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The Greatest Hero.......Ever (standard:humor, 1058 words)
Author: denis holzhauserAdded: Nov 30 2001Views/Reads: 2927/1124Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Somebody had to be the first one...
 



To fully grasp the untold story of how the world began,we must
understand that man had no knowledge or history since nothing had come 
before.What I am going to tell you,is what was told to me,by my 
ancestors,information that had been passed from generation to 
generation to generation,first orally then after a great time,written 
and typed,then finally,orally on tape. 

It seems,as it was explained to me by my ancestors,to have began with a
very distant great,great,great uncle,on my father's side of the 
family,called Uglish...a first name or title,since no one had a proper 
family name then,remember that neither time or the concept of time had 
yet been discovered.Uglish was to become a notable among his 
tribe,respected as a wise man,his main claim to notability was he was 
the member of the tribe who had discovered the oyster.As it has been 
told in our family,prior to the discovery of the oyster,the tribes 
existed on grapes,berries and other edible growing things.It has been 
told to me that flesh of any kind was not considered food,nor was 
hunting yet practiced,after all,we're talking about millions of years 
ago. 

Uglish was supposedly wading in fairly shallow waters a short distance
from the camping grounds when he was seen to have tripped and went 
under water.In his fright he had grabbed for something to prevent him 
from going down again,no one could swim or even float yet...what he was 
supposed to have told the counsel was that he reached out and grabbed a 
hard mound of very rough stones and had been able to regain his 
balance. When he had pressed his weight against this mound,a rough and 
sharp piece had broke off and had remained in his hand.To him ,it was a 
rock...and as he made his way back to shallower waters,he studied his 
stone that had saved him. 

When he waded ashore,he looked at his prize and was about to throw it
away,when he shoke it,and he heard water...as was told to me,he 
said,like the shells,that they had all,at one time or another listened 
to,it had made like the roaring of the waves. 

He decided to keep his memento,and sat in the sand to rest.When he had
regained his composure,he began to study the stone more carefully and 
when he shoke it,again,he decided something was splashing 
about,inside.Then he did something that changed his life forever.He 
began to try to open the shell.He tried to pry it open with his 
caloused hands,then he broke a stick by wedging it into the side of the 
shell.The people had been watching for some time and some of them  
began to laugh and joke about Uglish's strange behavior with,what to 
them,was a rock.He got very angry and red in the face,both from the 
physical strain he was putting upon hisself trying to get the rock 
opened and from embarrassment over the ridicule being heaped upon 
him,by those watching him. 

Finally,in desperation he borrowed a flint that had been chipped into a
rough shaped knife and used it as a pry,which slowly,but with much 
strain by Uglish,began to slightly intrude between the tightly sealed 
lips of the shell.Then he began to wedge it deeper and to twist it to 
loosen the sealed sides.At last,he had opened it,and everyone had 
crowded round to watch Uglish,out of breathe,panting and very red in 
the face,look inside.Then he saw,what could only be discribed 
as..mucus. Everyone begin to laugh and point at him..they mimed his 
labors to get the shell opened and grunted and strained as he had 
done.He watched with a silent anger and finally,so as to prove that he 
had not been surprised at all at what he had found,he did something 
that silenced and stunned  everybody there,and made himself famous 
forever,he grabbed the mucus laying inside the bottom half of the shell 
and swallowed the sickening looking goop.He,instantly,became a man of 
some considerable status.He had done the unthinkable,to the rest of the 
tribe,he had eaten phlegm,it may have sickened some of them,but others 
had been impressed by his bravado,he had stunned the entire tribe into 
silence, something no one had ever seen anyone do before.No one knew 
that Uglish had had two almost instantaneous reactions,firstly,he had 
felt that he was going to throw up,then he had realized he had 
swallowed something that had tasted like nothing he had ever eaten 
before.The second thought changed him from a middle of the pack 
nobody,into a man of some status,even if he had sickened about half of 
those assembled,which in fact was almost the entire village.He fought 
back an urge to throw up,thinking that nothing that had looked so bad 
could have tasted so good...but it had and he may,at sometime in the 


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