Big Trouble in Wonderland. A kidnapping in Alice’s Wonderland. (standard:action, 6494 words)
Author: Oscar A Rat	Added: Jun 15 2020	Views/Reads: 1216/903	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Little Alice found a way to go to Wonderland. On this occasion its with a friend named Julie. Kidnappers after Julie follow them in.

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the one you mentioned, and I can always get my butler to buy them for 
me ... legally." Julie moved in closer, angry eyes joining his. "A word 
from me, booby boy, and Alice will find another source." 

"Gimme the cash. Okay? Damned broads ... sticking together." 

Taking the large package of cigarettes, cigars and lighters, Julie
deposited them in the back seat of her Mercedes and left for Alice 
Adam's home. She was anticipating a visit to Wonderland. Neither Julie 
nor fourteen-year-old Alice smoked. The cigarettes were used by both 
the black and red queens as rewards for their friends and workers. 
Gargoyle Dragon, or Gargie to his friends, smoked the cigars. 

(Note: Little Alice Adams found out by accident that if she pulled a
photo of Wonderland up on her father's huge computer monitor, she could 
crawl inside to visit. She'd been doing it for years, ever since she 
was four.) 

At fourteen, Alice Adams didn't need a babysitter for the time between
when she returned from school and when her parents returned home from 
work. That was when she enjoyed quality time, even if it was alone. 

Sure, Tom Cat was there but the two didn't get along too well. Not since
she'd refused to let him eat even one of her then pet, Snowball 
Rabbit's, kids. It had been years, but Tom was still angry. After all, 
Alice had had six rabbits and all he wanted was the one. The smallest 
one, at that. It was enough to anger any kitty. Now Tom happened to be 
locked onto the back porch with only an empty rabbit cage for company 
because Alice didn't trust him not to sneak into Wonderland with them. 
Didn't Alice have ANY thought of fairness? was his thought. 

Every month Alice went in to visit and resupply the queens with smokes
and was only waiting for Julie to arrive. 

Alice had learned animal speak years before, though Julie hadn't. Most
little kids can learn if they really try, and Alice had tried. No 
matter, since everyone in Wonderland could understand each other. 
Except, that is, for a few of the most stupid ogre's, who couldn't even 
understand themselves. 

Most of the ogre's were nice people, among the many mythical creatures
forced into Wonderland by encroaching civilization. Some, though, 
usually the younger ones under 200-years-old, were still rebellious. 

After brief kisses and hugs, Alice booted the computer and brought up a
.jpg photo of Wonderland, they entered through the screen, one by one. 
The red cards had built a wooden platform on the other side, so the 
trip was quick and easy. 

First through was Julie, then Alice, herself. In their excitement, they
failed to notice three strangers peeking around the kitchen doorway. 
They had been following Julie in order to kidnap her. 

*** 

"What you waiting for?" Tom the butler whispered. "That's her, the
redhead." 

"I'm scared," Lennie Tompkins, whispered back. "They ... like went right
into that computer. Nobody can do that." 

"It must be a trick. They're on to us," their companion, Trinka Lemorski
said. "Come on. Let's find out." 

"We can still get her," Tom the butler said as the three hurried toward
a flickering monitor. 

"Where's that at, like?" Lennie said, one hand on the huge contrivance.
"A pitcher an a field or somethin'?" 

"Out of the way, stupid," Trinka pushed his hand off the monitor while
shoving her other hand and arm, inside. "See? If they can get inside, 
so can we." 

"I din't think kidnappin' would be so hard," Lennie said, watching
Trinka's butt go through the screen. "Like, why don't we find a drink 
an talk ‘bout it first?" 

"Move it, you ox." Tom lay flat to pull himself inside onto the
platform, reaching back to signal Lennie to follow. On the other side, 
they brushed themselves off while watching the two girls entering a 
path on the other side of a freshly-mowed grassy field. Tom briefly 
hoped nobody would turn that darned computer off while they were in 
there. "I'll wait here to guard the entrance. Two small teenagers 
shouldn't be any problem for you." 

