The Soul of Me (Part 2) (standard:drama, 4500 words) [2/11] show all parts
Author: Maya	Added: May 01 2001	Views/Reads: 2772/2079	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Heidi struggles between what she thinks other people think of her and what she thinks of herself.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

the room next to my closet which also held my dresser.  My double bed 
and night-stand was neatly arranged in the middle of the room against 
an outside wall.  The only other piece of furniture was a big, ugly, 
really, really comfortable chair I had rescued from certain death.  
This was carefully placed next to a bright floor lamp near one of the 
windows in the room.  I even had an adjoining bathroom.  If it weren’t 
for meals, I wouldn’t have ever needed to leave my little hide-away.  I 
did, though. 

My parents had tried to do everything they could to make me happy.  They
were good to me.  Considering some of the things I had heard about 
other parents, I got the feeling mine were pretty cool.  I didn’t have 
any reason to hide from them.  They knew I was shy, and therefore 
didn’t have many friends.  They knew I had always had my share of 
bullies, but I never gave them any indication that it wasn’t something 
I couldn’t handle.  They really didn’t know exactly how bad I felt and 
how much the teasing was truly affecting my self-esteem.  Why should 
they know.  It would only hurt them to know I was hurting.  I couldn’t 
do that to my parents.  As far as they were concerned I wanted them to 
think I was a relatively well adjusted, if a bit shy, intelligent, 
normal teenager.  Ignorance is bliss.  I wanted them blissful.  I 
didn’t want them to worry and I didn’t want to worry about them. 

I couldn’t always maintain my outward appearance of normality, though. 
After a trip to the mall (or the movies, or any public place) where I’d 
hear the remarks or see the disgusted looks from the crowd, it would be 
difficult for me to act like everything was all roses and diamonds.    
It was these days I was truly happy to be able to escape into my room, 
turn up my music and cry out the pain in peace until I was ready to put 
on my happy face and start pretending again.  This was thankfully not 
one of those days. 

I didn’t want to loose Aaron’s phone number.  It would be just my luck
to forget it was on my hand and lose it the next time I washed my them. 
 The first thing I did when I got to my room was log onto my computer, 
open my address book, and enter his name and number.  Even if I never 
called the number I would at least know I had it - that he had given it 
to me.  Next, I sat in my favorite chair and opened “The Count of Monte 
Cristo”.  I started reading.  I loved it from the first words. 

The next thing I knew, it was almost 6:30.  I heard the telltale sounds
of my mom downstairs.  She must have just gotten home from work and was 
starting dinner.  I knew my dad would be home in the next few minutes.  
You could set your watch by my parents. 

“Heidi?  Are you up there?” my mom called. 

“Yes.  I’ll be down in a few minutes.”  ‘Where else would I be?’ I
thought to myself.  I loved both my parents with all my heart (except 
that little space I saved just for Aaron).  They loved me.  I know they 
did.  The showed me and told me everyday.  I was definitely lucky in 
this respect.  I didn’t have any siblings, and I never would.  Though I 
often wondered what it was like to live in a family with one or more 
brothers or sisters, I was very content with my family life.  I didn’t 
have to share my parents.  They were just mine. 

I came down the stairs and into the kitchen just in time to see my dad
giving my mom a big old smooch.  “Daaaaaad., get a room?”  I whined 
pretending to be embarrassed.  In reality, I enjoyed seeing my parents’ 
displays of affection.  It made me feel happy to see them so shamefully 
in love. 

“It’s your mom’s fault you know.”  He said, giving Mom a big squeeze. 
“If she weren’t so beautiful I’d be able to control myself.”   I just 
rolled my eyes and sat down at my place at the table. 

My dad never stopped telling my mother how beautiful she was.  My mom
was only about 5’3” and as far back as I could remember she had always 
been overweight – from what I’d been told, she was a fat teenager, just 
like I am.  I had to agree with my dad, though.  She was beautiful.  
She had long dark hair, and dark brown eyes.  He smile was so 
contagious, that you couldn’t help but be happy around her.  I’d never 
seen her in a situation she couldn’t handle.  People really liked to be 
around my mom.  She was inspirational, and she truly loved my dad with 
her entire being.  So, what made my mom so different from me?  Maybe it 
was that she had someone that loved her – specifically, she had my dad. 


