George and Gina (standard:humor, 8062 words)
Author: hvysmker	Added: Sep 07 2006	Views/Reads: 3121/2066	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Sci Fi and Humor. Long 8k The travails, and travels, of an intelligent planet.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

“Wonder if they got parts?”  Spike called back loudly, thumping being
heard through the ceiling.  The Filthy Mongrels were soon on the move, 
to the everlasting delight of local law enforcement. 

“I say, Lady Cynthia.  Would you like to have a change, rather?”  Lord
James was reading his newspaper and saw the ad.  “I think I can get a 
heavy lifter for the castle, don't you know?” 

“Hey, Bruce,”  Trent asked his friend, “Here's a place we can afford. 
Plenty of room to be ourselves.”  He and his lover checked over the ad 
and Trent reached for the telephone.  They told their friends, and soon 
several thousand prejudiced against gay pink elephants changed 
residences. 

“The Lord giveth,  my children,”  Reverend Jones of the Universal Church
of Loose Ends told his congregation, “He hath provided.”  The members 
of his church filed out to sell their homes and give notice to 
landlords.   Half a million souls soon to be on their way to George. 

All over the known galaxy, cheap rent drew tenants.  The rich, the poor,
the misunderstood, the outright crazies.  A normal planetary mix. 

They came in space yachts.  They came in campers, in rented space ships,
even hidden in boxes through the Intergalactic Mail.  Some hitchhiked 
across the galaxy, and in every way imaginable, and a few in strange 
ways.  For instance, there was Johnny Gates, who came in chains, the 
prison at Alphosx III being both full and not being able to stand his 
complaining.  You see, Johnny was a lawyer, a species dreaded across 
the Galaxy. 

Still, a planet -- and George wasn't a small one -- can take a lot of
population.  He had his share of cities and infrastructure.  The latter 
was in fairly good shape after all those years.  With nothing else to 
do but humor Gina, George had plenty of time to work on it. 

What he did neglect to mention in his ad was his wanderlust.  George
just couldn't sit still.  He loved the wide open spaces.  When the mood 
hit him, he would just pack up and leave his cares behind. 

George's father sun had been a staid white dwarf.  His attention on a
cute red giant drifting nearby.  With the resulting lack of attention, 
George took the opportunity to gradually, over billions of Earth years, 
drift away into space.  When the young planet figured he was far enough 
away, he had yelled a goodbye and scooted across space.  By that time, 
Papa's gravity was too weak to stop him. 

He had been a happy planetary bachelor until that damn Roach Opera. 

*** 

Johnny Gates, threatening lawsuits against his silent guards -- despite
their earplugs -- was unceremoniously dropped off on the cracked tarmac 
of George's spaceport. 

“And the broccoli was overcooked,” he told deaf ears as they took off
his cuffs and leg chains.  Climbing back in the police ship, they threw 
out his briefcase, bouncing his computer off the tarred surface, and 
lifted off.  “I saw that, you oafs.  Malfeasance of Duty, I'll get 
right on it, you can be sure,”  he yelled at the already lifting craft. 


Looking around, Johnny saw nobody else in the immediate area.  There was
a lot of activity in the distance but apparently the police from 
Alphosx III didn't want to be seen dropping off a lawyer.  They had 
dropped him in a remote corner of the vast open space. 

“Now, how the hell do I get to civilization, or whatever this is?”  he
wondered, dreading a long walk. 

About that time, as he stood alone on the surface, Johnny saw a lone
vehicle heading toward him.  It was a sort of taxi, he thought.  It 
helped to have "taxi" emblazoned on its top and sides.  The vehicle 
stopped next to him.  It was driverless.  Johnny stood and glared at 
the empty auto. 

“Well,” he finally asked, “are you going to pick up my bag and open the
door for me?”  he finally asked the nobody driving.  The vehicle sat 
waiting.  After a while, it started to move away. 

“All right, I get the message.  Hold on.”  Johnny picked his own things
up and opened his own door.  Some civilization, he thought, getting in. 
“I hope you know I'm going to sue your boss?”  he told the nobody. 

“Feel free, I don't have a boss,”  a laughing George told him, driving
away.  “What kinda place you want, mac.  I got condos, I got town 
houses, I got nice apartments, I got not so nice apartments, I got 
lousy dirty apartments.  I even got me some fancy estates.  I gotta 
admit though, the estates are filthy, they had a case of Gina.” 

“What are the rents on a nice apartment, with or without Ginas?”  Johnny
asked. 

“58.98 credits without and free with, Gina that is.” 

“Is this Gina catching, will I get sick?” 

“Na.  Well you might that is, she'll talk your head off.” 

“Diseases talk here, I'll sue.” 

“Nope, don't got no Sues, just Gina.  And now a whole lot'ta new fellas.
I don't know them yet though.” 

