ROGER'S FABULOUS VOYAGES, PART 3, CHAPTER 1. (standard:humor, 1974 words) [1/10] show all parts
Author: Danny Zil	Updated: Jun 18 2012	Views/Reads: 2900/1769	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Roger is on his way to New Earth but receives a message to visit a planet called Klyzemadex and decides to go.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

Roger frowned. “I wonder where all the other groups went when they left
Earth?” he mused then brightened. “Maybe we'll pick up messages from 
some of them on our way.” 

Angus laughed scornfully. “Messages!? Don't be silly. Everybody's
scattered all over the far reaches of the Angus. How are they going to 
contact you – a message in a bottle!?” 

Just then something clunked gently against the Ship. Roger jumped up. 

“Probably a meteor fragment,” advised Angus. ”Don't panic.” 

“I'm not,” replied Roger. “I'm going to see what it is.” 

He left the bridge and strolled down to the Docking Bay. Soon after he
returned, carrying something. 

“It was a message in a bottle,” he said casually, tossing the bottle
onto the bridge couch. 

Angus remained silent. 

Roger grinned in triumph at him then read the message. “'If your grammar
is good. If you don't end your sentences with prepositions. If you 
don't split your infinitives. If you want a fresh start. Come to 
Klyzemadex,'” he said. “Klyzemadex – ever heard of it?” 

Angus consulted his data banks. “The planet Angus,” he began. 

“Is that Angus Klyzemadex?” 

“Yes. A smallish planet a long way from here. Capable of supporting
human and alien life if their grammar is okay. Setting for some pretty 
surrealistic adventures.” 

Roger considered this. “Is it on the way to New Earth?” he asked. 

“Yes. Hmmm, listen to this,” said Angus. “It seems there are some pretty
strange people on the planet.” 

“In what way?” asked Roger. 

“Four-armed aliens, people who used to live in the former country of
Germany who have re-created the 1940's and people who used to live in 
the former country of England who live like miners in the 1950's.” 

“Very strange,” admitted Roger. 

“Yes, the Germans all act like Nazis and the English are all miners.” 

“What, real miners? Underground miners?” 

“Yes, well that's what the word ‘mining' implies.” 

Roger flushed. 

“Anyway it seems there are supplies of that old fashioned fossil fuel
called coal on the planet and they're mining the stuff. Oh and get 
this. When they were on Earth, the English lived in a village they 
re-created as if it was the 50's, partially cut off from the rest of 
the world.” 

“Well we received a message from them so we may as well pop along and
see what it's like.” 

Angus sighed. “The planet Angus Klyzemadex it is then!” he announced and
the Ship gathered speed and they headed off into the Angus. 

Meanwhile on the planet Earth...... 

The gigantic Black Cloud of anti-matter entered Earth's atmosphere
causing a brilliant fireworks display as it headed down to the planet. 

From the shambles of the Control Room in Later Albania, Norman spotted
the display and strolled outside. 

“Did you see that?” he asked his invisible friend. 

“Sure did,” his friend replied. 

“You know what it is, don't you?” Norman asked. 

“What?” 

“Aliens! It's bastard aliens! They're trying to land!” 

“Aliens!? How do we stop them?” 

Norman grinned. “Relax,” he said. “They can't set foot here.” 

“Why not?” 

“They won't have the proper Visas!” Norman replied smugly. 

“You're right!” agreed his friend. 

“Course I'm right,” Norman said pompously. “That's why I'm in charge of
Later Albania.” 

As they watched, the Black Cloud rolled down relentlessly. Earth's
beautiful blue sky gradually darkened as it descended. 

Norman buttoned his cardigan, set his specs straight and pulled his
paunchy body to attention. Hands clasped behind his back, he strolled 
forward. 

The Black Cloud rolled down. No blue sky was left. There was complete
darkness except for the lights from the Control Room. 

“Right, that's far enough!” Norman announced to the alien hordes,
putting a hand up. “This is Later Albania. You can't land here unless 
you've got proper Vis--” 

The anti-matter touched Earth and the planet blew. Earth, Later Albania,
Greater Albania, Norman and his invisible friend dissolved in a 
gigantic reddish orange glow that could be seen in the farthest reaches 
of Space...or the farthest reaches of the Angus. 

Meanwhile on Uhuruland...... 

Big Lucas grunted a few times, ejaculated and rolled sideways off the
sista from the Choir. Not being a gentleman of the bedroom, or in this 
case, the undergrowth, Big Lucas had neglected to take his weight on 
his elbows and it came as a blessed relief to the sista when his portly 
frame began easing itself starboard. 

Despite his weight, the sista had enjoyed being pounded by the great man
and she had opened her eyes in ecstasy as she reached her pleasure 
plateau. Just by chance, she was an amateur astronomer so she was able 
to identify the small distant blob in the night sky that was Earth and 
she had seen it blow up as Big Lucas blew off. 

