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Wee timerous beastie (standard:humor, 1857 words)
Author: DaffywriterAdded: May 09 2004Views/Reads: 1689/1134Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A amn writes an explanation to his wife.

Dearest Louise, Joanne and Jamie, 

I'm really, really sorry, but I just couldn't take it any more. He has
destroyed me. First, layer by layer, he stripped away my sanity. Then 
he robbed me of my self control. Before I knew it, I lost everything I 
love and everything I worked for. 

My former friends avoid me. I cannot go out in public without strangers
pointing at me and their laughter ringing in my ears. 

Today I lost my job. As I was leaving, they served me with a restraining
order. They said they hoped I would understand, but in my unbalanced 
state, they considered me too greater risk. 

I love you Louise. You stood by me far longer than can be expected of
any wife. You are a wonderful, beautiful woman who deserves better than 
the husk of the man I have become. 

Forgive me please Joanne and you Jamie. Somehow, I managed to breed two
of the most balanced and delightful teenagers on this earth. Please 
remember the way I was before all of this. I love you. 

Despite what you have seen, what you heard and what people will say, I'm
not mad. Before I go, I need to explain myself. Tell my side of the 
story. I know it won't make things right, but I hope that you will 

It is all the fault of that mouse. You can't have a mouse in the garage.
Before you know it, they'll be in the house, spreading disease, 
spoiling our food and generally causing mischief. It had to go. You do 
realise that, don't you? 

So, I went out and bought a couple of traps. Nothing fancy, just your
common or garden mouse traps plus some peanuts. It's a myth that mice 
go for cheese on traps. Gerry, the landlord at ‘The Bull' told me to 
use peanuts. He's got rid of more mice than you would believe. He knows 
all the tricks. 

Sensitive souls that you are, when I brought home those traps, you all
had a fit. You're so nice and kind that you wouldn't hear of me killing 
the thing. 

Next day I went back to return the old-fashioned traps and exchange them
for a humane trap. Only the local hardware store didn't have any. Not 
wanting to risk the beastie breeding, I travelled over to Leicester and 
bought one there. 

Expensive being a humanitarian, these new fangled caring traps are five
times the price of the old ones. 

Every morning I would go into the garage to check the traps. Every
morning I would find the trap in a different place to where I left it. 
Every morning the peanuts would be gone, but I hadn't caught the mouse. 

I suppose that was when I started to get a bit tetchy. 

Gerry suggested that I get a cat. Only you know that I'm allergic. I
tried locking the neighbourhood Tom in the garage one night. That 
malicious ginger beast has depopulated the entire estate of sparrows. 
When I opened the door in the morning he was cowering in the corner, 
his fur had turned white. That was when I knew I had a fight on my 

It didn't help that for days afterwards, whenever I went into that
garage I broke out in hives and sneezed for hours. 

Still, Gerry had some more advice. He had a mate who had invented an
ultra-sonic device that scared mice away. It let out a high pitched 
whine that only mice could hear. It turned out that this made the 
humane trap look cheap at twice the price. Mind you, I would have paid 
anything to get rid of that mouse. 

You know what? I am the only human in the whole world who could hear
that whine. While you slept soundly in you beds, the drone kept me 

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