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|Diary of a Killer Kat (standard:humor, 1293 words)|
|Author: kathyg||Added: Dec 04 2003||Views/Reads: 2321/1219||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|Remember this story I wrote a while back. I forgot I had it. Let's give it another whirl shall we? Thanks :)|
MONDAY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OKAY, OKAY. So hang me. I killed the bird. For pity's sake, I'm a Cat. It's practically my job to go creeping round the garden after sweet little teensy-weensy birdy-pies that can hardly fly from one hedge to another. So what am I supposed to do when one of the poor feathery little flutterballs just about throws itself into my mouth? I mean, it practically landed on my paws. It could have hurt me. Okay, Okay. So I mangled it. I emphasize. Is that any reason for Ellie to cry in my fur so hard I almost drown, and squeeze me so hard I almost choke? 'Oh Tuffy!,' She says, all sniffles and red eyes and piles of wet tissues. 'Oh, Tuffy. How could you do that?' How could I do that? I'm a cat. How did I know there was going to be such a giant great fuss, with Ellie's mother rushing off to fetch sheets of old newspaper, and Ellie's father filling a bucket with soapy water? Okay, okay. So maybe I shouldn't have dragged it in and left it on the carpet. And maybe the stains won't come out, ever. So hang me. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* TUESDAY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I QUITE ENJOYED the little funeral. I don't think they really wanted me to come, but, after all, it's just as much my garden as theirs. In fact, I spend a whole lot more time in it than they do. I'm the only one in the family who uses it properly. Not that they're grateful. You ought to hear them. "That cat is ruining my flower beds. There are hardly any of the petunias left." "I'd barely planted the lobelias before it was lying on top of them, squashing them flat." "I do wish it wouldn't dig holes in the anemones." Moan, moan, moan, moan. I don't know why they bother to keep a cat, since all they ever seem to do is complain. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* WEDNESDAY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CARL IS MY OWNER and he sucks eggs. He always forgets to change my litter box. Can you expect a classy cat like me to step in that stinky box? It's not like he doesn't have time. He sits on his lazy ass all day long collecting unemployment checks. Why doesn't he get a job! Yesterday, his wife left him for the mailman. She was a great cook, but the mailman had a better package. I'm lucky if he remembers to put my food out once a week. No wonder I am a killer cat. Yeah, he's home today, sitting on the front stoop drinking beer and talking to the neighbor about absolutely nothing. He has the brain of a flea. I am the brains and Carl is the butt end. Hey, I'm a Cat. Why the hell should I care? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Thursday ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'M POWERFUL HUNGRY! It's time. Time to jump over this joke of an “electric fence” that Carl set up to prevent me from roaming into the night. HA! That's a good one! Heck, I'll piss on it for laughs! My cat Click here to read the rest of this story (123 more lines)
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