WHEN THE GODS WERE WALKING THE EARTH, part 2 (standard:humor, 3734 words) [2/2] show all parts
Author: Art by Assiliym	Added: Nov 15 2006	Views/Reads: 3834/1861	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
part 2 of the comedy central of the Greek Gods

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

what I've got here for you." He was holding the last apple they had 
stolen from the Hesperides' gardens. "Oh please, have mercy on the poor 
blacksmith!" Hephaestus fell on his knees. "Give me one more apple!" 
"Okay, it's yours, but promise you will make us something to cover our 
heads and shoulders." "This won't take long," said Hephaestus happily 
and grabbed his hammer. "So, who's helping with the bellows?" An hour 
later the gods were equipped with fine helmets. Chain mail made of 
joined metal links were attached to the helmets and covered the gods' 
shoulders. Beautiful jaguars adorned the helmets' tops. They were made 
of pure gold and their eyes were rubies. "The jaguar spirit will 
protect you day and night," Hephaestus explained. "When you are 
threatened the jaguars' eyes will glow, and they will roar." Centuries 
later, the smart English carmakers would steal Hephaestus' trademark 
and place the jaguar symbol on their vehicles... That is another story, 
however. "Well," said Hephaestus, taking a look at his work. "I should 
say you are now properly protected. Before you put your armor on, put 
on some of this ointment." "What is this," Ares asked. "Salamander fat. 
Should a few embers slip below the armor, you will not get burned. Put 
it on just before you sneak out through the gates, its effect is only 
brief. Where is my apple, then?" The gods delivered the magic apple, 
put on some of the salamander fat, grabbed the helmets and headed to 
the copper-studded doors. "Okay guys, let's see if this thing works," 
someone said. "If it does, our wives will pluck their eyebrows in 
fury!" The gods laughed at the joke and their armor clanged. Unlike 
before, they were not trying to sneak out furtively. This is how the 
first armor was made: the outfit that protected the whole body, and 
later helped Don Quixote fight the windmills... Meanwhile, Hephaestus 
ate the last apple, and another miraculous transformation took place! 
His goat's horns began to shrink and finally disappeared. The god of 
forge glanced at his reflection in a shield's mirror surface, and could 
not believe his eyes. Gazing back at him was a handsome young man with 
a slim body, thighs as white as marble, and a beautiful face. "I wonder 
what you'll have to say now, Apollo," he laughed. "Who looks better, 
ah? I bet you'll be green with envy!" Hephaestus jumped into his 
flaming carriage, whipped his winged horses and headed to the Isle of 
Bliss where the mermaids swam. He landed on the shore and sang with the 
beautiful voice of a river nymph: "I'm Apollo, the god of love, Come to 
the shore, my best beloved, Come to me from the depths of quiet, My 
heart is burning with passion, Not a minute I can live without you." He 
had not yet finished his song when a lovely girl appeared from the deep 
blue: a mermaid riding a huge blue dolphin. She was Poseidon's youngest 
daughter, the Dolphin Rider, the sea king's favorite. Immediately 
behind her swam the Crab, her personal bodyguard. "My fair prince," she 
sang and her voice rang like a chime. "A gift for you I've got: my 
heart and my love I pledge to you." Hephaestus jumped on the dolphin's 
back and they descended together into the deep blue sea. The Crab 
followed respectfully from a distance. "No kissing before the wedding," 
he warned Hephaestus. "Princess, please, don't do anything rash. If 
your father gets angry he'll make an ashtray of my shell, and will 
throw my flesh to the sharks. Have mercy on the old chaperon," he 
begged. "Don't worry, stupid," smiled the princess. "My father won't be 
angry, I promise.' 

