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‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS... (standard:humor, 912 words)
Author: GodspenmanAdded: Dec 17 2016Views/Reads: 630/307Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Every family has those traditions and days that help define their family. I personally know some families (although I shall not divulge any names unless there is enough cash present) that are adequately defined by April 1.

Every family has those traditions and days that help define their
family. I personally know some families (although I shall not divulge 
any names unless there is enough cash present) that are adequately 
defined by April 1. 

Christmas Eve clearly defines me. 

Christmas Eve means many things to me. For one, it means shopping. Yes,
it is true; I do all my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. It cuts 
down on the stress. I know some people who spend weeks shopping and 
their life is full of stress. 

Unlike me in many ways, the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage begins
her Christmas shopping in January and by August, she is in full 
shopping mode. There should be a law that any present bought before 
December cannot be considered a Christmas present. 

When the children were still at home, I was just as eager as they were
on Christmas morning to see what I had bought them for Christmas. They 
always appreciated the thought that went into their gift. You did not 
hear this from me, but sometimes my wife was surprised at the gift as 

There have been times, and again you did not hear it from me, when my
wife bought a Christmas present and forgot about it by the time 
December rolled around. Once, and I will never repeat this, we 
discovered a cache of Christmas presents in the corner of our garage 
when we were packing to move. Only Santa really knows how long they 
were there. 

Up to this year, I have successfully eluded such Christmas faux pas. My
Christmas Eve starts bright and early in the morning. My first stop is 
the “Slurp ‘N Burp Café” for a big breakfast. After an early breakfast, 
it is off to the mall for my Christmas Eve ritual of shopping. I only 
go to the mall once a year. 

It is a tradition with me. My philosophy is, the more torturous the
shopping experience the more the recipient will appreciate the gift. 
For me, nothing is more torturous than a visit at the local shopping 

Some go to the mall for pleasure and recreation. I go for penitence. 

The average mall is so anti-man that every man enters its doors at his
own peril. Many insurance companies have a disclosure, in fine print, 
in their policies to men making all insurance claims invalid when in a 
shopping mall. 

Shopping malls are deliberately designed to frustrate the male equation
of the marital state of mind. Let me list a few observations in this 
regard: Is it just me, or do they move the mall stores around from year 
to year just to confuse the average man? Why is it, no matter what door 
I enter the mall it is never there when I want to leave? 

Once inside the mall it only takes me three hours to acclimate myself to
the hostile environment. By that time, I am hopelessly lost. As I 
wander aimlessly around the mall, I try to remember why I am there. One 
of the things on my shopping agenda is a Christmas present for my wife. 
Although I have had over 45 years experience in this, I am no better 
off then our first Christmas. 

In all those years, I have given her everything from jewelry to perfume
to bubble bath. At this stage in my life, I do not know what to get 

Last year I was tempted to wrap myself and put the box under the tree,
but I was afraid I would suffocate by Christmas morning. As I wandered 
from store to store, I could not find anything to buy for her. I could 
get her a card with money in it but I'm afraid the check would bounce - 
and then I would. 

If I bought her a dress, I would only be putting my life on the line. If
the dress I bought were too small, she would be offended to think I 
thought she was gaining weight. If the dress I bought was too large – 
well, you know what that would mean. 

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