|Jackson G the Snack Hound's Guide to the Lazy Life (standard:humor, 749 words)|
|Author: Jacksonthecorgy||Added: Apr 18 2017||Views/Reads: 149/0||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|I am the laziest dog alive! Let me show you the way to be your laziest ever. You won't regret it. I should know I am get my way because I am cute.|
My name is Jackson and I live to snack. The day light and sunshine give me no real purpose for living. I like the night when the house is quiet and I can sniff around for snacks. My yearning for the perfect snack experience has in the past made me the enemy of the house. Therefore, I have developed some rules to make peace with the humans that give me this great snack house. It is up to me as the house snack dog to wake up the humans. I have my ways. Crying does not always work. Sneakiness is the key. This means knowing when to strike for the ultimate snack experience. Oh, the tales I could tell you if I could really talk! Lazy Rule #1: Tread lightly and be quick! Find out where the snacks are and put on your best begging face and cry! The humans may say that chocolate is off limits, pepper will make me croak or cheese will make me fart, but I don't care! If it's a snack I will eat it! Make sure your toe nails are cut! If not, you will give yourself away. The tick tick of your steps will be your doom. If you did not get a pedicure now is the time! Case the house. Find out where the scent is coming from and if it is a snack! Attack! Be quick about it or else the humans will put the snacks up high and you don't have wings. Remember that. Lazy Rule # 2: Own your laziness! It's wonderful to be a dog and lazy. Just look so cozy and comfortable in your bed and when the humans yell just smile and know they are so jealous of you! You own the moment and the lazy way is the best way! One note of caution: The food and all the good stuff is upstairs. The stairs are a challenge if you are a fat dog like me. Take three steps back and lunge forward. It may take ten or twelve tries but you will conquer the stairs. Once upstairs, you know what to do. Head for the humans and nudge the bed. Cry if you must but do it. You will get the snack and it will be tasty! Lazy Rule #3: Be cute about it. You know the drill. Bat your big brown eyes and look at the steak on the counter. Whine and whine. Throw yourself on the floor and twitch. don't worry that steak is yours. Humans are so dumb. Lazy Rule #4 Know their habits. Stake out their rooms and when the come home and leave. Watch a couple of episodes of dragnet and you will get the hang of it. You know when the kids are having cookie time. You know when Johnny will drop the cookie. Be ready. Be prepared for crumbs. Why should you have to worry. Take the cookie! Also, don't be gross. If the humans offer you a plate, don't lick it. Demand a real snack! Where's the cookies? Where's my dog food? I demand answers. Or else. But never say what else is. Lazy Rule #5 Parties. Crash all parties. Jump on the sofa, table, chairs and plow through the cake. It's your party and you will whine if you want to. Just be ready to jump out the window if Mom or Dad come into the party room. Children are such babies. Why can't I be invited to their party?? I am fun! I am loveable? Lazy Rule #6 Snore alot. If you snore alot and wake up the humans, two things will happen. Either they will throw a shoe or pillow at you, or else you will get a milk bone to shut the hell up. Hold out for a cookie instead. Turn up the volume and snore snore snore! Lazy Rule #7 Vacations Hide away in the back of the van and learn how to open up the picnic basket. All you can eat fun! By the time the humans find out you are there, you will be the fattest pig in town! Yum! Being lazy is not easy but if you study humans and their habits, you will pass the lazy test. Enjoy being a pest, being fat, stinky and disgusting but you get the cookie, crash the party and have the last laugh. A dog's life is short so make it count. Be lazy and eat every crumb you can! Tweet
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