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Don’t Really Own No Elves (standard:humor, 1991 words)
Author: Reid LaurenceAdded: Mar 28 2007Views/Reads: 2172/1359Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Just what kind of government research goes on while we're busy doing that 9 to 5? Is it a good thing, or bad? A help, or a hindrance? Read on and find out...

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story


“She's rocket powered. Gets from here ta Chiny in twenty minutes. From
here ta Canola, Irune in under ten. That fast enough fer ya?” 

“Gosh, that means it must be traveling at about... twelve thousand miles
per hour! That's incredible.” 

“You know it Bub.” 

“Can I see it fly?” 

“Course ya can. That's why ya come out here, ain't it?” 

“Yes, I suppose,” I replied, not wanting to appear impudent, or

“Well alrighty then, ah'll fire it up fer ya,” and without warning, the
lanky Lieutenant swiftly kicked the beautiful, sleek war machine deftly 
in the middle of its fuselage, causing an immediate display of flashing 
lights and blinking gizmos... enough to make any self-respecting 
computer geek insanely envious. 

“Forgive me,” I started to say. “But isn't there a switch on the thing
or some other typically simple way to start it up other then knocking 
it senseless?” 

“Nope, ain't no switch. Ya see, if this here ever falls inta the wrong
hands, the army knows they ain't no way the enemy kin even figure how 
ta turn it on... hell, who'd be dumb enough ta spend twenty million 
dollars on a new weapon an then kick the shit outta it? That there's 
reverse psychology, ya see? The enemy'll never figure it out.” “I see,” 
I replied, without fully realizing the depth and impact of what had 
just occurred. “So, can I see it fly?” 

“Tell ya what,” remarked my respected new acquaintance. “Ah'll go one
better. How wouldya like ta see ‘er in actual combat? Is that a hoot'n 
a hollar ‘er what?” 

“Oh, yes sir. That'd be terrific.” 

“You bet. Ah'll give ya somethin' ta write home ‘bout. Jus gimme a
second here,” remarked my well disciplined, army escort. But as he 
turned away and walked to a desk in the corner of the drab, concrete 
finished room, I couldn't help but wonder what was going on. Then, as 
he pulled something from a Rolodex on the desk, I was soon able to 
determine the reason for his action. “This here's a picture a Osama 
Bingcrosby BobaHopa, the well known Al Krappa terrorist. Naw, all ah 
gotta do is put this here in the little slot there,” he explained, 
positioning the photo in a small, unassuming port at the side of the 
Predator Carrera 911, “an ah'll jus show ya what this varmint ‘ll do,” 
he explained. 

“Alrighty then you metal monster, listen up!” And as my guide spoke, the
new Predator drone seemed to respond with yet another, even more 
impressive array of flashing lights and blinking switches, like the 
kind of machine which may only exist in the imagination, and so 
definitely beyond the scope of human comprehension and experience. “Ah 
gave ya the photo, naw git! You got half an hour ta kill that bastard 
or ah'm gonna personally see you get decommissioned inta tuna cans, you 
read me!?” 

But all that could be determined from the drone - if in fact any
comprehensible answer could be determined - were several more blinking 
lights and the sound of a well tuned Chevy 350 V8 engine turning over. 

“I don't get it,” I said. “You just talk to it? How is that possible?
And why in the world does it sound like an old Chevy Camero starting 

“Course ah talk to it. That dad gum bastard knows more ‘en me an you put
tagether. Don't need no more programm'in. But the engine noise, that 
was sheeer genius don'tcha think? Engineer'in threw that in at the last 
minute they say. Suppose ta remind us all a home sweet home, ya get 

“I guess so. But if this thing is so efficient,” I replied, as the
modern drone taxied down the special runway and took to the air. “Then 
why are we still at war?” 

