The Perfect Jerk (standard:Ghost stories, 5113 words)
Author: Anonymous	Added: Apr 07 2005	Views/Reads: 3533/2359	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
An executive discribes and questions how a coworker can be employed at a 5-Star corporation. This rude, unmannered, and apparently mentally ill individual is the only sub-par employee out of a stellar group of the highest qualified staff you could hope t

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regiment was strictly adhered to, which is hard to do when you have no 
hygiene regiment, his rank uniform would emit an odor that could make a 
sewage treatment plant smell good in comparison. You can tell when you 
have entered an area that Cletus had occupied some 10 minutes after he 
has moved on. It is impossible to describe the stench Cletus oozes. 
Many long discussions have gone on debating how this man can be a B F & 
T employee? 

The longest hairs on Cletus's body protrude from his eyebrow, nostrils
and ears. The massive wads of fur in his ears could easily be a 
candidate for a Hummingbird nest. His eyebrow is one continuous 
caterpillar covering the bridge of his nose, a shaggy ebony wooly-worm. 
Only a couple of teeth are visible when Cletus barks his abusive 
tirades, and they vary from black to a nicotine brown or a shadowy 
gray. 

We will not speak of the belches, quacks, rumblings, and other gastric
distress noises frequently emitted by Mr. Miller, but enough of the 
physical negatives, the main source of irritation from Cletus is his 
speech and attitude. He usually just ignores people, even when they ask 
a direct question. If you get any response from him, it usually is just 
a grunt or a series of moans. Once someone forces a verbal response 
from Cletus, the strange verbiage, the broken and misused words become 
close to a foreign language. The screams and garbled words mixed with 
long strings of numbers just roll on and on, with Cletus never looking 
at his victim as he keeps mopping at his normal very slow pace. Even 
when alone, Cletus will start shouting his phrases, often gibberish and 
usually containing long strings of mathematical terms, with some 
vulgarity thrown in for good measure. This man was a menace to society 
and the scorn of Burkett Financial. 

All new employees at Burkett Financial and Trust start at one of two
positions. CPA's, lawyers, accountants and other university graduates 
start in the 3rd floor mail room. Non-graduates start as janitors in 
the basement. These temporary placements tend to humble new employees, 
but they also allow them an opportunity to learn the building’s layout 
and to get familiar with some of the staff and how our system works. 
Often a new employee will only do custodial or mail work for a week or 
so before transferring to their regular assignment, but Cletus has 
never advanced during his 29 years at the firm. Somehow the man must 
get his daily work done , but this loser remains an embarrassment to 
all the employees, most of them having trouble understanding how Cletus 
was ever hired, and how he manages to stay on. At one time, there was 
an unkind joke circulating around the office stating that Cletus is 
really the company founder, Jeff Burkett’s, older step-brother. 

It seems like a terrible prank, but most new employees are made aware of
Cletus in a deliberate and crude way. The mail room supervisor will 
tell a freshly hired CPA that they must find Cletus, as there has been 
a spill in the Executive Boardroom, and Cletus is the only janitor 
allowed in there. Rookie janitors are told to find Cletus to receive 
their advanced custodial training. Then all the coworkers sneak down to 
watch and laugh as Cletus lets loose with his mutilation of the English 
language, rattling off of numbers, and volumes of confusing words. I 
stood in stunned disbelief when I received my indoctrination from 
Cletus, and I have witnessed many employees break into tears or run for 
safety. 

It is said that a senior staff member did approach Mr. Burkett,
demanding Cletus be dismissed, and after a brief, but heated argument, 
this staff member was discharged. Why didn't the State or County 
governments remove Mr. Miller, take him off the streets for his, and 
everybody else’s' protection. 

The Executive floors had actually been smelling better lately, and one
of the auditors mentioned that Cletus has been off for a couple weeks 
and wondered if there was a direct connection. Many questioned if 
Cletus had retired, and talk of a farewell or retirement party was 
brought up, everybody invited, except Cletus. All the old jokes based 
on body odor, hygiene, flatulence, and bad breathe are making the 
rounds, with Cletus the scapegoat. The rumor mill was in full swing 
about the fate of this recluse. 

Having this background on Cletus, maybe you can appreciate the staffs
surprise when most of us received registered letters from the office of 
Jeff Burkett, return receipt required. The remaining employees were 
sent Certified letters. The letter contained a small pastel envelope 
made of fine linen, with gold embossed lettering. Also included was a 
hand written note on Burkett Financial and Trust letterhead. The memo 
read as follows. 

