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Senior Reunion (standard:humor, 3985 words) [1/5] show all parts
Author: HughUpdated: Oct 04 2004Views/Reads: 2456/1537Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Story of senior citizens going to a reunion. Funny episodes of the seniors.
 



Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

protection of my long gone mother looking over me. And I knew for sure 
disaster was very near and danger threatened. 

Maybe I should not write chapter two. I have already been hung once, and
banned hundreds of times. 

So Being a nice boy. Let me know if I should continue with the ferry
sinking and what happened next in chapter two. 

Back to top 

Chapter 2. 

As I stepped into the shower I felt the warm water flowing over my body,
my hands began to drift downwards slowly over my beer belly, at that 
moment I fell to the floor. I felt my legs, one was missing and I 
realised I had left my wooden leg on the bunk. I gathered up the soap 
and washed the walls with it. I hate dirty walls. When it was clean, I 
staggered to my bunk and retrieved my leg. I got my teeth out of the 
spittoon were I placed them for safety and a good clean, its cheaper 
than sterident and a safe. I washed the dog ends off my teeth and gave 
them a rub on the carpet. My sister always said if you want to be loved 
you berk, smarten up. I always remember her advice. And I try hard to 
be good and a credit to her. This I find easy, as she isn't watching me 
all the time. And I am very capable on my own. There are times I know 
that I need a lawyer but that's because my friends lead me on. 

I dressed for breakfast in my new suit, it was really nice and had
buttons all the way up. I like being modern and my romper suit was the 
latest fashion in London. And it's not true that its expensive at all 
in london. Mothercare is cheap. I drifted down the hall way past 
Captain ST Bligh, s cabin. His valet was dressing him and his gold 
braid uniform was hanging on the door. I noticed the Valet pulling hard 
on his corset. My I thought to myself, that man is very slim. With a 
smile I headed to the café where breakfast was being served. There was 
a long table by the port windows filled with food. You could help 
yourself, or sit and wait for the skivvies to serve you, posh like. 
What's good today I asked one skivvie, she took out her hankie and blew 
her nose missing the hankie and hitting the bacon? You can have an 
English breakfast she said wiping the remains of her nose. No thanks 
darling I said I cant eat bacon I am Jewish, trying not to offend her. 
I will have the sheep's head instead. She said yes sir; sit down and I 
will bring it to you. 

She arrived at my table sheep's head under a platter, can you bring me
coffee as well I asked, yes sir she replied looking at my new suit. She 
fancies me I though, and why not, there are not many men with beer 
bellies that wear suits. She must be impressed. I sucked out the 
sheep's eyes, Arab style that I had learned in Bradford by real Arabs. 
Not forgetting to burp when she came back with my coffee. Jesus I 
though, she will fall in love with me soon if I carry on showing her my 
class. My sister was right, I had smartened up. 

I glanced towards the opposite wall and saw Moriarty and Darth Vader,
they were discussing what to have for breakfast, as they were very thin 
they wanted some fattening food and argued over what was the best. 
After a while they decided on carrots and celery. I smiled such fools 
those fellows are. Have you ever seen a fat carrot or stick of celery I 
thought? Some people are funny, and have no class. 

The café doors flew open, and in walked Captain ST Bligh. In full
uniform and covered in gold braid. As always he looked magnificent with 
all his medals on as well. As he tried to sit down his sabre hanging 
from a scabbard and a rapier in his left boot stopped him from placing 
his bum on the chair. In a controlled voice he shouted, you silly 
Pratt. I think it's a military term for sabres that are to long. He 
then in a controlled way placed the swords on the floor, crossways. Her 
ordered a banquet, as he is not on suplimenty benefit, nor claims a 
rent rebate. I have never met anyone so wealthy; all my friends are on 
the dole or in prison. He proceeded to gorge his roast swan stuffed 
with acorns. I watched thinking if I could be like that my sister 
wanted I would know that I am not a berk anymore. 

As I dwelled on that thought with pride the sound of bagpipes grew
louder. Till the doors of the café flew open ripping of there hinges. 
And there stood a giant of a barbarian, with a frock on, I learned 
later it was a kilt. He was from the darkest highlands in a far off 
country were they still battle week in and week out at the Celtic and 
Rangers matches. He saw the swords on the floor and with a passion he 
danced the jig all over them, missing the blades as he gathered speed, 
at the same time blowing his pipes and singing the if your Irish **** 
off. That was a new song I thought, I must listen to the radio more 
often. Mrs dales diary must be out of date, it dawned on me. 

Captain ST Bligh was not amused, and with a controlled rage he demanded
that the ferry Captain ban him and throw him off the ferry. The Ferry 
Captain saluted Captain ST Bligh and said Sir I would if I could, he 
scares the pants of me, but he has a ticket, and is claiming diplomatic 
immunity as a foreigner. Nothing but an excuse Bligh bellowed back, 
cant you see he is disrupting the ship, and driving the new passengers 
away, it wasn't like that years ago, he went on. The barbarian was 
still jigging all over Captain ST Bligh's swords and never cut his toes 
once. 