Big Lucas lay back on the grass in the steamy night. “Did the Eart move
fo you, honey?” he asked. 

“Move!?” replied the sista. “Hell, it exploded!!” 

Big Lucas threw back his large head and laughed largely and his rich
deep laughter boomed out across the Uhuruland night. 

Meanwhile in the Afterlife...... 

“Hey, Big G,” said Derwent the Sordid, “one of your planets is
explodin!” 

Big G strolled over to Derwent's three dimensional multi-Universe wall
screen display and looked at Universe 1. “Yeah it's Earth,” he said. “I 
planned it.” 

“Planned it? Thought you had a soft spot for Earth?” 

“Used to have,” Big G admitted. 

“You mean you don't like those things we invented called people
anymore?” 

“Got fed up with them. All those wars. The greed. The starving. The
different religions. The stupid bastards.” 

“You should have let me bring them to my Universe.” 

“Hey, I don't hate them that much. I just decided to move them on. See
if it'll shake them up. Make them change their ways.” 

“How did you do it?” 

“Anti-matter. Big fuck-off cloud off the stuff. Oh that reminds me –
I'll have to cancel it.” Big G closed his eyes and concentrated and on 
the wall screen, the Black Cloud vanished.  He checked it was gone. 
“Don't want it wiping out my entire Universe!” he said. 

“So I see your mob have all dispersed to different planets then?” 

“Yeah. I'll give them another thousand years. If they don't improve
after that then it's definitely wipe-out time!” 

“You're too soft.” 

“Not really. I might wipe them anyway. I've invented a new form of life
called a Zanobe.” 

“Oh yeah? What's that?” 

“Looks like a human but has no interest in sex, money or war.” “I
see...so you're goin to have a Universe full of incontinent fuckin 
geriatrics then!!” Derwent said and laughed derisively. “Sounds 
wonderful.” 

Meanwhile back on the good ship Angus...... 

“Ah, there's something you should see,” announced Angus. “I'll put it on
the forward observation screen.” 

The view on the screen, the usual blue-black starry space view, changed
to a view of a distant small blue-green ball. Only it didn't remain 
blue-green for long. As Roger sat up on the bridge couch and watched, 
Earth began exploding. And what an explosion. Although far in the 
distance, he could see the huge yellow-red-orange fireball lighting up 
the surrounding blackness of Space. It was all over in under a minute. 
When the glow died, so had Earth. 

Roger stared at the screen. His home planet was gone. The planet he'd
known for 36 summers and 35 winters was gone. He'd missed one winter 
when he'd been ‘tired and emotional and hiding under the duvet'. 

“I'm homeless,” Roger said disconsolately. “A homeless wanderer in
Space.” He could feel a tear coming to his eye, a lump coming to his 
throat, an ache coming to his breast, a twinge coming to his right knee 
– but that was an old injury and he ignored it. “Earth's gone,” he 
muttered, standing up and pacing round the bridge. “How terribly sad to 
think that after living for several billion years, Earth has now died. 
All alone. In the darkness. With no-one to hold its...its...its very 
said, don't you think?” 

“Right, that's enough of that crap!” announced Angus. “We're nearing the
planet Klyzesmadex. Landing in one hour. Go and have a shower.” 

“Okay,” muttered the disconsolate one and slouched off the
bridge........ 

........“So try to remember,” lectured Angus. “Your grammar must be good
at all times.” 

“Yes, yes!” snapped Roger, sitting down on the bridge couch. 

“Right, a quick summing up of what we've covered. Why don't you end
sentences with prepositions?” 

“Because it's bad grammar.” 

“Good. What are the definite and indefinite articles?” 

“Definite article – ‘the'. Indefinite articles – ‘a' and ‘an'.” 

“Correct. What grammatical mistake am I making in this sentence?...I
began to slowly walk down the road.” 

Roger sniggered. “You can't walk anywhere!” 

Angus sighed. “Do you want to burn up when we enter Klyzemadex's
atmosphere when I make a deliberate entry mistake?” 

“No, no. Er, the mistake in the sentence, ah yes, you used a split
infinitive...it should be – I began to walk slowly down the road.” 

“Good. Very good. Approaching entry angle. Strap in! Too late!” 

Roger was slammed back into the Bridge couch as they entered
Klyzemadex's atmosphere. Five minutes later there was a gentle bump and 
they touched down. 

Roger got up and looked at the observation screen. It seemed quite
pleasant out there as the view panned round – green fields, forests, a 
nice river, blue skies, sunshine. 

“Just stay away from that bit of jungle over there to the left,” warned
Angus. 

Roger glanced at it and snorted. “Jungle! Ha! You don't think I'd be
stupid enough to go wandering into that, do you!?” 

Angus remained silent. 

“Right, see you later,” said Roger. He was wearing a clean Fleet Pilot's
dark blue outfit and he preened himself in the Bridge mirror then 
strolled down to the Exit Bay. 


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