Dear Valued Employees; 

Many of you may be aware that one of our staff has not reported for work
for some seven weeks now, and I regret to notify you that this long 
time and dedicated employee passed away this last Tuesday evening. He 
will be missed. 

Services for Cletus P. Miller will be held at the Willow Funeral Home
this Saturday, October 9th at noon. As Mr. Miller had no living 
relatives, this will be a private service, NOT open to the public, 
confirmed invitation required. You will find a formal invitation to 
this service that must be returned if you plan to attend, R.S.V.P. 
Every loyal employee should want to attend. 

For a few of you, when you open the envelope, you will find that the
invitation has been completed for you. These people should carry the 
invitation to the service on Saturday, do not return it, because a 
company completed invitation indicates attendance is mandatory. Any 
employee receiving a completed invitation that does not attend the 
service can report to personnel on Monday, the 11th, to pick up their 
personal items and receive their final paycheck. I again remind 
everyone that they should make every effort to attend this service. 

Please make your gestures of sympathy in the form of prayers. Do not
collect for a memorial, as those arrangements have been attended to by 
the company. There is no designated charity to contribute to either. 
Flowering plants did fascinate Mr. Miller and were one of his few 
interests, but again, the company will handle more than adequate floral 
arrangements. As stated, I strongly urge everyone to get the chance to 
honor our long time coworker and colleague. 

Sincerely; 

Jefferson D. Burkett 

Quiet disbelief summarizes our present corporate spirit. Many faithful
employees have actually lost sleep thinking about this moron. Jefferson 
Burkett made us work with this clown, now he wants us to attend his 
funeral. Hogwash! 

Stunned! That is the word that best described every employees attitude
and state of mind. It took only a hour to tally that there were 56 
mandatory invitations, and all of them were sent to employees in the 
highest corporate positions or the high seniority personnel. What a 
joke it would be if old Clet was Jeff Burkett’s older brother, but no, 
the memo said Cletus had no family. My invitation was completed for me 
in the same gold embossment, so I had no choice about attendance. There 
goes my Saturday golf game. I thought I could slip out after a brief 
appearance. The one nice thing is, the only corporate moron is gone, 
what great luck! 

Not having my heart in it, I was running a little late this morning, but
once I arrived at the Willow Funeral Home, I was asked for my 
invitation and was ushered to a preassigned seat; up front, second row. 
So much for sneaking out of this 'Dog and Pony' show! The service 
didn't start for 10 minutes, but it appeared the Chapel was full. All 
of my fellow supervisors and accountant executives were seated around 
me in the second pew, with the Vice Presidents and Department Heads 
assigned positions in the front pew. 

The funeral chapel was done in rich mahogany paneling, with stained
glass windows. The alter had no religious symbols, just a large Peace 
Lily that appeared to be made of mother of pearl. Two huge stand-up 
wreathes were on tripods, with hundreds of roses covering one and 
orchids on the other, both trailing blooms down nearly to the floor. 
Several flower racks surrounded the casket, but they were empty except 
for a small urn containing what looked like a yellow snapdragon plant 
and a smaller foil wrapped coffee can containing potted mums, obviously 
non-commercial arrangements. There smallness compared to the mammoth 
wreathes made them stand out. 

A small soft spotlight shines down on the closed casket. The chapel
falls silent as Jeff Burkett steps up to the casket, placed both hands 
on the lid, and after a moment, pauses at the small potted plants, 
reading the name tags. Slowly he turns and touched the casket one last 
time as he approaches the pulpit. 

So much for the tears, sobs, and the touching moments. I’ve given you
the background, you’ve been brought up to date. My coworkers and I are 
stuck here in this morbid place, and there is a large group of us who 
are eager to hear how Jeff Burkett is going to explain away this idiot 
we were forced to endure. Maybe a “Going Away” party is still a good 
idea, the only corporate “deadwood” is now history. Let’s hear it Jeff, 
have at it Big Boy, this sob story better be good! I have a feeling 
this is going to be a day I never forget! 

“Friends, Thank you for attending. 

“I am happy to see you all, and of course, saddened for the reason of
this gathering. What I am about to announce will affect everyone in 
this room, so please hear me out. I was not happy to ask you to give up 
your Saturday noon hour, but it is important for you to be aware of the 
origin and history of our fine Corporation. I will keep this memorial 
brief, less than 15 minutes. There will be no ministers, hymns, or 
prayers for Mr. Miller. He was my friend, I will truly miss him, and I 
will forever be in his debt. 

