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The Molar Imperative (standard:humor, 734 words)
Author: C.K.MohanAdded: Apr 12 2001Views/Reads: 2582/1Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A young man's affair with his dentist's wife cannot last forever.

The Molar Imperative 

C.K.Mohan, 6/5/2000 

After thirty years of looking into mouths,  Dr. Sutton retired, and I
was forced to find another dentist.  Having tossed numerous coins to 
assist me in making this decision, I took my teeth to Dr. Ronald 
Barzini, a young but balding dentist who had recently set up shop a 
mile from the building where I sleep better than at home. 

My choice turned out to be lucky: I was ushered around by the prettiest
dental assistant this side of the Mississippi.  Her nametag said she 
was Sue, but did not identify who was to be sued. Happily, she was 
inclined to chat, and lingered a bit longer than I expected. We made 
plenty of eye-contact.  She brushed up against me several times more 
than necessary, and her upper body once teased my biceps as I reclined. 
In other words, I was getting somewhere. 

The only fly in the ointment belonged to the dentist, as I soon
discovered. She had omitted her last name in her nametag just to make 
her husband's patients feel more comfortable.  It makes for a more 
congenial atmosphere not to know that a pretty nurse's husband is 
lurking around the corner. 

Under normal circumstances, I would not have pursued her matter any
further: married women promise big trouble.  But Susan Hilfiger Barzini 
had a little more about her than normal circumstances permit.  Also, my 
well-combed hair, carefully groomed moustache, firm jaw and athletic 
build seemed to have worked some magic on her.  Next to her husband, I 
was Adonis: in the decade that she had been married to him, his center 
of gravity had shifted downwards, and his pillow had accumulated most 
of his hair. So we had to meet again; her hand closed instantly around 
the little piece of paper I passed to her before I left the dentist's 

Two days later, on our first tryst, we did not sit around fully clothed.
It happened again.  And again.  She seemed adroit at being able to get 
away from her work, finding reasonable excuses at will.  It also helped 
that cellular telephones had been invented for us; our meetings took 
only twenty minutes to arrange, thanks to the size of the city we lived 
in. I even started inventing imaginary toothaches just to rub up 
against her right under her husband's nose. 

On my second such visit, unfortunately, I discovered that Sue was no
longer working for her husband.  More unfortunately, Dr. Barzini 
discovered a potential problem in my lovely teeth: a cavity that had to 
be filled. Assisted by the younger brother of cocaine, he worked in my 
mouth with extreme care and precision, and sent me home with 
instructions to brush and floss regularly. 

A week later, I chipped a couple of teeth when biting into a bone. Dr.
Barzini graciously made room for me in his busy schedule the next day. 
He smoothed out the edges, spending much more time and effort than I 
expected. Perhaps Sue had put in a good word for me.  He said that I 
must not have had sufficient calcium intake as a child, and I could 
expect this to happen again as I rapidly crossed from youth to middle 

He proved to be correct.  With amazing regularity, I started developing
sharp corners in my teeth, which he would smooth out nicely.  Perhaps 
my genes had something to do with it.  Unfortunately, my teeth started 
shrinking in this process, and the space between my jaws emptying out 
at a steady pace. 

It became increasingly difficult to schedule an appointment with Sue.
One evening, after an unsatisfying osculatory experience, she broke the 
news that broke my ego: for some reason, she did not find me attractive 
any more, she could not bring herself to do this any more.  After all, 
we were not married, and never would be.  We had many good times, but 
the tense was past, there was no point pretending that we still clicked 
the way we used to. So she broke it off. 

The good news is that Dr. Barzini's sustained efforts seem to have
stemmed the problems plaguing my teeth.  My teeth are much smaller than 
they used to be, but I still have a complete natural set, no cavities, 
no broken edges, no sharp corners, thank you very much.  He must be the 
most brilliant dentist in town. 



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