Captain ST Bligh then in another controlled rage rushed at the
barbarian, the barbarian seeing this flash of gold braid coming towards 
him in a menacing fashion lifted up his frock, the captain took one 
look and fled. O I thought, that must be his sporran. But why wear it 
under his frock I thought. I went over to him and said excuse me sir, 
he replied bisoff in Gaelic and a heavy accent, which I think, means 
welcome friend in English. I asked him about his frock, and he kissed 
me with his head in affection. I learned later that it's a Glasgow 
welcome to English visitors; they learn it very young there in the 
dark-lands. To be polite to English Visitors when we play football up 
there. They say its because they admire us for better football, so they 
kiss us with their heads. Its like the French people, they kiss you on 
your cheeks each side, But Barbarians don't want to pass on germs so 
they kiss your head with their heads, I though, my these fellows are so 
thoughtful. As he lifted me up in the air I think he wanted me to look 
out the porthole. A sound of music resounded around the café. 

There in the splendour of a Teddy boy suit stood the axeman. The
Barbarian dropped me gently down on the floor and broke my wooden leg. 
I didn't blame him him in anyway, as it was cracked and I had enough 
kisses from him already. I didn't need another my head had love bites 
all over it. 

The Axeman had a laptop under his arm, and a wogbox in his hand and out
blasted hound dog by Elvis. 

I looked at his blue suede shoes and thought what class this man has,
they are far flashier than Captain ST Bligh's gold braid. I thought of 
ways to steal them. My mind drifted back to my train robbing days with 
Ronnie Biggs. Maybe I could throw a mailbag over his head and nick them 
while he tried to get out of the bag. As I planned the robbery, Captain 
ST Bligh came back into the café as he had heard the boss was in. He 
flung himself prostate on the floor and kissed the axemans blue suede 
shoes. The axeman accepted the homage and said rise up Captain, and go 
about your good work with the forum members. 

This he did for over ten minutes. Before he started blessing them all
with the English equivalent of a Glasgow kiss, he then ran around 
shouting Pratts to you all. I am very proud and humble that my country 
is so polite to other nations as well as our own people. I think that 
why he was a Captain, he was educated. I try to educate myself and 
learn all I can from my betters. My sister used to say to me, listen 
you berk, and learn. I need to find out what Pratt means, so I put the 
word in my diary to read up later in my dictionary. 

I was feeling a little tired and fascinated by the wonders I had seen
and witnessed by now, and thought I needed a drink. I went down to the 
French Lorry that Victor gets his duty free, s from. And opened up the 
back. Victor was still there with a red nose. I think he was cold, Hi 
Vic I said, P, iss off he replied. And threw a bottle at me. I caught 
it and saw that it was half full, thanks mate I needed that, victor 
said if I had known it wasn't empty I wouldn't have throw it. But he 
likes me really so I think he was joking. It's nice to have friends 
that share. 

Feeling a little p, issed I returned to my cabin. There I super glued my
leg. And had a sniff as well. 

The ships secretary knocked on my door, Hugh she asked could I get you
to fill in this form, I like to keep a file on everyone so that I can 
blackmail them woops, sorry I meant correct them, a slip of the tongue 
sorry. Well I had heard of Royal Mail and E-mail, I thought this must 
be the latest mail. So I told her everything being a nice fellow, she 
then pulled out her filing cabinet from her handbag and filed it under 
got ham or get him something like that. 

Nice lady I thought as she shut the cabin door on my fingers I think
accidentally as she laughed. She knocked on my door every ten minutes 
for an update after that when I was in my cabin. Very efficient I 
thought and such dedication. What I couldn't understand was how she 
fitted a six-foot filing cabinet in her handbag. 

She told me she wanted to save up enough to buy her own ship, and only
have private passengers. That way she said she could keep out the riff 
raff. And when she wants to mix with the rough and stupid she would use 
a public ship. Which made sense to me. God I thought why did I bunk off 
school and remain thick. I could be like her an office clerk. 

I dressed for lunch in my dinner suit. With a built in bib. I picked up
that idea in mothercraft, which is my favourite boutique; it's very 
posh in there. And headed for the restaurant, the smell drifting all 
over the ship. I must take a bath I told myself and stop washing the 
walls. Maybe Sylvie was right, I should wash my body for a change. As I 
entered the barbarian was throwing Dirks at Captain ST Bligh. The Teddy 
boy was gumming up Microsoft because they wouldn't give him a free XP 
professional for his laptop. I smiled and said look Axeman, why waste 
your time; I can sell you a pirate for a fiver. He looked at me the way 
those jocks do, and said, Laddie I aint spending that much. And banned 
me for six weeks for the exploitation of a minority. I though axeman is 
the right bloody name for him. He stood up and kissed my head. Well I 
though, I hope I meet an Iraqi soon, they shoot you quick but these 
jocks are a bit rough with kisses. I don't know how the scotch birds 
stand it. It must take years of pain to die, kissing the scotch way. 
Maybe that's why Scotch women have a lot of headaches I thought when 
their husbands come home from the pub. I should have done geography at 
school. 