“You mean Gina is a woman?  A woman what?”  This was a modern Galaxy
with many different races, all equal under the law -- except for the 
Roaches, that is.  Roaches were slightly less equal than excrement.  
Not that there weren't any nice Roach families, just in general. 

“Woman human like you.” 

“Okay, I don't have much, actually no, money.  I'll take one with Gina I
guess.” 

“Hokey Dokey,”  George told him, taking the Camcrumpet Expressway to the
Cacrumville exit.  “Good.  She's getting bored with just me to talk 
to.” 

“And just who are you?  I don't see anybody.” 

“Why, I'm your friendly planet, George, at your service.” 

“Planet? George?” 

“Sure, that's it. Planet George.  The whole damn thing, that's me.” 
George told him proudly. 

They stopped at a large apartment house.  It looked expensive but the
purple grass was over a foot high.  They'd better mow it, Johnny 
thought, or he'd sue the landlord, or could he? Of course he could, 
he'd never sued a whole planet before, but it must be under 
Intergalactic Law.  He would have to check when he got settled in and 
found a few clients.  Johnny knew the value of money.  He couldn't do a 
damn thing without it. 

George let him out, this time opening the door for Johnny, who picked up
his meager luggage and went inside. 

He had to go more than halfway up in the big building before finding a
reasonably clean apartment.  They were a mess.  As though someone moved 
in, tore them up, and moved out again. 

Johnny found the place comfortable, a huge suite.  It even had food in
the cupboard.  No fresh bread -- George was behind in his baking -- but 
there were plenty of boxed crackers.  George was a hard worker, for a 
planet, but couldn't keep up with the whole thing himself.  That was 
one reason he needed a population.  He could only mow so many lawns at 
one time. 

Johnny made himself a meal of canned cheese and crackers.  Then he went
into his new living room and sat down to plan his future.  It was nice 
to get out of that damned jail, even though he had been living in the 
executive suite.  The warden had been scared of lawyers. 

No sooner did Johnny sit down than the phone rang.  It was George. 

“You're the only resident in that area, Mr. Gates, can I call you
Johnny?”  George asked him, “I wondered what weather you would like 
tomorrow?  Gina's had her turn the last million or so years, now you 
can have your favorite.” 

“Oh, let me think.  Sunny and clear sounds good.  Thanks, George.”  He
even forgot to threaten.  Kinda tired though, wait until tomorrow, 
Johnny thought. 

*** 

On the way, George and Johnny had seen but hardly noticed a convoy of
rocket cycles crossing the expressway at a red light.  It was Spike, 
Dirty Dog, and their entourage.  The group were headed for the sunset, 
or as close to it as they could get on a land based journey. 

Since it was almost dark, and with no place in particular in mind, the
group stopped in the city of Jaxill, a rather small city as cities go.  
Of course the stopped at a liquor store, provisionally the only 
business they could see with a light on and open for business. 

“You guys wait out here, me and DD are going in for some booze,”  Spike
told his mob.  The gang had parked their cycles in a circle, rocket 
exhausts all pointing to the center.  That way they could cook some 
fish they caught on the way.  They figured on having a trademark 
drunken orgy, then sacking out for the night.  It wasn't the gang's 
custom to drive while drunk.  The fish were gutted and hung from a 
skyhook behind the engines which were turned on, in idle. 

“Hey, anyone here?”  DD asked, seeing no one behind the counter. 

“Yes, sir.  What's your pleasure?”  A pleasant female voice asked,
seeming to come from all directions.  The two looked around, waiting 
for someone to come from behind something.  Finally Spike asked. 

“Where you at?” An original inquiry. 

“I'm here, what you want?  We got a special on roach wine, it's in
season?  Or some nice Erzstx Whiskey, guaranteed to go to your head, 
not your ass?  And then there's our Xurgastrom Gin.  It will...? 

“Where the hell you at, bitch?  Show yourself or we'll kick your ass,
and I do mean now.”  Dirty Dog was getting impatient. 

There was a sudden clap of thunder.  Rain came down in a deluge, both
inside and outside the store, drenching fish and cyclists, including 
Spike and DD.  A deep throaty voice intoned angrily. 

“It's not nice to fuck with nature,”  George said, in an angry male
voice. 

The rain increased in volume, rain inside the store knocked displays
down, with water getting deep on the floor. 

“Sorry.  Sorry, sir,”  Dirty Dog managed to get out while groveling on
the wet floor.  The rain and thunder stopped as suddenly as it had 
begun.  Everything was dry again.  Through the door, they could hear 
cursing in a dozen languages. 

“Now, can I help you, sir?  As I was saying, the Xurgastrom Gin was a
special buy and, being a white beverage, goes well with fish,”  the 
sweet female voice asked. 

“Take your word for it, miss.  Give us a dozen bottles, .... Please,” 
Spike had to force the unaccustomed word out. 