“Ah dunno, Can't stop naw ah reckon. Not while we're havin' so much fun.
Anyways, what in tarnation does the army do when they ain't no war ta 
fight? Nuthin', that's what. So where ya want yer tax dollars ta go 
anyway? Ta some lazy ass army that ain't got nuthin' ta do, or one 
that's got their hands full? Ah don't have'ta answer fer ya, do ah?” 

“No,” I responded. “I see the light now.” 

“Good, so whaddaya wanna do while that tin can killers' out do'in the
job on old Osama what's his name? Wanna play horseshoes er darts?” 

“Gosh,” I said. “I get a choice? How about horseshoes?” 

“Yer on,” replied my skilled companion. But we were barely into the game
when the Predator showed up on its return trip, landing gently in the 
exact same spot it had taken off from. 

“So,” remarked the Lieutenant, speaking to the drone in a most stern
tone of voice. “Ya done what I told ya to, er what? Show me some 
proof.” And before either of us had time to look away or think, the 
Predator had expelled two photos from the very same slot on its side in 
which the Lieutenant had used to issue its target. One after the other, 
they simply popped out and fell to the tarmac of the runway. Picking 
them up from the ground, Officer Figbee began to explain... “This 
here's a before picture,” he noted, which appeared to be nothing more 
then the rock strewn side of a very plain looking, desert mountain. “An 
this here's the after,” he said, showing me a photo of such carnage and 
chaos that I tossed the horseshoe I was holding down to the ground to 
get a better look. “Hard to believe,” I commented. “But how do we know 
which one was Osama BobaHopa? It looks like the Predator wiped out a 
whole nest of the enemy. Who's who?” 

“Ah'd know that sombitch anywhere's,” offered the Air Force guide. “Look
here naw. See this?” 

“What?” I answered, more perplexed than ever over the odd relationship
shared by this rare machine and its master. 

“I swear boy, you as blind as a bat. Hey,” remarked the Lieutenant to
his space age alter ego. “Gimme a close up shot a that scum bag Osama, 
an make it snappy.” And as I watched, the remarkable Predator Carrera 
911 issued a new photo from the small slot in its side, not unlike any 
other well disciplined soldier following commands. “There ya be,” 
maintained Officer Figbee. “That's his head towel lay'in on the 
ground... size thirteen. See the number inside?” asked my guide. “Ain't 
no other got a head that big. He's the one. Fer sure, that's him.” 

“Wow, cool,” I said, amazed and awe struck at the precision with which
the entire plan had been executed. “And you say we're fighting now just 
because we're on a roll and can't seem to stop?” 

“Yep, that an one other thing.” 

“Really?” I asked. “What else could be responsible for the continuing
conflict we've been arguing over for years now. Why don't at least some 
of our soldiers come home since it looks as if the Predator has pretty 
much wrapped things up on its own. What do you think the problem is?” 

“Well,” began the outspoken officer. “Naw, don't quote me on this, cause
ah could get in trouble fer lettin' secrets out what ain't suppose ta 
be let out, but jus betwixt you an me, the real reason is...the army 
likes ta use the word; DRONE, fer a acronym, but they Kain't figure out 
what them letters stand fer, no whatta mean?” “No way,” I replied. 
“You're kidding.” 

“Yep, way,” answered Officer Figbee. 

“Well,” I began, clearing my throat as I spoke, unable to contain myself
at the thought of finally arriving at some conclusive reason for the 
war's continuation. “Is there at least a list of words in the making? 
Something they've been using in the meantime that you could let me in 
on? You know, just between you and me. I promise not to tell the public 
if you don't want me to.” 

“Awlright. Ah guess ah could let'cha know if ya promise then. Ah'll jus
whisper it cause ya never know who might be listen'in.” And in a voice 
barely audible - so quiet in fact that I was forced to read the 
Officer's lips in conjunction with what he was saying - this is what he 
said... “Don't Really Own No Elves.” 

“And that's why we're still at war? Just because the words to describe
the acronym don't make sense?” I questioned. 

“Yep, you got it. Anyways, may as well finish our horseshoe game. Ya
remember who's turn it was?”


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