WHEN THE GODS WERE WALKING THE EARTH, part 1 (standard:humor, 3931 words)
Author: Art by Assiliym	Added: Oct 30 2006	Views/Reads: 2888/2005	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Kind of twisted version of old Greek comedy

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

Ever since King Baldhead had launched the perestroyka in the 
neighbouring kingdom, those dwarfs had suspended their communist party 
membership and had declared themselves socialists. Being a socialist 
was the latest fad there... Anyway, back to our story. 

On the fourth day of the celebrations, the king organized a hunt. All
noble guests as well as the gods were invited. The Minotaur was brought 
out of the royal zoo. It had the monstrous head of a wild boar with 
giant tusks, and human legs. He was closely related to the centaur: a 
half-human, half-equine creature. The Minotaur was the king's skeleton 
in the closet: having once overindulged in drinking, the queen missed 
the door of the royal bedroom and went to the royal sty instead. The 
Minotaur was the result of that unfortunate blunder. 

“He who kills the Minotaur shall gain the hand of my daughter in
marriage,” the king announced. 

All guests turned to gaze at Princess Pumpkin. Strangely enough, her
name was Pumpkin, although she rather resembled a head of cabbage that 
had been kicked about quite a while. Anyway, the princes and the nobles 
started scratching their heads absent-mindedly, and picking their 
noses, probably in the hope of finding gold there. While they were 
probing their noble nostrils, the king realized he ought to boost 
Princess Pumpkin's market value. 

“He who kills the Minotaur shall gain the hand of Princess Pumpkin in
marriage, and a roasted pumpkin!” 

The guests went on scratching their heads, for none of them was overly
keen on pumpkins. 

The king found himself in a quandary. Despite all his efforts to find a
fiancé for his daughter, Princess Pumpkin was as lonely a bee as ever. 
Finding a drone had proved a hard task lately, for all drones were 
extremely busy. They were attending no less that half a dozen lectures 
on Marxism-Leninism daily. One of them had even embraced Stalinism and 
had attempted to install a dictatorship... “Princess Pumpkin and a 
pumpkinful of diamonds, rubies and emeralds,” the queen announced. 

After that memorable night at the royal sty, she had become markedly
more resourceful and sharp-witted. The king gave her the control over 
the Ministry of Finance and the Royal Reserve. The wise queen founded 
the Fist Trade Bank that later developed into the International 
Monetary Bank which granted loans to poorer kingdoms. If they failed to 
pay back, the Bank would send repo men with impressive midsections and 
impressive big clubs. They used their clubs to squeeze whatever they 
could from ordinary folk, and if someone failed to deliver, he was 
dispatched promptly by the Flying Dutchman express airmail service to 
Muka. Muka inhabitants were known for their attempts to build 
communism, but as they used sand as building material, their sand 
castles would collapse at the end of the day and they would start again 
the following morning... Hence the expression “Mukan sand castles”, 
meaning something short-lived... 

The Minotaur, who had never before seen such a crowd, was scared and
started weeping in a human voice. 

“Mummy, I want home,” he cried, looking at Queen Pate, but no one
actually guessed why. The noble guests thought the monster had wetted 
himself in fear, and needed to go to the royal bathroom. It was hunting 
time, though, and the poor Minotaur was refused even that minor earthly 
pleasure. The king, a secret admirer of the Marquis de Sade, kicked the 
Minotaur viciously, and his boot's high heel sank painfully in the 
beast's behind. The Minotaur gave an almost human scream and took to 
flight towards the forest. Before the stunned nobles had managed to 
mount their noble mares, the Minotaur disappeared in the thickness of 
the forest, never to be seen again. 

Suddenly, shouts were heard in front of the palace: 

“Don't torture the beast!” 

“Don't kill the Minotaur!” 

“Better naked than in furs!” 

These were the nobles' wives, chanting and jumping around. They were
naked except for the fishing nets wrapped around them. 

The nobles forgot about the hunt and dashed in pursuit of the beautiful
nymphs. The hunt was a complete failure, and the first ever movement of 
animal defenders had a smashing success. 

“He who kills the Minotaur shall win the hand of Princess Pumpkin in
marriage, and three pumpkinfuls of rubies and diamonds...,” Queen Pate 
screamed in a desperate attempt to save the hunt. 

“A-hem, and a kiss from Queen Pate,” King Tubby put in. 

“Three pumpkinfuls of gems and a kiss from the Queen's lips,” the jester
repeated, brandishing his sceptre. 

