Senior Reunion Part III (standard:humor, 5195 words) [3/5] show all parts
Author: Hugh	Added: Sep 30 2004	Views/Reads: 2421/1644	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
More antics of the seniors on their reunion.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story


I said come on Liz lets go, and we left the dance room. Passing two
hundred ladies still standing in the middle of the floor eating their 
little hearts out with cheeseburgers, and keeping the ferry level. 
Night girls I said. Night Hugh 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10, they replied. 

I smiled, my real name even I don't know. We headed towards my cabin and
love blossomed in our hearts, that night we kept every one awake with 
the sound of clashing table legs as we played football all night. 

Feeling tired in the morning after loosing 9-0 to my nurse, she kicked
me a lot, I took of my leg to give it a rest, and then fell over 
sideways. It was another normal day for me, I thought, forgetting my 
dream. 

Liz used my razor to shape her new legs, and put on some stocking from
my draw, this pissed me off as she laddered them, and they were my 
Sunday stockings. We went to breakfast and lined up with the rest of 
our friends chatting like friends do when they meet, stabbing each 
other in the back. Vic had burgundy on toast, and Kev stayed ten people 
behind Miss Sheely. The twins came in late, and walked to the front of 
the queue and scoped up all the hamburgers. Nobody said anything, as 
they knew the twins were hungry. The captain came in and everyone said 
you go first captain, holding there noses hoping he would hurry up and 
go. 

Everyone was amazed when the barbarian came in, holding Joys hand. He
likes a publican I thought. I just hope he don't kiss her that's all. 
Nobody had seen the Padre, so I asked Teddy if he was ill or something, 
no said Teddy, he has been arrested on information received from an 
unknown reliable source. What for I asked, he was found in possession 
of one of my shoes when security searched his cabin for my laptop he 
informed me. 

Only one I replied. Yes security thinks he threw the other one out the
porthole to get rid of the evidence. Bloody hell I replied, you can't 
trust anyone these days can you Teddy, I said. Yes he replied, I only 
trust the Captain, he is reliable. Yes Ted I said, he sure is. Well at 
least I knew my blue suede shoe was not hot anymore. What's going on 
Elizabeth said, nothing-darling just normal forum business, I 
re-assured her. 

We had scrambled sheep's eyes and garlic for breakfast as my gold teeth
were going black and needed a shine. Liz leaned over and gave me a 
kiss, her breath was strong. I called over Russell the journalist, Russ 
I asked, do you think she is Italian, Russell spoke in a foreign 
language and Elizabeth smiled, yes she is Russell said or she would 
have smacked my face. Thanks Russell I said. I then kissed her back as 
I knew she couldn't smell my garlic breath. 

After breakfast, I let Elizabeth go back to work in the ferry hospital
as there were a few forum members needing medication mostly ecstasy 
tablets. I then went down to the ferry cells and asked if I could see 
the Padre as I was in need of a confession. The security guard that was 
an agnostic as well understood my need, and let me see the Padre. I 
gave him a line of cocaine to relax him and we chatted. What happened I 
asked, I was framed he said. NO I replied, adding the prisons are full 
of framed people. Which I know is true, as I was framed 80 times 
myself. And all my kids framed as well. They are even framing my grand 
children I told him. I never mentioned our friendship forum that ran 
into hundreds of frame-ups. 

Can't trust anyone Hugh he said, damn right I replied. Can I do anything
for you I asked, well Hugh there are a lot of addresses in my 
confession case and I don't want to loose them, and a box in the shower 
compartment behind the wall panel, can you get them and hold on to them 
for me. He got a key out of his sock, and gave it to me, that will open 
my cabin he said, I always get copy keys done when I stay in hotels or 
guest houses as I can then go back later to see if I have left anything 
behind. This guy is smart I thought. It saves buying a jemmy, and 
cheaper. 

