Do You Want Peace and Sanctuary? Don‘t Look For It in Your Own Home! (standard:humor, 1981 words)
Author: Amy Buchanan	Added: Aug 14 2006	Views/Reads: 2969/2031	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
The headaches we experience in living in our homes.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

would rather take my chances with the shower. 

Next I will mention the flusher. The flusher is a wonderful device. It
was invented by people who were tired of wearing clothespins on their 
noses and seeing frightening things. Out of sight, out of mind, right? 
That is why the flusher was invented. 

So it is designed to flush, right? What goes down must stay down. Flush,
flush, a dozen times, it will not go down. It would be easier to sink a 
whale then to sink what is in the toilet. 

You jiggle the flusher like you are tapping out a telegraph message. You
churn butter with the plunger. You dabble for apples in the tank. The 
porcelain monster refuses to cooperate even if you plunge its guts out. 
Just slap dab an outhouse in the back yard, stick a clothespin on your 
nose and be prepared to see frightening things. You can still churn 
butter if the outhouse gets stopped up. 

I will say some words about light bulbs now. The bright invention from
Edison, whose wife was tired of cleaning up the matches he left behind 
after countless all - nighters. 

Did Edison design the original light bulb so that it would never blow?
He started over a hundred years of chain blowouts. More light bulbs 
blow every second around the world then people blow bubbles with 
chewing gum. All packages of light bulbs should have this warning 
printed on the side: 

" This product is very cheap! " 

I think an imaginative, inventive genius should make a talking light
bulb. The light bulb could give a warning when it is about to blow. 

If light bulbs could talk though, we would treat it as an annoying
beneficial proclamation like the alarm clock and smash it with our 
fist. In the case of the light bulb it could be a broom handle. Hey! 
The light bulb was going to blow anyway! 

Light bulbs never blow at convenient times such as when you are ready
for bed. The light bulb never thinks this: 

" Oh, you are ready for bed. I'll blow myself out, so you do not have to
tire your finger flipping off the switch. " 

No, light bulbs blow when you are in the middle of taking your bath.
Trying to find a bar of soap in the dark brings you back in time to 
when you were a baby and liked to splash in the water. Except this time 
you are not gurgling or spitting bubbles. 

Light bulbs blow when you are having dinner and you are about to take a
swig of your beverage. Instead of directing the drink to your mouth, 
you snorkel your nose in it. You could spackle your cheeks with mashed 
potatoes or you could make your lap into a gravy boat. If you are tired 
of light bulb blowouts, just light a candle and carry it all over your 
home. Be careful when you are in the bathroom you do not drop it in the 
toilet. If this happens you could try to find a towel and torch that 
for a light. 

Another source of tension in the home is intruders. Your home can be
straitjacket airtight; some critter can still find its way into the 
tiniest hole or crack. You would think that a hole or crack smaller 
than most known insects could not admit the body of any creepy 
creature. They still manage to push and squeeze their way in. Critters 
are not happy climbing or leaping in the trees, crawling under rocks, 
or skittering through the grass. They have to make your home their 
personal party time place. 

They buzz in your face in the morning when you are having a snort fest.
Late at night when you are watching television, a gruesome crawler 
patters across your feet. When you are looking in the cupboard for a 
tasty tidbit there are two small black eyes gleaming at you above a 
mouth munching your pretzels. 

You arm yourself with a rolled up magazine, fly swatter, or broom,
whatever you can whack the brains out of the intruder. You careen 
around the house like a tornado, sucking dust balls up your nose 
looking under the bed. You are attacked by flying pots and pans as you 
look in the cupboards. 

You can look everywhere; you will not find them. They will find you.
They play slip and slide up your nose when you are sleeping. They leave 
little rolled up brownies in the silverware drawer. They Old Mother 
Hubbard your pantry. 

Even though you set out flypaper, flies still square dance all over your
pork chops. Even though you set out mousetraps, the little buggers are 
more clever than a safecracker is! Poison, Ha! Why would whiskered 
marauders want to eat tasteless poison! When there are better things to 
scarf in your bountiful cupboards such as cookies, chips, and boxes of 
O's, squares, and flakes! 

What can you do against the endless battle? For many years people have
tried to outsmart brains no bigger than a zit, this has not won the 
battle. The devious monsters are always snickering in the darkness. As 
you kiss the floor and stick your butt in the air with traps and 
poison. You bungee jump with flypaper off the ceiling. Who is having 
all the fun you or them? The only thing to do is leave the house to the 
creeps and skedaddle up a tree. You can tweak squirrels on their tails 
and play horsy on a branch. This way you can have lots of fun. As the 
intruders break out the popcorn and watch you out the window. 

The last item I want to discuss is this television remote control. It
was invented by people who were tired of getting sore sitting in the 
floor in front of the television changing channels. The most mild of 
people can become demons of power when a remote is placed in their 
hand. Operating the remote can change a person into the ultimate 
dictator. One of the most soothing activities in using the remote is 
flipping through all the channels in one second. This causes your eyes 
to become whip lashed and flash burned. 

Although the remote can be a gleeful gadget, there is also headache
sometimes associated with it. This is when the remote is lost. You 
spend hours searching around the room, shoving your hands down chair 
and couch cushions. You find everything else such as spare change, 
pens, pencils, chip crumbs, popcorn, candy, crossword puzzles, 
magazines, jewelry, spoons, forks, and toothpicks. You can not find the 
remote. Maybe it was sucked into the television. You look under the 
couch finding more magazines. You also find newspapers, catalogs, 
socks, empty chip bags, and soda cans, still no remote. 

People usually do not look under the chair or couch cushions or even
bother to look under the couch until they lose the remote. That is why 
a vast accumulation can be located in these areas. There can be a whole 
snack aisle from a grocery store in the chair and couch cushions and a 
whole newsstand parked under your couch. 

At this point, after you have looked for days for the remote, it is lost
for good. You should skip to the store and buy a new one. A cure for 
lost objects is to buy a replacement. You can then have double the 
pleasure as you now have a remote for each hand. You can change 
channels twice as fast. Instead of your eyes getting whip lashed, they 
can spin around in your head like toy tops. Neat! You can now take a 
peep at your brain! 

After that very long spiel, what do you think about the hectic life you
have to go through in your home? Does it make you want to buy a tent 
and plop it in the nearest woods? The only things you would have to 
worry about are bears and making sure critters never snuggle into your 
sleeping bag. Oh, come on! A tent can never be compared to your lovely 
home, can it? After all, home is where you hang your heart! 


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