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In Loving Memory (standard:drama, 805 words)
Author: DSAdded: Mar 19 2001Views/Reads: 3522/9Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
This is in loving memory to my Mom, who passed away recently.


Anger is coursing through my body as I write this.  It's been two and
one-half weeks, but it is fresh as the day it happened.  At first, I 
was naturally devastated, as anyone would be.  The following week I 
used the life lessons I have picked up over time to cope with it.  It 
has been that way since then.  For some reason now I feel stress and 
anger.  I know anger is a natural part of grieving and of healing.  But 
why is it manifesting itself now?  There could be any number of reasons 

The wedding is five weeks away.  She wanted to be there so badly. 
Besides our family and my Dad, it was what she lived for.  To finally 
see one of her three children walk down the aisle and begin the 
celebration and unity of marriage that she and my Father had 
experienced for fifty-one years. 

Hearing my Dad choke back tears as he talks on the phone, sitting alone
in the house.  He expects her to walk in at any moment.  Seeing the 
image of him, fighting through an outburst of pain, pushing the shovel 
into the dirt, lifting it, and pouring it into the grave on top of her 
casket as tradition dictates.  Not being able to pick up the phone and 
talk to her.  Simple anger for having her taken from us, appeased only 
by the knowledge that she is no longer in pain.   It's not much of a 
trade-off though.   Not being able to tell her one last time that I 
love her.  She knew it of course, but it doesn't change how I feel. 

On March 2nd, my Mom lost a battle she had fought for over a decade. 
The vicious brain tumor had invaded her three times.  Her sword of 
courage and determination fended off three major surgeries, laser 
surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, and experimental treatments.  She 
fought her way out of a coma, got through a heart attack and two 
ensuing angioplasties, and a minor stroke that was thrown in for good 
measure.  Was she being tested to see how much she could take? 

Each time she would bounce back, a little worse for wear, but still
smiling, still doing her crossword puzzles, her amazing art work, which 
hangs throughout the house and is a bittersweet reminder of her, and 
being Mom. 

Looking at pictures, it is hard to imagine the transformation from the
young woman of amazing beauty to one who, despite the struggle still, 
remained beautiful.   After her third surgery in nineteen-ninety eight, 
she was never quite the same.  The cumulative effect of everything she 
had gone through and the surgery itself took its toll.  She struggled 
with focus and concentration, especially in the last year, but she was 
still the loving, devoted wife and mother, and looking forward to being 
a mother in-law.  She loved the woman, my future wife, that is to be 
the new addition to the family.  I am thankful she was able to get to 
know her, even if it was only over a  three week period. 

We buried my Mother on March 7th, five days after her heart could take
no more.  She was at peace, no longer suffering.   For those left 
behind though, we know no peace, we suffer daily.  It may be tears, it 
may be anger, it may be the stressful knot in one's stomach, it may be 
all of the wonderful memories.  The sky cried snow for days, delaying 
the funeral, until the sun shone brightly.  It's as if it were a way of 
letting everyone lean on each other in preparation for the inevitable. 

I feel sorry for those children who do not have relationships with their
parents.  We jokingly used to say were the most functional family we 
knew.  We looked forward to seeing our parents.  The fact that they 
were in a warm, southwestern climate was just icing on the cake.  If 
not for the incredible closeness of family and friends, I don't now how 
I would have survived this time.  But I will.  For the Mother I lost in 
body, is still with me in spirit.  Placed in my heart and mind.  Her 
courage, more than any soldier could possibly muster, was, and is, a 
great inspiration to me.  It reminds that there are many things in life 
that are petty and meaningless in comparison to one's outlook on life. 

I love you and miss you Mom.  You gave me life, not only at birth, but
with your words and actions.  Say hi Grandpa and Grandma and pet Cindy 
for me.  When I walk down the aisle on April 22nd, I know you will be 
right beside Dad and I.  God bless you.  Try not to supervise him too 
much.  At last a smile has returned. 


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