I said goodbye to him and reassured him he could trust me, as I was holy
now. In his cabin I retrieved his confession case, and his gold begging 
bowl. Then undid the partition screws with my teeth and got out a heavy 
box. Locking up his cabin, I then took the loot to my cabin. In his 
confession box he had information on services, one I noticed said see 
victor for wine, its cheaper than tesco, s. I took out the gold chalice 
and put it with the gold plate. I got a hammer that I keep for leg 
repairs and smashed off the lock. Inside there were banker's drafts. 
Wow, this religion game is better than I thought, I chuckled. £800,000, 
in drafts was the total. Afghanistan must be a rich playground for 
Vicars. I hid it on top of my bunk, knowing what's in front of people 
they can't see, burglars look everywhere except in front of them. I 
learned years ago that if you leave you cash on the doorstep, nobody 
wants it, not even the dustman will take it away, but hide it, and they 
find it. 

With the afternoon free, I decided to make a present. I bashed away till
five in the afternoon, I was very pleased with the result. But I had 
accidentally hit the laptop and broke it. I had no alternative now. 
With my work finished I thought lets dump the laptop as I can buy all 
the laptops I need with my find in the padre's cabin. I was going to 
put it back in Teddies cabin, but I had a brainwave. Its happens from 
time to time. I knocked on the captain's door, no answer, but as always 
the captain never sees danger and never locks up. I went back and got 
the laptop and hid it under his bunk. Then left. 

Elizabeth knocked on my cabin twice, once with each leg. I knocked back
twice with one leg. It was our code. I opened the door for her and let 
her in. I have some pills for you as a present she said. Touched with 
her affection and kindness I blushed. I have one for you as well I 
said. But later. She gave me a little box. I thought she wants to give 
me a buzz. I opened the box and inside there were 500 tablets of 
viagra. Full strength. What are these for I asked try one and see she 
replied. Not wanting to appear rude at her present I took one. How do 
you feel now she asked? Wow I said, my leg doesn't wobble anymore. She 
giggled yes they are good aren't they micky, if I feel wobbly on my 
legs I take two. You only need one for your leg. For the first time 
since I lost my leg in a card game, I felt solid and complete. Where 
did you get them I asked, from the ships carpenter she giggled? I 
thought this girl gets to the real legs of men. 

We spent and erotic hour polishing up our woods. And I fell in love with
her. They say from mighty oaks you end up with an acorn. My sister told 
me that. And I had a real ache orn. 

Chapter 6. 

We chose a table with wooden legs, as you never know when you may need
spares. She looked radiant in her gold leg. And I smart and clean 
without smelly trousers. We chatted like lovers do, about how many 
little trees we would have, and what shade of brown or green. 

Victor returned the scooter to its rightful owner and was arrested by
security at the same time. As he was carted away his friends cheered. 
The Captain came in, with the splendour of President Bush and to a 
lesser degree the Queen. His Valet, now with a massive gas mask 
complete with aqualungs on his back and a contamination suit on, 
awaited the next command. I will have the usual starter he demanded. 
The Valet went away, then to return, with a dozen oysters to improve 
his master's virility. An American lady was smitten with the sight of 
this magnificent image of manhood in golden braid and slipping oysters 
down his throat. She adored him from across the wide room. And she was 
looking for a man, any man would do, but this mirage exceeded her 
wildest imagination. She approached in humble subservience. Would you 
like some bubble gum she asked, as she did this in many other counties, 
to any man that took her fancy. 

He gazed at her with the passion of a man with a dozen oysters working
overtime in his groin, the zinc was re-filling what he had lost in bed 
reading playboy magazine. Welcome to my table he said standing up and 
removing his captain's cap. Are you related to the Admiral Nelson she 
asked, as Americans tend to do with all English people with a name or 
image that matches their images and beliefs of the motherland. Feeling 
like royalty he modestly lied, yes, he was my great grandfather 
son-in-law twice removed. The lady swooned with desire. My name is 
Frances Chichester st Bligh, he informed her. This bloke is good with 
his own image. 

My name is Merriam Go Lightly, she replied with all the feminine allure
of a woman in sheer desperation of a husband. And in that state, a 
woman is not fussy. Elizabeth and I watched the courtship and smiled. 

