The Man I Fear (standard:drama, 2277 words)
Author: Lori	Added: Aug 24 2004	Views/Reads: 3342/2058	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A man makes a choice to stop his suffering. Be warned very graphic!

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story


Because you're dead in my mind. 

The boy that you loved is the monster you fear.“ 

Marilyn sings to Steve in the dark little cubbyhole he calls his room.
It's his escape from the world, the place only he can be free in. At 
least it is when his parents aren't barging in demanding to know what's 
wrong with him. 

“This my decision to stop the pain inside my own heart. I know this will
hurt you, I'm sorry for that. But, I can't see any other way to stop 
what is happening to me. I want to be healed from this madness. I can't 
see a way to do that, so this is the choice I'm making. 

“Sometimes in life we do the unforgivable; this is mine. I hope, in
time, you'll forgive me. I can't take life like this! The world views 
me as a freak, no one understands me anymore. They can't see the person 
I am inside. 

"Stephanie did once, but now even she's gone. I can't live without her
being in my life. She was the one that kept me grounded. She was the 
one that made me feel like a person. Now, she can't see past the 
outside anymore. That's her choice, this is mine.” 

Steve picks up the picture of him and Stephanie off his desk. It feels
like a long time has past since it was taken. It was before drugs and 
alcohol rocked his world, before the depression set in. It seems light 
years ago, but in reality it was only a few. 

“Peel off all those eyes and crawl into the dark, 

You've poisoned all of your children to camouflage your scars. 

Pray unto the splinters, pray unto your fear, 

Pray your life was just a dream, 

The cut that never heals. 

Pray now baby, pray your life was just a dream.” 

“Maybe this is a dream, I'll wake up and nothing bad will have happened
to us. I never hit Mom, never tried to kill Dad. I'm sorry for that 
now, but I can't change it, can't take it back. The only thing I can do 
is try to make it right. Sometimes reality has a way of biting us on 
the ass. This is the time when it's done it to me. 

“Maybe if I kept going to the doctors it would've been different. But,
Mom, Dad, you know how the medicine made me feel! That wasn't a real 
life; it was a shell of one. They kept telling us it would get better. 
Maybe for you it did, you had a son you could manage. But, for me it 
was hell! 

For me, it was like I stopped being human. I couldn't feel anything,
slept all the time, didn‘t want to eat, and didn‘t want to bathe. I 
didn‘t want to do anything but sit there and stare off into space. Why 
would I want to live that kinda life? 

“Please forgive me for what I'm about to do. I do love you both
somewhere inside myself. I don't hate either of you, no matter what you 
think. The person I hate is myself, I'm the man I fear. Love your son, 
Steve.” 

Steve puts down the pen and takes a deep breath. It feels like a burden
has been lifted. He feels for once, he's made the right decision. The 
voices in his head agree with him. 

“(I am so tangled in my sins that I cannot escape.)” 

Steve picks up the penknife, looking for the escape he knows it'll
provide. He knows its sharp, having changed the blade that morning. 

He looks at his wrists and imagines the blood coming out. He heard from
one of his friends the best way is to cut length ways. If you cut it 
sideways, you stand a chance of living. He doesn't want that chance; he 
wants to end it. It isn't supposed to hurt either, he‘s about to find 
out. 

“Pinch the head off, collapse me like a weed, 

Someone had to go this far. 

I was born into this, 

Everything turns to shit. 

The boy that you loved is the man that you fear.” 

Steve takes the knife in his left hand. He's right handed, so he knows
it'll be the hardest to cut. He puts the knife half way between his 
elbow and wrist, sticks it into his skin.  His friend is right; it 
doesn't hurt. It almost feels good to him; it has a sting but nothing 
else. 

It feels like his soul is being released as he cuts downward. With each
new opening, he feels the grief and pain leave his body. With each 
inch, he feels himself being given over to a higher power. Steve sits 
back to enjoy it before he makes the matching cut. He hears the song 
winding down. 

“Peel off all those eyes and crawl into the dark, 

You've poisoned all of your children to camouflage your scars. 

Pray unto the splinters, pray unto your fear. 

Pray your life was just a dream. 

The cut that never heals. 

Pray now baby, pray your life was just a dream.” 

Marilyn seems to seduce Steve with his soulful voice. It's like Marilyn
understands what he's going through. 

