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WHEN THE GODS WERE WALKING THE EARTH, part 1 (standard:humor, 3931 words)
Author: Art by Assiliym Added: Oct 30 2006Views/Reads: 2790/1940Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Kind of twisted version of old Greek comedy


By Siromah 

“Many, many years ago, when the gods felt bored at the Olympus, they
descended to Earth to spend some time hunting or having love affairs. 

One day, a son was born to the king of a mighty kingdom. The king was so
happy that he decided to hold nation-wide celebrations. For the 
ordinary peasants, long wooden tables were set in the park by the 
palace. The gods, the kings and the nobles were invited to a feast in 
the throne-hall. Dozens of jugglers, dancers, fire-eaters and jesters 
were invited to entertain the noble guests. They started arriving from 
near and far: the kings of the neighbouring kingdoms with their 
retinues, noble knights with their pages, rich merchants from faraway 
countries, soldiers, adventurers and ordinary folk. To the king's 
amazement, even decrepit deaf dotards would mount their donkeys, lash 
them with their whips, stripping off enough hide for nine pairs of 
sandals, and head for the party. While the rabble were struggling to 
swallow the stale dark bread and the stringy meat, washing them down 
with the sour red wine, in the palace the kings and their noble 
attendants (strangely enough, the gods had not yet arrived, though 
usually they were the first to show up) were treated to a lavish 
dinner: steaming, fragrant bread, roasted piglets – no older than three 
months, with red apples stuck into their mouths, their tender meat 
melting on the palate, partridges stewed with mushrooms and quail eggs, 
freshly salted bonitoes, smoked herrings, spicy frog legs in salsa 
served with diced potatoes, delicious lamb brains, and even rarities 
such as caviar...” 

“Listen,” Dan put in, swallowing hard, “cut this part short, will you?
You're killing me. Just go on with the story, okay?” 

“Okay then,” sighed Ivan, raising his spectacles. “So, anything you can
think of, it was served at that abundant banquet. While the noble 
guests were feasting, skillful jugglers displayed their sleight of 
hand. The feasters gasped when the king's brother turned into a hog and 
came out of the huge garbage can in the corner.” 

“Next came voluptuous, lissome dancers in transparent veils. Those whose
heads were not yet spinning from the wine went giddy with their 
graceful dances. 

A group of fire eaters appeared next. They were so hungry they even ate
the flames of the torches illuminating the throne hall. 

When the dessert was served, a gang of jesters started throwing cakes at
each other. It was the first cake battle in world history, later 
institutionalized by Hollywood. 

When all feasters were stuffed with food, soaked with wine and smeared
all over with icing, the king called a halt and collapsed under the 
table. His crown rolled down the thick carpet all the way to the 
opposite wall. A doltish servant thought it was a wheel and placed a 
tray on it. He rolled the tray up and down the table and the dirty 
dishes were piled onto it. That was the invention of the first rolling 
tray in history. The technology was borrowed 2000 years later by an 
unscrupulous American inventor who patented the conveyor belt. 

In fact, the conveyor belt had been invented in ancient times as a dirty
dish transporting device. Anyway... 

Three days passed in eating, drinking and rushing to the Royal
Evacuatory (a bucket of water with some soap of the Little Orange 
Riding Hood brand). Some of the guests complained and insisted that the 
finer brand Snow-White & the Eight Dwarfs be supplied. A real dwarf was 
supplied instead: the royal jester who was small and humpbacked; he 
boasted not one but two hunches. Some of the guests argued that dwarfs 
were not supposed to have hunches but the jester's ones were removable 
anyway. When he had been sent on a specialization to the dwarfs' house 
(learning how to polish diamonds on the job and pawing Snow-White in 
his spare time), he had equipped himself for a hunched image, should 
Snow-White's friends turn out to be hunchbacks. Double-hunch dwarfs 
were as rare as nine-headed dragons. Of course, the jester also had the 
option to throw off the hunches and join the dwarf socialist movement. 

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