Cant she smell him micky she asked. No sweetheart I replied, love
conquers all, including the senses. 

We went back to our beans on toast, wondering if Victor would be all
right. Elizabeth asked me if we had justice in England like they do 
back home in the USA. Yes I replied we do. You need witnesses to 
convict in my country I reassured her. And all victors' friends are 
here to support him. If they were not, he would go down for a long 
time. I returned to my beans with no hope for him in truth or my heart, 
but I didn't want to upset her. Not till after our meal anyway. 

The barbarian came in holding joys hand and wearing trousers, he was
happy and smiling and he had even washed off the blue and yellow war 
paint. I nudged Liz, and pointed to them, what has he done to himself 
she asked, I did not recognise him. Liz I said, they are in love, and 
she is an American like you, and American women are the bosses with 
their men. If he gives her a Glasgow kiss, he will get one back twice 
as hard. Plus he can't wait to get into her pub for a few scotches. 
That's so nice said Liz. You continental men are so romantic, well 
darling it's in our blood I told her as I picked my nose clean of 
beans. 

Kevin came in smiling and sidestepped Miss Sheely by twenty feet,
ducking just in case the distance was to short. Hi micky how's things 
going with you, fine Kev I replied. But I do have a problem that you 
may be able to help me with. What's that he asked. Well Kevin I have to 
fill out some social security forms for invalid benefit, and 
exceptional needs. And another for rent and council take rebates. Well 
that's no problem he replied, and looked at the forms. This one asks 
what invalidity are you claiming and what are your exceptional needs 
Mick. Well Liz and me here, have only one leg between us and want a new 
jaguar to get about in. That's a tough one Mick he replied, but you can 
get a three-wheeler robin reliant no trouble. Kevin we can't drive 
around in a robin it is to small and we have an image to keep up. 

I see your point he said, I had the same trouble myself last year, and I
got over it by saying I was a Member of Parliament and we got a jaguar 
right away. So fill in MP. Got you Kevin I replied, now what about the 
exceptional needs. What needs are they Mick he asked? Well Liz only 
watches television if it's a flat screens 60-inch model. And my one is 
only twelve inch; wish I had a twelve-inch, said Kevin with a chuckle. 
Well put down security camera and monitor and claim you live in a 
crime-ridden area. But I live in Westminster Kevin I replied, so does 
the Queen he retorted but her palace has burglars all the time. 

This bloke is smart I said to Liz, I would never have thought of that.
Now what's the trouble with the rent and council tax he went on? Well 
Kevin I have several flats in London and a house that I own. I have 
been claiming for my town flat but I have bought some rent books from 
immigrants moving back home. Well he said get some more forms and fill 
in the forms with the names of those going back to their own countries, 
that way the council wont know any different. Plus you can claim their 
benefits at the dole office every week. Bloody hell Kevin you are 
smart. See I said to Liz, stick with me, we are going places. I bought 
Kevin a cup of tap water and thanked him. I would have bought him a 
beer but I had not cashed my social cheque yet, as I was saving it for 
the betting shop. 

A big fight started and all around the captains table, there were
security guards all over the place, they were falling all over the 
floor, trying to get up then falling down again, they could not handle 
the captains trousers. One grabbed the valet's gas mask and gave all 
his friends oxygen. Merriam fought back even harder, she wasn't going 
to give up the chance of an English relative of Lord Nelson without a 
fight. And she was desperate for a husband. She knew that back home 
with a relative of Lord Nelson her friends would be jealous. Even more 
jealous of her if she just managed to get any man. She fought like a 
tiger. 

They were both subdued with the help of the gas mask. The captain ended
up in the cells, and Merriam was detained for deportation as an 
undesirable when the ferry reached its destination. If it ever did, 
that is. 

