|Senior Reunion (standard:humor, 3985 words) [1/5] show all parts|
|Author: Hugh||Updated: Oct 04 2004||Views/Reads: 2456/1537||Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|Story of senior citizens going to a reunion. Funny episodes of the seniors.|
Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story protection of my long gone mother looking over me. And I knew for sure disaster was very near and danger threatened. Maybe I should not write chapter two. I have already been hung once, and banned hundreds of times. So Being a nice boy. Let me know if I should continue with the ferry sinking and what happened next in chapter two. Back to top Chapter 2. As I stepped into the shower I felt the warm water flowing over my body, my hands began to drift downwards slowly over my beer belly, at that moment I fell to the floor. I felt my legs, one was missing and I realised I had left my wooden leg on the bunk. I gathered up the soap and washed the walls with it. I hate dirty walls. When it was clean, I staggered to my bunk and retrieved my leg. I got my teeth out of the spittoon were I placed them for safety and a good clean, its cheaper than sterident and a safe. I washed the dog ends off my teeth and gave them a rub on the carpet. My sister always said if you want to be loved you berk, smarten up. I always remember her advice. And I try hard to be good and a credit to her. This I find easy, as she isn't watching me all the time. And I am very capable on my own. There are times I know that I need a lawyer but that's because my friends lead me on. I dressed for breakfast in my new suit, it was really nice and had buttons all the way up. I like being modern and my romper suit was the latest fashion in London. And it's not true that its expensive at all in london. Mothercare is cheap. I drifted down the hall way past Captain ST Bligh, s cabin. His valet was dressing him and his gold braid uniform was hanging on the door. I noticed the Valet pulling hard on his corset. My I thought to myself, that man is very slim. With a smile I headed to the café where breakfast was being served. There was a long table by the port windows filled with food. You could help yourself, or sit and wait for the skivvies to serve you, posh like. What's good today I asked one skivvie, she took out her hankie and blew her nose missing the hankie and hitting the bacon? You can have an English breakfast she said wiping the remains of her nose. No thanks darling I said I cant eat bacon I am Jewish, trying not to offend her. I will have the sheep's head instead. She said yes sir; sit down and I will bring it to you. She arrived at my table sheep's head under a platter, can you bring me coffee as well I asked, yes sir she replied looking at my new suit. She fancies me I though, and why not, there are not many men with beer bellies that wear suits. She must be impressed. I sucked out the sheep's eyes, Arab style that I had learned in Bradford by real Arabs. Not forgetting to burp when she came back with my coffee. Jesus I though, she will fall in love with me soon if I carry on showing her my class. My sister was right, I had smartened up. I glanced towards the opposite wall and saw Moriarty and Darth Vader, they were discussing what to have for breakfast, as they were very thin they wanted some fattening food and argued over what was the best. After a while they decided on carrots and celery. I smiled such fools those fellows are. Have you ever seen a fat carrot or stick of celery I thought? Some people are funny, and have no class. The café doors flew open, and in walked Captain ST Bligh. In full uniform and covered in gold braid. As always he looked magnificent with all his medals on as well. As he tried to sit down his sabre hanging from a scabbard and a rapier in his left boot stopped him from placing his bum on the chair. In a controlled voice he shouted, you silly Pratt. I think it's a military term for sabres that are to long. He then in a controlled way placed the swords on the floor, crossways. Her ordered a banquet, as he is not on suplimenty benefit, nor claims a rent rebate. I have never met anyone so wealthy; all my friends are on the dole or in prison. He proceeded to gorge his roast swan stuffed with acorns. I watched thinking if I could be like that my sister wanted I would know that I am not a berk anymore. As I dwelled on that thought with pride the sound of bagpipes grew louder. Till the doors of the café flew open ripping of there hinges. And there stood a giant of a barbarian, with a frock on, I learned later it was a kilt. He was from the darkest highlands in a far off country were they still battle week in and week out at the Celtic and Rangers matches. He saw the swords on the floor and with a passion he danced the jig all over them, missing the blades as he gathered speed, at the same time blowing his pipes and singing the if your Irish **** off. That was a new song I thought, I must listen to the radio more often. Mrs dales diary must be out of date, it dawned on me. Captain ST Bligh was not amused, and with a controlled rage he demanded that the ferry Captain ban him and throw him off the ferry. The Ferry Captain saluted Captain ST Bligh and said Sir I would if I could, he scares the pants of me, but he has a ticket, and is claiming diplomatic immunity as a foreigner. Nothing but an excuse Bligh bellowed back, cant you see he is disrupting the ship, and driving the new passengers away, it wasn't like that years ago, he went on. The barbarian was still jigging all over Captain ST Bligh's swords and never cut his toes