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Flatulence (standard:humor, 606 words)
Author: denis holzhauserAdded: Aug 01 2001Views/Reads: 3329/1Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A man whose dog has a problem with gas

I am a forty two year old,never been married,balding man living in the
French Quarter of New Orleans,alone,in a large two story apartment, 
which is part of a totally enclosed,patioed,with fountain, brickyarded 
complex of mine,plus six other units.I own the damned thing,free and 
clear of any encumberances. 

If you have ever been to New Orleans,or have any knowledge of the French
Quarter,you have probably come to the conclusion that I am gay. I can 
understand and see how you may,stupidly,have come to that 
conclusion,but you'd be wrong. 

I inherited the property from my father's sister,my old aunt,who,as it
happens,was a dyke.She left it to me, I always thought because she knew 
I liked and loved her.My dad had expected to inherit the property,along 
with the rest of her estate.She left it all to me,and in the 
will,stated that she hoped I lived on the property.A further provision 
of her will,additionally gifted me with a lifetime income of whatever 
the annual return was on all investments left in trust for me,after all 
costs and taxes.In short,she had made me,at thirty one years 
old,very,very rich. 

My father,a successful and prosperous attorney,offered to handle all the
legal work and lend any assisstance or adviced I may wish to seek from 
him.In the end,it turned out I was,suddenly,much richer than my 
father,who,by the way ,is loaded. 

Now,after a good many years,I live a quiet bachelor life, alone except
for my dachshund male dog,named Fred. He is named for the character 
played by Mr.Bogart in the movie,"The Treasure of Sierra Madre", a 
pretty old movie favorite of mine.I date women who are much younger 
than I am,entertain rarely and am in,seemingly,very good 
health.Everything is ideal,but for one small problem.It is with Fred.He 
is a chronic farter,he suffers from constant flatulence.Now,if he was 
smarter and could try to hide it,maybe,just maybe,he and I, when 
strolling in the Quarter,might, when a lovely young miss bends down to 
pet him,be able to make a lovely new friend for him and I,but no,it 
seems when he gets excited,he poops.His poops are odorous beyond 
belief.Many times,he waits until the young thing has stooped down to 
coo and pet him,then he let's one go.I really cannot hazard a guess at 
how many times Fred has ruined our chances to meet,wine and perhaps let 
me secude,or be seduced by,one of these adorable creatures.I weep at 
the failed chances. 

Just today,as we stopped for a traffic light,to wait to cross,this
amazing,alluring green eyed,red headed,built like a brick...well you 
know..stooped down to coo and pet Fred.I hoped for the best,but Fred 
got excited by the attention,and let one go with unerring aim.I was 
afraid that the beautiful,curvacious young thing was going to heel over 
in a dead faint.Luckily,she rapidly retired,gasping for air the whole 
way.Fred and I returned home,alone,again. 

Our love and friendship is too strong and loyal for us to agree to part
now.So I made a decision recently,and sought out a breeder who 
specializes in Dachshunds.I found one who was understanding,plus,lo and 
behold..was blindingly beautiful. 

She had the same problem,well she didn't have the problem,she had a 
beautiful little bitch that had the same problem.Everytime my new 
friend had tried to breed her lovely bitch,the little lovely farted her 
way right out of the romance. 

We saw each other at several dinners,to discuss our mutual problems,and
finally have reached a successful solution.We were married today and 
will honeymoon,then live part time,at the breeding farm for 
dachshunds,the other times in the quarter at our city residence.Fred 
and his young bride will be with us,always,farting and playing and 
barking,then farting again.I will keep you up todate on any further 


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