The Soul of Me (Part 5) (standard:drama, 4156 words) [5/11] show all parts
Author: Maya	Added: May 05 2001	Views/Reads: 2589/1838	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Heidi's getting help, but is she doing it for the right reasons?

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

moment, I didn’t want to kill myself.  I wanted to kill Kyle.  Pure 
hate is what I felt for Kyle.  The hate made me stronger, but at what 
cost? 

“After all these years, you’d think you could come up with a better
insult.”  I was shocked that I had even said anything.  I’m usually 
quiet when Kyle is tormenting me.  Normally I’d either run away and cry 
or try to ignore him and hope he’d get tired of taunting me and go 
away. 

“Omigod, it talks.  I didn’t think garbage could talk.”  More laughs
from his entourage. 

“Why would you think that?  You talk don’t you?”  What the hell was I
doing? 

“I see you went back to dressing like a slob.  Good for you.  It’s
important everyone know their place.  Your place is at the bottom.  It 
always has been and always will be.”  He just couldn’t let it go.  If 
only he knew what his teasing had led me to last night.  I certainly 
wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of him knowing what he was 
doing to me.  He wasn’t finished, yet.  “You’re so far at the bottom 
you can’t even get one of the other greasy geeks in this school to take 
you to the prom.  You remember the prom, right.”  In reality, I had 
forgotten.  Probably as more of a defense mechanism than anything else. 
 Kyle was right.  No-one was going to invite me, so I just put it out 
of my mind.  Proms weren’t part of my life.  “It’s that dance that 
everyone goes to – well everyone except fat, ugly, slobs like you.” 

“What makes you think she’s not going to the prom?”  Aaron?  Omigod,
Aaron was standing at the entrance to the library.  How much did he 
hear?  I was mortified. 

“Please.”  He huffed.  “Who would take her.” 

“It just so happens, that I’m taking Heidi to the prom.  Isn’t that
right, Heidi?”  What did he just say?  I was speechless.  I barely had 
the presence of mind to nod.  “Do you have a problem with that, Kyle?” 

“Is this your good deed for the month?  Come on, Aaron.  Why would you
want to take...”  he gestured toward me.  “...that.  To the prom.  
You’ve probably got dozens of beautiful girls crawling all over 
themselves to get to you.” 

“More than you, Kyle.”  At that Kyle looked a little pissed.  “You’re
right, I know a lot of beautiful girls that would love me to take them 
out.  It just so happens that the beautiful girl I chose is Heidi.  I 
suggest you start showing a little more respect to her or you might be 
regretting it one day soon.” 

“You think Heidi is beautiful?  Dude, are you loaded or what?” 
Mockingly he said “‘You might be regretting it one day soon.’ what kind 
of a threat is that?” 

“What kind of a threat to you want, Kyle?  Just say the word.”  Aaron
was serious, and Kyle knew it. 

“Whatever.”  He turned to his groupies.  “Let’s go.  Aaron’s got some
pity work to do.”  Aaron threw Kyle an angry look at that last remark, 
but Kyle had already left in a pretty big hurry.  Besides, Aaron had 
more self-respect and dignity than to follow a loser like that. 

I was at once both shocked and embarrassed.  I wasn’t sure which emotion
to address first.  “I’m so embarrassed.  I’m sorry you had to hear 
that.  More sorry than you know.”  I was holding back my tears pretty 
well, but the dam was threatening to break at any moment. 

“Don’t be embarrassed.  You shouldn’t even worry about it.  Kyle is just
a jerk.  He has been for as long as I’ve known him, which is pretty 
much forever.”  He turned serious for a moment.  “Don’t let him hurt 
you. He’s not worth it.”  I tried to smile, but I just wanted to cry. 

“Uh...thanks, Aaron.  Not too many people around here would have stood
up for me.” 

“I think you’d be surprised just how many people would have stood up for
you.  And you know what else?”  He smiled and leaned in as if to tell 
me a secret.  “You looked like you were handling yourself pretty good 
without me.”  He gave me an adorable wink. 

“My well of insulting comebacks was pretty much dry when you chimed
in...so, thanks.”  I looked at him sincerely.  “Really, I mean it.  
Thanks.” 

“Come on, let’s go in the library so we can talk.”  He started to enter
the library, but stopped when I didn’t follow him. 