Steve makes the other cut. He drops the knife at his side, watching it
spiral down to the floor. Putting his arms in his lap, Steve leans back 
in his chair to think about his life. He sees glimpses of it flash 
before his eyes. 

Steve sees himself at five playing in the background with the dog his
parents had gotten him. How he wishes he could go back to being that 
sweet and innocent little boy again! How he wishes that he could bottle 
up this feeling to carry with him! 

Steve sees himself at ten on the baseball team. They won the state
championship that year. It was his first major accomplishment. His Dad 
had walked around for a week with his chest stuck out with pride. 

At that time, he had a son that could do no wrong. A son he could be
proud of. Not a freak that dressed in black, his face painted white 
with black tears running down. It had been his way to show everyone 
something was wrong no one paid attention. They just called him a freak 
and “turned the other cheek”. 

“The world in my hands, 

There's no one left to hear you scream 

There's no one left for you.” 

The song takes a different turn after this verse. Steve listens as a
computer voice repeats something over and over. It hard to hear at 
first because of the guitar solo, but Steve hears the words punch in 
his heart. 

“When all of your wishes are granted, 

Many of your dreams will be destroyed.” 

Steve wishes his wishes had never granted. Maybe then his dreams
wouldn't have been destroyed. His life may have been different. 

Steve starts to feel light headed. He feels the life leaving his body.
He's disturbed by a knock on the door. He didn't think anyone was home. 


“Oh shit!” he cries as he hears the door opening. It's too late to stop
what has started. 

“Steve, your father............STEVE!” his mother comes running over to
him. 

“I didn't want you to see this...I thought you were gone.” Steve's
breathing is shallow and deep. 

“Why Steve? Why are you doing this?” his mother asks him with tears
running down her face. 

“I didn't...want to...put you...thru.... more... pain.” Steve struggles
to get out. Oh, how he wishes she would have came in when there had 
only been one cut. He now understands what he's leaving behind. He can 
see the love in her eyes, feel it in the way she reaches out to caress 
his cheek. 

“Oh, honey! Paul, call 911! Hurry!” His mother screams out of the room. 

“What is it?” Steve hears his father's voice. “Oh shit! What has he
done?” 

“Shut up for once and get the damn phone! Help him, dear God Paul, help
him!” Steve's mother screams at her husband. 

“Forgive me...please.” Steve cries to his mother. He feels so light, so
free. 

“No, honey, you have nothing to be forgiven for. Please forgive us for
not understanding you.” Steve's mother sees the life leaving his eyes; 
she takes him into her arms. 

She saw him into this world, now she's here to see him leave it too. She
cries for the little boy she brought into this world. She cries for the 
teenager they couldn't understand. She cries for the man that he'll 
never be. 

“I...love...you...Mom.” Steve says with his last breath. 

“Oh, my child! My baby! Why did you feel you needed to do this? I
would've helped you! I should've found a way into your heart. I 
should've understood you more. I‘m so sorry!” Steve's mother cries over 
his dead body. She rocks him in her arms, begging God to bring him back 
to her. Begging God to give her another chance. * 

Steve's laid to rest three days later. All the people that touched his
life attend his funeral. There are his childhood friends all dressed in 
spiffy clothes of the young yuppies they have become. There are his 
Goth friends all in black with white make-up on their faces. There's 
Stephanie crying over the boy she used to know and love. 

Most importantly, there are his parents with the final understanding of
their son. A child that didn't get what he needed in life. But, they 
prayed, he got in death respect, honor, and unconditional love. They 
prayed he's whole now. 

There's nothing else to fear about Steve.  There's only love for the boy
he was and the man he had become. It doesn't matter that he wasn't what 
they wanted him to be. The only thing that matters is he's their son in 
death, as he was in life. 

“We love you, Steve.” His father says as he places a purple rose on his
casket. How he wishes he could have said those words while Steve was 
alive. They walk away listening to the sound of their son being lowed 
down into his grave. A grave, in Steve's parents' eyes, that was filled 
to early. 

Sometimes those three little words are hard to say until it's really to
late to say them. Don't wait until it's too late to tell the people who 
are important to you that you love them. Live every day, as it was your 
last. Make your words and feelings count now while you can. Tomorrow 
may not come for you. It didn't for Steve. 

*The song is “The Man That You Fear” by Marilyn Manson. *


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