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The Perfect Jerk (standard:Ghost stories, 5113 words)
Author: AnonymousAdded: Apr 07 2005Views/Reads: 2120/1334Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
An executive discribes and questions how a coworker can be employed at a 5-Star corporation. This rude, unmannered, and apparently mentally ill individual is the only sub-par employee out of a stellar group of the highest qualified staff you could hope t
 



"The Perfect Jerk" 

What a wonderful way to spend a Saturday morning, for the first time in
years Iím missing my 18 hole skins game. I'm killing time (no pun 
intended) sitting in a funeral home surrounded by coworkers, who like 
myself were ordered to show up. I cherish my executive position and I 
can't praise our owner and founder enough, but he has actually forced 
his employees to attend this service under threat of dismissal. The 
deceased was nearly inhuman, a horror, something out of a comic book, 
but let me start at the beginning. 

Perfection must be a state of mind, because outside of Mother Natureís
flora and fauna, that idealistic state does not exist in the real 
world. Things can appear to be perfect, oh so close to the ultimate, so 
near to the ideal, but something always comes along that leaves a 
blemish. An Artist friend at the local university often quotes; "I fear 
that even the Mona Lisa most likely has a fly dropping buried somewhere 
in itís pigment", and so it is with my almost perfect career at Burkett 
Financial. Iíve had rapid advancement, excellent wages, unbelievable 
benefits and perks, and Iím surrounded by the elite, a dream team, pure 
talent. But then there is Cletus, my Fly dropping in the pigment, a 
coworker we detest. The scourge of the corporation. 

Burkett Financial and Trust, B F & T, is a premier money management
institution, a private corporation. We play second fiddle to no one in 
the individual investor market. Some years our customers returns are 
30% ahead of market standards like the S & P 500 or the Dow Jones. Yet 
during periods of market correction, our clients suffer much less of an 
equity loss than the customers of all the other financial advisory 
firms. 

Jeff Burkett is considered a genius when it comes to equity analysis and
corporate market values. No other financial planning company, big or 
small, comes close to matching our outstanding record. Itís true, we 
have been criticized when we make open statements regarding a major 
change in our approach to specific markets, but inevitably, usually 
within 4 to 6 weeks, we are proven correct by the marketplace. B F & T 
has been on Money Magazine's Top Ten list of "Best Places To Work" for 
the last 8 years, and has made the Fortune 500 "Highest Corporate 
Integrity" list for 6 years in a row. It is a honor and a privilege to 
work for, or to know Jeff Burkett. Quality people line up for an 
opportunity to work at B F & T, and with only one exception, we have an 
unequaled staff. 

The "sub-par" individual I mentioned really plays no part in our
companyís performance, he is simply a custodian, but the man is like no 
other individual I have ever known before. From day one, this guy gave 
me the willies, and yes, I know first impressions aren't always 
correct, but 98% of the time they are. Just like a tickle in the middle 
of your back that you canít quite reach, the fact that this undesirable 
person is part of our elite staff is a constant source of irritation 
for nearly all our employees, including myself. 

I have tried to find something, anything good about the man, but I have
yet to discover it. At an early age we have been told that "Every 
person has a good side"! Well this fellow must hide his assets 
extremely well, because after nearly 14 years of being around this chap 
5 days a week, me, nor none of my coworkers can recall a single act or 
statement from this man that was not done in a rude, belligerent, or 
foul manner. 

Cletus Miller is an man about 65 years old. He is 5' 6" tall and weighs
just over 140 pounds. His eyes are set very close together, they are in 
constant motion, and they do not ever seem to be in focus. 

The stubble on his chin matches the color and may be longer than the
salt and pepper crop of hair on his head. His nose is not only bulbous, 
it is covered in red and purple veins, resembling a Tennessee road map. 
The snozola on comedian W. C. Fields doesn't hold a candle to the tuber 
on Cletus. 

The Company provides uniforms for their service personnel, and Cletus
wears one. We have been told that he has a stack of the original 
uniforms in his locker, and he should have, because he has been wearing 
the same uniform for literally years. Even if Cletus's personal hygiene 


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