|Shame (standard:humor, 0 words)|
|Author: AJ||Added: May 31 2001||Views/Reads: 3791/1||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|A high school couple goes to make their first condom purchase...hilarity ensues|
“You’re coming in with me, right?” Jesse asked. His face took on that pleading expression that he gets when he needs me to sneak him into my house for a weekend. He slammed the trunk of his Jeep, and then joined me in the front, taking a moment to locate his sunglasses. “Sure, I guess,” I said, snapping a barrette onto an unruly lock of my hair. “I don’t see what the big deal is, though. I mean, people buy condoms every day.” Jesse’s nostrils flared slightly, like they do when I make him feel less than manly. I thought it might be prudent to change the subject, so I said, “Did you start the English assignment? Mr. Clark is going senile if he thinks we can write a term paper on two weeks notice.” Jesse fidgeted with his new gold earring, rotating the post in his mildly inflamed earlobe. So he was going to be sulky. I rifled through his cassette collection, which was crammed into the glove compartment, along with cigarettes, a lighter shaped like a woman’s legs, and some gum. I borrowed a cigarette and started to light it. “At least wait until we’re off school campus,” Jesse bitched. “I don’t want to get in trouble.” “Funny that you should worry about getting in trouble over smoking, when we don’t even have a pass to leave grounds in the first place!” I retorted, but stowed the unlit cigarette behind my ear. I found an old mix tape in the glove compartment, minus a cover, but the label said “SCHOOL MAKES ME PUKE.” Appropriate, I thought, and popped it into the tape deck. “Good Feelings” by Violent Femmes came on loud. I wasn’t in the mood to hear the singer’s whiny voice over Jesse’s complaining, so I switched it off. By then we’d left school grounds, but we were close to the market, so I didn’t light my cigarette. I noticed that Jesse’s knuckles were going white from squeezing the hell out of the wheel. What a pussy, I thought, he’s peeing his pants over a puny prophylactics purchase. The quietude of the car was getting to me, so I turned on the radio. As if the atmosphere wasn’t awkward enough, I’d tuned into the middle of some promiscuous teen’s PSA about STDs. I didn’t want Jesse to think that it phased me (which it didn’t), so I left the radio alone. Just as Jose was describing his bout with Chlamidia over the airwaves, we pulled into Stop & Shop. “I want to get back to school before Eighth Hour.” Jesse said impatiently, tapping his foot against the pavement. I was still trying to thwart the tricky passenger door handle, causing Jesse to trot reluctantly around the Jeep and open the door for me. Shaken by his forced gentlemanlinesss, Jesse neglected to wait for me to get out of the car, and was already in aisle C by the time the automatic doors swooshed open for me. Jesse speedwalked to the checkout aisle, where an aging blonde whose nametag said TESS, took the box of Durexes. The box wouldn’t scan, probably due to Jesse’s sweaty hands. Tess pursed her lips in concentration, and concern mounted on Jesse’s brow each time the red line fruitlessly searched the bar code. “Hello Mr. Brenner, Miss Cameron.” A curt voice behind me said. We both turned to return the gaze of Mr. Clark, our decrepit English teacher. I smoothly snatched up the evidence from the counter, but as I jammed it into my purse, Tess clicked on the loudspeaker and announced, “Can I get a price check on these Durex UltraComfort condoms? Checkout aisle seven?” Shit. Mr. Clark looked like he was stifling a giggle, but I didn’t see the humor. I grabbed Jesse by the arm, and had him halfway to the door, when Tess yelled, “Hey, you didn’t pay for those condoms!” Every head in Stop & Shop turned to look at us, and I could feel Jesse’s arm muscles tense up even more. I wasn’t even trying to act casual as I rapidly threw a five-dollar bill on the counter. “Keep the change,” I mumbled. On our way out the door, Jesse and I turned to look at Mr. Clark. Something in his face twitched—was that a wink?? I gripped Jesse’s arm tighter as he suddenly seemed to relax. As the doors closed behind us, we heard Tess’ nasal voice shouting “You kids have a good night!” I almost passed out from embarrassment, but Jesse grinned goofily, and opened the car door for me. Tweet
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