“Thank you for your business, sir.”  A package appeared on the counter,
“That will be 68.23 credits Sir, if you please.”  Spike put a 70 credit 
bill on the counter, and 1.77 credits appeared at the same time the 
bill left.  “Thank you again, sir.  And please don't make any messes 
outside.” 

“No, don't worry, miss, we won't,” Dirty Dog assured her. 

The gang still didn't know who was in charge, but did know it wasn't
them. 

*** 

Lady Cynthia and Lord James arrived in a huge rental space ship, needed
since it included a very large but ancient castle.  The cargo ship was 
a giant box on steroids.  There were rocket engines and a space inside 
for extra large cargos.  A six inch command module full of computer 
molecules ran the ship, along with an ecological system in the rear.  
The Lord and Lady, with their large stock of kippers and caviar, rode 
inside the castle.  With Star Based television, they took little notice 
of the trip itself. 

Since their telephones, television, and teleporter still worked, they
might as well have stayed in their old location. 

They did have to step out and stand aside as the castle was unloaded
onto George.  It was an Intergalactic Regulation, no passenger allowed 
while loading or unloading a castle or other large building.  The only 
exception, by law and special addict, being Roach Castles or Hotels.  A 
Roach who wanted to leave a planet was helped in any way possible. 

“Any place special you want this thing?”  a voice came from nowhere. 

“A nice mountain top would be nice, please,”  the lady answered, long
accustomed to faceless servants.  A bodyless one wasn't all that much 
of a stretch. 

“With a Southern exposure, please,”  the Lord interjected, “My
arthritis, don't you know.  I need the sun.” 

“Papa isn't around these days,”  the voice told them, whimsically, “I
can place a fake one close by though, it should do.”  George had 
installed a number of artificial suns around himself, plugged into his 
North Pole.  One could be moved easily.  “And what about climate, sir?  
I have a full range available.” 

“Rather?  I suppose a nice dry heat would be good for my ailments, sir.”
 The lady decided, “Oh, and a nice field for our polo ponies would be 
nice, thank you.” 

*** 

Bruce and his lover Trent simply took a taxi into town where they bought
matching pink dump trucks and found a barn with doorways large enough 
for them, a ground floor apartment that could accommodate elephants.  
Their friends would be along in a few days, clearing up business first. 
 George would soon have a large, even if not self sustaining, 
population of gay pink elephants.  Perhaps the largest such in the 
galaxy. 

The Reverend Jones and his membership took over an abandoned city in the
south, one Gina had never gotten around to visiting. 

With the help of a busy George, new colonists were settling all over the
planet.  Having many simultaneous personas, he took care of each of 
them personally.   It was a fun time for George. 

*** 

One night, when nobody was watching closely, George being busy in other
places, a rusty space craft landed in an out of the way area of the 
planet.  The craft contained Zebidiah Zebisnski and his family.  A 
family of dread Roaches. 

Now, Roaches can be sweet and fun neighbors.  It's been known to happen.
 Maybe once in a millennium.  But, most were like the Zebisnski family, 
simply pests.  They made Gina seem like a neatness freak.  Roaches 
caused fights, stole anything they could get away with and, if it were 
too big to move, killed or maimed it.  Not what you would like in a 
neighbor. 

Roach planets are always crowded -- no exceptions.  They're, like with
lawyers, used to sneaking around for new homes.  In time, they become 
sophisticated and learned friends.  But that takes millions of years on 
each individual Roach planet.  Eventually, they will reach the Opera 
stage of their culture, then suddenly digress to their original nature. 


The Zebisnski family contained only ninety-six members including Zeb,
his wife Myrtle and a very nice, but flighty, daughter named Trina.  
Young Trina, five-foot-nine in height in her stocking feet and standing 
on her back legs, was considered the white sheep of the family.  She 
kept her nest clean, as well as herself, and played the six string 
tuba. 

Trina was especially enthused at their new planet.  It was her first
opportunity to split off and find herself a new home, away from the 
family influence.  She yearned to find a place for herself in "polite" 
society. 

“Poppy.  Sorry to leave you guys, but I just have to find my own way in
the world,”  she told her father while hugging her mother with four of 
her arms.  The rest of the family appeared uninterested, although they 
all knew she was leaving the new nest. 

The family had picked a high class apartment house and were busy making
it homey.  Some were throwing things around and having fun.  Others 
were backed up to walls, spraying excrement around.  Trina had to be 
careful, in her fancy red dress with yellow flower prints, not to get 
splashed. 

She had to pass a trio urinating in the stairwell, watching the stream
flow downstairs.  Yes, those were the fun parts she hated to miss.  But 
Trina had a dream.  Her dream was to be accepted by other races.  She 
was determined to achieve it, even if she missed a lot of fun.  The 
girl roach had learned discipline from her tuba lessons.  Not 
everything in life was meant to be fun. 

The outside of the building was already accumulating with old cars on
blocks.  Even as she passed them, some of her brothers and sisters were 
tearing the doors off a new looking car. 