“Let me clear up a few things; One, Cletus was my first employee, with
thirty years seniority. I have privately laughed at the "step brother" 
rumors, but over time he became just as close as any real brother could 
be. You are about to learn about the miraculous advantages Mr. Miller 
gave this company, and I might add his only achievement came from his 
predictions, his alone, and all with a 100% success rate, so be warned, 
perfection is not just a lost Ideal! 100% correct on all predictions, 
that record can't be beat and it will never come close to being 
equaled. The only way to define a record like that requires the word 
PERFECTION! 

“Second, I am aware that my good friend Cletus Miller was not a well
liked employee at Burkett Financial. In deed, he was shunned, avoided, 
and at times he was feared, and in some cases, rightfully so. 

“Third, we are proud of the fact that Burkett Financial is a privately
held corporation. Many of the perks you employees receive can only come 
about because we do not have to answer to stockholders. This may amaze 
you, but Cletus played a huge part in maintaining our private corporate 
status. So please allow me to explain my relationship with my friend 
Mr. Miller. Then we will have a brief bit of business to attend to. 

“As a student, I met Mr. Miller while driving back to Ann Arbor some 32
years ago. This happened after Christmas break, and I suddenly found 
myself stranded along US-23, 35 miles from the University of Michigan 
campus. Driving in the winter wind, rain, and sleet, I had roared by a 
hitchhiker just a mile or so back in my 1949 dodge when it rumbled, 
backfired, slowed down, sputtered, and then finally it quit. I felt 
like a fool huddled under the hood because I had no idea what to do to 
make the old jalopy come to life. 

“I felt even worse when I spotted the soaked hitchhiker ambling up the
highway, now about to pass me. I said hello, and asked if he had any 
mechanical knowledge. The man just kept walking, and it was not until I 
hollered for him to stop, that he faced me; shy, embarrassed, and more 
leery of me than I was of him. That was my first look at Cletus Miller. 


“Soon I realized I may have made a mistake, as this man spent a mere 30
seconds under my hood when he made a "turn the key" gesture, followed 
by a raft of loud gibberish. Cautiously I turned the engine over and 
the man quickly waved me off, still speaking what could have been a 
foreign language. He remained under the hood for less than a minute, 
and again he made the turn-the-key sign while still rattling off the 
non-sense. I moved the key to the "on" position and pushed the ignition 
button, and the old bomb instantly started. I was elated as I slipped 
out to shut the hood, but the man had carefully closed the hood and 
proceeded to walk south on US-23. I had to run up and grab him, 
thanking him while pushing him to my car to give him a ride back to 
town. 

“When I shifted through the gears, I realized the engine started to pop
and miss when it was revved up, and my wet savior mechanic would squeal 
and wave his arms as the engine sputtered. This fellow actually reached 
over with his left foot, controlling the accelerator, keeping the car 
at 25 - 28 MPH, and at that speed, the engine ran smooth. When he 
removed his foot and I operated the gas, the old dodge ran fine as long 
as I keep the speed at a moderate rate. 

“As happy as I was, I quickly realized that everything was not perfect.
My heater fan was circulating an obnoxious odor that had to be coming 
from my mechanical expert. The next hour on the highway, slowly heading 
to the YMCA was an unforgettable event, but not for the obvious 
reasons. 

“I tried to make conversation with this odorific master mechanic, but he
responded with unintelligent grunts and moans. Somewhere in the mix of 
gibberish, I heard repeated statements about replacing a cracked 
distributor cap and rotor, and an estimated retail cost to do so. Also 
the Delco-Remy part numbers were brought up repeatedly. The loud 
commentary was recited over and over again, included something about 
distributor cap and rotor fleet costs of $2.38 and $.88, jobber costs 
of $2.98 and $1.02, dealer cost of $3.78 and $1.88, and retail costs of 
$4.98 and $2.93. Later, I paid $7.91 plus tax at my local auto parts 
store, the exact retail price I was told by this roadside hero. 

“I thought about the costs and part numbers, and found myself going back
to the YMCA in an attempt to locate this wizard of auto parts data. The 
first visit had me face to face with Cletus, but unfortunately, he 
seemed to have no recollection of our previous meeting. I tried to 
communicate with Mr. Miller, and apparently we both became loud in our 
attempts to speak and understand each other. Cletus was trying to get 
away from me as I was getting gradually louder. 