The jester and the king were as like as two peas. The king sometimes
played practical jokes on his nobles, they thought he was the jester 
and gave him a few good kicks in his royal behind. This is why the king 
was in the habit of padding his pants with a small cushion which acted 
as a shield when need be. 

The new offer stirred the nobles to action. Their eyes brightened up;
whether with passion or with greed, it was hard to tell. Queen Pate's 
lips had made her the winner of the prestigious Most Erotic Kiss 
pageant several years in succession. Her lucky husband was universally 
envied. Rumours went that the queen's lips were as soft as silk. Some 
said they were as sweet as honey; others, that they were as hot as 
flames; still others, that they had the flavour of wild mint and were 
as seductive as a nymph's...In reality, anyone who dared touch the 
queen's lips was promptly beheaded. Despite that, even many of the 
Olympian gods were secretly in love with Queen Pate. They had to be 
discreet about their feelings, however, because their wives the 
goddesses were extremely jealous and would fly into a rage at the news 
of such love affairs. Their eyes flashed lightnings no one could 
survive. The unfortunate womanizer was reduced to a smoking pile of 
ashes. After a few unfortunate gods had suffered that fate, the 
surviving fans of Queen Pate rushed to Hephaestus the god of fire and 
fell on their knees before him. 

“We beg you,” they pleaded with their eyes full of tears. “Make shields
for us, or we're history!” 

“What shall I get in return,” the god of forge asked. 

“Well,...” stammered the gods, unable to come up with a solution. 

Being gods, they had everything one could possibly have... everything
except the Hesperides' nine apples. 

“Make us shields and we'll get you an apple from the Hesperides'
garden!” 

“Deal,” the blacksmith god agreed and started hammering. 

The apples from the Hesperides' gardens had amazing magical powers. They
could transform the ugliest human or god into an exemplification of 
beauty, comparable only to Apollo. The god of fire had goat's legs, a 
hump and a horned head, and was invariably the other Olympians' object 
of ridicule. No goddess, no river-dwelling nymph, no mermaid in the 
sea, no fairy would yield to the goatish god's advances. Thus, when he 
was badly in need of a lay, he had to go down to earth and seek the 
services of harlots. A fine piece of jewellery would get him the 
desired female attention. This is actually how the first brothels were 
created. The god of fire was by that time fed up with paid love and 
dreamed of having a home and a family. His ugliness, however, was a 
major obstacle... 

Queen Pate's admirers left Hephaestus busy with the forging of the
shields, and headed for the Hesperides' gardens. They were guarded by 
the three-headed dragon Cerberus. One of the monster's heads was always 
awake while the other two were asleep. 

“How can we get in,” the gods wondered, plucking their hair in
desperation. 

“I know how,” one of them exclaimed. “Eros the gods' messenger will help
us!” 

The naughty young god's arrows had unusual powers. Those hit by them
fell immediately and desperately in love. The object of their feelings 
might be ugly, disgusting, with a foul breath, lame, one-eyed, 
hunchbacked, crippled or imbecile, but through the eyes of love he or 
she looked beautiful, with a breath of mint, a voice like the spring 
breeze, the body of Apollo and the wisdom of Athena. Anyway, after 
searching for a while, the gods finally found the mischievous archer 
and sighed with relief. 

“Our sweetest, dearest friend,” they began, falling on their knees
before him. 

“Okay, okay,” the boy frowned. “How come that everyone asks for my
services? Did anyone ever ask if I wanted anything?” 

He raised his bow and shot an arrow into Cerberus' heart. It flared with
love. The first creature Cerberus saw a moment later was a mare grazing 
idly by the Hesperides' gardens. In the eyes of the love-filled 
Cerberus, she looked like a magnificent dragon with scarlet scales and 
peacock-blue eyes. 

“There goes the horsefly,” laughed Eros and opened a small box. “Now
watch!” 

Eros was a mischievous fellow who enjoyed playing practical jokes on
gods and mortals alike. 

The mare gave a loud neigh and galloped off, the amorous three-headed
Cerberus in her wake. 

“Have no fear my love,” the dragon guard cried out passionately and
spread his enormous wings. “I won't hurt you! How could I ever hurt my 
sweet beloved with the bluest eyes!” 

Indeed, to him she was the most beautiful creature there ever was, the
most fragrant flower in all nature. Never for an instant did he realize 
that his sweetheart was a shortsighted, lame old mare with few teeth 
left. By the way, this is the origin of the phrase “love is blind”. 

