began E-mailing one another and I 
wrote: “I think we would make good lovers”. With that he immediately 
called me. I knew he would and I knew too that I shouldn't have even 
brought it up. But I did and now I was paying for it. I said something 
to the affect that my statement was merely an observation and I hadn't 
changed my mind about waiting. His retort was “Lori, I am not getting 
married just to have sex”. I was so embarrassed I wanted to hide. “Did 
I say that? in not so many words, I guess I did. I must have, I am so 
stupid! DAM, what he must think of me, the cheap ignorant twerp. OH, 
God kill me now and get it over with!!! 

Things went from bad to worse after that. I hadn't uttered one word to
anyone at work about us. The no fraternization policy prompted me not 
to say anything. Actually in the sane world there wasn't much to say. 
Two adults kissed, shared a bottle of wine and are attracted to one 
another. If we began seeing one another more, then I would say 
something or so I thought; being that I held a temporary position; once 
my employment ended we could come out of the closet so to speak. 

Then one day he lets me know he is leaving for a few days to go up north
and visit his family. I missed him everyday; work seemed so bland 
without him there. I became frustrated with his lack of attention. He 
hadn't asked me out, he hadn't made any reference towards becoming 
closer. And I was afraid that since he knew I wouldn't have sex with 
him that He felt why bother, I was a dead in street. He had made it 
clear that he had no intentions of getting married again. He had two 
failed marriages and had a bad taste left in his mouth from the 
divorces. I was in a quandary as to what to do. I pondered having sex, 
after all I wanted too, most likely more than he did. But then my 
integrity was also a factor. I had decided years ago to work on 
building a good character not just a shell pretending to be a person of 
self-respect.I also wanted to wait and make my wedding night something 
beautiful and memorable for both my husband and myself. It hadn't been 
difficult at all for me abstaining until I met this man. Which I think 
is just the way it is suppose to be, when you meet the right guy you 
just know it. Wonderfully frightening, this paradox of life's emotions, 
suddenly unleashed and unnerves the most sophisticated heart. 

I decided to E-mail him thinking he would find the message when he
returned. I suggested that we start dating or seeing one another 
outside of work and wanted to know what he thought. He called me when 
he returned and sounded so good, rested and refreshed. Yet as we talked 
I heard his voice ebb into something other than amorous and we hung up 
on a note of despair. The next day, late afternoon he surprised me by 
asking if he could come over to my house and we could talk. 

I said I thought it was a very good idea but I said it in away that felt
cheap as if I was going to bed him.  Well, I put that out of my mind 
and dwelled on the excitement of seeing him away from work. 

My roommate was at home, he had returned from Europe about a week prior.
I forgot to mention this to Allen so when he arrived he suggested we go 
somewhere and get a bite to eat. Something about his demeanor had my 
stomach in knots and I couldn't even think of eating, but I agreed 
thinking he wanted to be alone to talk. 

We reached the restaurant and I let him order and I turned my attention
towards the war currently being aired on the television at the bar. He 
ate and we returned back to my house. We never talked, it was as though 
we had nothing more to say, my heart was aching. He was acting like a 
different man, someone arrogant and curt. 

Once back at my place he and Bob my roommate talked about motorcycles
and guy stuff as I listened. I felt so uncomfortable that I didn't want 
to speak. They said something about how they only dated young women for 
one reason. Looking at me for a reaction I turned my face towards the 
fire and ignored them both. They soon were talking motorcycles. Bob 
wanted to sell his motorcycle and gave him a picture of his Harley and 
Allen said he knew a guy interested in buying one. Allen would give me 
a call and bring his friend and the picture back next Sunday. Tired of 
dealing with his arrogant air and feeling like the man I was so 
attracted to for his kind heart and considerate attentions was fading 
from my grasp. I got up and went into the kitchen for another cup of 
coffee. Allen followed me. I knew he was planning to kiss me goodbye 
but I was thinking forget it, you arrogant creep; you'er not touching 
me! Then he took me in his arms. I kissed him politely and coolly not 
offering a struggle or any hint of enjoyment. He made no indication he 
notice my lack of enthusiasm which testified to his self-absorbed 
attitude. We walked back out to the living room and he said his 
goodbyes to Bob. He seemed to hesitate his departure and looked to be 
waiting for some measuring sign of my reaction towards his kiss. I 
guess he felt he merely had to kiss me and I would melt again like some 
mindless teenager. "Not this time buddy, this hot spring just became an 
ice cube!” He walked to the door where I was waiting to grab the knob 
and said something about calling me Sunday. I blurred his words in my 
mind and open the door, closing it as soon as he hit the other side. 

