Memories and Regrets (Part 5) (standard:non fiction, 2385 words) [5/5] show all parts
Author: Maya	Added: Apr 22 2001	Views/Reads: 2389/1892	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
This is the final Part of my story. It was cathartic to write, and I hope someone got something out of it.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

these kinds of social situations.  He was so critical of everyone.  He 
found fault with almost everyone I loved.  I think it made him feel 
more comfortable (easier to handle his feelings) if he could feel 
superior somehow.  I was tired of making excuses for his rudeness, so I 
stopped.  Sean was not raised like I was raised.  His family was not 
close or loving.  They did not do things they way my family did.  This 
did not make the way he was raised better or worse than the way I was 
raised.  It just made it different.  It was quite a while before he 
realized this.  He was not a social person and never would be.  I 
wished that he could have been.  He missed out on a lot by not 
lightening up and just enjoying things.  He constantly judged everyone 
and everything.  I finally just let it go – for the most part.  That 
was just  the way he was.  It was not going to stop me from enjoying my 
family and friends. 

September 1996 we were married.  It was a small ceremony, one that I
wish I would have done differently had I the opportunity to do it over, 
but it was nice enough.  I did not want to be married by a minister or 
a priest. It was easy enough to find a local judge that would perform 
the ceremony.  It was held outside.  The weather was not perfect, but 
as soon as we said our I do’s the sun came out.  I thought it was a 
good omen. 

We had a short honeymoon at the ocean and things went back pretty much
as they had  been for the last eight months.  Except I had changed 
jobs.  I was now working at the same company Sean was working at.  It 
was convenient, and I really enjoyed it. 

In July of 1997 I found out I was pregnant.  I was already almost three
months pregnant by this time.  I was ecstatic.  I couldn’t wait to be a 
mom.  It was an interesting experience being pregnant.  It was painful 
sometimes and totally cool the rest of the time.  I felt good (except 
for those shooting pains).  I was healthy.  I had a nutritionist that 
helped me during the mid months of my pregnancy so I wouldn’t gain any 
weight and the baby would be healthy.  I ate properly.  I was never a 
smoker or drinker, so that wasn’t a problem.  I did everything perfect. 


The baby was born perfect.  A little boy.  I knew in my heart it was
going to be a boy, but we decided not to find out for sure until he was 
born.  The delivery was not so perfect.  I ended up having an emergency 
C-section.  I was so happy to get that spinal block.  I loved it.  No 
more pain.  Thank you!  Apparently after the baby was born and the 
doctors were doing whatever it is doctors do at this point, they found 
a tumor on my left ovary.  They took it out.  I lost a lot of blood, 
but when I finally woke up, (after they found the tumor I had had been 
given me a general anesthesia to put me totally out) I felt pretty 
good.  Well, as good as can be expected – which I guess really wasn’t 
so good. 

Long story short, I was now a mom.  I was nowhere near ready to be a
mom, and it was hard.  Three and a half years later, it’s still hard, 
and is unlikely to get easier.  If I was not ready to be a mom, Sean 
was even less ready to be a dad.  We’ve managed, though.  I didn’t go 
back to work, so I am the primary parent.  I’m with my son almost all 
the time.  This is something that bothers me.  I wanted an equal 
partnership.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out the way you’d 
expect. 

Sean and I have had some disagreements over the years.  That is, of
course, to be expected, but things are just not right for me. I am not 
completely happy anymore.  I don’t think I ever was.  I think I have 
been going through the motions of a “normal” life.  The communication 
between Sean and I is almost non existent.  I can’t tell him what I 
feel because I don’t want to hurt him.  He doesn’t deserve that.  
Besides, I don’t know what I want.  I don’t know what the problem is.  
I cannot label it and say this is what needs to change.  I just don’t 
know what “it” is. 

Somewhere along the way I just lost me, and I miss me -  a lot. 

Is Sean a regret.  Let’s just say that if I knew then what I know now,
I’d have learned to appreciate what I had then.  I’d have stopped 
trying to find something that I didn’t really want to begin with.  I 
have a beautiful little boy.  How can I ever regret anything that 
brought him to me.  He has a lot of “spirit”. It is not easy to raise a 
child, especially one with a stubborn streak.  I have had some of my 
most trying experiences with him, but I love him more than I thought I 
could ever love another person.  I’m going to raise him to be a good 
person.  I’m going to raise him to be just like me.  I’m never going to 
“expect” him to be a certain way.  I’m going to love him for who he is 
and who he turns into.  His choices have to be his, but I’ll be there 
to guide him.  I’ve learned a lot about myself through the years, and I 
hope it will make a difference to him. 

I’m too close to this situation to look at it objectively, so I will
wrap up my story here.  I have come to the conclusion that my life is 
not what I wanted.  It is what I thought it was supposed to be, but 
these are not always the same thing.  My feelings for Sean have 
changed.  I’m not sure what I feel for him is love.  I’m not sure it 
ever was.  He’s a good person.  He has never been anything but good to 
me.  I know he loves me.  Of this I have no doubt.  I do think he has 
some issues to work on – issues concerning his family and how he grew 
up.  I think he may have secrets that he is not prepared to share with 
me.  I have secrets I’m not ready to share with him.  Some that I’m not 
prepared to share even here. 

I’m not even close to ready to throw everything out the window, but I
know I need to do something that will make me happy.  Writing this was 
a start.  I’ve learned that you can be alone and not be lonely, or you 
can be lonely and not be alone.  If you are really lucky you will not 
be either. 

Do we have a chance?  Sure we do.  There’s always a chance. 

So, you wonder, where is Curt in all of this.  He was never very far
from my mind.  I thought about him so much that I’m surprised he didn’t 
pick it up by telepathy.  I knew he had moved, but that was really all 
I knew.  I always intended to get back in touch with him, but when I 
sent letters, they weren’t answered.  They were never what I really 
wanted to say anyway.  Part of the reason I was still sending letters 
at all was because something in me wanted to be sure he knew how to 
contact me if he ever decided he wanted to.  Usually every time I’d 
move or every time something worth mentioning happened I’d send him 
another letter.  The last one was just after my son was born.  I can 
honestly say that the fact that he did not write me back never really 
bothered me.  I remembered that he was not a prolific writer even in 
school.  It was like pulling teeth to get him to write a short little 
note.  I didn’t take it personally.  Ha!  Maybe I should.  Nope.  I 
choose not to. 

I think that I might get the opportunity to make things right with Curt.
 About two years ago Sean and I bought a house and moved across the 
water from where he works.  About a year and a half after we moved I 
ran into Curt.  Once again, I was with Sean and some other people.  
This time, though, he saw me first.  I think seeing him made my day 
(week/month/year).  I certainly didn’t expect to see him.  We talked 
for a few minutes, and I gave him my email address and phone number.  I 
hugged him again, (I’m never sure if it’ll be the last time, and I 
don’t want to regret not hugging him.) and he left. 

After all these years, he and I live in the same town again.  Maybe
fate... I mean Santa... is on my side again.  We’ve been corresponding 
a little by email.  I hope to meet with him soon and be able to sit 
down and actually talk to him for longer than a few minutes.  It’s time 
to stop creating regrets.  Maybe I’ll just give him this story to read. 
I think it says it all. 


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