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For all of you with little boys...or maybe you still are a little boy, (standard:humor, 1826 words)
Author: Subzero22Added: Feb 05 2004Views/Reads: 2846/2052Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
About a father and his children. If you think just shooting off fireworks is dangerous, you should read this.

About 2 weeks ago, I was looking around the Web for the BIGGEST sky
rocket that I could get shipped to me via common freight carrier.  I 
located a fireworks importer in Wisconsin who had this mondo sky 
rocket--biggest thing I had ever seen--called a SkyDragon.  These 
things are 48 inches tall and are mounted on a 1/2-inch wooden dowel. 
Pure aerospace engineering. 

I plopped down a bunch of money and had him send me two cases of these
things.  They arrived at the freight dock a few days ago and I had to 
drive the van over to pick them up.   Two boxes each 2 feet by 2 feet 
by 4 feet in size containing 80 rockets each.  The 'Class 4 Explosives' 
sticker on the side of each box was a real bonus.  I am gonna have to 
save them for the scrapbook. 

That night, me and the kiddos had a gen-u-ine rocket launch ceremony. I
placed one of these beauties in a liter-size glass bottle and the 
bottle fell over.  Hmmmm- this thing was waaay too big.  I looked 
around the shop for a pipe to set it in, but realized that the only 
dirt I could drive the pipe into was in plain sight of my neighbor's 
house.  I knew he was a cool guy, but I didn't want him to call the 
cops.  You see- 'projectile-type' fireworks are totally illegal in this 
county.  I was surprised that the Buncombe County Sheriff Department 
wasn't waiting for me at the loading dock when I picked these things 
up.  Anyhow, I finally rigged a launch pad by prying up one of the 
driveway drain grates with a crowbar and sitting the stick into the 
deep pit.  Looked sorta like an ICBM silo with its hardened lid slid 

I asked which of my three kids wanted to light the fuse, but all took a
few steps back and politely declined. Chickenshits.  Kids just aren't 
made the same nowadays.  They fulfill their danger quotient by shooting 
bad guys in video games.  About as far from real danger as you can get, 
if you ask  me. 

I told the little weenies to stand back as I bent to light the device
with a Bic lighter. 

The lady at the fireworks importer promised me that these things would
NOT make any noise.  I told her that they HAD to be relatively quiet so 
I could shoot them off in my neighborhood without causing 'undue 
alarm'.  She said I wouldn't have any problem.  I emphasized the 
particular legal problems I would have if  there were any type of loud 
report at apogee.  I emphasized the fact that I lived right next to a 
National Park and that any type of firework that was discharged or 
assumed to be discharged on that property would get me sent before a 
FEDERAL judge right before I got sent to the COUNTY judge.  She again 
assured me I would have no problem. 

That lying bitch. 

That rocket engine had a burn time about as long as any I had EVER seen,
and the ascent echoed off the surrounding trees. Diamond shock pattern 
extended from the back end.  It kept going and going and going. When it 
hit apogee at about 1000 feet,  the rocket disintegrated into a huge 
shower of silent red sparks. Pretty cool, I thought.... until the 
shower of sparks burned out and suddenly transformed into a cloud of 
extremely bright and loud explosions.  The kids scrambled into the back 
door 'Three Stooges' style (ie: where all three try to get through the 
same closed door at once) and left me standing in the smoking haze 
waiting for the cops to arrive.  The dogs that live along our street 
were all barking their heads off  at the apparition they had just 
witnessed in the night sky 

That ended the fireworks test for the night. 

The next day, my oldest son Doug and I decided we were gonna 'neuter'
one of the rockets so it wouldn't make any noise.  I took him into the 
closet where I store the gardening tools and he saw these two huge 
cases of fireworks standing there.  The kid went nuts.  He wanted to 
open BOTH boxes so he could see what all 159 rockets looked like lined 
up next to each other.  This kid has promise.  I told him: "Since mom 
only thinks I have a few of these things lying around, maybe that 
wasn't such a good idea." He mulled that over for a few seconds, then 
gave me a real big smile in agreement. 

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