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Cassie Calhoun (standard:humor, 1707 words)
Author: LindaAdded: Mar 15 2002Views/Reads: 3097/2141Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A parody of all the bad novels we've read and wondered WHY they were ever published. It's dedicated to those authors who write 'purple prose,' and never bother to check their facts. Enjoy.

I wrote this as a parody of all the bad novels we've read ... and
wondered WHY they were ever published. It's also dedicated to all those 
authors who use adjectives and adverbs indiscriminately, write 'purple 
prose,' and never bother to check their facts to see if an invention, 
phrase or 'pop' word even existed in the context of 'their 
masterpiece.' Enjoy, and I hope you at least chuckle a bit. 

Cassie Calhoun 

Cassie Calhoun knelt in the dusty prairie, gazing pensively into the
distance toward the rutted trail nearly hidden by weeds and native 
prairie grass. Tears pooled in the corners of her flashing pansy-purple 
eyes. Even in the midst of her distress, the buxom, wasp-waisted blonde 
was desperately aware of her ruggedly masculine companion, Luke 

Cassie thought frantically to herself, "My mama told me I shouldn't have
done it. Why, oh why, didn't I listen? If I had paid attention to her, 
I wouldn't be here now. Poor Cassie was in dire financial straits, and 
Luke was the only thing that kept her from having to sell her 
voluptuous body just to eat. 

Her fingers opened and closed spasmodically on the horse-whip she
clutched in her leather-gloved hands. She tried desperately to 
visualize the trail meandering along the east Texas border and her 
buxom bosom heaved with the effort of drawing breath. 

Again, she silently moaned to herself, "Why didn't I listen when my mama
told me I couldn't play golf with a horse-whip? She told me over and 
over that the handle was too short and I couldn't control where the 
ball went. Oh, if only I had the money for a set of proper clubs. 
That's all I ask from this life. Is that too much?" Poor Cassie! 

Luke stood behind Cassie with entirely different thoughts racing through
his head. He knew what Cassie didn't ... the "golf ball" she had just 
sent sailing into the distance was an uncut diamond worth gazillions! 
Her uncle, Cassius Calhoun, had found the fabulous gem, and nearly lost 
his life in the process. He was one of only a handful who braved the 
wilds surrounding the mysterious Lake Sharkinpool and lived to tell 
about it. 

Poor Luke was torn ... "How can I tell Cassie that she used her silly
horse-whip golf club to clobber a magnificent diamond?" She thought she 
was playing with only an old stone she'd found in his saddlebag. 

Luke had guarded that saddlebag far too long to let that diamond get
away now. He cursed Cassie's mama for not giving Cassie the money for a 
proper golf set. They wouldn't be in this predicament if she had! 

Earlier, unknown to Cassie and Luke, a stagecoach had been rocketing
along the dusty treacherous trail nearby. Suddenly there was a terrible 
thud! "Good God awmighty," yelled Tommy Terhune as he was thrown from 
his perch high atop the rickety stage. Stunned, he lay in the dirt 
while he wondered what had hit him. 

Groggily he pushed himself up and grabbed his rifle. The air was still
... too still, he thought. Visions of wild, blood spattered Indians 
crossed his mind. "Lucky I don't have passengers," he thought to 
himself. He pulled his hat down and waited for something to happen. 

Slowly he paced around his stage, always keeping his back to the poor
shelter the rickety wood provided. If this would be his day to die, he 
hoped it wouldn't be by an arrow in his back! Suddenly his heel turned 
as he stepped on a hard, round object. Warily he leaned over and picked 
it up. 

Coincidentally, Tommy, too, was one of the small handful of men who had
survived shark-infested Lake Sharkinapool, and he was able to recognize 
a diamond when he saw it. "Egad," he thought. "Who's throwing diamonds 
at me? This one must be worth at least a hundred gazillion dollars." 

The day was still silent ... no birds sang, no breeze blew, no crickets
chirped, no horses snorted, and no Indians whooped. Tommy was nervous, 
but he bravely put the diamond under his hat, climbed back into his 
rickety stagecoach and took off. The diamond was his! 

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