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Why Wal-Mart Will Destroy You (standard:humor, 1224 words)
Author: Reid LaurenceAdded: Aug 28 2007Views/Reads: 1798/1104Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
How do millions of people fall prey to huge chain stores? Why do we let ourselves be treated like shopping zombies who make the same mistakes over and over again? To tell you the truth, I still can't put my finger on it, but I sure know what happens...
 



Focusing my eyes on a big red sign in front of me, I read the words off
one by one as I stood gazing in awe... ‘Wun... Hung... Lowe...'  I 
muttered to myself, as a crowd of people fought to keep their places in 
the haphazard line that formed. ‘Wouldya look at that. I can't believe 
they even have a Chinese restaurant here. They have everything! I 
wonder what else I can get here?' I thought, as I looked around in 
disbelief at the huge scale of the building I now stood in the rough 
center of. 

Dodging shopping carts pushed by people who seemed not to notice me, I
didn't mind the slight shoves and blows to the body I received as I 
walked from department to department of seemingly marked down items 
that I and so many others like me were plainly unable to resist. ‘Wow! 
Look at that,' I thought. ‘I can even buy a car at Wal-Mart. This is 
great! I'll surprise Mary with a new car and get all our shopping done 
before she wakes up. This must be Heaven,' I said to myself, making my 
way through the droves of shoppers who crowded the path to the 
dealership as my unsuspecting wife slept through the bustle of Sunday 
morning shoppers. 

Finally, having reached the culmination of my shopping experience, I
grudgingly left the store and packed everything I'd bought that day 
into the waiting semi-truck I'd rented just to make the day, and my 
shopping experience that much more pleasant. The only thing I hadn't 
counted on were all the many people who seemed to have had the same 
idea as me, and countless eighteen wheel trucks lined up in the parking 
lot just waiting their turn to be packed full of groceries; clothing; 
electronics and other such sundries enough to make any red-blooded 
American neighbor as red as a beet. 

After an hour of waiting, it was at last my turn at the loading dock,
and while three tired looking men quickly loaded up the treasures I'd 
purchased with several new lines of credit and a home equity loan, I 
took up my position on the passenger side of the truck and watched as 
the kindly driver attached my new car in tow. With only a mile to 
drive, I could almost see the look on my wife's face as we passed the 
familiar landmarks I'd come to know so well, and when we turned the 
last corner that led to my street, the great feeling of anticipation 
filled the air, and soon our destination had arrived. 

Running inside to gently wake her, I whispered sweet nothings into her
ear and before I knew it, she was alert, rubbing her eyes and asking 
the time... “You better have a good excuse for this you jerk. Why the 
hell would you wake me up on a Sunday? Go on, spit it out. What is 
wrong with your brain? What time is it anyway?” 

“It's eleven o'clock pumpkin. Time to rise and shine. You don't wanna
miss the whole day now do you? Besides, I've got surprises for you I 
know you're gonna love!” 

“You didn't get me that cheap whiskey again, that ‘Canadian Shlub'
stuff? My head still hurts from the last time I drank that swill.” 

“Oh no my dove. These are great surprises, I promise. You won't be let
down,” I said, almost simultaneously as the Wal-Mart truck driver 
knocked three times on our modest front door. 

“Who the hell is that?” asked Mary. “Don't they know it's Sunday?
Tell'em ta get lost.” 

“But honey,” I answered. “These are the surprises I was telling you
about. You just sit there and I'll show you what I bought. And don't 
you worry about what I paid either. I've got it all worked out through 
a banker at Wal-Mart, and for a small loan commission he needed to get 
things moving, he let me take out what you call a HELOC, or a Home 
Equity Line Of Credit. Don't worry, it'll all work out.” 

“You took out a second mortgage ta buy crap we don't need at Wal-Mart?
You're crazier then I thought. Take it back. Take it all back.” 

“But honey lamb, just look at what I got you,” I replied, opening the
door as wide as its hinges would allow, so my adoring wife could get a 
good first look at the new Chevy Corvette the driver was just now 
detaching from its towing apparatus. “Whaddaya think?” I questioned. 
“Isn't it the greatest! Just think how good you'll look in it!” 


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