I know, you hear this all the time, but in this case it’s really, true. 
They broke the mold when they made my dad.  He was very handsome with a 
personality to match.  He worked outside everyday, so he had this deep 
tan that never seemed to fade, even in the winter.  He was strong and 
determined.  If he decided he wanted something to happen, he’d find a 
way to make it happen.  He was just a good person.  He loved my mom 
completely.  He honestly saw her as the most beautiful woman in the 
world.  Maybe if I’m lucky they made one more man from my dad’s mold.  
Maybe I’d find him. 

I wanted to find someone that would see me as beautiful, someone that
would treat me as well as my dad treated my mom.  I started to dream 
that maybe Aaron was that someone.  This reminded me.  I actually had 
something to say about my day during dinner. 

“We started our book reports today.”  I casually mentioned.  “I’m doing
mine on “The Count of Monte Cristo”. 

“That sounds like an interesting book.  I think I saw a movie version of
that with Gerard Depardieu not too long ago.  I really liked it.  
Subtitles and all.”  This was my dad’s contribution to the 
conversation.  He didn’t read a lot of books, but he’d read subtitles.  
Go figure. 

“Yep, that’s the story.  You know, dad, books are always much better
than the movie versions.”  I said 

“Yeah, yeah, but movie versions are quicker to get through.”  There was
just no winning with him.  He didn’t really have time to read anyway, 
so I just dropped it. 

“I’m actually doing my report with one of the people in my class.  He
needs a decent grade to stay on the basketball team, so he asked for my 
help.”  I said this nonchalantly knowing full well my mom would take 
the bait. 

“He?  He who?  He asked you?”  See, I told you. 

“His name is Aaron, and he’s just someone whose been around.”  What?  I
couldn’t exactly tell them that this was my walking, talking angel and 
I dreamt about him constantly.  “He knew I did pretty well in English 
so he must have figured I’d be able to help get him a good grade.  
We’ll have to get together once he finishes the book to start writing 
the report.  Do you mind if I invite him here?”  Mind?  Please, they’d 
probably be so excited that their daughter might actually have a new 
friend that they’d do back flips for him. 

“Of course not.  It would be nice to meet your new friend.  Just let us
know when to expect him.”  My mom’s gears were definitely starting to 
turn. 

“Mom, he’s not really a friend.  I barely know him.”  I said.  The
realization that this was actually the truth hurt a little, but I 
didn’t let it ruin my good mood. 

“You know Heidi, you never know when you’ll find a friend.  Keep your
options open.”  My dad and his words of wisdom.  He was starting to 
sound a lot like Jody. 

As soon as the kitchen was back in order from dinner, I gave my parents
the excuse of having to do some more reading and went back to the 
sanctuary of my room.  I grabbed my book and settled back into my comfy 
chair to join Edmond Dantes and Abbe Faria, both unjustly incarcerated 
in Chateau d’If,  as the abbe was just about to tell Edmond about his 
hidden treasure on the island of Monte Cristo. 

I read for a few more hours stopping only to finish some other homework
I needed to have done by tomorrow.  At eleven o’clock I put my book 
down and got ready for bed.  As I crawled under the warm covers I 
thought about Aaron.  As my eyes closed, I willed myself to dream of 
him, and dream I did.  A wonderful dream of all things beautiful.  
Okay, I don’t actually remember the dream, but I woke up in a very 
happy mood.  I hadn’t slept that well in a long time.  My alarm went 
off in that annoying BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP... sound, and I didn’t even 
have the urge to throw it across the room. 

I took more care when I was choosing what to wear that day than I
usually do.  I chose a nice pink denim skirt and a nice button up white 
blouse.  With this I chose nice white flats.  As short as I was, you’d 
think I’d wear high heels, but I might have been short and fat, but I 
wasn’t stupid.  Those things make you feel like you’ve been walking all 
day after the first fifteen minutes (or less).  Thanks, but I’ll stick 
to flat shoes.  That morning I even decided to wear some make-up for a 
change  Even I could admit to myself that I had been a little careless 
about my dress lately, but it was hard to want to feel like you look 
nice, when all you hear are criticisms.  I was starting to believe what 
I was being told almost every day.  I wasn’t pretty, so why bother 
trying look nice.  Well, I hadn’t been trying – not for a long time. 

Maybe I could try and make a change – would it really kill me to believe
in myself.  It was hard to believe that the one conversation with 
Aaron, a conversation that wasn’t even of any kind of a personal 
nature, could change my whole outlook so drastically and so quickly.  
It sure made me feel good for a change, though.  I wasn’t going to 
question it for too long.  Once again, I didn’t want to ruin my good 
mood. 