Actually, older Tom was already exhausted and didn't like the idea of
running across the prairie. As his companions hurried after the girls, 
he sat down on one side of the wooden platform to wait. 

*** 

The two girls didn't notice the action behind them. They kept going into
the woods, following one of five paths that wandered through 
Wonderland. 

The two oldest pathways were the parents of the other three, who
wandered around seemingly at random. Paths having little regard for 
residents, they loved to flip around the countryside at will, sometimes 
making it difficult if not impossible to get from here to there, or 
even back to here from there. Thankfully, Wonderland residents were 
familiar with the process and merely waited until their destination was 
in sight before stepping off. 

Before long, the teenagers could see a small purple cottage in the
distance, safely nestled between two large sheltering elm trees. Since 
the cottage, itself, was made of elm, trees around it were proud of the 
little home and made a point of keeping rain from its roof. It wasn't 
the largest, nor newest, building in Wonderland, but was the most 
loved. 

It was also the home of Alfred the white rabbit and his wife, Snowball.
Yes, the very same Snowball Rabbit that used to be Alice's pet and 
companion. It also sheltered two of Snowball's kids, Billee and Billy. 

Although Alice knocked, first with a hand, then a fist and, later, with
her shoe, there was such a cacophony inside that the door remained 
closed. Finally, she merely turned the knob and opened it to find a 
small party going on. 

Snowball Rabbit and husband Alfred appeared to be practicing undercover
horizontal gymnastics in the bed while a tea party proceeded across the 
room. 

There was the walrus and the carpenter chatting with the mad hatter
while Elmer the dormouse poured a fresh supply of melted butter into a 
teapot. Most of the noise seemed to be coming from the carpenter busily 
nailing biscuits to the tabletop. In their defense, they were freshly 
baked and, sensing a long life before them, extremely resistant to 
being eaten. Their screams only accentuated the pounding of the hammer 
and guffawing of the walrus. The walrus didn't mind because he was 
waiting for fishsticks to warm-up in a microwave. He abhorred buttered 
biscuits without fish to go with them. 

Seeing the girls, the carpenter stopped, allowing three biscuits to
escape, jumping into the teapot to drown. 

Two rabbit heads appeared from beneath the covers, Snowball screaming,
"Ohhhh, my GOSH, Alice and Julie. What are you – Stop Honey, that 
tickles -- doing here?" 

Space was made at the table, though there were no extra chairs handy.
Butter appropriately mixed with tea and dead biscuits, Elmer rushed 
back and forth to pour cups for the rest of the guests. For a change, 
and a huge change it was, the house was reasonably quiet. 

*** 

The two kidnappers hurried down the same path they'd seen the girls use.
However, the path, having a mind of its own, flipped one of its ends 
over toward the only river in Wonderland. See, it was close to 14:87 
o'clock, when workers at the two Queens' palaces changed work shifts. 
Since many of them labored in one kingdom and lived in another, or not, 
a path between kingdoms was expected and provided. 

At the same time, both bridges used to cross the foot-wide river hurried
to position themselves at that particular point. The bridges normally 
spent their time running up and down the riverbank, looking for 
customers. The toll was simple. It cost a nickel to cross one way, free 
the other way. That sounded good except that whichever way you were 
going it was never the other way, always the nickel way. And you better 
not even think about jumping across the stream since both queens shared 
the nickels and either would gladly chop off your head. 

In any case, particularly that case, the two potential kidnappers found
themselves abandoned in deep woods as the path flipped them off before 
jerking into another direction to accommodate the shift change at the 
two castles. 

"What the hell happened?" Trinka asked while brushing dirt, leaves and
Lennie's groping hands off her body. 

"Dunno," Lennie replied. "I din't do it. Like no, I din't." 