“I really can’t.  I have to go see...I mean...I have an appointment.  I
was just going to come by and let you know that I got your note.  I 
can’t stay.  I’m late already.  Maybe we’ll have a chance to talk about 
the book report in English today.”  I turned to leave.  “Thanks again.” 
Then I was gone.  If he made a reply, I didn’t hear it. 

The library was much too close to the office where I knew Mr. James, my
parents and most likely the psychologist were waiting.  The closer I 
got the more I dawdled.  I couldn’t really see any other option but to 
go in and face the music.  I know it wasn’t exactly like that.  I 
hadn’t really done anything wrong per se, but that’s exactly how I 
felt.  I approached Mr. James’ office, took a deep breath to try and 
calm my butterflies, and knocked. 

I heard Mr. James, “Come in.”  After another deep breath I slowly pushed
the door open. 

It quickly became painfully apparent that, true to his words, Mr. James
had already spoken to my parents.  My mother and father were sitting  
where Jody and I had sat that morning.  Both their eyes were rimmed 
with red.  As soon as they saw me they both jumped up and ran to me, 
enveloping me in a huge loving hug.  The tears that had subsided before 
I came in started up in full force.  I couldn’t help it.  I began to 
cry, too.  We were all hugging and crying.  I don’t know how long we 
were like that. 

Eventually, I noticed someone I hadn’t seen before standing behind Mr.
James.  My parents noticed my hold on them loosen and they loosened 
theirs in response.  I assumed the person behind Mr. James was the 
psychologist.  I turned to her and asked, “Are you Dr. Lane?” 

She held out her hand for me to take and smiled.  “I am.  You must me
Heidi.” 

“What gave you your first clue.”  I chuckled nervously at my tasteless
joke. 

“Well, I didn’t get my diplomas with my good looks, ya know.”  She
chuckled back. 

Dr. Lane was average height, maybe a little shorter than average.  Her
hair was a beautifully dyed auburn color and very short.  It was 
probably wash and wear.  I don’t think there was enough for her to 
actually brush or comb. I really liked the look.  She wore a  nice 
royal blue suite with a gold belt and high heeled black pumps.  Her 
smooth, perfect skin was the color of coffee with just a touch cream.  
She wore quite a lot of make-up, but it suited her.  Her entire 
appearance suited her.  She looked very professional, and yet very 
approachable.  What I like most about her was the fact that she was a 
large woman.  Normally I would have said fat, but the term “fat” had 
been used toward me in a derogatory fashion for so long that I only 
really thought of it as an insult.  I wouldn’t insult this woman.  She 
was beautiful.  I didn’t think large women could look so lovely. 

“Well, why don’t we all sit down.”  Dr. Lane said, then looked around
the room.  “Now this might be a problem.”  Mr. James’ office was quite 
small. 

“Karen, you can have my chair.  I’ll go see if I can nab at least one
more chair from another office.”  Karen took Mr. James chair as he left 
to find another.  My dad stood behind my mother and I took his chair. 

“First, I’d like to say that I know this is very uncomfortable for all
of you to talk about.  Especially to someone you just met.  You may 
feel like you want to go home and deal with this on your own.  I 
understand that, but in the long run, a psychologist can be a torch 
that lights the way or a map the guides you.  I have some experience in 
these matters, and I hope you will allow me to help you.”  She turned 
to my parents.  “Mr. and Mrs. Bennett, this was quite a shock to you.  
It probably feels like a snake sneaked up from behind and bit you.  
That’s perfectly understandable.  Teens who are having these suicidal 
feelings are very often able to mask them with outward appearances of 
happiness or contentment.  You should not think that this was something 
you should have seen coming.  The important thing here is that Heidi 
has decided to get help.  My job...our job...is to support Heidi and, 
most importantly, to listen to her.  Occasionally that means listening 
between the lines.”  Dr. Lane then turned her attention to me.  “Heidi, 
your job is the most important and most difficult job of all.  Your job 
is to talk, trust and believe.” 

Just then, Mr. James opened the door and stepped in.  He was holding a
chair exactly like the two my mother and I were sitting in.  “Here you 
are.”  He handed the chair to my father who positioned it between and 
slightly behind my mother and me and sat down.  Mr. James half sat – 
half leaned against the credenza behind Dr. Lane. 

