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Quick and Dirty (standard:Psychological fiction, 2550 words)
Author: Devin B. WielandAdded: Oct 06 2005Views/Reads: 2082/1364Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Quick and Dirty follows the decline of a mentally unstable 25 year old. In short, this man believes he must return to kindergarten in order to get his life back in order. But things don't go so well when he tries to spend a day at Greene Elementary.

Quick and Dirty 

By Devin B. Wieland 

Recently I heard the saying, “Everything I need to know I learned in
kindergarten.” And it made me think that I must have missed something. 

I was alone at my kitchen table on a Tuesday morning. I always eat
breakfast alone. Not because I want to, just because there hasn't ever 
been anyone that has wanted to dine with someone like me. Sometimes I 
wonder why I even have more than one chair at the table, it only serves 
to remind me that there is no one sitting across from me. 

It was quiet in the kitchen that morning. I sat in the silence and
thought about the night before. I had done some things I shouldn't 
have, and the police had warned me that if I caused any more trouble, 
things wouldn't be good for me. 

It started when I decided to go out for dinner. I was by myself and I
chose to try the buffet just down the street. Dinner was fine, but when 
I asked the waiter for a take-home box, that's when things got out of 
hand. Apparently the diner didn't give take-home boxes because it was a 
buffet and, naturally, they didn't want people taking home full meals. 
But I had paid for my meal, and so what if I felt like eating it later. 
Anyway, I ended up talking to the manager, but he only reiterated what 
the waiter had told me. So I hit him. Then some of the other men in the 
restaurant were getting up from their tables and coming towards me, so 
I grabbed a handful of food from the buffet line and headed out the 

I had enjoyed the leftovers for breakfast that morning. After that I was
just sitting at the table and looking at the empty chairs. Some time 
passed, then I got up from my seat and arranged the chairs more neatly. 
I admired the perfect symmetry in silence for a few moments. Then I 
opened the window of my second story apartment and through two of the 
wooden chairs out of it. I waited for the crash of the chairs hitting 
the pavement below, then I closed the window. There were still two 
chairs at the table, one for me, and on just in case I ever found 
someone that wanted to eat with me. But I knew that the only way that 
would ever happen was if I could find out what I had missed in 
kindergarten. I would always be alone and unsuccessful unless I could 
figure out what everyone else had learned in kindergarten that made 
their lives so much better than mine. 

I sat back down at the table and put my head in my hands. I was losing
control and I knew it. I remember sitting there and thinking that it 
had to happen today, otherwise I couldn't go on. I was tired of working 
at fast food restaurants or at the laundromat, but most of all, I was 
sick of being alone. I looked at my watch and realized that I needed to 
leave for work, but I didn't move. Going to work wouldn't get me out of 
the cycle I was stuck in. My job was pointless and I worked with other 
people who hadn't paid attention in kindergarten. No, in order to break 
this cycle, I would need to backtrack. So I decided to do just that. 
Instead of going to work, which was currently at Arby's, I would go 
back to kindergarten for a day. Maybe I should have thought about this 
decision a little longer, but my mind was made up and I was out the 
door before I realized what I was getting into. 

My parents gave me a car for my sixteenth birthday. I thanked them
profusely for it, then I drove away in the night and never went back 
home. But that was ten years ago, now I was about to start making them 
proud. I was lucky that the car was still running, after all, it was 
older then I was. But without it I would have been taking the bus, and 
even that would have been hard for me to afford. 

After about ten minutes of driving, I came to the stoplight where I
normally turned right to go to work, but today I went left. There was 
an elementary school a few miles down the road. I think it was called 
Greene Elementary, but I can't be sure because I didn't check it's 
credentials before deciding to go there. 

I parked in the back of the parking lot and waited for the busses to get
there. I had Hoped that there would be some other adults who were going 
back to kindergarten that day, but when the busses started unloading, I 
realized that all of the students were very young. I was a little 

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