“Eventually, an older gentleman approached Mr. Miller, very softly
stating something that made Cletus take a seat, fold his hands in his 
lap, and remain calm and silent. The gentleman introduced himself as 
the Director of the Ann Arbor YMCA and then he asked me about my 
relationship with Mr. Miller. I told the entire story of the rescue and 
exactness of the part numbers and costs, stating I felt the need to 
speak with Mr. Miller again. It was apparent that the older chap cared 
for Cletus and had Mr. Millers interest at heart. 

“The director then asked me if I knew anything about the cognitive
phenomena known as autistic prodigious savant. He informed me that most 
people having this condition can not function in society, but some show 
near genius talents in just one or two fields. Some savants can speak a 
dozen languages fluently, while others can not speak at all. Some had 
professional drawing and painting abilities, or possessed perfect 
pitch, or photographic memories. This poor fellow Cletus had a general 
I.Q. of less than 20, but he exceeded 200 I. Q. in mathematics and 
algebraic calculations. Add in near 100% memory recall, and you had a 
one-of-a-kind imbecilic-genius. 

“Fascinated, I found myself asking if I could meet with Cletus a couple
times a week, of course under the supervision of the YMCA. I was an 
Engineering student at the time and I imagined wonderful thoughts about 
the simplification of the multitude of formulas engineers worked with 
on a daily basis. Cletus and I met twice weekly for over ten months. 

“I found Cletus had three areas of expertise; memory of numbers and
data, as with the auto part numbers and costs at various distribution 
levels. Second, his mechanical aptitude was unequalled, as he proved 
repairing my Dodge. And third, he had the ability to perform advanced 
mathematical formulation. Long string formulas and calculations were 
second nature to this man who could not spell his own name. Other than 
that, Cletus had no word skills, no ability to generate any thought 
processes on his own, and absolutely no social skills. 

“Well my friends, It took weeks to establish communications with Cletus,
sorting through the gibberish. I could go on indefinitely about our 
relationship, but lets just say that Cletus more then exceeded my 
expectations with the engineering formulas. 

“Then, quite by chance, Mr. Miller overheard me mentioning the past
record and current performance figures of a long-time family held 
stock, and Cletus, without hesitation, spit out a list of percentages 
and values while attempting to work a yo-yo I had brought him. Later, 
he was actually trying to remove some dried chewing gum from his 
fingers when the television in the background mentioned production and 
sales numbers for the Ford Motor Company. Without looking up, Cletus 
accurately forecasted future profits in dollars and percentages for the 
automaker. 

“He had no idea what he had predicted and he could care less. I spoke to
my father about the family stock nest-egg, stating I had an anonymous 
source that relayed new sales information. Soon the family shares, 
coupled with additional share purchased based on a forecast from Cletus 
yielded a very favorable profit. 

“Most of you are aware of my loyalty to my alma mater, The University of
Michigan. Friends, that is a false impression, I never graduated from 
the University. Instead of attending my classes, I spent 18 hours a day 
following the financial predictions that Cletus had made after I fed 
him basic past performance numbers, and I soon realized this man was a 
human crystal ball. It took some hard work and scrambling, but 
eventually I set up Burkett Financial, and we have never looked back. 

“We had no record-breaking stock profits, but Cletus steadily sorted out
the strong, dependable, safe corporations that would make anybody’s 
portfolio rock-solid, doing this while working from my garage. Now we 
have you people to select the jewels of the market, but still, Clete 
was confirming your numbers right up to a few weeks ago. Even then, I 
was trying in vain to get Cletus to quit his janitors position. 

“I am aware that a great number of employees detested Mr. Miller. What
you employees did not realize was you were not looking at the corporate 
Black Sheep, you were looking at a man who made your job possible, but 
more importantly, a man who loved his position in life. For the first 
time Cletus could finally function in society, he held a job. Those 
tirades most of you have witnessed were just the way Cletus expressed 
himself, no harm intended. Cletus could have lived in a Penthouse, and 
been waited on hand and foot, but he would have no part of that. He 
wanted to work, he loved his job, the only place where he felt he was 
part of a crew, a team member, he actually earned a weekly paycheck. 

“True, he would not have made it in the real job market, but let’s face
it, I had to make sure that the only other stockholder of Burkett 
Financial and Trust remained happy and was tended to properly. You see, 
I hold 50.1% of the BF&T stock and our recently deceased coworker, 
Cletus P. Miller owns the remaining 49.9%.” 