“So, Heidi.  What do you think.  Will you let me help you?  Are you
willing to talk to me?” 

I thought for a moment.  “Well, I have one question first.” 

“Questions are good.  Ask as many as you want.  You’re in control.  I
promise I’ll answer you as best I can.” 

“Okay.”  I tried to look thoughtful for a moment.  Then I said.  “So, if
I let you help me...” I paused.  Then rushed on.  “will you tell me 
where you get your clothes.”  I couldn’t help it.  Someone needed to 
lighten the atmosphere in here.  It worked.  I heard a chuckle from my 
dad and Mr. James, saw my mom grin, and noticed a puzzled look on Dr. 
Lane’s face.  Then she also started to laugh.  I felt better and 
started to giggle, too.  Suddenly we were all laughing.  If anyone had 
come in right then, they would have been surprised to find that this 
meeting was about a suicidal teen. 

“You’ve got a deal, Heidi.”  Dr. Lane said between giggles. 

“Okay, then I guess you’ve got a patient, and I’ve got a psychologist.” 
I didn’t know how to explain it.  I really felt comfortable with Dr. 
Lane.  I felt I could tell her anything. 

The laughter finally subsiding, Dr. Lane continued.  “Great.  I don’t
want to interfere with school, so how about I meet with you at my 
office Thursdays at 4 o’clock.  I’ll occasionally want to meet with 
your parents, and sometimes both you and your parents.  For now, I’d 
just like to get to know you.  So...you and me...tomorrow...4 o’clock.  
Is that okay?” 

“I guess that’ll work out fine.  I’m not too sure about this ‘talking,
trusting, and believing’ stuff, though.” 

“Don’t worry about it.  It’ll all come in time.”  She changed subjects. 
“There are a lot of different medications that can help with 
depression.  I think this will be a good therapy for you.  However, I 
won’t prescribe anything until you’ve had a complete physical.  Can you 
make an appointment with your regular doctor to do the works?” 

I glanced at my mom.  She nodded.  “I guess.”  Turning to mom.  “Would
you make an appointment for me?” 

“Of course, sweetie.”  This was the first thing either of my parents
said since I got there. 

Dr. Lane pulled out several business cards from her purse that had
apparently been sitting on the floor beside her.  She gave my parents 
and I each a few cards.  “Have your doctor send your test results to me 
as soon as possible.  I’d really like to get you on a medication regime 
as soon as possible.  My office, home and emergency number are on my 
card.  Please keep one handy wherever you go.  If you ever, and I mean 
ever, feel you need someone to talk to or if you should have any 
feelings of suicide or anything at all, please call me.  You have a 
support system.  You don’t have to be alone with your pain.  That’s 
what we’re all here for.” 

This meeting was not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  The only
part that really bothered me was that I still felt like I was 
pretending.  I was saying and doing more or less what I felt was 
expected of me.  I had an urge to please – to make things okay again.  
I really wanted to feel better about myself.  I did think Dr. Lane 
would help, but I still felt like two people.  The me that was in my 
head and the me that was in my heart.  I would let Dr. Lane help me 
because I wanted my parents and Jody to feel better.  I knew this was 
the only way they would be able to do that.  They needed to believe I 
was getting better.  I would try, but how can I erase all the years of 
feeling like I was nothing – like I didn’t belong.  I guess that’s what 
we’d find out. 

“Heidi,”  Mr. James interrupted my thoughts.  “I told your parents
everything that you and Jody told me this morning.  It is all out in 
the open – the how, the where, and the why as you understand it.  You 
don’t have to hide your feelings.  Why don’t you tell your parents what 
you’re thinking.” 

“I’m sorry mom and dad.”  This was the first thought I had.  “I didn’t
want you to worry about me.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what was going 
on with me.”  Great, now I was crying again.  “I just feel so bad about 
myself sometimes.  I feel like you’d be able to be happier if I wasn’t 
around.  It’s not because you have never done anything to make me feel  
unloved, it’s just that I love you so much that I thought I would be 
doing you a favor if I wasn’t around.  I have so many people making me 
feel like I’m worthless that I guess I just started believing it.  The 
most important thing I want you to know is that you never made me feel 
worthless.  I always feel loved my you and I love you both more than I 
love myself.” 

