|Free Range Chickens (standard:Satire, 3163 words)|
|Author: freerangemike||Added: Sep 23 2005||Views/Reads: 3271/1439||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|A free standing if not free range excerpt from my book. A gang of chickens, mercilously plundering and fighting and being consumed. Actually, the chickens are just a sideshow for the political manueverings of a bunch of political manueverers, but aren't|
Back in the age of Homo Wearsfurus, unevolved and primitive men raised chickens for the sole purpose of eating them. Some bright cavewoman realized it was far more difficult to eat chickens if you couldn't find them. She reasoned that chickens were too dumb to stay put unless they were kept in little chicken prisons which would quash the migratory instincts of these playful birds. Thus began the reign of Homo Chickenrancherus Maximus, as man began imprisoning these innocent and naïve creatures in constrictive pens. We all know that Mother Nature ensures that no predator is allowed to reign unchecked for too long, so Homo Vegetabilia Liberalis soon evolved to fight against Chickenrancherus Maximus. Closely related to Homo Arborum Huggerus, Vegetabilia Liberalis found sustainment not in eating meat, but rather in protesting. Vegetabilia Liberalis took great offense to the oppression of unenlightened animals by so-called enlightened people. Womankind has come so far in the past twelve to two-thousand years. We've discovered electricity and simple machines and Tivo. We've put people on the moon and found countless ways of polluting our planet in new and exciting methods. Surely, a race so capable of advancement and gluttony would rise above the oppression of so-called lesser creatures. Chickens should be free. Free from pens, free from injustice, free from persecution, free from Peter, Paul, and Mary hammer songs. It was time to take action. And action must beget words, for action to Vegetabilia Liberalis implied protesting. Their plan of attack followed the protester's handbook: 1. Support other protesters so that they support you; 2. Write letters to Congress persons, who ignore you until you send money; and 3. Do your best to present your point of view to normal people, which in turn makes normal people feel guilty, which makes them not want to feel guilty, which makes them not want to see you, and hence makes the probability that they dismiss anything you say just as likely as the probability they would have continued to ignore the issue had you never come along. And so stagnation eerily foreshadowed the rest of the events in this chapter. Until a nilatiR-hyped up kid entered the chapter, to bring the foreshadowed stagnation to fruition. It seems the precocious child sent Homo Vegetabilia Liberalis a copy of Yertle the Turtle to help further their cause. "And the turtles, of course, all the turtles are free, as turtles, and maybe all creatures should be," wrote Theodore Geisel. This passage should have been just the thing to win support for Liberalis, but instead, it was just the thing to distract Liberalis. After reading the passage, Liberalis concluded that before they could fight for the freeing of chickens, they had to make sure turtles were free. It seems Liberalis, like everyone else in this bored-inspired story, was far too dumb to understand the genius of Dr Suess, and they soon took up the rights of free range turtles. It turns out Chickenrancherus Maximus wasn't the smartest cookie in the jar either. Seeing Liberalis suddenly fighting for free range turtles scared Maximus. Borrowing from the United States Cold War strategy, they figured that in order to protect their oppression of the chickens, they must defend the oppression of the turtles, but couldn't justify a reason as to why turtles should be kept in chicken pens. They feared their whole way of life would soon come to an end. One of the desperate ranchers called a tobacco lobbyist for advice. The next week, the ranchers released a statement defending their use of pens. "Chicken pens are necessary to protect these poor defenseless chickens from evil coyotes and Oklahoma Irish Setters. And they are not addictive." This strategy only fooled Vegetabilia Liberalis for a few years, after which they realized that the constrictive pens did not protect the chickens from coyotes or Oklahoma Irish Setters (though they had to agree that chicken pens were not addictive). They were tipped off by the ranchers' complaints that coyotes and Irish Setters were eating all of their chickens. With this revelation, Liberalis was back on the chicken offensive, to which Maximus could only respond through circular logic and hollow-point bullets. The ranchers began to exterminate the coyotes and Oklahoma Irish Setters so that Liberalis would no longer be able to claim that coyotes and Click here to read the rest of this story (270 more lines)
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