|WHEN THE GODS WERE WALKING THE EARTH, part 1 (standard:humor, 3931 words)|
|Author: Art by Assiliym||Added: Oct 30 2006||Views/Reads: 2790/1940||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|Kind of twisted version of old Greek comedy|
WHEN THE GODS WERE WALKING THE EARTH, part 1 By Siromah “Many, many years ago, when the gods felt bored at the Olympus, they descended to Earth to spend some time hunting or having love affairs. One day, a son was born to the king of a mighty kingdom. The king was so happy that he decided to hold nation-wide celebrations. For the ordinary peasants, long wooden tables were set in the park by the palace. The gods, the kings and the nobles were invited to a feast in the throne-hall. Dozens of jugglers, dancers, fire-eaters and jesters were invited to entertain the noble guests. They started arriving from near and far: the kings of the neighbouring kingdoms with their retinues, noble knights with their pages, rich merchants from faraway countries, soldiers, adventurers and ordinary folk. To the king's amazement, even decrepit deaf dotards would mount their donkeys, lash them with their whips, stripping off enough hide for nine pairs of sandals, and head for the party. While the rabble were struggling to swallow the stale dark bread and the stringy meat, washing them down with the sour red wine, in the palace the kings and their noble attendants (strangely enough, the gods had not yet arrived, though usually they were the first to show up) were treated to a lavish dinner: steaming, fragrant bread, roasted piglets – no older than three months, with red apples stuck into their mouths, their tender meat melting on the palate, partridges stewed with mushrooms and quail eggs, freshly salted bonitoes, smoked herrings, spicy frog legs in salsa served with diced potatoes, delicious lamb brains, and even rarities such as caviar...” “Listen,” Dan put in, swallowing hard, “cut this part short, will you? You're killing me. Just go on with the story, okay?” “Okay then,” sighed Ivan, raising his spectacles. “So, anything you can think of, it was served at that abundant banquet. While the noble guests were feasting, skillful jugglers displayed their sleight of hand. The feasters gasped when the king's brother turned into a hog and came out of the huge garbage can in the corner.” “Next came voluptuous, lissome dancers in transparent veils. Those whose heads were not yet spinning from the wine went giddy with their graceful dances. A group of fire eaters appeared next. They were so hungry they even ate the flames of the torches illuminating the throne hall. When the dessert was served, a gang of jesters started throwing cakes at each other. It was the first cake battle in world history, later institutionalized by Hollywood. When all feasters were stuffed with food, soaked with wine and smeared all over with icing, the king called a halt and collapsed under the table. His crown rolled down the thick carpet all the way to the opposite wall. A doltish servant thought it was a wheel and placed a tray on it. He rolled the tray up and down the table and the dirty dishes were piled onto it. That was the invention of the first rolling tray in history. The technology was borrowed 2000 years later by an unscrupulous American inventor who patented the conveyor belt. In fact, the conveyor belt had been invented in ancient times as a dirty dish transporting device. Anyway... Three days passed in eating, drinking and rushing to the Royal Evacuatory (a bucket of water with some soap of the Little Orange Riding Hood brand). Some of the guests complained and insisted that the finer brand Snow-White & the Eight Dwarfs be supplied. A real dwarf was supplied instead: the royal jester who was small and humpbacked; he boasted not one but two hunches. Some of the guests argued that dwarfs were not supposed to have hunches but the jester's ones were removable anyway. When he had been sent on a specialization to the dwarfs' house (learning how to polish diamonds on the job and pawing Snow-White in his spare time), he had equipped himself for a hunched image, should Snow-White's friends turn out to be hunchbacks. Double-hunch dwarfs were as rare as nine-headed dragons. Of course, the jester also had the option to throw off the hunches and join the dwarf socialist movement. Click here to read the rest of this story (421 more lines)
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