Trina found a taxi waiting at the curb, having no idea how it knew she
was leaving. 

“Where to, lady?”  George asked.  It was his planet.  Nobody could tell
him he couldn't spy anywhere he damned well pleased. 

“I don't know, mister.  Somewhere I can make friends, I guess,”  she
told him, “I just don't seem to fit in here.”  Tears came to her 
multiple eyes.  Fastidiously, she took off her panties to wipe them, 
not wanting to sully her dress. 

“I know just the place, miss, an apartment in Cacrumville.  It's got a
couple of nice people there.  I know you'll like Gina.” 

“Oh, would you?  Thank you, mister.”  Trina wiped her eyes and dressed
again. 

“One other thing,” George told her, “since I can do anything I want, how
would you like to appear like a human to other people.” 

“You can do that?”  She didn't believe it, nobody could do that. 

“Sure can.  I'm George, I don't run this planet -- I am this planet.  I
know everything that's ever happened here.”  Well, actually he didn't, 
but she didn't have to know that.  After all, he rarely got a chance to 
brag when Gina was the only one around to brag to.  For instance, he 
hadn't known the roaches were there until after they were settled.   If 
he would have, they would never have been allowed to land.  But, on the 
other hand, this one seemed nice, and a planet needed a few Roaches 
around, didn't it? 

Trina looked down at herself, she appeared normal to herself, with all
six legs.  It was after dark when they arrived.  George turned the 
outside lights on so she wouldn't get dirty.  Trina, like Johnny, had 
to go about halfway up in the building to find a clean apartment.  Of 
course what was clean to Trina wasn't necessarily the same as to a 
human.  She was used to a lot of filth. 

*** 

George had a habit of delivering milk and bread to each occupied
apartment, a little quirk of his.  He was a pretty conservative planet, 
and believed that if you took care of the little things, the big ones 
would take care of themselves. 

A week later, Johnny wanted toast for breakfast, so he stepped out into
the hall for fresh bread.  He saw a gorgeous blonde girl in the 
hallway, completely naked yet.  As a Roach, which was the way Trina 
still saw herself in her mirror, she didn't bother to dress for the 
occasion, only going out for bread. 

Trina, hearing a door open, looked over and saw Johnny.  She smiled a
pretty roach smile. 

“Good morning, sir.  How are you this morning?”  she asked, picking up
her own milk and bread. 

“Uh, uh, I ... I ... hello there.”  Johnny wondered if he should remind
her of her undressed condition, “Nice day, isn't it?”  He went back 
inside, closed the door and backed up, leaning against it with heart 
pounding wildly.  “What the hell?” 

*** 

Gina got up that morning.  As she went out for her milk and bread, she
wondered who had moved into the building.  On the way to the store, the 
day before, she had seen doors left open and dust disturbed in the 
corridors. 

While eating breakfast, she had an idea.   She would get up early in the
morning and check the hallways.  If she found bread and milk outside an 
apartment it would mean it was occupied.  The only other sign she had 
seen, so far anyway, of new residents was when she heard a lot of noise 
outside.  Gina had looked out her window, seeing a bunch of rocket 
cycles going by. 

Of course she knew George was encouraging renters, but didn't think they
would be around in her area for a while.  After all, it was a large 
planet. 

*** 

The next morning, a curious Gina got up early and dressed.  Peeking her
head out of her current apartment, she looked both ways, seeing no milk 
bottles.  Looking down, hers were there.  Putting her own milk in the 
refrigerator, she put on her shoes and began her search. 

On another corridor of her floor, Gina found two sets of milk and bread.
 Noting the apartment numbers, she kept searching.  It took about an 
hour, but she found no more goodies in the entire building. 

Gina then went back to the two she had already found.  Sitting on a
chair at the end of the hallway, she waited. 

Now Gina wasn't bad looking for a three hundred year old woman, her
family had always been long lived in a long lived society.  Also, years 
on George tended to vary a great deal.  Sometimes he felt cold and 
moved really close to a sun, and some suns were tiny and cool.  Other 
times, with the larger suns, he stayed a long ways from their excessive 
heat.  And of course there were times while traveling, when time in 
effect stood still.  So, you see, you can't go strictly by her age.  
But it was old by Earth standards.  She was in fairly good shape, even 
though she had let herself go the last hundred or so.  And, of course, 
George could make her look as young as she wanted. 

But she couldn't hold the proverbial candle, nor even an Alphassaian
lighted mite which is tiny indeed  -- take my word for it -- to the 
girl she saw coming out for her milk and bread.  That girl was 
gorgeous, with long blonde hair and a fantastical shape.  And she was 
naked at that, so Gina knew she wasn't hiding anything.  Gina was 
immediately jealous, at first sight. 

Still, it was someone to talk to, and she'd had only George to talk to
for the last hundred years or so. 

