|Flatulence (standard:humor, 606 words)|
|Author: denis holzhauser||Added: Aug 01 2001||Views/Reads: 3329/1||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|A man whose dog has a problem with gas|
I am a forty two year old,never been married,balding man living in the French Quarter of New Orleans,alone,in a large two story apartment, which is part of a totally enclosed,patioed,with fountain, brickyarded complex of mine,plus six other units.I own the damned thing,free and clear of any encumberances. If you have ever been to New Orleans,or have any knowledge of the French Quarter,you have probably come to the conclusion that I am gay. I can understand and see how you may,stupidly,have come to that conclusion,but you'd be wrong. I inherited the property from my father's sister,my old aunt,who,as it happens,was a dyke.She left it to me, I always thought because she knew I liked and loved her.My dad had expected to inherit the property,along with the rest of her estate.She left it all to me,and in the will,stated that she hoped I lived on the property.A further provision of her will,additionally gifted me with a lifetime income of whatever the annual return was on all investments left in trust for me,after all costs and taxes.In short,she had made me,at thirty one years old,very,very rich. My father,a successful and prosperous attorney,offered to handle all the legal work and lend any assisstance or adviced I may wish to seek from him.In the end,it turned out I was,suddenly,much richer than my father,who,by the way ,is loaded. Now,after a good many years,I live a quiet bachelor life, alone except for my dachshund male dog,named Fred. He is named for the character played by Mr.Bogart in the movie,"The Treasure of Sierra Madre", a pretty old movie favorite of mine.I date women who are much younger than I am,entertain rarely and am in,seemingly,very good health.Everything is ideal,but for one small problem.It is with Fred.He is a chronic farter,he suffers from constant flatulence.Now,if he was smarter and could try to hide it,maybe,just maybe,he and I, when strolling in the Quarter,might, when a lovely young miss bends down to pet him,be able to make a lovely new friend for him and I,but no,it seems when he gets excited,he poops.His poops are odorous beyond belief.Many times,he waits until the young thing has stooped down to coo and pet him,then he let's one go.I really cannot hazard a guess at how many times Fred has ruined our chances to meet,wine and perhaps let me secude,or be seduced by,one of these adorable creatures.I weep at the failed chances. Just today,as we stopped for a traffic light,to wait to cross,this amazing,alluring green eyed,red headed,built like a brick...well you know..stooped down to coo and pet Fred.I hoped for the best,but Fred got excited by the attention,and let one go with unerring aim.I was afraid that the beautiful,curvacious young thing was going to heel over in a dead faint.Luckily,she rapidly retired,gasping for air the whole way.Fred and I returned home,alone,again. Our love and friendship is too strong and loyal for us to agree to part now.So I made a decision recently,and sought out a breeder who specializes in Dachshunds.I found one who was understanding,plus,lo and behold..was blindingly beautiful. She had the same problem,well she didn't have the problem,she had a beautiful little bitch that had the same problem.Everytime my new friend had tried to breed her lovely bitch,the little lovely farted her way right out of the romance. We saw each other at several dinners,to discuss our mutual problems,and finally have reached a successful solution.We were married today and will honeymoon,then live part time,at the breeding farm for dachshunds,the other times in the quarter at our city residence.Fred and his young bride will be with us,always,farting and playing and barking,then farting again.I will keep you up todate on any further developments. Tweet
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