Memories and Regrets (Part 3) (standard:non fiction, 2578 words) [3/5] show all parts
Author: Maya	Added: Apr 22 2001	Views/Reads: 2531/1842	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Part 3. It gets better from here.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

I guess I should say I knew him – past tense.  I guess I didn’t know him
even in high school.  At least not as well as I thought I did.  But, 
come on, this was not exactly like saying I’ve got brown eyes.  It’s 
apart of him the same way, but society makes it different.  Mixed into 
the pride I felt for him was a feeling of hurt.  Even after all these 
years, I was hurt that he didn’t feel like he could tell me.  This is 
extremely selfish on my part.  I know that, but it was an honest 
feeling.  I kept thinking, He could have told me.  I would never have 
told anyone else.  I could have been there for him.  I could have been 
someone he could have talked to about it.  Maybe I could have made him 
feel better if he was hurting.  It hurt me (and still does) to think 
that he was dealing with his feelings all by himself.  Maybe I could 
have helped. Maybe he had told someone.  I hoped that he had.  High 
School can suck anyway.  It must have been hard for him to hide who he 
really was. And I thought I was pretending through school. 

In reality, I know from things I’ve read, he didn’t even acknowledge it
to himself until after he had graduated.  Why then should this bother 
me?  I don’t know. 

I felt so guilty for thinking like this.  I shouldn’t have felt hurt.  I
didn’t have the right.  It is his life to choose who to tell, who not 
to tell, when to tell them, etc.  But I did feel hurt.  I did a lot of 
thinking over the next few days.  A LOT.  I did a lot of driving, too.  
It’s what I do when I need to think.  I tried to sort out my feelings 
while still feeling guilty for being so selfish.  My feelings shouldn’t 
have mattered in this, but they did.  I cried.  I laughed.  I 
remembered.  Then I decided. 

I had to talk to him.  I had to.  I had to tell him I knew now and that
I would support him anyway I could.  Even if it was only in thought.  I 
wanted to tell him not only did I not think less of him (I would never, 
ever have anyway), but that I was immensely proud of him and proud to 
have known him.  I wanted to tell him so much, but I didn’t have it all 
straight in my mind.  I wasn’t sure how to say everything I wanted to 
say. 

This was not just “Hey I’m gay.  Live with it.”  He was in the military.
 “Homosexual lifestyle is incompatible with military service.”  Sure.  
Right.  Tell that to Alexander the Great. 

He had a long road ahead of him.  This was just before the pitiful
“Don’t ask. Don’t tell.” Policy.  What a joke. So much for Clinton’s 
lifting the ban on gays in the military.  The military would discharge 
him.  He would have to go through hearings, trials appeals, and deal 
with lawyers.  He was going to be one busy camper for quite a while. He 
was in the news a lot.  I clipped out all of the articles I could find 
about him.  I watched every news story about him and other gay people 
in the military.  I became very interested.  Not just about Curt’s 
case, but about the whole situation. 

I always had a view about this kind of thing.  I always thought it
should have been a non-issue.  I didn’t see what the big deal was. Who 
cares if a person is gay or straight (except maybe that person’s 
significant other).  A  person’s sexual orientation will not change how 
they function in society.  I  honestly do not understand why this is 
such a big deal.  I can’t even comprehend why or how someone could hate 
another person just because a person finds someone of the same sex 
attractive, or finds someone of the same sex to fulfill them 
emotionally, or feels affection towards a person of the same sex.  If 
you can find the person that makes you happy and complete it should 
make absolutely no difference whether that person is male or female.  
If you can find that person, I’d consider you lucky. 

This kind of hate is just inconceivable to me.  It is not anyone else’s
business.  Why do some people choose to make it their business?  
Because they are ignorant simpletons.  If a person is not directly 
involved and no one is physically or emotionally being hurt, then 
people need to learn to stay out of things that do not concern them.  
Then again, maybe this (the general idea -  not an individual person) 
does concern everyone.  Not just the homophobes.  Maybe, if it 
concerned everyone a little more, things could change for the better.  
I’d like to believe there are more people who would support gay rights 
than there are that wouldn’t if we (gay or straight) would just get out 
there and make a difference.  Maybe I just don’t know what I’m talking 
about. 