With no other recourse, Trinka glared at Lennie. Actually, she had other
recourse. She could have slapped the idiot or kicked him in the gonads, 
instead. Well, that decision over, she saw a brick wall in the distance 
and strode toward it, Lennie following. 

Coming close to the wall, the two heard a cry for "Help!" 

The plea came from a large white egg sitting on a bed of wild lettuce, a
bottle of French dressing trying to console it. The egg, not 
understanding French preferred to curse in English, "Writers eat shit 
without catsup," it screamed at the kidnappers as they approached. "I 
hope you're not frickin' writers, are you?" 

"What are you yelling about, Mr. Egg, and what's the problem?" Trinka
asked, reaching over to pick him up (And it was a him. I'm not going to 
waste time describing the genitals of an egg, so you have to take my 
word on that point.) 

"I have to get back up on that frickin' wall," was the reply. “And the
next time I scratch my ass ... bam, right back down." 

"Why you don', like, just stay down?" Lennie asked. "Don' seem so bad
just'a sittin' on'a wild lettuce." 

"Charlie the frickin' writer's in charge, and he has it in for me. Ever
since I tried to crawl up his ass on that one stormy night. Crawl up 
one frickin' asshole, and it marks an egg as homosexual for life." 

"Oh!" Trinka said, trying to recall if any eggs, among many other
strange devices, had ever been jammed up her (Censored by Author.) 

Lennie helped Humpty back onto a precarious perch, the egg whispering in
his ear, "Hey, Mac. How bout scratching my butt for me? I'll clean your 
pipes for you? You know how us eggs love sperm." 

Leaving the homosexual egg to his own devices, they followed the wall
for a ways. 

At one point, Lennie stumbled onto a small wooden sign set close to the
ground. It said, "Are you a lonely ant or bug? Would you like to be ten 
times your present height? If so, turn right at the next Juniper tree." 


"Funny, like," Lennie said. "Talkin' ta ants, yet." 

A little later, a sign flashed high over their heads. It read, "Too tall
for her, Buddy? Does your height cause her to shun you? If so, turn 
right at the Juniper tree." 

"Stranger and stranger," Trinka said. "Let's try it. At least we should
find someone to tell us how to get out of this forest." 

After turning at what they hoped was the appropriate tree, they came
upon a large five-foot-tall mushroom. Half the plant was orange, the 
other half green. 

"Strange plant," Trinka said, starting to pass it by. 

"Hey! Bub. Have I got a deal for you?" A loud voice stopped them. The
were looking at a cat's ass, no head or body. 

"Come'on," Lennie said. "You can't believe what a cat's ass tells you." 

"How bout this." A head appeared, then the rest of a handsome Cheshire
cat filled the open space. "You wanna get high?" 

"Why? You got some weed?" Lennie replied, interested. 

"Even better, magic mushroom. Guaranteed to get you higher than ever
before." 

"Come on, idiot," Trinka grabbed his arm. "We're working, remember? You
can get high after we grab the kid." 

"Not like this, you can't," the cat said. He called out, "Murgetroid." 

Immediately, a large, very large, purple caterpillar appeared. It glared
at them with one green eye while stumbling around the top of the 
mushroom. The cat giggled. 

Murgetroid would have fallen, a long distance for even a large
caterpillar, if Trinka hadn't reached out to grab him, placing him back 
in the center of the mushroom top. 

"Can't get good help anywhere," the cat complained. It flashed out of
existence for a moment, coming back with an open penknife. 

"I'll let you sample my product," the cat said, carving a large piece of
orange mushroom for Lennie. "Here. Try it out for free." 

Lennie, not being too bright, did so. Suddenly, he grew up and up,
stopping at maybe 100 feet. It was true. He had never been that high in 
his life though his clothing lay on the ground. 

"Better give him something to make him small again," Trinka said,
looking up at her companion. 

"Now, Girlie. That's a whole n'other matter. That one was free. Getting
him small again will cost you." 

Becoming instantly angry, she asked, "How much?" 

"Lebenty-lebon dollars and twelve scents of my choice, most residing in
your panties." 

