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One man's vegetable is another man's heartburn (standard:Satire, 909 words)
Author: GodspenmanAdded: Oct 25 2009Views/Reads: 3466/1524Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
The wonderful world of vegetables and Yours Truly have come to a rather affable decision. I will point out that it has been a long time in coming, but finally, we have reached a point of harmony.

The wonderful world of vegetables and Yours Truly have come to a rather
affable decision. I will point out that it has been a long time in 
coming, but finally, we have reached a point of harmony. 

All through my life, people have been telling me how good vegetables
were for me and that I should eat them all the time. Even as a child, I 
was a little suspicious of all this pandering on behalf of vegetables. 
If vegetables were as good as people say they are, why are people 
trying so hard to sell them to me? 

"Go ahead," my mother would say to me at the supper table, "eat your
vegetables. They're good for you." Then, "You cannot leave the table 
until you've eaten all your vegetables!" 

This in and of itself has made eating vegetables a chore to be avoided
at all cost. I have often wondered why I have had to eat through a 
plate of vegetables before I could touch my dessert. It just does not 
seem fair to me. 

One of the reasons eating vegetables has been such a chore for me lies
in its terminology. For example, there is a head of lettuce and an ear 
of corn. Why are vegetables associated with human body parts? Every 
time I hear these sorts of associations, I get myself in a real 
vegetable stew. 

Recently, I spent some time traveling and after a while, I got a little
weary of eating out at restaurants all the time. This whole thing 
finally broke when the waitress taking my order asked me, "Would you 
like a vegetable medley with that?" 

Without even thinking, I responded, a little sarcastically, I am sure,
"No, I'd rather listen to the Meat Cleaver Quartet." 

Quite honestly, the vegetable medley is not music to my ears, even if it
includes corn. 

Don't get me wrong, I have eaten my share of vegetables throughout my
life. Actually, the purpose of vegetables on your plate is to contrast 
the delicious taste of roast beef. 

One vegetable I cannot take no matter how you slice it or dice it. I am
referring, of course, to broccoli. Where in the world does broccoli 
comes from? And who, assuming they are in their right mind, decided to 
eat the first broccoli? 

I know there are plenty of broccoli lovers out there who will be
offended by my coarse remarks about their favorite vegetable. Everybody 
has a favorite vegetable and I would like to quickly point out that 
broccoli is not mine. 

Just look at it. It looks like a little tree. I have never seen a tree
anywhere that I thought to myself; I'd like to eat that tree. Up to 
this point in my life, I have resisted all temptation to eat trees, 
regardless of their size. In fact, I am thinking of starting a 
brand-new organization called, "Stop Eating Trees." It will go by the 
letters SET. The slogan will be, "Let me SET you straight on 
something." Then I will go into all the reasons why we should not eat 

I am fighting a losing battle at home because the Gracious Mistress of
the Parsonage will often prepare for herself a dish of broccoli and 
cheese. What a waste of good cheese. 

I know someone will say to me, "Have you ever tried broccoli before?"
The answer will be, yes. It was the most horrible experience I have 
ever had. 

If you can get by it looking like a tree, you then need to chew it up in
little bits, by then you discover how nasty it all tastes in your 
mouth. I do not know about anybody else, but I love my stomach too much 
to send down to it something like this. 

Therefore, the wonderful world of vegetables and I have come to an
agreement. It is a very simple agreement, and one I can live with the 
rest of my life. 

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