The dolphin passed between the two white whales who were guarding the
entrance to Poseidon's coral palace. He then passed a few swordfish, 
Poseidon's personal bodyguard enjoying a special status. Hephaestus who 
had never descended to the bottom of the sea admired the splendor of 
the palace and its beautiful colors. The palace was supported by coral 
pillars in purple, yellow and violet. The walls were made of dark-green 
seaweed, decorated with shells. Jellyfishes - Poseidon's servants - 
waved their fans and swam about like small sailboats. They were joined 
by frisky little fishes, sharp-toothed eels, tiny crabs, savage sharks, 
blue dolphins, tortoises and all sorts of other sea creatures 
Hephaestus had never seen before. The unusual procession headed to the 
huge throne hall. Its entrance was guarded by six fierce-looking sharks 
on the one side and six no less fierce-looking octopuses on the other 
side. The royal guard was under the command of a giant tortoise whose 
shell was as big as a medium-sized ship. The tortoise bowed clumsily to 
the princess and cast Hephaestus an inquisitive look. "You do not 
belong among the sea dwellers. I'm sorry, Princess Dolphin Rider, but 
he cannot come in." "Let them in," thundered Poseidon's voice. The god 
of the sea was sitting on a throne made of red corals. The crown on his 
head was gleaming with gems, each of them the size of an egg and worth 
about a kingdom. In his hand, Poseidon held a huge trident. When he was 
angry, he would hit the sea with that trident and it would change 
immediately: the sky would darken and a violent wind would start 
blowing. Waves as big as hills would rise, and woe to the ships that 
were caught in the storm! They would all sink to the bottom of the sea, 
crew, rats and all... The mermaids, whose hearts ached at the doomed 
sailors' cries, would sometimes swim to the surface and gesture to the 
captain to follow them, taking the ships to a safe harbor, and would 
then return to the palace. They did that fairly seldom, though, because 
their father wold fall into a rage and lock up the disobedient mermaid 
in the palace for months. There was nothing much to do in the palace 
and it could get really boring there... The dolphin and its weird 
riders went up to the throne. Poseidon stood up and frowned. "Who are 
you," he thundered and the sea was suddenly full of waves. One of them 
nearly knocked the handsome god off the dolphin's back. "How do you 
dare come into my kingdom? You are lucky to be a god; if you were a 
mortal, I would have smashed you like a worm! You belong on the Olympus 
with the other gods, not here!" At one time, Poseidon had caught his 
unfaithful wife with one of the Olympian gods, and had locked them both 
in a cave for a hundred years. If it had not been for his brother Zeus, 
the father of all gods, the two unfortunate lovers would still be in 
that cave... 

"It is for me that he's here," spoke Dolphin Rider, lowering her eyes.
"We are in love and... we're getting married." "Oh, are you?" 
Poseidon's voice was mildly ironic. "Just don't tell me I'm going to be 
a grandfather. If you have touched her," and he pointed his trident at 
Hephaestus, "you're not getting out of this palace alive. As for you," 
and this time he pointed the trident at the Crab, the poor bodyguard, 
"you'll follow your predecessors." "I swear, he never touched her," 
stuttered the toothless Crab who was 560 years old. "I was there all 
the time, from the moment his flaming carriage pulled by winged horses 
landed on the shore to the moment when..." "Did you say a flaming 
carriage?" Poseidon was now listening more attentively. "You're not 
Apollo," he went on, casting an inquisitive look at the handsome god. 
"Of all Olympian gods, only two have got flaming carriages: my brother 
Zeus, and Hephaestus. As you are not Zeus..." He frowned. "You don't 
look like Hephaestus. He's got goat's legs, yours are fine. Hephaestus 
has a hump and an ugly body, you are as slim as a poplar. He's got 
horns and a pimply face, while your face is attractive..." "It's 
Hephaestus allright," an old sea dragon spoke. "My cousin Cerberus 
guards the Hesperides' gardens. Several hours ago, the gods stole four 
magic apples and gave them to Hephaestus in exchange for some armour he 
made for them. Those magic apples can transform any god or mortal 
beyond recognition, giving him a great physical beauty..." "Yes, it's 
him," interrupted Poseidon's oldest daughter Sea Star. "He was the 
cause of my split tail. However, he only had one fine leg, the other 
was a goat's leg, and he also had a hump and horns!" "Yes, I know him," 
cried Sea Violet. "He made me laugh until my tail split!" "Why," 
frowned Poseidon. "Because we were kis...uh, walking on the shore, I 
pulled his cloak and I saw his ugly hump. It looked like a snail's 
shell, and I called him Little Snail" "He did the same to me," added 
Sea Horse, riding her favourite horse as usual. "Dad, I want you to 
punish him. Look at my tail!" She waved her tail, still stitched with 
the crabs. "It hurts," she cried and leaned on her father's shoulder. 
