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|How To Become A Trillionaire (and lose 20 lbs) (standard:humor, 11306 words)|
|Author: Dr. Murray Trillionaire||Added: Sep 06 2007||Views/Reads: 2156/1937||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|Dr. Murray Trillionaire will help you to become a trillionaire and to lose weight at the same time.|
“It's so nice to be insane. No one asks you to explain. Radio by your side, Angie Baby.” -Helen Reddy, Angie Baby This book is not for everyone! Let me just start by saying that if you're the type of person who would be content with just a couple of billion dollars in your bank account, then this book is not for you. Why don't you just go buy some Krispy Kreme franchise or create some little operating system for a computer? This book is for ambitious people who want to become trillionaires. After all, everyone from Trenton to Newark, from Atlantic City to Jersey City knows that being a billionaire is so 1990s! Been there. Done that. And what does a billion dollars get you these days anyway? A relatively nice town house in a good section of Manhattan costs about twenty million dollars. That's right; buy fifty of them and your billion dollars is gone. With what money do you decorate? And each one of your New York town houses is going to need a home movie theater. Well, that's another billion. I know what you're thinking at this point, “I could never make a trillion dollars on my own! I only make $15 an hour. I'd have to work over 66 billion hours this year to bring home a trillion dollars. There goes my 2 week vacation at the beach house this summer!” That's where I come in; you need me. Don't be ashamed. Everyone needs a little help from his friends—even the big cats! While most people were impressed with Warren Buffett's so called little donation of about 30 billion dollars, I was not fooled with his little charade. Did you notice that he did not give his money to The United Jewish Appeal, The American Cancer Society, Jerry Lewis's telethon , or Save the Whales like most people would have done? No, he gave it to Bill Gates. Why? Because these two partners are in cahoots to become the first trillionaires. They were both afraid that they couldn't do it on their own. So they've formed a little partnership. A trillion dollars is a lot of money. It helps to have a partner. Rest assured. I'm your partner. And we'll beat Warren and Bill to the punch. True, they are currently in the lead as they have about 100 billion dollars between the two of them. But we have some great ideas. How To Become A Trillionaire (and lose 20 lbs) is full of brilliant ideas that will help us reach our financial goal and lose weight in the process. At this point, you are probably wondering, “But Murray, you've come up with the ideas, so who needs me?” It's a good question, and I'm glad you've mentioned it. Although I'm pretty good at coming up with ideas, I'm not very good at implementing them; it usually requires too much work. So that's where you'll come in. You'll be doing the actual work. My first, documented, brilliant idea came when I was five. Back in Kindergarten my best friend was David Lerner, quite an ironic name for someone who was so incapable of learning much of anything. By the end of October, everyone in our class (except David) knew the alphabet. David would usually get stuck around D. Our teacher Mrs. Suskind was patient and would go over and over the alphabet with David every day to really no avail. So I decided that I needed to intervene with what I thought was a pretty innovative idea: an abridged version of the alphabet for idiots. We'd get rid of s, k, z, and q and just use c in their place as c pretty much covers all their sounds. I also believed that v and f were redundant as they make pretty much the same sound. To prove my point, go and tell someone to “go vuck themself” and see what they say. My alphabet for idiots, known just as the alpha got down to about twenty letters, half of which would be relegated to second class status to be learned only upon completion of junior high school. For now, David would just need to learn a, b, c, and d (which he had already mastered) and finish with e, g, i, l, m, and o. Pretty good idea, no? Well, Mrs. Suskind told me that in order to implement it, we'd have to sell the idea to every idiot that there was on the planet. And she emphasized that there were many! I couldn't be bothered. Too much work. It was easier to just find another best friend. So you partners are my implementers. You'll need to do all the work and will be compensated handsomely. We'll split all the profits with me getting 85%. MOI VS. OTHER ‘SUPPOSED' SELF-HELPERS I'm the type of person who absolutely refuses to bad mouth anyone. It's just not in my nature, and besides, it creates bad karma! But there are a lot of really bad self-help books out there. In fact, I think that they ALL stink. Every single one that has ever been written. Have you ever read Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen's Chicken Soup For The Soul? I read it. Well, I actually love that one. But then my soul is Jewish and loves chicken soup. But what about all those vegetarian souls out there? Do you now see why Canfield and Hansen have only sold 80 million books and not more? They never thought about the vegetarian souls or even those souls that prefer beef based soups. And then there's Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, which Click here to read the rest of this story (837 more lines)
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