While the amorous dragon was trying to catch his sweetheart, the gods
who were in love with Queen Pate sneaked into the garden and stole a 
few apples. 

When they went back to Hephaestus, their shields were ready and waiting
for them. The gods gave Hephaestus an apple and he ate it right away. 
Ugly as he was, not even the magic apple could make him as handsome as 
Apollo, but at least it attenuated his ugliness and turned one of his 
goat's legs into a shapely human leg. 

“What can I do about the other ugly hoof,” Hephaestus asked himself. He
arrived at a solution quickly: he hid his ugly leg in the folds of a 
magnificent toga. He scrutinized his reflection in the mirror surface 
of a shield and, evidently satisfied, rushed out of his smithy and down 
to earth. 

He spent a week spying on a mermaid who was swimming by the Isle of
Bliss. His heart was overflowing with love. He finally appeared on the 
shore, covered by his toga, only his shapely leg exposed. 

“Sweet Violet of the Seas, 

My fair lady, 

Come to the shore, 

To your sweetheart's call,” he sang. 

His stance was later adopted by the priestesses of love. 

Inexperienced readers, if you ever encounter a butterfly of the night
with one of her thighs exposed, do not rush for her. You should first 
check in the folds of her skirt whether her other leg is not a goat's 
leg! 

The mermaid responded to Hephaestus' love call and came to the surface. 

“What are you hiding there,” she asked, for she was an exceptionally
curious mermaid, and before the god could stop her, she pulled off his 
toga. 

“Oh no!” Hephaestus cried desperately and limped away. His toga fell
off, revealing his hairy goat's leg. 

“You hairy goat!” the mermaid laughed. “Baa-baa!” 

She laughed and laughed and couldn't stop until her fish's tail split in
the middle. She screamed and rushed to the bottom of the sea where her 
father Neptune, the god of the sea, lived in a huge coral palace. He 
stitched the mermaid's split tail with two crabs and she was again able 
to swim. 

“Where is the chief security officer,” Neptune shouted angrily. 

“Here I am, Master,” a jellyfish replied. 

“Where have you been you scoundrel,” the god of the sea roared. “What
did I want you to do? You had a single job: the princesses' safety! How 
did you do your job? You left Princess Violet alone in the face of 
danger and see what happened! Death is what you deserve! Executioners!” 


The sharks came up. 

“You know your job.” 

“You,” the king then addressed an elderly octopus, “as of today, you are
appointed as chief security officer in charge of my daughters' safety. 
Remember what happened to your predecessor in this post and watch out, 
or you may come to the same end!” 

“I will guard the princesses like my own tentacles,” the octopus
promised. 

“You'd better do that,” Neptune frowned. “You'd better do that!” 

Back to our gods, they were trying to sneak out of the Olympus but their
wives were on the alert. The flame of revenge flared in their eyes, and 
as soon as the first god had slipped out of the giant copper gates, a 
lightning hit him in the back. The adulterous husband was reduced to a 
pile of ashes. 

Terrified, the gods rushed back to Hephaestus' smithy. They found him
angry and frustrated. 

“I want another apple,” he demanded. “With this leg,” and Hephaestus
uncovered his ugly goat's hoof, “I'll be a laughingstock for all 
creatures of the sea!” 

“Make us second shields to cover our backs and we'll give you another
apple,” the gods promised. 

Hephaestus rolled up his sleeves and grabbed the bellows. An hour later
the gods had the much desired shields, and the smith acquired another 
apple. Hephaestus ate it quickly and waited eagerly for the result. 
Indeed, his ugly goat's leg was replaced by a well-shaped one. 
Hephaestus now boasted perfect thighs that could make even the goddess 
of love Aphrodite green with envy. His only drawbacks left were his 
hunch and his horns. He covered his upper body with his robe, and 
headed for the shore where the mermaids were swimming. 

“Star of the Sea, 

My fair lady, 

Respond to my call, 

Come to the shore,” he sang passionately, swaying his shapely hips. 

Immediately, a curious mermaid came to the surface and swam up to him to
take a better look. She was amazed by his graceful legs: herself, she 
had an ugly fish tail, and only in her dreams did she have such legs! 
She swam to the shore and they started kissing, Hephaestus melting like 
wax at the mermaid's passionate embraces, but she suddenly discovered 
his hunch. 