I have never been very good at expressing myself, so a lot of my
opinions on this subject and a lot of others stayed within myself.  I 
hoped that people around me would understand about how I felt by the 
way I acted and some of the things that I said.  I would usually let 
people know when something offended me, but I could have done more.  I 
could have said more.  I often wonder how many people feel that this 
kind of discrimination is wrong, and how many of us just keep quiet.  
How many of us just don’t want to get involved or do, but don’t know 
how to go about it. 

So, I had finally decided to call Curt.  It was amazingly easy to find
his phone number.  He didn’t live in the same town that we grew up in 
and that I still lived in, but he did just live in an adjacent town. I 
knew this from the news articles I had read.  He was listed in the 
phone book. 

I don’t know how long I had his phone number before I finally called
him.  I don’t think it was too long, though.  I kept trying to arrange 
my thoughts so I wouldn’t sound like just some idiot.  It didn’t work.  
When I finally called him, we talked for just a little while.  I think 
I said something to the effect of “Hey I saw you on the news.  Quite a 
little bomb you dropped, huh?”  or something similarly insulting.  I 
think he said something to the effect that he thought maybe I already 
knew.  Now come on.  How was I supposed to know unless he told me.  If 
someone had said something (and no one did - not to me anyway) I 
wouldn’t have thought much about it unless he told me himself.  Like I 
said, I don’t deal in rumors – I try not to.  Anyway, that’s basically 
how the conversation went.  We got caught up a little about family and 
friends, and then he had to go.  He was busy dealing with lawyers and 
media and everything else.  I didn’t even get close to telling him what 
was in my heart.  Just another regret. 

A few weeks later I called him again.  I just left a message, but he
eventually called me back.  I was once again just on the verge of going 
to sleep.  (Come to think of it, he catches me doing that a lot.)  I 
answered the phone and we talked for a little while.  Not long.  It was 
a little uncomfortable, as usual (sigh).  I was really trying to work 
up how to tell him everything.  About how proud I was of him.  How much 
his friendship in school meant to me.  How I really wanted to be part 
of his life if he ever needed me.  How I felt I was a better person 
just for knowing him.  This might have been just a little much.  Jeez, 
I didn’t want to scare him away, but he had to know.  I was being 
selfish again.  This wasn’t about him as much as it was about me, but I 
had to know he knew.  His call waiting beeped, so he took the call.  He 
came back and said it was his lawyer and he had to go but that he’d 
call me back.  Okay. 

He didn’t call back.  I didn’t think he called back.  It turns out my
ringer was off.  How could I have answered the phone in the first place 
if the ringer was off.  I don’t know.  This is a huge mystery.  Fate 
must have been playing a cruel joke on me that night.  Wait...I don’t 
believe in Fate.  Damn you, Santa.  Seriously, I don’t know.  The only 
thing I can think of is that my phone at the time lit up when it was 
ringing.  I probably saw that it was ringing more than I heard it the 
first time.  This bothers me more than anyone will know.  I feel so 
guilty to think that Curt may have eventually tried calling me back, 
but the phone just kept ringing.  Did he think I didn’t want to talk to 
him.  I hope with all my heart that he didn’t think that I was trying 
to avoid his call.  The truth was that I was waiting for it.  I just 
thought that he either got too busy and he thought it was too late or 
didn’t want to talk to me.  It was a little uncomfortable, and I never 
really knew how to say what I wanted to say.  I guess I wouldn’t have 
blamed him if he just didn’t want to deal with me.  He had enough to 
deal with.  I was part of his past and he was trying to work on his 
future. 

I tried to let that be enough.  I tried to let it go.  He knew I knew he
was gay.  He knew I didn’t have a problem with it.  At least I’m pretty 
sure I got that much across to him.  That’s about all he knew, but I 
would have to just live with that... for now.  And I did.  For a while. 



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