Seniors Reunion Part 2 (standard:humor, 5455 words) [2/5] show all parts
Author: Hugh	Added: Sep 29 2004	Views/Reads: 2559/1940	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Second part to Seniors reunion. Continues with the characters in Seniors Reunion.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

the padre had, I wanted to melt it down and make a gold leg. The way I 
see it is this, if Frank Sinatra can have a golden arm, why cant I have 
a golden leg. Then with the axemans suede shoes I could go out jiving 
again and pull a posh bird. 

Now that golden leg didn't matter any more I had met a lady with twice
the wooden legs I had, and we could share them. After all, Sylvie used 
to say, three legs are better than one. And she went to college. 

The padre bid me farewell and said he may pop into the dance tonight,
and try to convert some rich old dears into joining his church. I asked 
him what about the poor ones. He said don't worry they are all 
Catholics. A thought crossed my mind; this church game must be good 
money. Maybe I could form a conservative church for the advancement of 
labour. As I rested before the evening dance I dwelled on my 
commandments. Eat fish on Mondays because the Jesus fishermen started 
work every Monday. Eat pork on Sundays as the Jewish and Moslem 
religions don't eat it at all, therefore it would be cheaper to buy, 
and I could corner the pork market. Do not steal from the poor, only 
the rich like Robin Hood. That's a smart one I thought, the poor are 
skint anyway it's a waste of time robbing them. I noted this down my 
diary for future reference. The thought crossed my mind; I will have to 
get a six-foot filing cabinet soon. 

Singing in the shower, leaving the walls alone I washed away. I need a
shave as well, I thought. So I got my lady shave out and ran it over my 
wooden leg, I didn't want to have splinters if I was lucky tonight with 
the nurse. I dried my self by rolling on the carpet; I made another 
note in my diary, nick towel as soon as possible. Looking at my dinner 
suit trousers I could see creases and dribble all over them from 
lunchtime. I had no iron to press them; maybe I could borrow one I 
thought. As I passed by Captain ST Bligh, s cabin I saw his trousers 
hanging on the hanger near the door. They looked the same size, but had 
a gold band down the sides; about six inches wide. He won't know I 
thought, so I swopped them with mine. Back at my cabin I used black 
boot polish to hide the gold braid. That will do I thought with a smile 
on my face, and they were clean and didn't smell. There was no point in 
washing with soap if my pants smelt. So-as it turned out that was a 
good move on my part. 

The captain was calling his valet a Pratt as I passed his door on the
way to the dance, he glanced at my smart pants and not seeing the black 
boot polish covering his gold stripes envied me. His valet was rushing 
around cutting tassels off the curtains and machining them onto my old 
pants. Boy did they smell I thought, being washed with soap for the 
first time in my life I could smell clearly. Sylvie was right to hold 
her nose when she came near me, god it was strong stuff coming from the 
Captains cabin, ever the valet had a gas mask on, but the captain was 
so mad, he smelt nothing. I waved and said good-day Captain how are 
you, How am I, you Pratt, he bellowed, **** off you cockney Pratt he 
shouted? I remembered, I had not checked out in my dictionary what a 
Pratt was, and still thinking it was a military thing, I stood to 
attention and saluted. He slammed the cabin door, sending an awful pong 
from my old pants wifting down the hallway. 

As I passed another cabin door, Miss Sheely was just leaving her cabin,
and Kevin was just passing her by. She whacked him with her handbag, 
you rude man she said farting in front of a lady. I started to help 
Kevin to his feet just as Miss Sheely whacked him again; I had to let 
him fall, because she was still whacking him. Sorry Kev I said in 
sympathy, Kevin dazed and not knowing what was going on gave a half 
smile back to me. Miss Sheely looked at me with a glare, is he your 
friend she asked menacingly, no lady honest, I lied, I have never seen 
him before in my life. I had a strong instinct she may change her mind 
blaming Kevin, and then start on me. So with wisdom I told her as I 
departed, leaving Kevin still getting bashed up, I would report him to 
the axe man for her, and get him banned for farting at new members. 

But I must admit Kevin does ask for it, he is the most bashed up person
on our friendship forum, some days he walks right into it. It would be 
me I know, if they new who I was, but nobody does. So Kev gets it all. 
Many think I am Stupid and many are right. Sylvie used to say, hear no 
evil see no evil, but it ok to speak evil if you can blame others. And 
don't they blame others on our friendship forum. 

I wondered as I walked towards the sound of music coming from the
dinning room, maybe we should call it the monkey forum for the senior 
senile, s. No that's far from the truth, we are adults after all, and I 
shrugged my shoulders. 

I walked into the dinning room and looked around the room, there were a
lot of people already there. I saw the filing clerk dancing with a big 
Arab, is he new or her boyfriend, I asked the Teddy boy in his pink 
drape suit and white snakeskin casual shoes. No he said, that's her 
minder he is from Mecca the axe man said. I thought he looked too tough 
to be a bingo caller, but there you go, he could have been a kebab cook 
I thought. 

When she saw me she stopped dancing, and got out her camera, and
photographed me. The minder then went over to the corner and bought out 
a pretty coloured filing cabinet, which was ten-feet tall. I went over 
to her and said Hi, I like your new filing cabinet, she turned up her 
nose and said, its not new, it's the one I take with me when I go out 
socially or to dances, my grey one is just for work. 