Gina went over quickly, to catch the woman before she went inside. 

“Hey!  Hi there, neighbor,”  she greeted Trina, whom jumped back in
surprise. 

“Oh, hello.  You surprised me.”  Trina smiled her best winning Roach
smile, while missing the stability of six legs.  “Come on in and have 
some breakfast.” 

*** 

Johnny had been up all night studying his Intergalactic Law books, as
condensed and impressed onto a line of tightly woven molecules under 
his eyeballs.  It was comprised of  three-hundred-seventy-seven volumes 
in the compressed version, referenced and cross referenced according to 
several criteria. 

Yawning, he looked at his watch and saw it was getting close to
breakfast time.  After talking to George, he had learned that there 
were no other lawyers on the planet. 

At first he was thinking of accepting George's offer to be a judge, then
changed his mind.  Instead, he wanted to start the planet's first law 
school in a million years.  Either would solve his money problem, since 
George paid well.  The only fly in the ointment was that he had to draw 
up an agreement, and sign it.  One saying he was not to ever sue George 
for anything.   For a lawyer, that was unheard of.  The very thought 
made him shudder. 

In any case, Johnny went out to get his bread and milk.  Seeing it was
already collected from the door down the hall, he thought it a good 
time to get acquainted.  Going over, he knocked on the door.  The 
lovely blonde girl opened it.  She gave him her trademark smile. 

“Oh, another neighbor?  Come on in, neighbor.” 

Trina showed him into her living room.  He was surprised to see another
woman there. 

“Have you met Gina?  She lives here too.  We've been having a nice talk.
Gina has lived here for ages.” 

The three introduced themselves. 

“And what do you do, Johnny?”  Gina asked him, sipping her coffee. 

“I'm going to start a law school here on George.” 

“Oh, goody.  We need more law.”  Gina was impressed.  He was handsome,
she thought, even if he was a lawyer. 

“Why you going to do something like that?”  Trina wasn't as impressed. 
Roaches didn't care much for things like law or police. 

“To help people,”  Johnny told her, chomping on some toast.  Maybe they
could get George to bake sweet rolls, he thought. 

“Why?  I mean how do laws help people?  All they do is stop you from
having fun,”  Trina continued, getting angry. 

“Without law, people take advantage of other people.  It sort of makes
things even,”  he told her. 

“But it's the lawyers who take advantage of other people.” 

“No we don't.  We just make sure they follow laws that legislators make
up.” 

“But, we ain't got none.  Legislators that is.  If we ain't got no
legislators, we ain't got no laws either.  If we ain't got no laws, we 
don't need no freaking lawyers.”  Trina was getting mad.  Lawyers 
always made life hard for Roaches, trying to make them clean up their 
messes, stop yelling, get rid of their junk autos, and that sort of 
thing. 

“Well, young lady, I'm going to make more lawyers, and you better get
used to it.  And George said we can have politicians too.” 

“Then throwing you out of here isn't illegal, not yet I hope.  Beat it
you bum.”  Trina stood up and pointed at the door. 

Seeing no recourse, Johnny got up and left.  Not being a trial lawyer,
he had never learned to argue worth a damn. 

Johnny didn't know what to think when he got back to his apartment.  The
prettiest girl, or so he thought, on his floor was mad at him.  Hell, 
she might be the prettiest girl on that part of the planet for all he 
knew, and the other one wasn't bad looking either.  Kinda hard eyed 
though.  He had seen eyes like that before, on very old women who had 
seen it all. 

At least, with the lack of population, he wouldn't have to move. 
Lawyers usually lived in the same immediate area of each other, since 
other people didn't understand, or want them around.  Johnny figured 
they were slightly higher than Roaches in popularity.  But they were 
usually rich and powerful -- so that made up for it. 

He also didn't know that Trina really had a crush on him.  The way she
figured, it would make her look good to her family, to have a lawyer 
boyfriend.  They could use him in many ways, especially for free. 

When her and Gina parted, Trina went into her room to cry, at losing her
temper at the handsome man.  Gina, more abrupt, simply went over and 
knocked on his door.  Over the centuries she had learned it was better 
to be direct.  The worse that could happen, since she was an expert in 
Kunk-quat and Judo, was that she would have to beat his ass. 

“Hi, Johnny.  Just stopping in to say hello?”  Gina smiled, sticking her
foot against the inside of the door to keep him from shutting it.  
Another trick she had learned, like then stepping forward before he 
could stop her.  That way he would either have to invite her in or 
shove her backward bodily. 

“Uh, come on in.  Gina, was it?”  He stepped out of her way before being
run over. 

“Oh, a nice apartment. I could use a cup of coffee, unless you have
something stronger?” 

“Yeah, the previous tenant left some whiskey around here somewhere.”  He
went to a cabinet, found a bottle of Mandingo Cornpie Whiskey, and 
brought it back to the kitchen.  Gina was already sitting down, two 
empty glasses in front of her. 

