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The Fence Post (standard:humor, 1217 words)
Author: ChuckAdded: Oct 08 2002Views/Reads: 2534/1246Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A story about a man with a very vivid imagination that believes himself to be much better at Karate than he is.

The Fence Post I spotted the fence as I traveled through Northwest
Texas.  The fence fascinated me.  Post after post, with barbed wire 
stretched across it, as far as the eye could see, over the hills, down 
the valleys, probably to coral horses or cows or some other kind of 
animal.  I'd watched Chuck Norris on TV.  I'd seen Steven Segal and 
Bruce Lee movies as well..... 

I parked my car and slipped off all of my clothes.  I donned my white
karate uniform then reached into the car and lovingly cradled the white 
belt that I'd worked so hard to earn during the last  three years.  
Solemnly, I tied it around my waist, a symbol of my accomplishments.  I 
tore a 6 foot strip off of the bottom of my white tee shirt and tied it 
around my forehead.  I glanced at my reflection in the car window.  
Satisfied with my appearance, barefooted and with a look of fierce 
determination, I made my way to the post. 

I was athletic, having run in many 50 yard dashes as a youngster.  By
the time I was 17, I could do 5 "girl" pushups.  In dodge ball, in the 
5th grade, I hardly ever got hit in my face and even now, I played 
right field in softball, when I was needed.  I was about 80lbs. 
overweight, but I carried myself well.  I was a pretty well rounded 

Carefully, I climbed atop the fence post.  I looked at the next post,
probably 10 feet away.  What would Bruce Lee do?  A strange noise 
escaped my lips, barely audible at first and I knew that Bruce Lee was 
with me.  I began to meditate, to concentrate, drawing from my inner 
being, my inner strength.  Unused adrenaline began to build, much like 
a volcano preparing to erupt.  My body began to break it down and 
analyze it, for use at this critical time.  My head was tucked down and 
I was focused, in a self induced trance.  I was Steven Segal now, 
breaking the neck of some unscrupulous bad guys.  I glanced to my left, 
where I'd parked my vehicle.  Was that Jean-Claude Van Damm climbing 
into my car?......... 

I must maintain my focus.  Total calm.  No distractions....... 

I could see clearly now, Jackie Chan and his sidekick, surrounded by
thugs, my excitement reaching a crescendo as the thugs were annihilated 
one at a time....... 

Fully charged, I leapt, through the air, arms outstretched, towards the
next post.  No Fear!  I was airborne, my bandanna tails stretched out 
behind me.  Up, up and away!  I soared momentarily, quickly leaving the 
1st post behind, as I traveled towards the next post, unconcerned that 
a strand of barbed wire loomed directly below me.  All of my martial 
arts friends were with me.  We traveled through the air together.  With 
the aid of my friends, the post that had seemed so far away, now seemed 
to be mere inches, just a step away.  I could leap like a little 
ballerina and make it to the other post.  I could tip toe and get to 
it.  I could walk backwards and still make it.  This was not even 
worthy of my athletic prowess.  This was much too easy.  A small child, 
doing back flips, could accomplish this feat.  A 98 year old man, 
chained to a car bumper, stricken with Parkinson's disease could do 

I was at the height of my arc and could feel the earth's gravitational
pull, beckoning to me........... 

I must concentrate........An eagle riding on an updraft, soared
effortlessly, at my side........ 

Chuck Norris and I refused to succumb to the forces of nature, digging
even deeper for a surge of more potent, inner strength.......... 

I reached into my pocket, feeling the Power Bar, loaded with caffeine
and other metabolizing, energizing, rejuvenating ingredients.  I pulled 
it out, and with my teeth, I tore the wrapper open.  I gnawed off a 
huge piece and chewed it hastily, careful not to lose my concentration. 
 I then swallowed a vitamin pill, a mature pill, for those of us over 
the age of 50.  Super human strength coursed through my body as the 
power bar and the vitamin pill broke down and distributed themselves 
along my veins and capillaries.  Thirsty now, I unwrapped the stick of 
Thirst Quencher gum and popped it into my mouth.  I realized that I was 
losing altitude much too soon.  A quick look behind me revealed that I 

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