Liz was worried a bit about the immigration officers that may board the
ferry, if we got to land, but I reassured her that passports are not a 
problem, I have lots of them and I would give her one as a gift. Then 
all she had to do was throw it away and claim asylum in the UK, or 
Switzerland claiming if she returned to the USA, the Republicans would 
torture her, as she is a democrat. And to add that she was tortured in 
Cuba. What about torture marks she wisely bought up. Just say the cut 
your legs of for firewood I replied. 

We decided to go and visit Victor in the cells after our beans had gone
cold after all these goings on. And before the evenings dance. Victor 
was unhappy. Cheer up victor I said. Your friends are upstairs, thanks 
a lot he replied, that's all I need. Mick he asked can you get me a 
drink, I have loads of duty free wine in my cabin off the back of that 
French lorry and nothing here, they wont allow it. I glanced around his 
cell, open the port hole Vic, and I will try something for you, thanks 
he replied anything will do even just a glass full. Ok mate leave it to 
me was my parting remark. 

Why does victor like wine so much micky, Liz asked. Well princess it
goes back a long way with victor. He likes the water and riverbanks and 
a leisurely glass of wine as he dreams the days away in peace, it's a 
water thing with him. And on the sea, the water is more water, so he 
needs more wine. Oh, I see now said my innocent little blonde with 
brown eyes blue and the tiniest of hands. The thought crossed my mind, 
London tube. Go back to our table Liz I said I have something to do, I 
will be back later. Ok she said and left me. 

I went into the maintenance area and nicked a roll of plastic tube. Then
into victors cabin. There were barrels jamming the door, I shoved them 
over and went in. I pushed one over to the porthole and stuck one end 
of the tube down to the bottom of the barrel, then slung the rest out 
the window. On deck I walked along to where the cell portholes were, 
and called out, victor, victor, yes he shouted back. Grab the hose I 
shouted, after several attempts he caught it, just suck I shouted, when 
its empty I will connect another one OK, great Mick thanks he shouted 
back. Feeling happy that I had done the best I could for my fellow man 
before his execution, and happy for him to be by the water with his 
wine, I left to return to my nurse. 

Hi Teddy I said to the axe man, who wasn't very happy at the members of
his friendship forum. I don't know why I bother with you lot he said 
with venom, I do have a life you know. Yes teddy I believe you, but 
thousands don't. What's that supposed to mean Hugh whatever number you 
are today, he asked me. I'm not Hugh I replied I am AXA 2. Sorry he 
said but I am pissed off and I thought you was one of those Hugh's. He 
gives my nice members the willies. Yes life's a bitch I replied. But 
you can handle that Teddy I said, yes that's not my problem really AXA 
2 he said, I just am so angry to think that my top grass had nicked my 
laptop. NO, said I, well, well. I think that undesirable husband seeker 
put him up to it he said. Who is that Teddy I asked with mock surprise, 
some bloody foreigner from the colonies looking for a husband he said, 
but worse than that I have lost my shoe polisher. Teddy I said, fear 
not, there are many more that will clean your shoes willingly. Do you 
want the job AXA 2 he asked me with hope in his heart? Not me Teddy I 
replied my tongue isn't long enough try some of the women. With that I 
left him to think who would be the best boot licker for the job. 

Liz smiled as I walked to her table, her gold leg sticking out for all
to see, like women do when they show off their engagement rings, or 
legs. Some of the old maids and widows envied her having me for a mate, 
they know that men are gold dust at their ages, and most aint got a cat 
in hells of a chance to be romanced again. Not unless they find a drunk 
or tramp that needs a meal. I shined up her leg for a while so that it 
shone with the spinning globe with mirrors in the middle of the room up 
on the ceiling that threw starlight reflections all over the room. What 
a leg I thought. 