After getting ready for school and stuffing all of my school work back
in my back pack, I headed down stairs for a quick breakfast then out 
the door I went.  The walk to school usually takes about 20 minutes or 
so.  I had been day dreaming – again- so I felt like I got there in 
even less time than usual.  I met Jody at our locker.  I don’t think 
this girl ever stops – for anything. 

“Hey, Heidi.  All ready for another day of school?”  She usually says
this or something similar every morning.  “Wow!”  She finally noticed I 
was wearing something other than jeans and a T-shirt.  “You look nice.  
So, how come you don’t dress like this more often?  You should, you  
know.  Sometimes just feeling pretty can actually make you look 
prettier.”  She stopped for a split second.  “So, why are you dressed 
up?  You don’t have a funeral to go to, do you?  No, pink and white 
isn’t really funeral attire.  I know.  It’s Aaron isn’t it?  I’ll bet 
you’re hoping to talk to him about your project again, huh?  Well, if 
he doesn’t notice how nice you look today, he must be half dead.” 

“Hi Jody.  Was there a question in there somewhere that you wanted me to
answer?”  I finally got a word in edgewise. 

“Just be quiet and tell my why you decided to dress so nicely today and
... wait ... are you actually wearing make-up.  Omigod.  Where’s a 
calendar?  This day should be marked down for posterity.”  Always the 
comedienne. 

“Do you want an answer or do you just want to hear yourself talk?”  It
was nice to be able to banter with her.  She was so good natured.  Jody 
was the only one I didn’t mind if she teased me.  I knew she always 
meant well. 

“Okay, okay.  Just tell me, why the new you?”  I could see she was
honestly curious. 

“Well, I guess you’re partly right.  I figured if Aaron was going to be
nice to me, the least I could do was not look like a total slob if 
someone should actually see us talking together.”  That was pretty 
truthful actually.  I would hate to embarrass him.  Who knows, I may 
not even get the chance to talk to him today. 

“Hi Heidi.  Hi Jody”  Okay, I was wrong again.  I turned around, and
there he was.  Angel...uh... I mean Aaron.  “So, Heidi, you’re still 
planning on helping me with my report, right?  I even started to read 
some of the book last night.  I didn’t get very far, but that Edmond 
sure has it bad for Mercedes.” 

All of a sudden, I got shy again.  My hands started to sweat and I could
feel my breathing and my heart rate speed up.  I looked down and 
nodded.  “If you still want my help, I’ll be there for you.”  What did 
I just say?  I’d be there for him.  ‘Why don’t you just jump him, 
Heidi.’ I thought to myself. 

“Great.  Well, I’ve got to go.  I’ll see you in gym Heidi.  Bye Jody. 
Oh, hey – you look nice today, Heidi.  You should dress like that all 
the time.”  With this he just sort of ambled away showing us his cute 
butt as he left (sigh). 

“Well,  I guess he’s not dead.”  This of course came from Jody.  “You
never know, he might really like you. He doesn’t seem embarrassed to 
talk to you, so stop worrying.  If nothing else, you have a really good 
chance of making a new friend.  Keep your options open.” 

“You and my dad must read the same fortune cookies?”  I sighed with a
slight smile.  “My dad said almost the exact same thing to me last 
night.” 

“Hey, great minds...” 

“Just go to class.”  I said giving her a friendly push in the right
direction. 

My first class of the day was Science.  I truly detested science.  It
bored me.  This was the only class that I didn’t do well in.  I wasn’t 
failing, but for me a C was almost as bad.  I just couldn’t get 
interested in all this science stuff.  I knew if it were something that 
would hold my interest I would breeze through it.  As it was, I could 
hardly keep my eyes open.  The fact that it was the first class of the 
day didn’t help at all. 

I walked in and took my usual place at the front of the class. 
Throughout the years I’ve found that the front of the class is the 
safest place for an outcast.  How much ridiculing and teasing can you 
get when you are only a few feet away from the instructor.  Okay, 
considering the teacher’s back is turned occasionally it is still 
possible, but not as likely.  Trust me, it’s just better for me in the 
front.  The funny thing is that David, that really shy guy, always 
chooses the back of the class.  I think he would rather be ignored by 
the teacher and risk the wrath of the chosen idiots than to actually 
have to pay attention for an extended period of time.  We all have to 
do what’s right for each of us.  I dealt with my fear of other 
classmates by sticking close to the teacher.   I guess David did it by 
trying to disappear into the woodwork. 

Class passed as usual.  I was always glad when science was over for the
day.  Mainly because I couldn’t get into it, but also because my next 
class was gym.  I would be seeing Aaron again. 