Livid with anger, the girl pulled a .60cal Enigma-80 Personal
Gutwrencher semi-automatic pistol from her purse and aimed it at the 
cat, who instantly disappeared, leaving only a spate of giggling 
behind. 

Aiming at the stumbling caterpillar, she couldn't force herself to pull
the trigger on the helpless insect. Instead, she grabbed the knife and 
chopped a section off the green part of the plant. 

"Bend way over, Lennie," she called. "We'll try this. I've read 'Alice
in Wonderland'." When he did, she shoved the mushroom up where the sun 
rarely shines, which brought him down to normal size. "You feeling 
okay?" 

"Uh-huh. An I could see a house, right over there." He pointed to the
left. "A big red one." 

The two set off through the woods. A few minutes later, they saw a large
red castle towering over a finely manicured grassy lawn. As they came 
closer, they heard a motor start up, roaring steadily. It was a 
lawnmower manned by, of all things, two six-foot-tall playing cards, 
the three and six of hearts. 

Shaking their heads, they gave the animate cards a wide birth, circling
around to take a yellow-brick path to the castle entrance. 

*** 

Tom Shey, sitting on the platform and exhausted by the activity of
crawling through a, to him, small computer monitor, laid himself down 
on the sun-heated wooden surface and soon fell asleep. 

He was woken by something poking his tummy. Looking up, he saw a large
black eight of spades shoving a cardboard spear at his chest. Rolling 
over, he tried to stand but was, instead, picked up by two other 
playing cards and jerked to by then quavering legs. 

With a command of "Bring him," poor Tom was half-walked, half-dragged
away from the platform. 

After what seemed an interminable walk-slide across the mowed lawn, they
came to a small stream, actually called a river, and were forced to sit 
under a tree. Although he tried to talk to his captors, they ignored 
him. 

"Look, a stranger," someone behind him said. 

"Not to him, idiot. To him, he's not a stranger. To us, he is," another
voice answered. 

"Not really. Since we're here and talking to him, he isn't a stranger
anymore.” 

Tom looked around to find two rolly-polly teenagers standing behind him.
One wore a cardboard box duct-taped around his torso and held a 
dangerous-looking cardboard sword. The other carried a torn fishnet and 
a wooden trident complete with dulled points. 

"Then he's an enemy?" 

"Guess so. Stand and defend yourself, barberian ... barbarun--" one
started to say, interrupted by the other. 

"Wait!" the second commanded. "First we have to choose sides. We can't
have a war with three sides. It's simply not done." He bent down toward 
Tom, dull trident extended. "Which side are you on?" 

Before Tom could answer, the other one stated, "He can't be on one side,
or both. The sides have to be equal. They can't be equal with three 
soldiers. Wars always have to start equal." 

The choosing was interrupted by the appearance of a bridge rapidly
running along the opposite bank to stop and drop across the river. It 
cried out, "Free bridge. Come one, come all. Free access." 

The cards came over to grab Tom, hauling him over to the bridge, which
cried out, "That will be a nickel apiece." 

The eight of spades asked Tom, "Do you have fifteen cents I can borrow?
The Black Queen will give it back before she chops off your head." 

"The bridge said it was free. Why did it change its mind?" Tom asked,
digging into his pocket for change. 

"It's free one way and a nickel the other," was the reply, "and this is
the other. It's always the other." 

"I'll jump across," Tom decided, "and save the money. It's only one foot
across." 

"No. No! If you jump across the queen'll chop off your head." 

"Then if she's going to chop my head off, anyway," Tom asked, "why
should I pay in the first place?" 

The spade had to think a moment. "If you don't pay, she might cut it off
three times. Two times is decidedly better than three times." The other 
card agreed, nodding. 

Shrugging at card logic, Tom paid and they crossed the stream. 

