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Diary of a Killer Kat (standard:humor, 1293 words)
Author: kathygAdded: Dec 04 2003Views/Reads: 2321/1219Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Remember this story I wrote a while back. I forgot I had it. Let's give it another whirl shall we? Thanks :)



OKAY, OKAY. So hang me. I killed the bird. For pity's sake, I'm a Cat.
It's practically my job to go creeping round the garden after sweet 
little teensy-weensy birdy-pies that can hardly fly from one hedge to 
another. So what am I supposed to do when one of the poor feathery 
little flutterballs just about throws itself into my mouth? I mean, it 
practically landed on my paws. It could have hurt me. 

Okay, Okay. So I mangled it. I emphasize. Is that any reason for Ellie
to cry in my fur so hard I almost drown, and squeeze me so hard I 
almost choke? 

'Oh Tuffy!,' She says, all sniffles and red eyes and piles of wet
tissues. 'Oh, Tuffy. How could you do that?' How could I do that? I'm a 
cat. How did I know there was going to be such a giant great fuss, with 
Ellie's mother rushing off to fetch sheets of old newspaper, and 
Ellie's father filling a bucket with soapy water? Okay, okay. So maybe 
I shouldn't have dragged it in and left it on the carpet. And maybe the 
stains won't come out, ever. 

So hang me. 




I QUITE ENJOYED the little funeral. I don't think they really wanted me
to come, but, after all, it's just as much my garden as theirs. In 
fact, I spend a whole lot more time in it than they do. I'm the only 
one in the family who uses it properly. Not that they're grateful. You 
ought to hear them. 

"That cat is ruining my flower beds. There are hardly any of the
petunias left." 

"I'd barely planted the lobelias before it was lying on top of them,
squashing them flat." 

"I do wish it wouldn't dig holes in the anemones." 

Moan, moan, moan, moan. I don't know why they bother to keep a cat,
since all they ever seem to do is complain. 




CARL IS MY OWNER and he sucks eggs. He always forgets to change my
litter box. Can you expect a classy cat like me to step in that stinky 
box? It's not like he doesn't have time. He sits on his lazy ass all 
day long collecting unemployment checks. Why doesn't he get a job! 
Yesterday, his wife left him for the mailman. She was a great cook, but 
the mailman had a better package. I'm lucky if he remembers to put my 
food out once a week. No wonder I am a killer cat. Yeah, he's home 
today, sitting on the front stoop drinking beer and talking to the 
neighbor about absolutely nothing. He has the brain of a flea. I am the 
brains and Carl is the butt end. Hey, I'm a Cat. Why the hell should I 




I'M POWERFUL HUNGRY! It's time. Time to jump over this joke of an
“electric fence” that Carl set up to prevent me from roaming into the 
night. HA! That's a good one! Heck, I'll piss on it for laughs! My cat 

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