Jeff sipped some water, not a person moved. If it’s possible to hear
silence, it was coming through loud and clear. As I glance around, all 
my coworkers either have their heads bowed, or have a somber look of 
astonishment on their faces. Nearly all the female employees, and a 
good percentage of the male employees have tear-streaked faces, 
including myself. I feel so low, how could I have been so wrong? I am 
totally ashamed and embarrassed for my hatefulness and viscous 
statements against this poor simple man. 

“In summary, Cletus never moved out of the YMCA, except temporarily when
the Y moved into their new facilities. Cletus kept things simple, he 
had one address and one employer for his entire adult life. I bet some 
of you may have wondered how the city of Ann Arbor was able to 
construct and totally pay off that marvelous new eight-story YMCA/YWCA 
in downtown proper. Well, wonder no more. Mr. Miller's stock dividends 
have done many great things for our community. 

“Ever consider how we keep and support one of the countries finest
Arboretums and Botanical gardens? Cletus spent every day off as a 
volunteer there. The Master Gardeners had to keep Cletus away from the 
public, weeding and feeding seedlings, but they also had to force him 
to leave at the end of those very long days. He could nurture and 
admire blooming plants for hours. The only calm conversations Cletus 
ever had was when he talked to the flowers and budding plants. 

“Now that you are aware of my history with Cletus and realize he was
something more than a unstable custodian, maybe you can understand this 
man slightly better. Let me show you the real Cletus as I conclude this 
service, it’s time to finalize some business. 

“I am granting Cletus’s last wish by announcing that all of his BT&F
stock shares will be sold or transferred today. A substantial amount, 
25% is bequeathed to, and divided equally among the local YMCA/YWCA, 
the Huron Valley Boy and Girl Scout Councils, AA Little League 
baseball, The united Way, Pop Warner flag Football, and The Washtenaw 
Arboretum, some $19,000,000 dollars. 

“25% is going to The University of Michigan Hospital, dedicated to
Mental health, specifically autistic studies. 

Now, please pay attention closely, another 25% of his shares will be
divided on a "time of service" basis among our employees of record at 
the time of his death. But, and it’s big but, this only applies to 
coworkers who attended this service today. That was his desire, to 
share his wealth with the only people he ever associated with, his 
coworkers and fellow employees, the people who shared his workspace. 

“I can only hope this history of Mr. Millers relationship with me and
our company has enlightened you. Tonight when you retire, please think 
of that nasty, foul smelling degenerate, and remember he is the reason 
for your upcoming stock bonus, but more importantly, his perfection in 
analyzing Corporate values was the reason we all have a job. 

“I thank you for attending, please make sure you sign the employee
journal when you exit and drive carefully as you... Oh, one last thing, 
I noticed the arrangements on the podium and I must ask Leroy Roosevelt 
from grounds maintenance, Custodial Shop Secretary Marion Wilson, and 
Miss Marshall from janitorial supply to remain after this service. Mr. 
Miller has certified that the rest of his estate, the remaining 25% be 
divided amongst his closest friends, but Cletus had no way to identify 
them. Even after thirty plus years, I’m not sure Cletus has ever 
uttered my name, let alone any other co-workers’ name. 

“It seems a few kind and caring souls at Burkett will have a little
something extra to help them remember Cletus, as his Last Will and 
Testament states that those people who knew him best, the folks who 
understood him well enough to truly realize and appreciate his love of 
flowering plants, his feelings for all things floral, and his joy from 
a blossom, any blossom, these people will be transferred the remaining 
estate shares. My corporate attorneys have assembled the documents 
required to finalize the transfer of the remaining estate, 25% to the 
three employees who took a moment to show that they actually cared 
about our... 

Footnote: Fewer than 50 prodigious savants are alive today, but in this
group the gift of genius is almost unbelievable. The term savant dates 
from the late 19th century, when a small number of people in European 
asylums classified as feebleminded "idiots" were discovered to have 
extraordinary, even uncanny skills. One had memorized The Decline and 
Fall of the Roman Empire after reading it a single time. Others were 
able to multiply long columns of numbers instantly and factor cube 
roots in seconds, though they could barely speak. We are learning that 
the extraordinary skills of savants tap into areas of the mind that 
function like supercomputers, compiling massive amounts of data from 
the senses to create a working model of the world. Will we all be able 
to tap these special areas someday? 


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