once. Captain ST Bligh then in another controlled rage rushed at the barbarian, the barbarian seeing this flash of gold braid coming towards him in a menacing fashion lifted up his frock, the captain took one look and fled. O I thought, that must be his sporran. But why wear it under his frock I thought. I went over to him and said excuse me sir, he replied bisoff in Gaelic and a heavy accent, which I think, means welcome friend in English. I asked him about his frock, and he kissed me with his head in affection. I learned later that it's a Glasgow welcome to English visitors; they learn it very young there in the dark-lands. To be polite to English Visitors when we play football up there. They say its because they admire us for better football, so they kiss us with their heads. Its like the French people, they kiss you on your cheeks each side, But Barbarians don't want to pass on germs so they kiss your head with their heads, I though, my these fellows are so thoughtful. As he lifted me up in the air I think he wanted me to look out the porthole. A sound of music resounded around the café. There in the splendour of a Teddy boy suit stood the axeman. The Barbarian dropped me gently down on the floor and broke my wooden leg. I didn't blame him him in anyway, as it was cracked and I had enough kisses from him already. I didn't need another my head had love bites all over it. The Axeman had a laptop under his arm, and a wogbox in his hand and out blasted hound dog by Elvis. I looked at his blue suede shoes and thought what class this man has, they are far flashier than Captain ST Bligh's gold braid. I thought of ways to steal them. My mind drifted back to my train robbing days with Ronnie Biggs. Maybe I could throw a mailbag over his head and nick them while he tried to get out of the bag. As I planned the robbery, Captain ST Bligh came back into the café as he had heard the boss was in. He flung himself prostate on the floor and kissed the axemans blue suede shoes. The axeman accepted the homage and said rise up Captain, and go about your good work with the forum members. This he did for over ten minutes. Before he started blessing them all with the English equivalent of a Glasgow kiss, he then ran around shouting Pratts to you all. I am very proud and humble that my country is so polite to other nations as well as our own people. I think that why he was a Captain, he was educated. I try to educate myself and learn all I can from my betters. My sister used to say to me, listen you berk, and learn. I need to find out what Pratt means, so I put the word in my diary to read up later in my dictionary. I was feeling a little tired and fascinated by the wonders I had seen and witnessed by now, and thought I needed a drink. I went down to the French Lorry that Victor gets his duty free, s from. And opened up the back. Victor was still there with a red nose. I think he was cold, Hi Vic I said, P, iss off he replied. And threw a bottle at me. I caught it and saw that it was half full, thanks mate I needed that, victor said if I had known it wasn't empty I wouldn't have throw it. But he likes me really so I think he was joking. It's nice to have friends that share. Feeling a little p, issed I returned to my cabin. There I super glued my leg. And had a sniff as well. The ships secretary knocked on my door, Hugh she asked could I get you to fill in this form, I like to keep a file on everyone so that I can blackmail them woops, sorry I meant correct them, a slip of the tongue sorry. Well I had heard of Royal Mail and E-mail, I thought this must be the latest mail. So I told her everything being a nice fellow, she then pulled out her filing cabinet from her handbag and filed it under got ham or get him something like that. Nice lady I thought as she shut the cabin door on my fingers I think accidentally as she laughed. She knocked on my door every ten minutes for an update after that when I was in my cabin. Very efficient I thought and such dedication. What I couldn't understand was how she fitted a six-foot filing cabinet in her handbag. She told me she wanted to save up enough to buy her own ship, and only have private passengers. That way she said she could keep out the riff raff. And when she wants to mix with the rough and stupid she would use a public ship. Which made sense to me. God I thought why did I bunk off school and remain thick. I could be like her an office clerk. I dressed for lunch in my dinner suit. With a built in bib. I picked up that idea in mothercraft, which is my favourite boutique; it's very posh in there. And headed for the restaurant, the smell drifting all over the ship. I must take a bath I told myself and stop washing the walls. Maybe Sylvie was right, I should wash my body for a change. As I entered the barbarian was throwing Dirks at Captain ST Bligh. The Teddy boy was gumming up Microsoft because they wouldn't give him a free XP professional for his laptop. I smiled and said look Axeman, why waste your time; I can sell you a pirate for a fiver. He looked at me the way those jocks do, and said, Laddie I aint spending that much. And banned me for six weeks for the exploitation of a minority. I though axeman is the right bloody name for him. He stood up and kissed my head. Well I though, I hope I meet an Iraqi soon, they shoot you quick but these jocks are a bit rough with kisses. I don't know how the scotch birds stand it. It must take years of pain to die, kissing the scotch way. Maybe that's why Scotch women have a lot of headaches I thought when their husbands come home from the pub. I should have done