The food looked good it was that Japanese stuff, raw, I had never seen
it before, and London only has fish and chips and pie and mash. The 
thought flashed through my mind, Sylvie will be impressed when I tell 
her. 

I picked up a plate full, and saw the raw food still fresh and alive
swimming around in the gravy. I don't know what it was called but I 
remembered the days when I used to fish in the canals of London. They 
were like the maggots I used on my hook. I thought these must be 
Japanese delicacies. I ate the lot; the waitress fainted as she watched 
me enjoying my meal. I called over the manager who was about 69 years 
old and I pointed out the lady on the floor. He went over and kicked 
her, but she never moved. I think she is dead he told me. How tragic I 
said in utter shook what would you do. He said she was a lazy bitch 
anyway; I will phone the coast guard and get a replacement. I was 
stunned. I never thought of the coast guard, these people are so 
organized. Yes it was stupid of me to bunk of school I told myself, I 
could have been just like him, and never have needed to worry who would 
serve dinner tonight. 

I looked around the restaurant and noticed victor on his knees and a
vicar blessing him. How touching I though, Vic is at confession. I 
waited till the vicar had blessed him, and Vic drank the whole cup of 
wine. He's smart that victor I thought, I haven't seen him buy a bottle 
yet. 

The vicar came over to me after blessing victor; hello he said stuffing
a gold plate in my face for a donation. I'm the Padre Thomas Doubt. I'm 
not a catholic I told him, trying to hide under the table. Neither am I 
he said. I'm from the agnostic church of Salt River flats in 
Afghanistan. 

I was thankful, at least he wasn't one of those bloody Mormons that ring
my bell every week, telling me about Armageddon. It drove me made years 
ago with my daughters and that bloody Donnie Osmond. 

Hello Vicar I said. Vicar, Vicar I am an agnostic Padre he bellowed With
fire and damnation glaring out of his eyes just like Robert Mitcham as 
that evil preacher in that terrible film years ago. He thumped the 
table with the power of the lord himself. Stunned with fear I froze. At 
the same time a bowl of custard shot up into the air from the thumped 
table and landed on the barbarians head, by this time me and the padre 
were hiding under the table, we had watched in slow motion that custard 
bowl rise and fall. And we both knew where it was going to land. The 
Captain ST Bligh was eating his maggots or what ever they were, on the 
table next to us and the barbarian turned around, he had a cross of 
blue painted on his face, I had a powerful feeling or urge I wasn't 
sure what [as I usually only get urges in female company,] but it was 
like that, I wanted to add a few noughts and crosses to it, but the 
Padre being wiser than me held me down. 

Captain St Bligh looked at the barbarians rage, he got up and went over
to the Teddy Boy and said, listen axeman I think I am in a tight spot 
here with that barbarian trouble maker what are you going to do about 
him. That's easy said the axeman, just go and lick it off. Your good at 
that, my suede shoes have never been so clean. The Padre arose from 
under the table, and with the wisdom of the lord he went over to the 
barbarian and said, this is a sign from Afghanistan the yellow will 
match the blue and you will have the cross of St Andrew blessed on your 
face for the Celtic Game you cannot loose to rangers now. 

The barbarian was delighted, thinking the captain was in some way a part
of this divine blessing went over and gave him the biggest Glasgow Kiss 
he could manage, thanks Captain he said with the light of the Lord all 
over his face. And the Captain fell to the floor. What's the matter 
with him asked the barbarian, don't worry said the Padre as we both 
left quickly. He was a virgin, and has never been kissed before by a 
Jock. 

The day was still young and I thought of the dinner and dance that would
be held that night. Time to wash now with some soap I thought. Yes 
Sylvie would like that I thought, she might even talk to me without 
holding her nose. 

My dream seemed a long time ago, maybe my mums warning wasn't real. What
could go wrong know I thought? I glanced out of the porthole and yelled 
out O No. The padre ran in, what's the matter my son he asked, Father 
forgive me I begged, why my son he shouted, fearing I was Dying or had 
sinned by not thinking of a woman. [Well he was agnostic wasn't he.]? I 
got my head stuck father I cried. Don't panic my son he said, I will 
get help, he left my cabin and went for help, taking my wallet with 
him. 

The ships filing clerk returned before help came she opened up her
handbag and retrieved her filing cabinet and then she photographed me 
in my predicament, and went through my personal papers taking miniature 
photos with one of those 16 mil spy cameras. She filed all the 
information in her filing cabinet. Then folded it up and replaced it in 
her handbag. Then left after biting my bottom. But that was better than 
shutting my fingers in the door, I concluded. Why are some women like 
that I thought. Time will tell that's for sure. 

I relaxed as I waited, thinking to myself at least the ferry didn't
sink. And the day is now turning to evening. Aren't I lucky I thought 
with my head stuck in the porthole? I heard the Captain of the ferry 
arrive with an aid, Hello Sailor he said to me, I have some Vaseline. I 
trembled at the thought of a sailor with Vaseline, and fainted. Could 
this get worse before the day is done.


   



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