“I don't have anything to mix it with.  I mean, there might be, but I
don't know where.  I've been busy and haven't searched the place yet,”  
he half apologized, sitting down with her. 

“That's all right, I can drink it straight.”  She poured them each half
a glass.  “So, how you like George?” 

“He's different.  I never lived on a live planet before.  But he could
be in trouble, what with inviting all these people in.  I'll bet it's 
not long before he gets infected with Roaches.” 

“Come on, Johnny...honey.  Everybody has Roaches.  It's a fact of life.”
 When he didn't react to her "honey," she was encouraged.  You see, 
after hundreds of years -- even George years -- of forced chastity, a 
lady gets certain feelings.  And Gina was never one to hide hers. 

Among her many centuries, and their ups and downs, she had a great many
stints as housewife, businesswoman, layabout and whore.  Occasionally 
the whore part came to the fore. 

Johnny took a sip of his own drink, looking at the woman across the
table from him.  He had picked up on the word, and didn't think it 
applied to bees, at least not directly.  Maybe birds and bees? 

But that was just the way a lawyer processed data -- thinking of all the
ramifications.  Like all in his profession, he weighed each word, 
bouncing different meanings around the inside of his skull like ping 
pong balls in a National Lottery ball mixer. 

When he sat his glass back down, Gina's hand landed on top his.  Their
eyes met, her hard eyes softening, getting deeper, dragging him in. 

“I don't mind Roaches,” a voice came from nowhere.  It broke the mood. 
Of course it was George.  “Except when they give Operatic Performances. 
 And then take my population.”  They could hear him sobbing, “and I 
thought I was a good landlord.  I tried to be, really.”  He sounded so 
sad. 

“Now, now, George,” Gina tried to console the planet, “we know you do,
don't we, Johnny?”  She squeezed Johnny's hand with hers. 

“Yes, George,” he told the planet, “you're a good landlord.  The best
I've had, and that's a fact.  And the most intelligent too.” 

“You really think so?  I've never been good at math though, and laws
leave me cold.  Whenever I try a Transcendental binary calculation the 
ice builds up at my poles.” 

“Then why do you do them?”  Gina asked, curious.  She didn't know what
the hell he was talking about. 

“Well, every once in a while I feel like seeing my mother, over by Alpha
Centauri.  I always seem to miscalculate and end up somewhere else.  I 
never get it right.” 

“What you need is a good computer to help you.  It would do all the
calculations for you,”  Johnny told him. 

“They cost a lot of credits though, and I'm way in debt for maintenance
costs,”  George replied, “It costs a lot of credits to run an empty 
planet.  I'll have to wait until I get more rent money, before I do 
anything like that.” 

That took both of them by surprise.  They had never figured on a planet
having money problems.  What could they say? 

“But, uh...well, what happens if you don't pay your debts?”  Gina had to
ask. 

“I hate to think about it, Gina.  It's horrible.  My creditors would
send big machines and take everything of value from me, minerals, 
water, air, everything.”  The planet shuddered in a minor earthquake at 
the thought.  The living room shook, a roaring sound coming in through 
the vibrating glass of Johnny's window. “That's how many moons are 
formed, from depleted planets.  They'd just strip me and sell me in 
slavery to some other planet.” 

“Damn.  We have to do something about that.”  Johnny was shocked. 

“Oh, no!  We can't let that happen, George,”  Gina, equally shocked, all
thoughts of sex driven out of her mind, answered. 

*** 

Zebidiah Zebisnski and his wife Myrtle sped down the Camcrumpet
Expressway in their remodeled pickup truck.  Remodeled by removing two 
fenders and the rear bumper.  Elmer Roach, their son had also banged it 
around with a tack hammer to make it looked lived in.  The two were 
returning from a visit to Chiaago. 

The cargo space at the rear was full of dried pig shit, a roach
delicacy.  When they'd lived on the planet Earth they counld't afford 
pig shit.   Here, it was lying around like ... well, like pig shit. 

“Hey, Zeb.  Ya think we could stop for a pee?”  Myrtle asked, rubbing
her crotch with four of her legs. 

“Yep, we gonna do that.” 

He pulled into a circular driveway beside a newly painted pink apartment
building -- right up by the door.  Elmer had also busted the reverse 
gear for them, so they couldn't back up to leave. 

While Myrtle was backed up to the front door, getting ready to spurt,
Elmer used a back tire for his own relief. 

They heard a loud roar, rapidly growing louder.  It was accompanied by
the whoosh of jet engines as a group of Filthy Mongrels sped past.  
With a screech of brakes, they came back and drove into the drive. 

“Roaches, dirty bastards,"  Jumping Jimmy yelled from his dirty muzzle,
paws revving up his cycle. 

“We hate Roaches, but they done stomps gooder.”  Educated Elbert
laughed, getting off his bike. 

