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Belling the President (standard:fantasy, 2411 words)
Author: hvysmkerAdded: Jan 15 2007Views/Reads: 2150/1500Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
How I helped save my pal, Oscar Rat, from a Presidental setup.

On April 14, 2020, terrorists blew up an animal shelter in Texas, in a
town near the President for Life's ranch.  Three human workers were 
killed and all the animals set free, including three Canadian aarvarks 
being held as terrorist suspects. 

"The only evidence we can find are a pile of rat-parts, Sheriff,"  one
of the investigators told Sheriff Evens, "It must have been rat 
terrorists.  Obviously an aborted attempt on the President's life, Long 
live the Father."  He gave the new Federal Salute, a stiff right arm, 
held horizontal. 

"Long life to you, too." The sheriff returned the salute.  "I'll notify
the Father.  He ordered me to keep him notified." 


When the President got the news, he called an emergency meeting of his
patriotic Neo-Coms.  They flew in, at government expense, from all over 
the country, including the new States of Lebanon and Iraq. 

"We have no other recourse, Father," Secretary of Rodent Affairs, Condy,
declared, "but to declare war on those vicious, unamerican, rodents." 

"All of them, Condy?" the Secretary of State half stood in protest.  "We
have the brave Rat Commandos fighting in France for us.  Very brave and 
patriotic rodents." 

"We'll bring them home to fight the terrorist rats," the Secretary of
Internal Peace suggested.  "They can fight their terrorist cousins." 

"Against the rules and the Constitution,"  the White House Attorney
General protested, "to use Federal Troops inside the continental United 

"Screw that ancient piece of paper," the President told them, "this is
war.  Bring them back.  Rats against rats.  I love the idea.  Let's 
just kill them all and let God sort them out.  They're either for or 
against us, and I've never saw a rat I'd buy a used car from." 

"Uh, Sir.  Uh, rats don't drive used cars,"  one of the minor generals
said, "We have to use logic, Father.  Stay within the bounds of 

"And screw logic and reality.  I talk directly to God.  He's put me in
this position, to save the world for democracy. I say 'foo' to you, 
Sir,"  the President shouted the general down.  Damn, but that feels 
good, he thought.  It wasn't often that a draft dodger could shout down 
a general. 

"Back to the subject, Gentlemen," Condy said, quieting them down as she
unbuttoned a shirt button, getting their attention.  "We need someone 
specific to blame.  We can't blame all the rats in the country." 

"I know just the one," the President said.  "Blame that damned Oscar
Rat.  He gets on my nerves, posting articles and stories about me on 
the Internet.  He's perfect to blame, and an obvious traitor.  He's 
been a thorn in my side ever since I fired him for complaining about 
his pay being late." 

So, overnight, Oscar Rat was branded as a traitor and a terrorist.  He
was suddenly elevated to being the leader of a world-wide terrorist 
network.  Of course, Oscar, home eating pizza and watching television 
with his family, was unaware of the promotion. 


General Spike Ratoski, head of the famous Rat Commandos, was sitting in
his tent somewhere in the wilds of France, listening to American 
aircraft bombing Paris, when he received a special communication from 
Washington.  It instructed him to pull in his troops from fighting 
French aardvarks, and bring them home for domestic duty. 

The brave rodent followed orders and soon had himself and his patriotic
troopers back in the US, stationed at a secret base in New York State. 

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