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|Meat Grinder (standard:humor, 469 words)|
|Author: kendall thomas||Added: Nov 05 2002||Views/Reads: 2026/1||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
MEAT GRINDER By Twisted Wabbit “I'll tell you what irritates me,” Sam said one afternoon as we were sitting on his back porch drinking a few beers. “My wife, that's what. She's always wasting money on the damnedest things. I wouldn't mind if I was Rockerfeller, but, you know, a little here and a little there mounts up pretty damn soon. I just can't afford her foolishness. She's gonna drive us to the poor house one of these days.” “Aw, it can't be all that bad, Sam,” I said, taking a sip of my beer and smiling. “You just don't know,” Sam continued as if he hadn't heard me. “You see that big plant over there in the corner that looks like a short, fat palm tree with a big mouth in the middle of all those fronds?” I nodded. It would have been hard to miss. The trunk was pink with purple veins and stood -- or perhaps better to say squatted -- at a height of three or four feet. The mouth-like opening at the top had serrated edges lined with what resembled rows of tiny shark's teeth. There seemed to be a subtle motion to it -- although ever so slight -- that I found disquieting, but I chalked that up to imagination, for there wasn't any breeze to speak of. Occasionally it made subtle rustling sounds, and every once in a while I thought I detected a small burp. “Well, it's a plant from Africa,” Sam went on, “somewhere deep in the jungles of the Congo. And get this, it eats meat, just like you and me. Only more so. Won't eat anything else. And its lordship will only eat the finest cuts, the most expensive. See that new freezer? Had to buy it just to keep the meat that damn thing goggles up like a toad does flies. Full of chuck, fillet, sirloin etc., you name it. Had to buy a five hundred dollar meat grinder just to grind everything up for the little darling. Oooaah me. What possessed that woman I'll never know. To buy such a thing. Bah!” “Speaking of the little woman,” I said, “where is Mae? Haven't seen her out and about these last couple of days.” Sam jerked his head off to the side. “Ah, she's gone to visit her relatives in Chicago. Mother's sick -- “She may not be back for awhile,” he added, faintly. I didn't say anything to this. I finished my beer and watched Sam feed the plant with some ground steak that had been thawing out. And I didn't say anything when I saw a red fingernail drop out onto the floor. It pays one to mind his own business. Besides, I might want to borrow that grinder myself one of these days. fin Tweet
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