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Healthy Living in America (standard:humor, 1749 words)
Author: Jim SpenceAdded: Oct 06 2005Views/Reads: 2328/1363Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Finally - an exercise program we can all live with.

Healthy Living in America 

We get bombarded daily with healthy living advice; workout video tapes,
specialty diet foods, exercise regimes, expensive machines, and book 
after book after book of low carb, low cal, low this and low that 
recommendations.  All a person has to do is look at a billboard, or a 
commercial or an ad in a magazine to realize that “thin is in”. 

The vast majority of companies use these ‘healthy' models a) in an
attempt to catch our attention, and b) to show us what we'll look like 
if we use their product.  Never mind that their product just happens to 
be a toilet deodorizer; subliminally they want us to think “you know, 
if I used ‘Scrubby Blue', I'd end up looking like that 20-something 

Perhaps no group of people actually needs healthy living and exercise
(and ignores it more) than your typical over-weight, middle-aged 
American male. 

Of course, I just happen to be a typical over-weight, middle-aged
American male. 

Not to change the subject, but – I'm 51 and considered ‘middle-aged' ...
all those who think I'll live to be 102, raise your hands.  
Middle-aged, my big, white, cellulite laden butt.  Since the average 
American male lives to be something like 72 years old, middle-aged 
should be 36. 

Tell a 36 year old man that he's middle aged and watch him laugh at you;
or kick your ass. 

Anyway, back to healthy living... 

We middle-aged guys with a spare tire and no motivation need our own
exercise program.  We aren't going to get motivated by looking at thin, 
young women in tights jumping up and down – well, on second thought, we 
ARE going to get motivated by them, just not in the right way. 

What we need is our own exercise plan, one we can stick to and see

And that's why I'm here. 

So get out your pens and paper and start taking notes, guys; I'm here to
help you. 

Any exercise plan should start out slowly, working its way up to – what
those of us in the exercise business call – a “Daily Workout Regime”.  
For most men, the word ‘regime' sounds somewhat like a dictatorship; 
and isn't that what exercise is?  Some plan that controls your mind and 

So it's up to us to do the controlling. 

Here's a one day get-in-shape plan designed specifically for us.  We can
repeat this day as needed. 

The Day – like any lifestyle change, we start on a Monday.  No one
starts an exercise plan on a weekend. 

Monday, 4:30 AM.  We're going to wake up earlier than usual because
we're motivated and determined.  But being middle aged men, we realize 
that our hearts aren't in the best of shape, and jumping headfirst into 
some exercise plan like this right off the bat could make the old 
ticker break down.  So we pour ourselves a glass of orange juice and 
climb into the recliner.  Ah, isn't that better?  We're already feeling 
better pumping our bodies full of Vitamin C. 

Monday, 5:15 AM.  Okay, our hearts have had time enough to settle down
from all of this early morning activity (you know what I mean, one 
glass of orange juice = two trips to the bathroom + one more glass of 
orange juice + one more bathroom trip = 45 calories burnt).  So now 
it's time to start some serious exercise; immediately after one more 
trip to the bathroom. 

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