Great, now mom and dad were crying again.  They both reached for me at
the same time.  We were hugging and sobbing.  My dad was squeezing my 
mom and me so tight I thought he was going to break my ribs.  “Honey,” 
my dad said.  I could barely hear him or make out the words through his 
tears.  “I can’t loose you.  We would not be happier if you weren’t 
around.  We would be devastated.  We’d never get over loosing you.  
Please don’t ever try and hurt yourself again.  Please.  I couldn’t 
take it if you were hurt or...or gone.”  I’d never seen my dad cry like 
this – ever.  It made me cry harder. 

“Please, sweetie.”  My mom was trying to put words to her thoughts. 
“You can talk to me.  I’ve been where you are now.  I was teased.  I 
got past it.  I can help you.  I didn’t know you were hurting this bad. 
 Please tell me you’ll talk to me when you’re hurting.  You are not 
worthless.  You are worth everything I have, everything I am, 
everything your dad and I are together.  You are our life.  If you were 
gone, we wouldn’t have a life.” 

“I know mom.  I’m so sorry I’m putting you through this.” 

“No!” My dad startled me.  “You are not putting us through anything.  We
are here because we love you.  You have nothing to be sorry for.  If 
anything, we are sorry for not knowing what was going on in your life.  
Please, forgive us.” 

“I want you all to understand something.”  Dr. Lane stopped us.  “No
blame. There is no blame.  Because there is no blame there is no need 
for forgiveness.  Something terrible almost happened.  That something 
occurred for no reason other than the overwhelming amount of pain Heidi 
was unable to cope with.  You might as well blame the water for the 
fish swimming or the ground for the grass growing.  If you need to 
forgive, forgive yourselves and let it go.” 

I was trying to understand what Dr. Lane was saying, but I still wanted
my parents forgiveness.  Maybe it wasn’t their forgiveness I wanted.  
Maybe I did need to try and forgive myself.  I just didn’t understand 
everything I was feeling, yet. 

“When you get home tonight, I want you to do something for me.”  Dr.
Lane looked at us sternly.  “I want you to get rid of every unnecessary 
pill, any alcohol, fire arms, anything that might make it easier for 
someone to end their life.  This is serious.”  She looked directly at 
me and held my eyes with her own deep brown eyes.  “Heidi, you might be 
feeling better right now, but if you hit another bout of depression, I 
don’t want you to take the easy way out.  I want you to call me, call 
Jody, call Mr. James, talk to you parents.  Talking is the way out.  
Remember that, okay?  You are not alone.  We can treat this, but 
treatment is not a cure.  It’s not magic.  These feelings are not going 
to go away overnight, in a day, a week, or a month.” 

I nodded.  I felt like a freak.  Maybe I was nuts.  Right now I didn’t
want to kill myself.  Right now I could promise I wouldn’t do anything 
like that again.  Right now I knew suicide was not the way out.  Right 
now I knew my parents would be devastated if I was gone.  Right now I 
knew I was not alone.  Right now I knew I was not worthless.  Right now 
I knew Dr. Lane was right. 

We continued to talk.  I tried to be honest, but I realized I couldn’t
even be honest with myself.  I kept trying to sugar coat every word I 
said.  Dr. Lane would have none of that.  She was able to help me start 
being totally honest with myself for the first time in a long time.  
This was not something I enjoyed.  It made me feel vulnerable.  That 
was not a comfortable place for me to be. 

Eventually we closed the meeting, which had actually become more of a
session with Dr. Lane than a meeting.  My parents hugged me tight 
before they left and told me they loved me.  I was not in any immediate 
danger of hurting myself, so I was allowed to go back to whatever 
semblance of a life I had.  Life really does go on. 

Not only had I missed my lunch period, though Mr. James had offered to
have a lunch brought in for me, I had also missed my English class and 
Aaron...again. 

*************** That's it for now.  I think in the next part I'm not
going to touch as much on Heidi's depression - well, maybe just a 
little.  I don't necessarily know what I'm talking about, so I think 
I'd better either stop now or do more research.  If you are depressed, 
especially if you have considered suicide, please get help.  There are 
lots of places and people who can and will help.  For a crisis line 
call 1-800-SUICIDE. As always - I'd love to hear from you.


Tweet