"So you are the scoundrel who split my daughters' tails! You'll pay for 
that! I can't kill you because you are a god but I will put you in the 
dungeon and you will never again sea the light of day!" "Wait," 
Hephaestus tried to protest. "I never split the mermaids' tails! Am I 
to blame for making someone laugh?" "Take him away!" Poseidon gave a 
sign with his trident and huge waves rose on the surface of the sea. A 
ship that had been unfortunate enough to sail at the wrong place, at 
the wrong time, was swept away like a nut shell. "Throw him into the 
Dungeon of Horrors!" Two octopuses came up, waving their tentacles. 
"Your will shall be done, Master!" The guards grabbed Hephaestus and 
despite his protests, dragged him to the Dungeon of Horrors. His 
sweetheart the Dolphin Rider burst into tears and fled to her 
apartment. Let us now leave the weeping mermaid and go back to the 
Olympus. Queen Pate's aspiring lovers put on their helmets and headed 
to the copper-studded gates. Their wives bristled with anger and 
prepared to hurl their lightning bolts. A small quail saw them and 
chirped: "The gods are wearing armor, Your fire cannot harm them!" 
"Shut up you stupid bird," one of the goddesses shouted and hurled a 
fireball at the quail. The poor bird screamed and ran but it was too 
late. There was a smell of grilled meat. The goddess ripped off a wing 
and took a bite. "Mmm, delicious!" This is how the gods first started 
eating grilled quails. Prometheus once stole a few from the gods' table 
and gave them to the starving humans. To punish his betrayal, Zeus put 
him on a vegan diet. No meat, no fish... The first vegetarian was thus 
vegetarian not by his own will but by coercion... "You shall never 
again eat meat," Zeus thundered. "Others will be feeding on you. Eagles 
will peck on your liver all day and by the next morning it will have 
recovered. Take him to the Caucasus!" Two guards handcuffed Prometheus 
and read him his rights: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything 
you say can and will be used against you..."Then they took him to the 
Caucasus and chained him to a cliff. Every day, two eagles came to peck 
on his liver, and Prometheus screamed his head off. "Don't you ever 
have enough, damned birds! You must have eaten tons of liver by now," 
he cursed. "Certainly not," the Eagles replied. "Liver is our favorite 
treat!" When it grew dark, the eagles would fly away, Prometheus' liver 
would heal, and in the morning the eagles would return. "Have you 
considered becoming vegetarians," he asked them one day. "The liver 
you're eating is packed with cholesterol and fat. Have you heard of 
Avicenna's latest study?" The eagles stopped pecking and gave him an 
inquisitive look. "What study?", one of them asked and stopped chewing 
the liver. "And what's cholesterol?" "Who's Avicenna," the other eagle 
asked. "Never heard of him." "Ah, you poor ignorant birds," Prometheus 
sighed with sympathy. "Avicenna is Zeus' personal physician. He 
demonstrated that cholesterol is a most dangerous kind of fat which may 
cause bone cancer, epilepsy, bubonic plague, breast cancer, stomach 
cancer, loss of sight, angina, rheumatism..." "Phew!" The eagles choked 
and spitted out the meat. "Couldn't you say so earlier?" "The 
cholesterol also causes the feathers to fall, as well as a loss of wing 
coordination..." "Oh shut up," one of the eagles pleaded. "I can't 
listen to that!" "Oh my God," the other added, "I can feel there's 
something wrong with my stomach! Do you think I might have caught 
stomach cancer?" The eagles spread their wings and flew off to the 
deepest darkest forest. To the end of their days, they never ate hares, 
rats, lizards or any other living creatures; they lived on apples, 
pears and blueberries, and managed to bring their cholesterol level 