*** 

Lennie and Trinka couldn't believe their eyes. The entrance to the red
castle bustled with many creatures. Large playing cards, all red, 
strode back and forth, some carrying boxes or briefcases. There were 
also many animals including unicorns with corks adorning the tips of 
their horns (required in the Queen's presence), Ogres arguing and, in 
general, making asses of themselves, and even a huge dragon puffing a 
cigar. 

"Why hello, there," the dragon stopped and addressed them in a tiny
voice for such a large creature. "Did you come in with Alice? She's due 
to bring me a new supply of smokes." 

"Who wants to know?" Trinka asked. "And just where are we?" 

"I'm Gargoyle," he reached out one finger at Lennie who took the hint
and shook it. "You must have seen statues of me on rooftops to ward 
away evil? And you're at the famous Red Queen's castle in Wonderland. 
Everyone knows Wonderland. My friends call me Gargie." 

"We're looking for Alice, too," Trinka told the dragon, "and her
companion. A girl named Julie. Giving him a winning smile, she 
continued, "Can you help us find them?" 

"Yeah," from Lennie. 

"I have an appointment with the Queen, herself. Why don't you come with
me? I'm sure she'd like to meet you.” Gargie grinned, large teeth 
frightening Lennie. “If necessary, an entire deck of cards can find 
your girl." 

The two followed Gargie down endless corridors painted red, of course,
before coming to an ornate oaken door. 

"Every new visitor must be interviewed by the court Magi, Mr. Merlin.
Like me, he's originally from England, you know?" Gargie told them. 
"Sorry I can't wait, but I have an appointment." He again shook 
hand-to-claw with both and hurried down the hall. 

Merlin didn't look his age, several hundred years less than Gargie's.
Being a Magi, he projected whatever image he favored at the time. In 
this case, the traditional one seen in history books with black robe 
and pointed cap. 

Nobody could lie in his presence, so he soon heard the complete story on
the kidnapping plot. Having kidnapped a few individuals in his time, he 
held no animosity. Simply wiping all evil intent from their minds, 
past, present, and future to be safe, he sent them in to see the Queen. 


"Oh, dear," the Red Queen said, laughing over a glass of tea. The tea
itself was favored by Alice for its hidden alcoholic content. It was 
Alice's favorite tea in the whole wide world. 

Trinka, in particular and Lennie in general also enjoyed a few glasses
of the tasty brew while telling of past criminal pursuits. 

"So you took his money and left him on that street corner?" the Queen
finished, an idea forming in her own mind. It was an eviler fate than 
chopping off their heads with a cardboard sword, not to mention easier 
on the sword. 

"Yeah, your Majesty," Trinka also laughed. "Hookers in my neighborhood
sometimes do that." 

Lennie only grinned. Now, for some reason, such evil memories made his
tummy queasy. It used to be fun, but was presently only embarrassing. 

Now, Alice knew a lot about Wonderland, but not all. For one thing,
there were other entrances to the place. Obviously one little girl 
couldn't supply the entire populace with needed supplies from the 
outside world. 

One such exit was deep under New York City. After a nice talk and a few
drinks with the Queen, Merlin wiped all memory of Wonderland from their 
minds and left them out in the NYC subway. Now bereft of evil natures, 
they were forced to other occupations. Lennie made it to lieutenant 
governor and Trinka became a nun. 

*** 

Tom and his captors eventually came to the castle of the Black Queen.
Since Wonderland was bereft of evil, there was no jail. Instead he was 
taken to an opulent suite. 

"There's no lock on the door. You'll have to promise not to escape," the
ace of spades told him. "If you try it will be off wi--" 

"I know. Off with my head." 

"It's the most common sentence in the kingdom," the ace told him,
somewhat sheepishly. "Do you promise?" 

"I do." Wait until nightfall, Tom thought, and I'll be off hunting that
little bitch again. 

"A snack is being prepared and the Queen would like you to sup with her.
While you still have a head on your shoulders, that is," Ace told him 
before closing the door and leaving. 