The next day's drive to work was dreary and I wasn't anxious to see
anybody. This man that I had been eager to see, longing to hold in my 
arms again seemed like a mere memory.  He was a Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hide 
personality that could keep on hiding as far as I was concerned. When I 
saw him that afternoon we were more or less cordial but I was ready to 
quarrel at the first opportunity. I was feeling like this would-be 
romance was over before it had a chance to begin. 

He started coming in the clubhouse everyday and he became the
considerate, attentive man I had been so enthralled with. He would stop 
by my office with a charming hello or making me smile with some witty 
tid-bit. He acted as if he wanted to be near me but he didn't suggest 
we get together nor did he contact me outside of work. 

My emotions began flip-flopping like a fish out of water. I didn't know
what to think. I just waited for some sign that he felt something for 
me strong enough to make him want to be with me more. 

The time came when my job was to end. This meant that I would leave and
unless we had something going between us, I more than likely would not 
see him again. I had no intensions of chasing him or making any more 
advances. The ball was in his court and if he cared about me and wanted 
to pursue a relationship then he would have to put forth an effort. 

Thursday late afternoon I walked threw the side door of the clubhouse
and found Allen.  He was standing rigidly in back of a couch filled 
with senior ladies watching TV. I walked up to the pool table near 
where he stood, his eyes flashed in dark anger at me. I retorted with 
my own dark eyed angry look and turned my back commencing a 
conversation with another tenant that had a problem with his gate code. 
I turned back towards Allen and he caught my eye again. He gave me a 
look of pleading tenderness and my heart melted. I wanted to rush to 
his arms and hold him, kissing every inch on his face. But I just 
smiled gently and walked over to him caressing his arm affectionately. 
Letting him know I wasn't angery and that I still cared. 

I went to my office retrieving the parking codebook. I had to pass
behind Allen to return to Mr. Petree. As I did some mysterious force, 
like a powerful magnet, drew me to him. I stumbled to avoid running 
into his back and squeaked out, “ Excuse me” as I righted my composure. 
Acting as if nothing had happened I continued in stride towards Mr. 
Petree. Resolving the code problem, I looked up at Allen. His eyes 
still beseeching me with tenderness. His unspoken words filled my mind, 
“I wanted to be good for you”.  And I replied, “I wanted to be good for 
you too”. There was so much love in the silent utterances that my heart 
ached for him. 

I went back to work and the next hour hurried by. Within the last few
minutes, as the clock ticket down a blankly thunderous emotion started 
slivering its way into my mind. It was the fear of goodbye. It lingered 
as my mind registered that our feelings were unspoken, and could be 
easily mistaken by me.  "This might be the last time I see him" and the 
thought saddened me. 

The next day was my last day of work. It went by slowly, many of the
residents came to the office to say goodbye and wish me the best, but 
not Allen. He never appeared. I was both disappointed and grateful I 
wouldn't be able to control the tears if never seeing him again were 
the option. I think somehow he knew, that the last thing I ever wanted 
to do was say goodbye to him. But, if he wanted to see me again 
wouldn't he show up and tell me so. I shut my office door and slowly 
walked out of the building. 

A goodbye without a goodbye, love without a word, heartache birthed from
want instead of deed. It was a surreal notion of love, masked in a 
wanton tomorrow. Dry tears upon the wind my heart whispers, I want you 
but I want you without the unspoken veneer. I want to hear your 
voice,see you smile, hear you laugh. I want the feel you near me 
knowing that your feelings are really your own, not something I have 
made up in my own mind. 

Then morosely yielding to the fates I press to the hands they dealt
demanding answers to all my questions. Missing the way he melted my 
heart, made me smile at his smile, and thrilled me with his passionate 
embrace. My confused smitten heart becomes so very tired of pondering. 
Then the wind listens and she blows all the insights into focus like 
sparkling stars glistening in the wind swept sky. Afraid to say I love 
you knowing now all that entails. I know I like you, I know I want to 
get to know much better. Taking the time to actually fall in love with 
the person not just the man I imagined him to be; but the man and all 
his faults and atributes that are real, solid and tangible. I longed 
for the chance to find this realism with him and my spirits wained with 
the ticking of lost time. 

The wind like Northern frigid gusts remind me that when two people enjoy
one another enough to want to spend time together, waiting with eager 
anticipation for a night they consummate the Love they have found and 
nourished. It is itself a testament to the world that these two people 
genuinely love one another and want to build a life together. 

Strange how all the advise and reasoning of my parents seemed so old
fashion and trivial in my youth now sound so timeless. 

Mother Nature's tidal wave of hormones are like cerci's screaming sirens
even in a September romance.  They fog the mind with desire urging you 
to discard the thoughts of a wedding night painted with white rose 
pedals and memorable moments that actually last a lifetime for two. 
Proudly I walk away knowing that my dreams are untarnished and when the 
man I am longing to find, finds me; I can honestly say I have been 
waiting for you and only you. 

. 


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