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The Rat Bastard (standard:humor, 485 words)
Author: Kenneth BroskyAdded: Dec 18 2006Views/Reads: 1954/0Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A tale of Seji Goon-Goon, a mailman.

The Rat Bastard Ken Brosky 

One: "Him. There. Right ... there, sitting at the bar." 

Two: "I don't see him." 

One: "Wait for that fatass to get out of the way. OK, you see him? He's
got the long black mustache and the thin eyebrows and the brown 
overcoat. The Chinese guy." 

Two: "Shit, you could have just said the Chinese guy. It's not like
there's a lot sitting around getting drunk in this dive." 

One: "OK well fuck you and shut up. Now, I forget his name ... Seji
Goong-something. But his name's not important. It's his job that's 
important. He's a mailman." 

Two: "So what. I've seen enough mailmen." 

One: "Mail CARRIERS, you sexist piece of shit. Now look: he's not the
kind of mailman you see coming to your house every morning." 

Two: "Except on Sundays." 

One: "Except on Sundays, right. Seji delivers the undeliverable mail,
you see." 

Two: "The 'return to sender' shit?" 

One: "No, you idiot. The REALLY undeliverable shit. To dead people." 

Two: "That doesn't make a lick of sense." 

One: "Not to you, it doesn't. But to him, it does. See, how it goes is
you write a letter to someone you know who's deceased. Then you take 
the letter to a Chinese cemetary and incinerate it. Seji gets the 
letter and he delivers it to that person, wherever they are. He can 
find anyone." 

Two: "So if I wanted to get the last word in with my dead uncle, I could
just write a letter and burn it?" 

One: "In a Chinese cemetary, yeah. Only not anymore. Not since that rat
bastard went and fucked it all up. Now, Seji spends all his time right 
there at the bar, nursing his scotch on the rocks until the rocks are 

Two: "That rat bastard. What'd he do?" 

One: "He fucked it all up is what he did! That rat bastard wrote himself
a nice little letter and he went down to the Chinese cemetary out on 53 
and he tossed it in the incinerator. Only he addressed it to someone 
who didn't exist. He made up some name that didn't exist that used to 
live in some city that never existed." 

Two: "What a bastard." 

One: "Yeah, but Seji didn't know that. As far as Seji knew, he just
couldn't find the guy. Seji looked high, and Seji looked low, if you 
catch my drift." 

Two: "Heaven and Hell, gotcha. The arm motions were enough of a

One: "OK shut up. You're missing the point. The point is Seji couldn't
find the guy anywhere. This had never happened before, you see. Old 
Seji thought something was wrong with HIM. And that's when old Seji 
just sorta gave up. And the rat bastard probably laughed his ass off." 

Two: "What a rat fucking bastard." 

One: "Exactly. That rat bastard went and ruined it for all of us." 


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