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How To Become A Trillionaire (and lose 20 lbs) (standard:humor, 11306 words)
Author: Dr. Murray TrillionaireAdded: Sep 06 2007Views/Reads: 2156/1937Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Dr. Murray Trillionaire will help you to become a trillionaire and to lose weight at the same time.

“It's so nice to be insane.  No one asks you to explain.  Radio by your
side, Angie Baby.” -Helen Reddy, Angie Baby This book is not for 
everyone!  Let me just start by saying that if you're the type of 
person who would be content with just a couple of billion dollars in 
your bank account, then this book is not for you.  Why don't you just 
go buy some Krispy Kreme franchise or create some little operating 
system for a computer?  This book is for ambitious people who want to 
become trillionaires.  After all, everyone from Trenton to Newark, from 
Atlantic City to Jersey City knows that being a  billionaire is so 
1990s!  Been there.  Done that.  And what does a billion dollars get 
you these days anyway?  A relatively nice town house in a good section 
of Manhattan costs about twenty million dollars.  That's right; buy 
fifty of them and your billion dollars is gone.  With what money do you 
decorate?  And each one of your New York town houses is going to need a 
home movie theater.  Well, that's another billion. I know what you're 
thinking at this point, “I could never make a trillion dollars on my 
own!  I only make $15 an hour.  I'd have to work over 66 billion hours 
this year to bring home a trillion dollars.  There goes my 2 week 
vacation at the beach house this summer!”   That's where I come in; you 
need me.  Don't be ashamed.  Everyone needs a little help from his 
friends—even the big cats! While most people were impressed with Warren 
Buffett's so called little donation of about 30 billion dollars, I was 
not fooled with his little  charade.  Did you notice that he did not 
give his money to The United Jewish Appeal, The American Cancer 
Society, Jerry Lewis's telethon , or Save the Whales like most people 
would have done?  No, he gave it to Bill Gates.  Why?  Because these 
two partners are in cahoots to become the first trillionaires.  They 
were both afraid that they couldn't do it on their own.  So they've 
formed a little partnership.  A trillion dollars is a lot of money.  It 
helps to have a partner.  Rest assured.  I'm your  partner.  And we'll 
beat Warren and Bill to the punch.  True, they are currently in the 
lead as they have about 100 billion dollars between the two of them.  
But we have some great ideas. How To Become A Trillionaire (and lose 20 
lbs) is full of brilliant ideas that will help us reach our financial 
goal and lose weight in the process.   At this point, you are probably 
wondering, “But Murray, you've come up with the ideas, so who needs 
me?”  It's a good question, and I'm glad you've  mentioned it.  
Although I'm pretty good at coming up with ideas, I'm not very good at 
implementing them; it usually requires too much work.  So that's where 
you'll come in.  You'll be doing the actual work. My first, documented, 
brilliant idea came when I was five.  Back in Kindergarten my best 
friend was David Lerner, quite an ironic name for someone who was so 
incapable of learning much of anything.  By the end of October, 
everyone in our class (except David) knew the alphabet.  David would 
usually get stuck around D.  Our teacher Mrs. Suskind was patient and 
would go over and over the alphabet with David every day to really no 
avail. So I decided that I needed to intervene with what I thought was 
a pretty innovative idea: an abridged version of the alphabet for 
idiots.  We'd get rid of s, k, z, and q and just use c in their place 
as c pretty much covers all their sounds.  I also believed that v and f 
were redundant as they make pretty much the same sound.  To prove my 
point, go and tell someone to “go vuck themself” and see what they say. 
 My alphabet for idiots, known just as the alpha got down to about 
twenty letters, half of which would be relegated to second class status 
to be learned only upon completion of junior high school.  For now, 
David would just need to learn a, b, c, and d (which he had already 
mastered) and finish with e, g, i, l, m, and o.  Pretty good idea, no?  
Well, Mrs. Suskind told me that in order to implement it, we'd have to 
sell the idea to every idiot that there was on the planet.  And she 
emphasized that there were many!  I couldn't be bothered.  Too much 
work.  It was easier to just find another best friend. So you partners 
are my implementers.  You'll need to do all the work and will be 
compensated handsomely.  We'll split all the profits with me getting 
85%. MOI VS. OTHER ‘SUPPOSED' SELF-HELPERS I'm the type of person who 
absolutely refuses to bad mouth anyone.  It's just not in my nature, 
and besides, it creates bad karma!  But there are a lot of really bad 
self-help books out there.  In fact, I think that they ALL stink.   
Every single one that has ever been written.  Have you ever read Jack 
Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen's  Chicken Soup For The Soul?  I read 
it.  Well, I actually love that one.  But then my soul is Jewish and 
loves chicken soup.  But what about all those vegetarian souls out 
there?  Do you now see why Canfield and Hansen have only sold 80 
million books and not more?  They never thought about the vegetarian 
souls or even those souls that prefer beef based soups. And then 
there's Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, which 

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