The snack turned out to be a large but undercooked pizza, half a
meatloaf served in a cracked dish, a large bowl of wilted salad, and a 
bottle of fine roach wine. 

After stuffing himself, Tom fell back onto a soft but lumpy bed and fell
asleep. Jail in Wonderland wasn't half bad, he thought, though frowning 
at layers of cobwebs on the ceiling. 

Later, he was shaken by the four of clubs. "The Queen requests your
presence." 

"Go'way. I'm tired. Tell her, later." 

"You'd better get up. If you anger her, you'll lose your he--" 

"I know. I know." Tom rose and brushed himself off. The last thing he
needed right then was another enormous meal. With a loud "Burp!" he 
followed the club. 

On the way, he noticed how sloppy the household staff appeared. Spades
and clubs lounged everywhere. The palace was clean but, being an 
experienced butler, he noticed little things like cracked windows 
repaired with transparent tape and dustballs playing baseball with a 
cricket team along baseboards. Roaches kept pace with him and the club 
as they walked along. One particularly large one even gave them a broad 
smile and the nasty finger. 

The two stopped at an enormous silver door with black trimming. Two
cards, one a club and the other a spade stood guard. At a nod by the 
four, they opened the massive entranceway and the club announced, in a 
loud voice, "Your Majesty. The stranger from Alice Land." Saying it, he 
returned to his post to tell Tom, "The greatest, most beautiful, and 
fabulous but modest Black Queen will see you now." 

Inside a large all-black chamber, Tom saw a diminutive little brown lady
dressed in a tacky black bathrobe sitting in a lounge chair, drinking 
from a teacup. There was a bright electric lamp over her shoulder, 
bathing her in white light, which was no doubt the only reason he would 
have noticed her. She brushed a hand through unkept dark hair. 

An experienced butler, Tom strode over to kneel and kiss a raised hand
adorned with, of course, black polish. "An honor to meet you, your 
majesty." 

"I know, I know it is." She gave him a frown bisected by aged wrinkles
seemingly in constant flux on ancient parchment. "And what have you to 
say before the headsman arrives?" The old lady consulted a sheet of 
paper on a table next to the cup. "So far, you've earned three strokes 
from his sword. Would you like more, or a cup or so of tea while we 
wait? He has to pick his son up from school on the way, you know?" 

"Thank you, ma'am. I much prefer the tea to the sword, any day at all." 

"So it shall be. Instead or with?" 

"No sugar, thank you, your majesty." Despite a shiver in his tummy, Tom
managed to stay loose and lucid. 

"Instead or with butter?" 

"Oh. Butter? The same as yourself, dear lady." 

"With," she cried out in a quavering voice. "I rarely get to meet a
gentleman, sir. Except, of course, for the dragons. Wonderland 
residents are such low class, you know?" 

After the tea was presented, each trained cup knowing how to jump from
the tray and, bowing, settle into place in front of them, she 
continued, "I hope you don't mind the headsman's son taking the third 
cut on your neck? He has much to learn, such as how not to bend the 
sword, you know?" 

"Uh ... well, I--" Realizing the third time his head was cut off
wouldn't bother him in the least, Tom continued. "Not at all, your 
majesty. Uh ... can't we sort of talk that little matter over, ma'am? 
I'd much prefer to keep my head ON my shoulders?" 

"Sorry, sir, but justice must be served." She pondered a moment. "Well
... since you're a gentleman, I can reduce it to being chopped off 
twice ... but no less." 

As Tom opened his mouth to beg, there was a commotion behind him as a
bearded man carrying a large sharp-looking sword hurried in to stand 
beside him. At the same time, a small child of maybe ten-years-old 
appeared on his other side, smooth face grinning directly into Tom's. 

"Me first, Daddy," he said. "Me first." 

"Please bow your head, sir," the man said in a gentle voice. "All right,
Jimmy, but only if her Majesty agrees." 

Sweat appearing on his brow, Tom really had no choice. Seeing a stern
look on the queen's face as she nodded he knew the time for begging was 
over. It was now time for chopping. Knees shaking, vision blurring with 
unbidden tears ... he bent his head. 

