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Poor Old Uncle Frank (standard:humor, 1144 words)
Author: stanley mcqueen kentucky backwoods writerAdded: Apr 20 2007Views/Reads: 2370/0Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
short humor backwood setting

Backwood writer Stanley mcqueen Poor O ld Uncle Frank... 

if you ever saw my Uncle Frank you have seen a tall like man with big
long legs and his head is  shaped like a good eggs and little beady 
eyes, his  old broke down shack set right at the leaf fork of the 
little sandy river that run threw Muddy fork county . Frank draws a war 
pension he earns while   fighting those japan fellows over across the 
sea,.. He is the only brother ma has living and he is quite a mess of a 
man he is a whiskey drinking man who don't care hardly for nothing or 
anybody.'. Ma claim he must have took a bad lick in the head in the war 
that has caused him to be so mean and all.. Pa can't stand the site of 
him because he is away getting drunk when he get' his pension ever 
first of each month, and then gets into a racket with some of the 
neighbors that live around these parts. Pa claims the pension the 
government ruined him giving him a war time pension because he took 
bullet in his rear in,, and paw claims he bound to have been running to 
get shot in the  butt.. Me and my friend Lester smith was out just 
roaming around the country side,with not a whole lot to do,so we 
decided to go down to uncle Franks shack and look in on him,and see 
what he was up to .,it was the hottest day we had around here,it being 
mid July and all it was so hot standing corn on the ridges had withered 
and was drying up,looking like it was going to die from the mid summer 
heat.. Me and Lester  slipped in a thicket that was near uncle Franks 
shack and hide so he wouldn't know  we was,here as just snooping 
mostly, just to have something to do. We hadn't been hide long till we 
see Frank stagger from the shack hes” drunk as usually and he come 
wobbling out there like a new born calf,, he is dirty and don't have no 
shoes on his feet and his hair is sticking up like a hay stack that 
been troubled by a wind storm. He come wagging out of that old ragged 
looking shack he calls home, and grabs the porch post .. And we watch 
him as he uses the post as a help for standing up him being so drunk... 
we watch closely from the thicket suddenly he blurt out .. Lord Jesus 
would you be so kind to send a little rain down my way its awful hot he 
spoke loud like. We both could hardly keep from busting out laughing at 
franks Drunk man prayers... Frank returned inside the shack stumbling 
as he walked back inside”...” it was not fifteen or twenty minutes he 
comes back out a little more drunk than he was the first time and 
repeat ..lord would you be so kind to send a little rain down my way 
its awful hot on me today... Lester said lets give him a home made 
shower of rain.. There is a five gallon bucket laying just a little 
ways down the creek there and I go get it and we will fill it with cold 
creek water and i,ll climb  on top of the house and you can signal when 
he coming out , and we will give your drunk uncle a good quick 
shower... i'll” use that old wood ladder that setting beside the out 
house .. That seemed to me right a right cheerful things to do it being 
so blame hot besides we had no better mischief to get into on this 
boring hot afternoon Lester.  retrieved the bucket and filled it from 
the creek and then he slipped out of our hiding place and made it out 
of our hiding place and went to the back part of Franks shack , he then 
come back around the sides and got the latter and then he climbed the 
ladder with the bucket full of water wasn't no time at all that 
Drunk uncle Frank come blundering and staggering right back out and 
grabbed the same post .. And then he looked into the hot cloudless 
skies and   said the most beautiful words he could have said,... lord 
Jesus it me Frank again would you be so kind To send a little rain down 
my way it too hot down here lord.. And right when his prayer was 
finished Lester let him have it,, that five gallon of water split his 
head like a ax blade would split a pine tree it drowned him from head 
to toes.. His shirt was off and I watch the dirt trails off his hide 
follow the water trails off his nasty body.... Then after a moment as I 
watch his reaction to the five-gallon rain shower he had received..”. 
then the old fool wiping his grimy eyes look up into the skies again 
and said these very words ,, lord I never asked for a cloud burst just 
a little rain.. His eye's looks sort of crossed from where I was in the 
thicket, and I just busted out laughing I could not help my self .. And 
when uncle Franks heard my familiar laugh< he hurriedly stagged inside 
the shack to fetch his shot gun. Lester nearly broke his fool neck 
getting off the shack in a hurry because he knew  we had be heard.... 
and that Frank was crazy when he had a snoot full. Lester come around 
the side of that shack making lighting steps and me and him joined up 
and both lite out of there like a dry summer corn shuck would burn.”. 
We hit the main wagon road and was running for our lives.”. And Frank 
owned a double barrel twelve gauge and he kept it load with salt 
pellets, we heard the roar of his old twelve gage and felt the rock 
salt blister our rumps.. Now we are not laughing we are running for our 
rumps sake,. We both got powered good by rock salt .. And finely we got 
down range from that double barrel twelve gage, and examined our  rumps 
to see how much damage the rock salt blast had done.”. We both lived to 
tell about what we had done as a joke to poor old Frank.”. But from 
that day forward we haven't had a hankering to pull any more jokes on 
Uncle Frank Bishop. What was worse that next day pa had me riding a 
mule looking for broken fences , things just could not be worse at the 
present....but like pa always said” things are well that end well ... 
but my rear-end don't feel so cool today......... 

The end


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