down to zero. Their risk of contracting a disease, respectively, tended 
to rise indefinitely... Meanwhile, the sky over the Olympus was glowing 
is lights of all colors. The humans were watching and enviously 
clicking their tongues. They thought the gods were celebrating 
something. "Tosho, Tosho," sighed Pete the Tank Commander. "There they 
are, celebrating again. Let's go to the Olympus!" "No thanks," replied 
Tosho the Smart. "I'm fine where I am. I've got eight million sheep 
here..." In fact, Tosho the Smart and Pete the Dank Commander were 
wrong. The gods were not celebrating; it was a fierce battle that was 
going on up there on the Olympus. The goddesses were showering their 
unfaithful husbands with lightning bolts. However, the smart gods had 
put on some of the salamander fat and the armor made by Hephaestus the 
god of forge, so they passed through the copper-studded gates unharmed 
and hurried to King Tubby's party. In their rage, the goddesses 
destroyed part of Zeus' vegetable garden. Since he had appointed 
Avicenna as his personal physician, Zeus ate mostly vegetable soups. 
When the king of all gods came home and saw the havoc, he blazed with 
rage. "Who did this," he asked Hera, his face gray with anger. "I swear 
in the beard of my father Cronus, I'll send the offender to Hades' 
kingdom. Just give me the scoundrel's name!" "Scoundrels' names," Hera 
corrected him with a wily smile, and added: "Why, you know them well. 
You drink your ambrosia with them every day." Ambrosia was the gods' 
drink that made them immortal. "Why are they," Zeus shouted in such a 
voice that even Hera stepped back. "Give me the names, woman!" "Well, 
if you so wish," she sighed. "Here they are: Apollo the god of love, 
Dionysus the god of wine, Ares the god of war, Boreas the god of wind - 
they are all your favorites and closest friends. They got drunk on 
ambrosia and danced like mad in your vegetable garden. They did a 
circle dance and jumped around until they trampled it all. "Why didn't 
you try to stop them" Zeus asked. "Well," Hera whimpered, "I was 
scared. They were all blind drunk! You know that roughneck Ares, he was 
hopping and trampling worst of them all!" Hera had a grudge against the 
god of war. He had been her lover before she married Zeus but had quit 
her for a mortal princess, Helena, who had later become the cause of 
the Trojan War. "I'll sort this out," Zeus shouted. "Where are those 
scoundrels?" "Feasting in King Tubby's palace. They ran out of ambrosia 
here and went down to earth for a few more drinks." "I'm going down 
there and I'll beat them black and blue!" Zeus waved his fists. "Come 
on, be reasonable," Hera entreated. "There are four of them, and you 
are alone. Do not underestimate Ares the god of war, he's a well-known 
ruffian." "What should I do then" the king of gods hesitated and 
scratched his head. The humans later borrowed that gesture from the 
king of all gods. "Wait until they come back, and I'll set the table 
for a feast. Then I'll put sleeping pills in their ambrosia, and when 
they fall asleep you'll have them chained. Then you can decide how you 
want to punish them and where you want to exile them." "I know a good 
place up there in the north," Zeus said. "There's snow there almost all 
the year round. Snow and blizzards. Nothing grows there but 
blueberries, wild pears and lichen. They'll die of cold and hunger!" 
"What's the name of that place," Hera asked. "No name. Just 
wilderness." "No," she shook her head. "It must have a name. We'll call 
it... we'll call it Siberia!" "Siberia," Zeus repeated. "Sounds good. I 
like it." Meanwhile, the Olympian gods were approaching King Tubby's 
palace, not in the least suspecting what awaited them... 


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