Without warning, something thudded across the back of his neck and
shoulders. Of course, Tom had never had his head forcefully separated 
from his body before, but he expected a modicum of pain or at least 
disorientation as it rolled from his shoulders. This was only a dull 
"thumping" feeling. 

"The second. Get ready," the man said. The next thump was sort of
anti-climatic, though was less solid, even childish." 

Surprised, to say the least, Tom reached up to find his head still
firmly attached. He looked up at the queen, who was laughing. 

"We use the flat side of a cardboard sword," she said. "Much more humane
and requiring no cleaning afterward. And it is very entertaining, 
especially for the audience. Now that you've had your sentence, we can 
begin an intelligent conversation. They are so rare." 

A shaking hand reaching for his tea, he really needed something, Tom was
pleasantly surprised to taste a good amount of alcohol in the brew. 
Just what he needed, almost as much as a fresh pair of shorts. What, 
his discombobulated mind wondered, should he talk about? Being a 
butler, the first thing that came to his mind was the condition of the 
palace. 

"Uh ... I noticed, your majesty, that your house staff seems deficient
in many little ways." 

"Oh, indeed," she replied, head shaking in consternation. "It's so hard
to acquire good help these days. As in those cowboy movies, we have 
plenty of Indians but no chiefs. Cards need constant supervision and I 
have few qualified supervisors." 

"What you need is an experienced butler." 

"The White Knight comes in once a week. He's worthless as a house
manager. Tired from warring, he leaves the supervising to his mule. 
Used to being lead, mules aren't known for their leadership skills." 

"I, myself, AM an experienced butler, your highness. And am soon to be
bereft of a position. I could rectify your problems in that respect." 

"Would you?" She beamed, leaning over the cups, who, knowing their own
fragility, rapidly moved to the side. "I can only pay in gold, you 
know?" 

*** 

Leaving Snowball and her children, Alice, along with Julie and Alfred,
made her rounds to deliver cigarettes and cigars to the queens and 
dragons. They visited the Black Queen first, before Tom arrived, 
dropped off a few cartons then proceeded to the kingdom of the Red 
Queen. That visit was while Lennie and Trinka were wandering around in 
the forest. 

Alfred Rabbit, the only lawyer in Wonderland, had his own reasons to
visit the Red Queen. His client, Tommy Ogre, was to stand trial for 
jumping out from behind a tree to scare the White Knight's mule. That 
action caused the knight to fall and falling in full cardboard armor 
can injure even an old soldier. 

After accepting her smokes, the queen invited them to sit at her table
for the trial. 

The two girls sat drinking that nice tea that Alice so loved as they
watched the trial. Alice loved the tea because it made her tummy feel 
so warm and her head light enough to float. She knew enough to sit 
while drinking it since a floating head tended to scramble the use of 
heavy feet. 

Tommy Ogre was forced into the courtroom by the sharp horns of two
unicorns. In Wonderland, a trial was cause for a party. Scores of 
residents attended, munching on hot dogs and pizza as they waited. 

Many waited for the arrival of the oysters, a cauldron of salted water,
boiling away merrily, was also waiting for them. After all, they had 
been invited. The walrus and carpenter were seen waiting on the shore, 
but waiting in vain. Mother Oyster had spied her progeny while they 
were dressing for the event, little bows in their hair, and advised 
them to stay home to remain uneaten. 

There was also a section of big ugly ogres, making a lot of noise -- as
ogres do. A great many unicorns were walking around the area, some with 
festive ribbons on their horns. 

“You see, when matters became too civilized on Earth, many mythical
creatures came to Wonderland,” Alfred told Julie. “The unicorns and 
dragons are good citizens but we sometimes have trouble with those 
young ogres. They don't want to follow rules.” 

“Make them go away again,” Julie suggested. “They look so scary.” 

