|Any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental (standard:Inspirational stories, 1645 words)|
|Author: Anthony Estrada||Added: Mar 24 2007||Views/Reads: 1731/903||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|This is a story about an 18 year old boy who learns what it means to have hope|
One might ask what going insane is truly like. It's one of those things that you really can't understand until you've experienced it. We all have the tendency to keep things locked inside (its called human nature). Oh I really shouldn't let that bother me, Oh I'm just overreacting, Oh, I'm tough. This shouldn't bother me. The fact of the matter is our feelings are real and to simply crush them into a paper ball and stuff them deep down inside is like asking for self destruction to be delivered on a silver platter. For some of us, this learning process can be painful, full of sadness and despair. I know it was for me. I try not to look back on my past in the context of regretting my decisions and thinking of all the possible ways I could have done things different. That is unhealthy, but again, it's human nature. Instead, I look at my past to unveil how much I have been changed as a person through the challenges that have been laid before me. The same challenges that once made me consider suicide, I can now see as events that have helped me develop as a person. For that, I am thankful. Like any stupid 14 year old, I wanted a girlfriend when I was a freshman in high school. You know, someone who I could talk to on the phone, and maybe if mom wasn't too busy, get driven over to her house once in awhile. Hell, most of my friends were starting to get girlfriends, so why shouldn't I? Now relationships are great, don't get me wrong, but let's get real now. How many freshmen in high school do you know that are mentally ready to be in a relationship at that age? I know I wasn't. The problem with me was that I met this girl Tanya who was awesome. So awesome, that I got attached. You see, like most kids that age, I really, really didn't like my family. I would do just about anything to avoid spending time with them. So Tanya basically became my escape. Tanya was the person who I could really talk to about anything. We would spend hours up at night talking on the phone and it was funny because this was before every kid had a cell phone so we would have to call each other late at night with the risk of waking up angry parents. Now if you're reading this, you're probably thinking that this sounds more like a friendship. And to be quite honest that's what it was, and that is what it should have stayed. But nope, we were stupid. I don't know what it was but some reason we felt as though we needed to be more than friends even though it was clear that being friends was working out just fine. Again here comes the maturity factor. Friendships at that age are essential. Relationships however, are not. When you get two immature kids trying to play off the whole serious boyfriend girlfriend thing, you are asking for disaster. This is something I learned. So me and Tanya went through our Freshman year buddy-buddy, happy, happy. Or so it might have seemed. Looking back I realize that I was a chump. You ever do that? Just look at yourself in a period of time and say “Thank God, I'm not like that anymore”. Basically, I can comfortably say that smoking large amounts of marijuana had a negative effect on me, particularly at that time in life. I wasn't exactly “quality” boyfriend material. Of course Tanya never really said anything to me about this. Or maybe she did? It's all still a little hazy, to be honest. The fact is, I know Tanya must have been sick of my shit because when summer rolled around she gave me my first real dose of relationship-induced emotional pain: The pain that is unlike any other type of pain. Since that point in my life, I had dealt with the pain of having a friend die, physical pain, and the pain of seeing dramatic changes happen within my family. I have to say that there is no pain quite like that of which is caused by heartbreak. The closest feeling to love that I had ever known had been shattered. Tanya had hooked up with other guys while I was in California that summer. How stupid was I for thinking that she wouldn't though? Come on now, 15 year old kids trying to stay faithful to each other? I mean now a days it's hard enough for married adults to stay faithful to each other, let alone 15 year old kids with raging hormones. I'll be honest though; it still hurt...a lot. I think that was the point in my life when I just became silent for awhile. Maybe there was just one of too many things going on in my life and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I had no energy left. There were so many things I wanted to say but I just couldn't. I made things worse. Smoked more pot. Got into fights. Hated myself. The despair I felt throughout this time was caused by me holding emotions inside for far too long and simply ignoring the fact that I wasn't as tough as I thought I was. Tanya ignored me, and then talked to me, ignored me, and then talked to Click here to read the rest of this story (56 more lines)
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