“I got an idea, let's stomp these,” Blacky suggested, “I's got on my
stompin' boots.” 

“Go get them bastards, Blacky.”  Goober grinned, starting forward
himself. 

Zeb spun away from the truck, still spraying potent liquid.  The
Mongrels knew better than to mess with Roach pee.  The brave bikers 
turned and ran at Myrtle, who still squatted. 

Bikers and Roaches were surprised when five huge pink elephants
barrel-assed through the doors. 

“Oh, Bruce, look at the doggies, I like doggies,”  Trent cried out
happily. Picking up Blacky like a puppy and petting him on the head.  
All four deadly boots scrambling in mid air, Blacky could only whine 
and bark like the doggy he was.  His teeth didn't phase Trent's thick 
hide. 

In moments, the Filthy Mongrels were reduced to a pack of whining dogs. 
To his surprise, Goober found he liked it.  When no one was looking, he 
licked Bruce's cheek. 

“Let's give them a bath.  What do you say buddies?  Wouldn't that be
just, just super?”  Trent added. 

Zeb and Myrtle, thinking themselves saved, headed for their truck to get
out of there.  They were stopped by a lesbian Elephant named Peggy, who 
thought Myrtle was cute.  The two Roaches soon joined the not so Dirty 
Dogs in a hot bath, and were scrubbed squeaky clean by the Pink 
Elephants. 

When the Roaches finally left, they found their load of crap all done up
neatly in cardboard boxes tied with pretty ribbons.  Someone had even 
thought to wash and paint the truck and cycles. 

*** 

Reverend Jones took over a large cluster of college buildings for his 
Universal Church of Loose Ends.  A Large town nearby was earmarked for 
housing his projected membership of half a million current 
parishioners.   Two nearby towns were to contain new members.  He named 
the town Jonestown, after another famous preacher, and the whole area 
Guiana. 

The good preacher set up his offices in a nearby Cool-Aid factory, of
course abandoned for the last million George years. 

As his people came to George, Reverend Jones immediately set them to
work in cutting grass and trimming trees, also cleaning up houses and 
apartments.  Reverend Jones wanted a neat, Christian, city.  At the 
moment, Jones was cleaning the lunchroom of a cyanide rat poison 
factory.  He had to do his part, along with the others. 

As he cleaned, he considered starting up all those factories.  He must
have plenty of ex-business types in his new parish, he figured.  Why 
not make a profit for the Church? 

“Give me a sign, Lord, if you want me to go into the poison and Cool-Aid
business,”  the reverend yelled to the empty room.  There was a huge 
rumbling, and the very ground shook under him.  “Thank you Lord.”  The 
Reverend Jones started a campaign to not only make new members for his 
church, but to stress the joining of business people. 

Since a lot of the new planetary residents were unemployed, they
welcomed the work.  So what if they had to profess interest in the 
religion.  It didn't hurt any, and they did get a job.  The movement 
was to spread throughout the continent, then to other parts of George. 

The more money Jones spent, the more he got it back tenfold, like in the
Good Book.  His success escalated.  His church was, from the start, one 
of the richest groups to move to George, and soon it's biggest 
employer. 

*** 

On the other side of George, Lord James and Lady Cynthia also invested
their wealth to make George a better place to live.  Needing a steady 
supply of luxury goods, they started their own factories to manufacture 
them.  Also, since it was traditional in their family, they started 
many farms.  It meant bringing in more colonists, which increased 
George's population, and the need for more farms and factories to 
supply the new people, as well as give them jobs.  Once started, the 
cycle escalated. 

The more people living on George, the less maintenance he had to do
personally.  Plumbers moved in and did the plumbing, Electricians took 
the slack in his electrical repairing duties.  And, best of all, people 
started mowing lawns themselves. 

George soon began taxing the population, and was finally paying on his
massive debts.  He even raised his rents, from almost nothing to very 
little. 

But a population brought troubles.  The dirty head of politics raised
itself.  Communities argued with each other, then fist fights broke out 
between them.  So far George could handle it himself.  After all, a 
planet has quite a bit of power if it wants to throw its weight around. 


Give a town a weeks deluge of rain, for instance, and it cools off.  If
not, just bake it under a hot sun for awhile.  George, being a nice guy 
at heart, didn't like that kind of thing.  He had to let the people 
form some sort of government. 

George sighed heavily, shrugged another minor earthquake, and went to
the only person he knew that could help, Johnny Gates, the lawyer. 

*** 

By that time, Gina had her way, and was moved in with Johnny Gates. 
Johnny was almost ready to start his law school. 

He had a building picked out, a former court house with plenty of fresh
paper and computers available.  It even had a complete set of 
Intergalactic law books, written on paper.  A necessary item for a law 
school. 

