Memories and Regrets (Part 4) (standard:non fiction, 2583 words) [4/5] show all parts
Author: Maya	Added: Apr 22 2001	Views/Reads: 2452/1938	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
This is the next part of the continuing story of me.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

could find to talk about was school days.  It was the only thing we 
really had in common.  The conversation never really lapsed for very 
long.  Thank goodness.  After dinner, we went to a Stephen King movie.  
I can’t remember the name of it, but let’s face it Stephen King’s books 
are great.  His movies aren’t.  It was a nice evening.  I enjoyed 
myself very much. 

When we got back to my house he opened the car door for me, and I
started walking to my door.  I was talking all this time.  Thanking him 
for a nice evening, telling him I had a good time, the usual.  When I 
got to my door I turned around expecting him to be right behind me.  He 
wasn’t.  He was standing at the drivers side door of his car.  “Oh,” I 
thought to myself. “Okay, I guess he doesn’t want to come in.”  This 
didn’t hurt my feelings, too much.  I knew he was as shy as I was.  We 
just said good bye and that we’d call each other.  Not quite the way I 
had thought this would go, but whatever. 

He did call.  We made plans to go out again.  Nothing spectacular.  I
think we walked through the mall a few times.  We just sort of hung out 
and talked.  It was pretty nice.  I certainly wasn’t head over heels in 
love or anything, but it was nice to be “normal” again.   There was one 
time when I got home from work and he had left flowers on my porch.  
Now, that was one of the nicest things that had happened to me in a 
long time.  We tried.  Neither one of us knew what we were doing. 

On one of our trips to the mall we happened into a computer software
store.  Computers were Sean’s hobby at the time.  Later they would 
become his life and his livelihood.  We were was just looking around 
when I heard a voice.  I would know that voice anywhere.  I asked Sean 
to excuse me for a minute and I went around the corner.  There he was.  
Curt.  I hadn’t seen him in person for literally years.  It was so nice 
to see him.  I gave him a big hug.  This was pretty unusual since I 
wasn’t really, a hugger.  I had to, though.  I didn’t know when I’d get 
another opportunity.  We went into the mall and talked for a few 
minutes.  I introduced him to Sean.  Sean, of course, was shy.  I could 
tell he didn’t really want to be standing there talking to someone he 
didn’t even know.  I wanted to go somewhere and talk to Curt, but I 
couldn’t just leave Sean.  I wished over and over again that I had been 
there alone so I could have stayed and talked.  But I couldn’t.  We 
said our good byes.  Curt went on his way.  We went on ours.  Just 
another regret. 

During this time Sean moved from our small town to a bigger city about
80 miles away.  We hadn’t really been serious or anything, but we had 
kept each other company.  He asked me to visit him, so I told him I’d 
meet him.  I went and had a really good time.  Everything was still 
really awkward.  I think he thought I was going to stay with him that 
night.  I hadn’t planned on doing that, and he hadn’t really, expressed 
to me that he wanted me to when we were planning this.  Besides, I had 
parked in a parking lot across the water and had taken a ferry over.  I 
couldn’t leave my car overnight.  He took me back to the ferry terminal 
and we said our good byes.  I had a pretty good time, but I wasn’t 
feeling like he was my soul mate or anything close.  I felt a little 
like I did when I was “going out” with Curt.  Like this is what I was 
supposed to be doing.  Normal people went on dates.  They had 
relationships.  I was trying to go with the flow.  It’s not like I had 
people waiting in lines to take me out.  So, who was I to look a gift 
horse in the mouth. 

I got a call from Sean a few days later.  It started out like most of
our calls. Basically just small talk.  Then he said something that gave 
me an excuse to let him go. He had been getting too close anyway.  I 
couldn’t have that.  He made some comment about my weight.  In 
retrospect, I know he was trying to express that it didn’t bother him.  
He was not judging me, but I took it badly.  I got so defensive that I 
don’t think he was even able to finish his comment.  I think I said 
something to the effect of, if you don’t like it it’s your problem, not 
mine.  I didn’t hang up on him, but I might as well have.  That was it. 
It was over before it had a chance to really start.. 