“Hunchback! I thought I was kissing an Apollo but I was kissing a
dromedaire instead,” she laughed, and laughed, and laughed until her 
tail split right in the middle. 

Frustrated, Hephaestus limped back to his smithy, while the mermaid
rushed to her gather Neptune's coral palace. The king of the sea 
wondered why his daughter Star of the Sea had come back with her tail 
split just a couple of hours after the same had happened to her sister, 
Violet of the Sea. He promptly stapled her tail with three crabs and 
called the chief security officer in charge of the princess' safety. 
The unfortunate octopus was handed over to the executioner sharks. 

“You good-for-nothing,” Neptune thundered. “I entrusted to you my most
beautiful flower, and what did you do? Executioners, you know your 
job!” 

“Master, have mercy on me,” the octopus begged but it was too late. 

“You,” turned Neptune to an old turtle, “As of today you are in charge
of the princesses' security. Stay on the alert! If a hair falls off 
their heads, I'll rip your shell off and throw you into boiling water. 
Is that clear?” 

Meanwhile, the gods who were amorous of Queen Pate were trying to sneak
to the palace of King Tubby. Unfortunately, their wives were on watch 
and saw them file out of the copper gates. However, the gods were 
equipped with two shields each: one in front, one behind, and the 
furious goddesses could not hurt them. They showered lightning on the 
gods but could not penetrate Hephaestus' magic shields and hurt them. 

“Aim for the heels,” a nightingale chirped. “Aim for the heels!” 

The gods' heels were naked and vulnerable, not protected by the shields.
Diana immediately sent a lightning that hit the treacherous Achilles in 
the heel. Achilles screamed and collapsed, his shield fell. The 
goddesses were quick to act, they hit him with a few lightnings and 
turned him into ashes. Hence the expression “Achilles' heel”. The 
surviving gods screamed in terror and rushed back to the smithy. 

Curled up by the bellows, Hephaestus was weeping bitter tears. 

“Those... mer-maids... they... don't... like me,” he wept. “They hate my
hunch! Oh please give me another apple! I'll do anything in the world 
for you!” 

“You'll have it, but first make us something to cover our bare feet!” 

“That's not easy,” Hephaestus frowned. “It'll take three hours but if
one of you is ready to help with the bellows we can manage faster.” 

“What should I do then,” he wondered. Before long, he sank into deep
meditation. In his youth, he had spent a few years with the billy goats 
in Tibet and had learned the art of meditation. 

“So when do we start,” one of the gods nudged him. “You've been sitting
like this for two hours!” 

“Leave him alone,” said Ares. “I also do that meditation thing before a
wrestling bout.” 

Ares had won no less than five medals in the Greek Olympic Games and had
retired without a single loss. No man could ever defeat him in 
wrestling... 

“Got it!” Hephaestus opened his eyes. “I'll make you metal shoes.” 

“What's this thing shoes,” Ares asked. He was not too familiar with
fashion and did not know the meaning of words such as “miniskirt,” 
“bra” or “bikini”. 

“Shoes are a bit like sandals,” Hephaestus explained. “Only they are not
open at the back, and cover the entire foot.” 

“Oh I see,” said Ares and pressed the bellows. The fire blazed. 

Two hours later, each of the gods was equipped with a pair of metal
shoes. 

“I've got blisters on my hands,” Apollo complained, waving his soft
hands. 

“But you do want to kiss Queen Pate's luscious lips, don't you,” Ares
laughed. “No pain, no gain!” 

Anyway, Hephaestus also did a few more improvements, tied the two
shields together and made some metal gloves for the gods' hands. He 
also made protective plates for their legs. The god of forge then 
stepped back and admired his work. 

“Now give me that apple,” he claimed. 

The amorous gods put on their new armour and rushed to the copper gates
of the Olympus, while Hephaestus ate the third apple. 

A miracle then happened! His hunch began to shrink, his posture
improved. Minutes before he had been stooping like an old man, and now 
he was as slender as a pine tree! His body was perfect; if it were not 
for his pointed horns, he would probably be more handsome than Apollo. 
The god of forge wound a turban around his head (this is actually how 
the first turban was invented: its purpose was to hide Hephaestus' 
horns), and headed for the shore. The Blessed Mermaid Isle was the 
favourite swimming place of Neptune's young daughters, and he was 
hoping to meet one of them...” 

Ivan suddenly fell silent. 

“Five minutes break,” he said. “I'm tired of talking.” 

Dan sighed and waited patiently for his friend to go on with the
story... 


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