The lawyer had even hired Trina Roach as a secretary.  She had gotten
over her anger, and liked the idea of working at a real job.  The first 
roach to do so in her family history.  All she had to do was answer a 
telephone that didn't work yet.  She was learning to type, and could 
shuffle papers with the best of them, although there weren't any 
"them's" around yet.  George, among many, many, other things, was 
teaching her.  A planetary brain like George's could do many thousands 
of things simultaneously. 

“I don't know, George,”   Johnny had to admit, “starting a planetary
government from scratch isn't easy.  Guess you'll need one eventually 
though.” 

“Soonest, Johnny,” George told him, “I feel an urge to try to see Mama
again.  It takes a lot of my attention.  I need some sort of government 
to help out during the trip.” 

“Then, I think what you need is some sort of dictator.  Temporarily, of
course.  It's the easiest to set up.  All you have to do is pick 
someone and let them have their way.  Of course, you have to back them 
up, with prisons, torture, and stuff.” 

“How I do that?  I had a democracy before, but they all left.  I could
handle Gina by myself, but with hundreds of thousands of residents now, 
it takes all my time just to keep an eye on them.” 

“Don't you have anybody in mind?   You have a lot of people to choose
from.” 

“Just you.  I need someone who know laws.  Otherwise I might get into
trouble with the Interplanetary Council.  Violating rights or 
environment laws or something.” 

“Why not Gina?  She knows how you like things?”  Johnny asked, “I can be
the legal advisor, and still run my school.  Just think, while you're 
traveling, I can drop new lawyers off all along the route.” 

“How long does it take?  To train a lawyer, that is?”  George was
curious. 

“With modern learning technology, about six months.  I just kinda stamp
the law books into their brains with a machine.  Then spend some time 
indexing the books and training the students how to use the index,”  
Johnny told the planet, “A few classes on public speaking and courtroom 
procedures.  That sort of thing.  Then a lot of self defense classes, 
how to use firearms, and they're lawyers.” 

“Can you train politicians too?”  George asked. 

“Easy, lawyers make good politicians, they complement each other.” 

Gina liked the idea.  It took seven months before the first set of
lawyers was ready.  Most of them stayed on George and went into 
politics, with Gina in charge. 

When they started, and took the load off George, he could take off to
find his mama. 

*** 

Of course, George got lost again. He spent many years ambling around the
known, and in some cases unknown, Galaxy.  George enjoyed the trip 
though, and when he finally ran out of steam, ended up at the fringes 
of the galaxy. 

He found himself way out in the sticks, to coin a phrase, swinging
around a nice yellow dwarf star.  She only had two, barren, planets 
herself, and was glad to have his company.  It got so lonely out in the 
fringes of the Universe.  A rather young sun, she was attracted to the 
mature, and now nicely populated George.  In her eyes, George only had 
two failings.  He was infested, by then, with both roaches and lawyers. 


Both had been multiplying since he started his trip.  Zebidiah Zebisnski
and his brood had almost taken over one entire continent, trashing it 
despite Gina's efforts to control them.  They had employed a lot of 
Johnny's graduates to represent them in court.  The rest of Johnny's 
lawyers were employed by Gina to fight the Roaches lawyers.  And both 
were constantly proliferating.  There were even some Roach lawyer 
politicians.  The lowest of the lowest of the low. 

Since the roaches were mostly on welfare and had public defenders, taxes
had to be raised to pay lawyers.   Busy with traveling, and now having 
a girlfriend, George had been leaving his surface to Gina and Johnny to 
run. 

Having a new home, George turned back to internal matters.  He found
Gina overwhelmed with strife and rebellion.  The filthy mongrels were 
also bringing lawsuits, even Lord James and Lady Cynthia had been 
convinced by a roach lawyer to file a lawsuit.  Only the gay Elephants 
had resisted, locking themselves into their buildings and threatening 
to stomp on any lawyers stupid enough to force their way in.  There 
were bloody spots all around their buildings. 

“You're all fired!”  George yelled.  When a planet yells, you know it. 
Gina and the others ran out of the Planetary Administration Building.  
As soon as they were out, the building exploded, as George's anger hit 
it full force.  Hundreds of useless bureaucrats were trapped in the 
rubble. 

Fed up, George made a deal with his new sun to rent her planets.  He
banished the roaches -- the ones who were unemployed -- on one.  Most 
of the lawyers were banished to the other. 

Gina had to make a decision.  She opted to stay with George, as Johnny
left.  He and the other lawyers threatened George, cursing and 
threatening as they left.  It was suddenly quiet on George, with them 
all gone.  Things settled down again, with George in control. 

A few of the Roaches were musicians.  They taught more of the roaches to
play instruments and an Opera Company was planned.  The lawyers rented 
space ships with money sued from their new host, putting the new planet 
in debt, and built commuter space ships.  They then settled all over 
the galaxy, but not on George, who threatened to kill them on sight.  
Finally, Trina and Gina moved in together and lived happily ever after. 


Charlie


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