I know I was just afraid of letting anyone too close.  I still didn’t
feel like a deserved that kind love. I didn’t necessarily feel love 
toward Sean at that time, but if I had given it a chance it might have 
grown into something good.  Oh well.  I didn’t need anyone anyway.  I 
was independent and self-sufficient.  I was perfectly happy to be by 
myself.  At least that’s what I kept telling myself.  I’d been telling 
myself that I didn’t need anyone for years.  Why should this be any 
different. 

For the next year or so I just was.  I looked forward to holidays and
family get-togethers.  Stacy and I were inseparable.  By this time she 
had been married, had two great kids, and was divorced.  She was my 
rock.  She and my brother’s wife (they also had two great kids) kept me 
from turning into a recluse.  Between Stacy’s family and my own I did 
not have time to feel lonely.  I had a day or so every once in a while 
when I would feel sorry for myself, but mostly I had a good group of 
people around me that tried hard to understand who I was.  It couldn’t 
have been easy.  I keep so much of myself to myself.  Sometimes I feel 
like three different people.  The person I am when I’m with people, the 
person I am when I’m by myself, and the person I really want to be. 

Then one day I met up with Mike again.  He was working at a new
restaurant in town.  My sister-in-law and I happened in there one day 
and there he was.  He looked the same as always.  He saw us and we all 
talked for a little bit.  He was working, so he couldn’t just drop 
everything and chat.  With a little push from my sister-in-law, he and 
I eventually started talking again. 

I kept wondering if I had missed something when I turned him down in
high school.  I decided I didn’t want that to be another regret.  I 
invited him to my apartment for dinner.  I had a roommate by this time, 
but I was pretty sure I could get rid of her for a while anyway.  By 
this time I had been talking with Mike for a few weeks.  I would go up 
to his work and talk to him while he was on break.  I even got to meet 
his grandmother.  I liked her.  I kind of thought I could really have 
feelings for him.  It was way too early to tell, but I was going to try 
and break out of my shell and take some chances for a change. 

The day after I invited him for dinner we were going to go to the city
and just do the tourist thing with my brother and his wife, so I 
invited him to stay the night.  I lived next door to my brother, so we 
would get an early start the next day.  I don’t remember dinner very 
well.  I do remember him coming up to me while I was cooking.  He just 
put his hands on my shoulders for a second, but I felt an electric 
shock.  Wow.  I thought maybe... just maybe... 

He stayed that night in my room.  I slept on a day bed in the living
room.  My roommate had come home shortly after he and I finished 
dinner, (There is a reason I didn’t have a roommate for very long.)  
but she stayed pretty much to herself in her room.  The next day we got 
up, got ready, went to my brother’s apartment and we all left from 
there. 

It was a really fun day.  We did all the tourist things.  Walked on the
waterfront.  Visited all the little shops, and just generally had a 
good adventure.  When we were waiting for dinner, Mike and my brother 
left for a few minutes.  When they came back they each had a rose made 
from a shell.  They were beautiful – to us.  My sister-in-laws was dark 
read.  Mine was pink.  I kept that thing for years.  I only got rid of 
it when it finally broke.  I was so happy.  I thought this was the 
start of something good.  I hadn’t really ever felt like this before.  
It felt like it might actually be real for a change. 

Yeah, well, he had issues. 

I think Mike was in love with his “roommate”.  She was a girl that he
knew from school.  She was in a relationship and had a son, but I think 
he was very attached to her son and I think he really loved her.  Maybe 
he thought if he stuck around long enough she’d drop her boyfriend for 
him.  He was fairly honest with me, so we eventually just stopped 
everything, the calls, the visits to his work.  Everything.  I’ll 
always have good memories of Mike.  I think it may have been able to 
work with him, but it takes a special person to love someone regardless 
of what other people may think.  I’m not sure Mike would have been able 
to deal with a girlfriend who was so obviously different even if he had 
been able to get over his “roommate”. 

I had really tried this time.  I had no regrets – for a change. 


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