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Office Roulette (standard:Flash, 1253 words)
Author: discopantsAdded: Jun 13 2005Views/Reads: 3221/2126Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
It's time to deal with those irritating colleagues. Warning-don't try this at work!

There are six sales executives seated around a table in the conference
room, all waiting for the regional head to arrive and pass on his 
personal gratitude. These six were all given large bonuses for the 
sales they've generated over the last year. I'm not the bitter type but 
this lot are the most undeserving bunch I've ever come across and, 
anyway, I happen to know that my sales figures were higher than three 
of the group, maybe higher than all of them. The difference is that I 
don't sit there reading the company newsletter and laughing 
pathetically at the Managing Director's jokes. So who are the Sales 
Executive Six? 

Tim: he's a well-meaning bloke but if he ever set out on a mass
murdering spree his tactic would be to try to bore people to death. A 
ten second message can turn into a two hour epic, normally centred 
around the bridge match he had the night before. It doesn't even matter 
if you don't like the game, or if, like me, you don't even have a clue 
what it's all about. 

Jane: again, there's not an ill-bearing bone in her body but she's just
obsessed with cats. She's got five of them, all of them named after 
Greek goddesses; I can handle that but I begin to worry when she rings 
home so that she can leave messages for them. She has birthday parties 
for them and I swear that the story about her trying to smuggle one 
onto the plane to accompany her on holiday to Spain is true. (I 
circulated this story myself with no evidence to back it up but I've 
just got a feeling that it must have happened at some time.) 

Tony: as charming as they come most of the time but his whole manner
changes when something goes wrong. And it doesn't have to be something 
important that goes wrong. It could just be that there's no soap left 
in the dispenser in the toilets and he'll be off on one. He was a 
security guard working night shifts in his last job; they used to have 
a draw each night to allow two out of the four to get a couple of 
hours' sleep. Tony lost one night and accused the bloke of fixing the 
draw; he decked him and got sacked. It could only be this company that 
would take him on. 

David: the first thing he'll tell you when you meet him is that he's
Welsh. I've got a few Welsh friends and I'm all for maintaining your 
identity but he takes it way too far. I'll give you an example- his 
daughter had been going out with this guy for years and marriage was on 
the cards. One night, the boyfriend turns up at David's house and asks 
for permission to ask for David's daughter's hand in marriage. David 
tells him to come back when he can recite three Dylan Thomas poems then 
he'll consider it. 

Norman: he really is a thoroughly unpleasant individual. He's definitely
sexist and probably racist and that's enough to make me despise him. 
Even if you got past that, you'd have to put up with his constant 
complaining that he's under pressure and never has time to do anything. 
He'll have a heart attack one day...well, here's hoping. 

Richard: this man is the stuff of legends. He's so much up his own arse
that's it's unbelievable. He has to have the latest BMW with all the 
latest trimmings and is always dressed in an Italian suit with the 
label on the sleeve so that you know how much it cost. I could tell you 
a hundred stories about him; one of my favourites, though, is the time 
when he was shopping in a DIY store. He was wearing a jumper that was 
the same colour as those worn by the store's assistants. An old lady 
approached Richard and, having mistaken him for an assistant, asked him 
where she could find the wallpaper section. His reply was typical 
Richard: “My dear lady, this sweater is cashmere.” 

I don't think it's a coincidence that five of the six are men- certainly
not from the point of view that they were the ones chosen to receive 
bonuses and probably not from the point of view that I think they 
deserve to suffer. The regional manager has arrived and is ushered 
towards the conference room. I announce that I'm off for a cigarette 
break (not strictly permitted but nobody's dared to stop me so far) and 
then disappear from the office. I descend the flight of stairs and exit 
the building. I go to my car and remove a gun from the glove 

I leave the car park and head back to the office. I smile to myself at
the thought that the company's senior management had been talking for 

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