If it wasn’t for that, I’d probably avoid gym like the plague.  For
someone like me, gym was like salt in a wound.  I managed to get 
through it okay.  I had a good gym teacher.  She never let me get out 
of anything we had to do, but she was a compassionate and caring 
person.  As long as I put forth effort into whatever it was we were 
doing I would get a decent grade and her respect.  This was gym after 
all, not the Olympics.  There was very little I couldn’t do.  A lot of 
things I hated to do, but very few things that I just wasn’t able to 
do.  It was okay.  The hardest part of gym was the locker room.  I felt 
like a freak.  I guess in the eyes of most of the other girls, I 
probably was.  I just stayed in my little corner of the room and 
learned how to change (and shower at the end of the class) quickly – 
really quickly. 

So, here I was all set to play some mindless physical game of field
hockey.  Aaron’s and my class wouldn’t be combining forces today, but 
we were on opposite ends of the same large field.  I was still able to 
sneak glances now and then.  Once, when I looked over to see if I could 
see him, he saw me and waved.  I looked away quickly not wanting him to 
think I was ogling, which was exactly what I was doing. 

To be truthful, of all the things we did in gym, field hockey was my
favorite.  It wasn’t exactly a complicated game.  Hit the little ball 
thingy into the big net thingy with the big stick thingy.   Okay, how 
often did I actually get anywhere near the little ball thingy?  Almost 
never, but at least it looked like I was working hard running back and 
forth on the field.  Whatever.  I was glad when the classes ended and I 
was able to get out of there. 

The rest of my classes until lunch went as usual.  I got a few stares
from people here and there.  Probably most of them were wondering what 
the fat chick was doing looking less like a slob than usual.  Well, 
they could just keep wondering.  Occasionally I would hear a snicker, 
but no-one actually said anything to me.  Then it happened.  I don’t 
know why it surprised me.  I guess just because I had been having a 
really good time of it since yesterday.  I was beginning to think that 
maybe people were seeing me in a different light.  Like maybe I was 
making a bigger issue of things than I needed to.  Whenever I start 
feeling good about myself some self proclaimed jerk feels like he has 
to remind me that I’m worthless – that I don’t deserve to be happy.  
Well, damn.  You’d think I’d learn by now. 

I was in the god-awful cafeteria line waiting for the usual
institutional food when I heard Kyle ‘God’s gift to the world’ Carter 
behind me.  Kyle Carter was my worst tormentor.  I remember him coming 
up to me in eighth grade while I was standing at my locker.  He 
actually walked up behind me and grabbed me from behind while his 
friends just laughed.  He started saying some really rude things to me 
and groping me.  He kept saying how he knew I was enjoying this.  Just 
being a real jerk.  I turned around and smacked him as hard as I could. 
 He let go and he and his punk friends just laughed and went on their 
merry way.  I ran to the girls room and cried.  I knew I could have 
gotten him suspended or expelled for this, but I was afraid it would 
just make things worse.  I just kept my mouth shut and avoided him at 
every opportunity from then on.  There were a lot of people that had 
said mean things to me over the years.  I didn’t like any of them, but 
I could honestly say, to the depth of my core, that I hated Kyle 
completely.  He never laid a hand on me again, but he never stopped 
tormenting me either.  I hated him so much I couldn’t think straight. 

“Hey, Heidi, I hear your helping Aaron with his English paper.”  He
snickered  “So, do you think dressing up a little is going to impress 
him? You know, you can dress a pig in fancy clothes, but she’s still a 
pig.  He’s just desperate for a decent grade.  No guy would ever want 
to be near you unless they wanted something from you.  You’re a fat 
slob, Heidi.  Get used to it.”  I didn’t wait to hear anymore.  I ran 
out of the cafeteria crying.  I knew people were laughing at the poor 
little fat girl trying so desperately to fit in, but I never would.  I 
wasn’t allowed to. 

That was it, I couldn’t take it any more.  What was I thinking?  I was
trying to dress to impress Aaron.  It wasn’t going to work.  Kyle was 
right.  It didn’t matter how I dressed or if I wore make-up.  I was 
always going to be me underneath it all. I had to get out of there.  
Before I could change my mind I went to my locker, left a note telling 
Jody I wasn’t feeling well and that I’d call her later, grabbed my back 
pack and left the school grounds.  No-one ever questioned me for 
leaving.  I was invisible to everyone except the bullies. 

**************** 

So...Did you like it?  Poor Heidi.  Drop me a note.  Let me know if this
story is working out. 


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