geography at school. The food looked good it was that Japanese stuff, raw, I had never seen it before, and London only has fish and chips and pie and mash. The thought flashed through my mind, Sylvie will be impressed when I tell her. I picked up a plate full, and saw the raw food still fresh and alive swimming around in the gravy. I don't know what it was called but I remembered the days when I used to fish in the canals of London. They were like the maggots I used on my hook. I thought these must be Japanese delicacies. I ate the lot; the waitress fainted as she watched me enjoying my meal. I called over the manager who was about 69 years old and I pointed out the lady on the floor. He went over and kicked her, but she never moved. I think she is dead he told me. How tragic I said in utter shook what would you do. He said she was a lazy bitch anyway; I will phone the coast guard and get a replacement. I was stunned. I never thought of the coast guard, these people are so organized. Yes it was stupid of me to bunk of school I told myself, I could have been just like him, and never have needed to worry who would serve dinner tonight. I looked around the restaurant and noticed victor on his knees and a vicar blessing him. How touching I though, Vic is at confession. I waited till the vicar had blessed him, and Vic drank the whole cup of wine. He's smart that victor I thought, I haven't seen him buy a bottle yet. The vicar came over to me after blessing victor; hello he said stuffing a gold plate in my face for a donation. I'm the Padre Thomas Doubt. I'm not a catholic I told him, trying to hide under the table. Neither am I he said. I'm from the agnostic church of Salt River flats in Afghanistan. I was thankful, at least he wasn't one of those bloody Mormons that ring my bell every week, telling me about Armageddon. It drove me made years ago with my daughters and that bloody Donnie Osmond. Hello Vicar I said. Vicar, Vicar I am an agnostic Padre he bellowed With fire and damnation glaring out of his eyes just like Robert Mitcham as that evil preacher in that terrible film years ago. He thumped the table with the power of the lord himself. Stunned with fear I froze. At the same time a bowl of custard shot up into the air from the thumped table and landed on the barbarians head, by this time me and the padre were hiding under the table, we had watched in slow motion that custard bowl rise and fall. And we both knew where it was going to land. The Captain ST Bligh was eating his maggots or what ever they were, on the table next to us and the barbarian turned around, he had a cross of blue painted on his face, I had a powerful feeling or urge I wasn't sure what [as I usually only get urges in female company,] but it was like that, I wanted to add a few noughts and crosses to it, but the Padre being wiser than me held me down. Captain St Bligh looked at the barbarians rage, he got up and went over to the Teddy Boy and said, listen axeman I think I am in a tight spot here with that barbarian trouble maker what are you going to do about him. That's easy said the axeman, just go and lick it off. Your good at that, my suede shoes have never been so clean. The Padre arose from under the table, and with the wisdom of the lord he went over to the barbarian and said, this is a sign from Afghanistan the yellow will match the blue and you will have the cross of St Andrew blessed on your face for the Celtic Game you cannot loose to rangers now. The barbarian was delighted, thinking the captain was in some way a part of this divine blessing went over and gave him the biggest Glasgow Kiss he could manage, thanks Captain he said with the light of the Lord all over his face. And the Captain fell to the floor. What's the matter with him asked the barbarian, don't worry said the Padre as we both left quickly. He was a virgin, and has never been kissed before by a Jock. The day was still young and I thought of the dinner and dance that would be held that night. Time to wash now with some soap I thought. Yes Sylvie would like that I thought, she might even talk to me without holding her nose. My dream seemed a long time ago, maybe my mums warning wasn't real. What could go wrong know I thought? I glanced out of the porthole and yelled out O No. The padre ran in, what's the matter my son he asked, Father forgive me I begged, why my son he shouted, fearing I was Dying or had sinned by not thinking of a woman. [Well he was agnostic wasn't he.]? I got my head stuck father I cried. Don't panic my son he said, I will get help, he left my cabin and went for help, taking my wallet with him. The ships filing clerk returned before help came she opened up her handbag and retrieved her filing cabinet and then she photographed me in my predicament, and went through my personal papers taking miniature photos with one of those 16 mil spy cameras. She filed all the information in her filing cabinet. Then folded it up and replaced it in her handbag. Then left after biting my bottom. But that was better than shutting my fingers in the door, I concluded. Why are some women like that I thought. Time will tell that's for sure. I relaxed as I waited, thinking to myself at least the ferry didn't sink. And the day is now turning to evening. Aren't I lucky I thought with my head stuck in the porthole? I heard the Captain of the ferry arrive with an aid, Hello Sailor he said to me, I have some Vaseline. I trembled at the thought of a sailor with Vaseline, and fainted. Could this get worse before the day is done. Tweet
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