“Can't do that. The older ones are nice, but some of the teenagers get
nasty,” he told the girl. “My client hid in a bush and scared the White 
Knight. The poor knight fell off his mule and hurt his leg.” He 
shrugged. “Now the queen wants to chop off his head.” 

“Chop off his head because he fell off his mule, you mean, or because he
hurt his leg?” Alice asked, in wonder. 

“No, I mean the ogre, Tommy,” the rabbit corrected. 

“Then say what you mean, or mean what you say,” Alice corrected Alfred.
“And why don't you do what my Mama does when I'm bad? Tickle his 
stomach until he cries. That's better than cutting off his head.” 

When the trial started, the ugly little ogre kid was found guilty.
Alfred talked to the Red Queen and she sentenced Tommy to being 
tickled. It was pretty bloody, though. 

She asked one of the big dragons to tickle Tommy with his claws, and
blood went everywhere. That wasn't exactly what Alice meant. 

After that, still feeling woozy, Alice showed Julie to Gargie Dragon's
cave on the other side of the forest. That was where a dragon colony 
had settled. 

"Brreeeehh," they heard as they approached Gargie's cave. The two young
ladies were surprised when someone whispered at them from the bushes. 

"What's the password? You must give a password." 

Gazing into the shrubbery, they found a group, or at least a whole
bunch, of knights hiding there. The braying noise had come from the 
White Knight's mule, Fred, who stood by himself, shaking his head. 

"Give the password, or you can't pass," one of the knights repeated,
lance extended across the path. 

"What's the password, then?" Alice asked. 

"Honey," another knight whispered to her. 

"Okay then. Honey," she answered. 

"You may pass," the first knight told her, in a serious manner. 

"What are you doing here?" Julie asked them; a sensible question, since
it was strange. 

"We're hunting dragons," the White Knight answered in a deep but quaking
old voice. 

"There they are, over there," Alice pointed out a couple of dragons
sitting at a picnic table, playing chess. "If you've found them, how 
can you be hunting them?" she asked; also a reasonable question in a 
reasonable tone. 

"Then we're founding dragons," the White Knight agreed, while Fred
simply shook his shaggy head. 

"Okay, have fun founding," Julie told them and the two went on their way
to see Gargie. 

They found the huge dragon sitting outside his cave near the other
mythical monsters. It was a sunny day and he was reading a book. It was 
all about dragons saving beautiful maidens from evil knights. 

He had a large glass of lemonade sitting next to his chair, and his feet
up on a nearby rock. Well, the rock was actually at least eight-feet 
away, but still nearby to a large dragon. 

"I brought your cigars, Gargie. What are all those knights doing in the
bushes? They said they're hunting you for some reason?" Alice asked 
him. 

"Have some lemonade, ladies, and thanks for the cigars." He looked over
at several waving lances extending above the shrubbery. "One of them 
read a book. It said that knights were supposed to hunt dragons, so now 
they want to hunt me." 

"Aren't you scared." Julie looked at the hidden hunters,
brightly-colored lances waving above tall bushes. 

"Not in the slightest, young lady. Every hour or so they take a break
and come over for lemonade." He pointed at a table filled with empty 
glasses. 

"I didn't see Humpty on the way over. Have you seen him?" Alice asked. 

"Oh, Humpty's in the hospital right now -- poor egg. He fell off the
wall one time too many. Now all of Wonderland is angry at him. I wish 
the writer wouldn't insist on making him sit on that wall." 

"Why are people angry at Humpty? It's not his fault. It's Charlie, the
writer's." 

"They're mad because he used up all the eggs in Wonderland. The doctor
needed all that yolk to fill him up again. Now we don't have any eggs 
to eat for breakfast." 

After lemonade and a hot snack, they said goodbye to Gargie. 

Alice didn't have much time to spend. She had to get back home before
her mother returned from work. After stopping at Alfred and Snowball's 
house they all squeezed through the monitor. Julie never ever found out 
about the kidnapping attempt. 

The End.


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