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Intergallactic School For Secretaries of Superior Intelligence and Wit (standard:humor, 2086 words)
Author: kathygAdded: Jul 28 2007Views/Reads: 1790/1052Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Would you "fit" in this wierd and crazy school..."blast" off and take this voyage along the Intergallactic highway to this strange school for secretaries!
 



Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story


I had my 200,000 space tokens and I paid at the gate at Cape Kennedy.
After I boarded the Shuttle, I ordered my obligatory Manhattan, put on 
my ear phones and listened to the mellow sounds of aliens droning in my 
ears. In other words, I was attempting to learn the language of Planet 
X. My new home. 

The flight on the Shuttle was very smooth except for a few bumps on the
Intergalactic Highway. I spilled my Manhattan when some stupid man 
bumped into me and asked me what I was listening to on my tape player. 

"I am listening to the native language of the Planet X. I am planning to
attend school there." 

"You don't wanna go there, girlie." 

"Why not?" 

"Not unless you have a strong stomach." 

"A strong stomach?" 

"Yeah, I was there six months ago and I couldn't wait to get out! Those
aliens stink! They use generic soap." 

"Generic? How gauche!" 

"They don't even have a stick of Irish Spring on the planet?" 

"Nope." 

"How uncivilized!" 

"Yep, and they use Close Up Toothpaste. How Seventies of them." 

"Yeah, I'll say!" 

"If I were you, I would turn around and go back home. Unless you like
stinky aliens." 

"No. I'll take my chances, mister, but thanks for the tip. I brought
along a nose plug for this kind of emergency and an extra bar of Irish 
Spring." 

"Good thinkin' girl!" 

"Thanks." 

I smiled at the wisdom of my Shuttle mate and decided to heed his
warning. I just hoped that there was plenty of water on Planet X for a 
nice hot shower. I hoped that the water was blue, not green. I 
certainly didn't want to stink like the rest of them. The Shuttle hit 
velocity speed and shot past asteroids, stars, planets and solar 
systems until we finally raced by Exit 999 on the Intergalactic Highway 
leading to Planet X. My destiny 

"Here comes my stop. Nice talking to you." 

"Good luck girlie." 

"Bye. Bye." 

I put on my nose plugs as the Shuttle landed and braced myself for a
rough landing but it was rather smooth. I didn't feel a thing due to 
the simple fact that I had consumed five Manhattans during the trip, 
but I wasn't talking. 

When the Shuttle finally did stop, I gathered my luggage and met my host
family waiting for me by the lobby. The father of the group told me 
that they just purchased a new space ship just for this occasion. He 
tried to greet me with a hug but he smelled so bad that I quickly 
backed away and gagged. He pointed to the space ship and put my luggage 
in the trunk and off we went to my new home. 

My new home was on the West end of Planet X. A privileged part of the
planet. Only the very rich live there. I spotted a swimming pool in the 
back yard filled with green slimy water and a couple of palm trees with 
yellow palms and black fruit adorning the countryside. Dead flowers 
were abundant and the air smelled just awful. The air had a yellow 
tinge and I wondered if there was any trace of oxygen in the air. I 
would have to keep my oxygen tank handy. I had packed a small one that 
I could carry in my backpack for just this kind of emergency. I do hope 
to survive. 

I craved fresh air and was having my first pangs of homesickness. I
wanted to breath in fresh mountain air. 

"I miss the fresh, fresh air of home!", I thought, as I weeped to
myself. 

The mother showed me my "room" which was painted black and had no
windows. How was I supposed to breathe? I couldn't see a thing because 
I had no night vision. Darn. 

"I can't stay in here!", I shouted at the mother. 

She stared at me and threw her hands up in the air. She clearly didn't
understand me or she was doing a pretty good imitation of being an 
idiot. I would have to use my translator. 

I typed in English, "This room is all wrong for me. I need light and
fresh air!" The translator did its job wonderfully, I thought. She read 
my note and smiled. Then she opened the door, threw my luggage out the 
door and locked it. 

"You like room?", she said in broken English. "You not ask Mama, if she
spoken Englishes." 

"Mama, if I may call you that. The correct way to say that sentence is:
'You didn't ask Mama if she speaks English. Do you want to repeat it 
with me?'" 

"NO. I understands the Englishes." 

It was my turn to throw my hands up in the air. 

Communicating with these alien idiots was going to be a real challenge.
Maybe I could introduce them to Irish Spring and toothpaste while I am 
at it. It would make life more bearable for me while I attend the 
Intergalactic School for Secretaries of Superior Intelligence and Wit. 

It did get a little better, but it took almost three months for things
to improve. There were the language barriers, the local customs, 
especially the one where men stomp on puddles of green slime if they 
want to tell you they like you. The food was absolutely disgusting. I 
had to choke it down. The main staple of the diet on Planet X is Lucky 
Charms . On special holidays, these fine aliens treat themselves to 
corn beef and cabbage and swallow down buckets of Coors beer. No wonder 
these aliens smell so bad! 

I attended the school for almost six months and I didn't make any real
friends yet. Not that I didn't try hard enough. I did. I would follow 
the students to their favorite hangouts and listen to their alien music 
and tried the stomp dance but no one would ask me to dance. Until the 
day, I brought the pack of matches with me. I really like Claude, the 
alien with the blue hair and the red eyes, but he didn't even know I 
was alive. Aside from the fact that he smelled like a wet sock, he was 
okay. He laughed at me constantly and to me that was good attention. I 
decided that today was the day I was going to get Claude to dance with 
me. I placed a match in his shoe and I lit it up. I watched him jump. 
Just then, I pumped up the volume on my tape deck and we had a new 
dance. Everyone wanted a match and a turn at burning off each other's 
feet. 

"We dance again, soon?" Claude asked me right after he stomped on my
foot once again. 

I slipped another match in his shoe and lit it up. "I like it. I like
it!", I laughed at Claude as he jumped up and rubbed his hot foot. 

"Claude, how about Saturday night?" 

"Is good we dance?? I bring matches this time. No double dutch dates. I
pay!" 

"Thanks, Claude. See ya Saturday." 

I felt two hands over my eyes. 

"Before you go, I have a little surprise for you." 

"A surprise?" 

I closed my eyes. 

Waiting. 

I felt something being poured over my head. 

Splash!! 

I got slimed! 

Oh Claude! 

The classes were fun, especially the laser class. I wanted to do well in
that one. The purpose of taking a laser class was for the future 
Secretaries of Superior Intelligence and Wit to be one up on any 
delinquent clients or wise guys. One shot of the laser can eliminate 
any potential problems. The teacher, Miss Sonic Boom, lined all 150 
students each to match a target. I was number 75 in line. I was 
chatting with a student and wasn't paying much attention to Miss Boom. 
She walked up behind the students and tapped each one in turn on the 
shoulder to signal each student to fire his or her laser gun at the 
target. When it came to my turn, Miss Boom tapped me on the shoulder 
and shouted, "Fire!" so loud that I jumped. I fired my laser backwards, 
aiming directly at the teacher. Her purple hair caught on fire and I 
managed to burn off all of her hair on her head. The whole class had a 
good laugh at that stunt of mine. I got an A! 

"Good job, fellow Superior Secretary. A bad client needs an attitude
adjustment." 

"Next time, though, aim at the target." I blushed and I knew then and
there that I would fit in just fine here at the Intergalactic School 
for Secretaries of Superior Intelligence and Wit. 

I was even starting to stink like the rest of them. 

Life was good. 


   


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