|main menu | youngsters categories | authors | new stories | search | links | settings | author tools|
|A Season in Hell (standard:non fiction, 1760 words)|
|Author: kmjog||Added: Apr 22 2002||Views/Reads: 1962/1283||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|This is a personal account of a 4 year horrendous depression that finally lifted.|
﻿ A SEASON IN HELL I have suffered from clinical depression for four years. I have had OCD an anxiety disorder for 15 long years. Both have waxed and waned over the years. This is a personal account of four years that were living Hell on earth. I remember how the OCD started. I was a waitress at a busy restaurant in Carmel, California. I loved my job and I was a good waitress. A new manager came on the scene. He was either hot or cold. He was an alcoholic and when he was on a binge he would yell and scream at the waitresses. He particularly picked on me because I never talked back to him for fear of losing my job. I was not depressed until years later. I went to work one day and the manager was gone. They said he was dismissed for stealing money out of the cash register for drugs. I was relieved but they got a woman manager who was rather unfriendly and harsh. I finally found a job at another local restaurant. The OCD waxed and waned over the years. It was very manageable for 12 years until depression set in also from a sales job that I had. I knew what clinical depression was because I previously in my life had three short bouts with it. My husband is a landscape contractor. He wanted me to go to a hardware store to buy a rake he needed. I was in the garden department when I saw a bunch of insecticides. I immediately felt contaminated and had to go to the restroom and wash my hands. I just had to go wash my hands like I had some horrible poison on me. That was the beginning of the Obsessive Compulsive disorder. They say that tremendous stress can cause it. I started thinking that when I passed by a pedestrian in my car that I had hit one and I had to check if I had by looking in the rear view mirror. I had an episode of OCD when I was 13 years old so I knew I had to get some help. The OCD will not go away on it's own. I started therapy with a psychologist and I still continued to work for the alcoholic manager. . I have been to many psychiatrists and psychologists over the last 15 years. In desperation in March 2002 I made an appointment with my family doctor. I had heard that B-12 shots were sometimes given to patients with a severe psychosis and they made remarkable recoveries. She said that she had heard that but had never heard of a B-12 shot being used for depression. She would not give me one and I was upset. I went to the drug store and bought a bottle of B-12 vitamins and went home and took five1000mg tablets. It became extremely severe in March 2002. In that month I began obsessing more and more at my volunteer waitress job. I could hardly concentrate on taking orders because of the horrible, intrusive thoughts that were racing in my head. I would take an order and I had to double check each ticket to make sure I had charged them the right amount. My obsessional thinking was mostly religious in origin. They were senseless thoughts like if I wore certain dangling earrings they would offend God and then I would be punished. If I watched a movie with a lot of swear words in it; it was hurting God. I could never fiqure out why some things that I did would hurt God. .Hundreds of thoughts like this tortured me every day. I knew they were not really real but a part of me almost believed that they were. I also had developed severe scrupulosity just since January 2002. It previously had never bothered me in my 57 years of life. I had worked 4 different part time jobs. They were relatively easy jobs like being a food demonstrator in a market handing out samples of food or coupons. I would not cash any of the checks I had received because my OCD voice was telling me I didn't do the jobs completely right and I would be punished by God if I cashed the checks. It wasn't until 3 months later that I was finally able to cash them. Scrupulosity is a form of OCD. People who have it become overly concerned with morals and honesty. I will describe what a typical day for me was like. I woke up in sheer terror. I immediately started praying hundreds of times “Dear Lord please help me to function.” I felt like I was waking up to a nightmare. However, I was not dreaming for it was as real as the grass is green and the sky is blue. My depression was an agiated type. I had been jogging since 1992 and was not about to give it up. It was the one Click here to read the rest of this story (84 more lines)
Authors appreciate feedback!
Please write to the authors to tell them what you liked or didn't like about the story!
kmjog has 2 active stories on this site.
Profile for kmjog, incl. all stories