Into the room came a stranger turning sideways and heaving herself
through the doors. I had never seen her before; she was large, like a 
huge doughnut on legs. With her was a thin man that could not get his 
arm around her because she was far too wide, and he looked like Stan 
Laurel only thinner. Can we sit next to you she asked, yes I replied, 
and pulled up four chairs for her to sit on, and a pole for him to sit 
on, thank you she said that was nice of you. I thought of Laurel and 
Hardy. I am olive she said this is Stanley. I fell of my chair and 
buried my head under the tablecloth trying not to laugh. Olive hardy 
and Stanley laurel was just too much for my limited mind to digest all 
at once. When I recovered I got up, what happened she asked, it was 
just my leg I said hoping to control my laughter. She got the menu and 
poked Stanley in the eye and asked him what he wanted for dinner. He 
browsed the menu, and chose custard pie. I fell on the floor again this 
was just killing me. I recovered once more and blamed my leg again. 
What are you having oli, Stanley asked, my mind just blew up and I 
collapsed again under the table, thinking oli, oli. How was I ever 
going to keep a straight face after that? Liz helped me up thinking I 
was having a heart attack. Pull yourself together micky she said with 
concern for my heart. With her help I calmed down. 

What are you having Oli Stanley repeated after all this, once again. 

I think I will just have doughnuts, as I am not hungry at the moment, I
could not stop myself now, this was uncontrollable so I ran out of the 
room to collapse in the hall. There I rolled around trying to stop 
before I really blew up, like a doughnut I said to myself, like you do 
when your mind buzzes none stop. Shut up I kept saying shut up, trying 
to calm the humour in me, but it was hopeless so I rolled around some 
more for a while, till it eased, feeling weak from the laughter I 
rested a while. 

I returned to the room with my leg off, hopping on my good leg, and said
sorry I have trouble with my leg from time to time, I was going to say 
with woodworm but I dare not, as my mind was on a hair trigger of 
laughter. 

What fun these forum holidays can be I thought. 

Smitten with true love for the first time since last week, I proposed.
Oh micky why did you take so long she asked. I said it's an English 
thing we never rush, and we make sure it's not a flash in the pan. That 
way I told her, we will have at least a week before we part. Shut your 
eyes I said kissing myself first. She shut her eyes, and I slipped it 
on. Open your eyes now I said. She opened her eyes and tears fell down 
her rosy cheeks onto head. You are the best lover I have ever had with 
a wooden leg, and this is the best engagement golden leg I have even 
been given. I held her tight in my arms in case she fell over. And she 
held me close for the same reason. Stick with me I told her; soon you 
will have two golden legs. What about you she said with concern don't 
you want a golden leg. I did once Elizabeth, but with your pills I 
prefer my hard wooden one now. She was touched with my loving thoughts. 
And her new leg shone. 

As we walked to the restaurant the sound of wood and metal was like
music, she would never play the drums the same again I thought. I don't 
know what happened but everyone was miserable in the restaurant. We 
were so happy and in love, yet they looked like death. Victor's friends 
turned up, ok I understand that. But why was Kevin unhappy. What's up 
Kev I asked. Micky you don't want to know he said, Come on Kev I 
carried on, tell me about it. Well ok Micky, as I trust you I will. I 
posted today and made a spelling mistake and the captain then posted a 
thousand posts telling everyone. Kevin I said the night is young and 
things even out, so brighten up and be happy. I will try Micky he said 
but it's hard. The Captain passed by and smiled like a Cheshire cat at 
Kevin. Coming the other way was Miss Sheely, on passing the captain and 
the pong he emitted, she stopped and whacked him hard, I have had 
enough of you men farting she bellowed, and then preceded to thrash the 
daylights out of him. See Kevin, life isn't so bad mate is it? Kevin's 
face lit up as he walked away happy, and trod on the captains head to 
complete his happiness. I made a note in my diary, don't fart in here. 

Teddy wanted to know what all the trouble was, as he likes to keep up
with what goes on. I said Miss Sheely got upset. She said something 
about under his bunk or something. Thanks Hugh 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 he 
said. That's ok Teddy we all replied, knowing that I am now AXA 2. 
Teddy called security like he does all the time in the forum. I want a 
cabin checked out he demanded. Yes Sir Right Away. 

Elizabeth was happy to see at least one happy person in Kevin. Well
darling I said the night has only just begun, so stick with me, and it 
will get better. How I did not know, but it could not get any worse 
that's for sure.


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