The Arab looked over towards me, pulling out a large knife, and started
to hone it on the steel bulkhead, I knew he was a kebab cook I said to 
myself, I wonder where his kitchen is. As he walked towards me, hairs 
flowing from his chest, even more from his ears, and tons from his 
nose, but not a single one on his head, I thought, he comes from 
Bradford. He raised his hands, and I was trembling with fear at this 
beast, which made the Barbarian look like Peter Pan, shutting my eyes 
waiting for my execution, he said should I file it for you darling. The 
filing clerk handed him the picture, he returned to the pink filing 
cabinet, and filed it under circles. I looked at his Arabian robes 
flowing by the fan breeze. As his wild robe blew up, I noticed he had 
pink silk knickers on that matched the colour of the pink filing 
cabinet. I admired his class; these Arabs know good silk when they see 
it. He returned to his woman and covered her face with a mask that was 
a nice gesture I though, protecting her from the sun. I bowed in homage 
Arab Style, and departed, head still on. 

Now while I had the chance I slipped out of the room, Into the teddy
boys cabin, and swiped those blue suede shoes l would kill for, it's a 
passion that goes back to my childhood when my sister and I used to 
fight for mums High heals when she was out at work. I never won, but I 
developed a shoe fetish. And I can't stop nicking shoes. Creeping back 
to the door I opened it slowly, I felt an omen in my blood, Then I saw 
Captain ST Bligh walking towards me with his manservant following 
behind holding his nose. 

The Omen was my own pants now under new management. I shut the door with
silence holding my breath, my heart beating two stokes to the hour. He 
passed without seeing me. As I went to turn out the light and leave, I 
noticed the axe mans laptop, so I nicked that as well. 

I hide my booty and returned to the dinning room, nobody had seen me go,
plus nobody knew who I was anyway. I noticed a seat by the barbarian 
that was free, so I asked if I could sit down there, he said I don't 
know if you can he grunted, try it your self. I hesitated with the 
memory of his kisses, and thought by the end of the night he may get 
passionate again with some whisky inside of him, I said don't worry I 
will sit in that other chair on the other side. The Captain ST Bligh 
entered, and bowed to the Teddy boy, who with a flick of his hand he 
gave the Captain permission to join the Friends for Dinner. He walked 
backwards bowing up and down as he went further into the room. 

The only chair left now was beside the Barbarian, Look he said with the
sincerity that is his trade mark, lets be friends and forget the past, 
The barbarian agreed. I glanced over from time to time and noticed the 
barbarian was sniffing around the table, the Captain was unaware why. 
This went on for a while, as the warmth in the room escalated with all 
the food and people in there, the smell getting even stronger as the 
evening went on. My Sister entered the Dinning room just as the lights 
went down for the cabaret, in the dime light she headed towards us, 
turning towards the captain, following a life times instinct, hi micky 
she said. As she got to the Captains chair, I called over Sis I am over 
here. Seeing that it was not I, but following old habits which die-hard 
with a lot of people, she asked me why he smelt like you. I didn't want 
to let her down again by telling her I was thieving again. I replied I 
don't think he washes Sylvie. Well I am glad you do now she said with 
pride, and removing her fingers from her nose for the first time in 
thirty years. 

The barbarian was getting aggravated with the pong by now and he picked
up the Captain laid him on the table and grabbed Kevin. What do you 
want Kevin said I don't know you, just smell his pants said the 
barbarian, stuff you said Kevin, with that the barbarian took of his 
sporran and started thrashing him with it. Sylvie asked what's going on 
micky; nothing sweetheart I replied, Kevin is just doing his normal 
thing. 

With the captain laid out on the table, and Kevin on the floor, I just
knew this was going to be one of those days. When Victor walked in and 
the filing clerk was doing her stuff. Well this night will change 
before long, you see, I told Sylvie, not daring to mention my dream, 
not yet anyway. The ferry rolled a little to the left then to the 
right. 

Chapter 4. 

Sylvie said see you later Micky while the commotion was still going on
with the barbarian, and went over to her husband's table to join him 
for some peace, and fresh air. The axe man went over and intervened 
with the barbarian and the Captain, treading on Kevin's fingers at the 
same time, Kevin still didn't know why they pick on him all the time. 
Let him go he said in Gaelic, why grunted the barbarian still painted 
with his St Andrews cross on his face, with a dedication never to 
remove it as it was a sign from above. And Celtic had won, proving it. 

I need my shoes sucked clean he said, that's why. The barbarian feeling
weak from the smell of the Captains pants relented, and said ok; just 
get him away from my food. The axe man feeling a bit faint himself by 
now, and not knowing it was the captain said, follow me you Pratt, with 
idolizing obedience he followed. After sucking the axe mans white 
snakeskin shoes back to pure white, he was told to return to his duties 
and his normal diplomacy. I watched as the Padre entered looking for 
rich old ladies to convert, or rob, which ever was the easiest. He went 
over to Captain ST Bligh on seeing his gold uniform and thinking this 
could be a convert, as he looks loaded. Hello my son and how are you, 
he asked with true insincerity. Not wanting another attack so soon, the 
Captain said, I am fine father thank you, but all those others are not. 
He likes the Padre, I thought to myself. 

The Padre smelling the pong said, are you a camel trader by any chance.
No said the Captain why do you ask. Trying to feel holy and kind and 
putting his financial situation on the back burner for a while, the 
Padre said, no reason Captain its just that you remind me of my home in 
Afghanistan. 

The Captain had visions of Chinese General Gordon and thought the padre
was comparing the two of them. With his abnormal modesty, the Captain 
thanked the Padre. Are you a believer he asked the Captain? Yes Father 
he lied, and what church are you, the Padre asked. Russian orthodox the 
Captain said, hoping to fool the Padre. And do you go often the Padre 
continued. Well not at the moment father he replied, Moscow is to far 
away. 

Sensing a convert he said, then why not get a church near you instead.
Now beginning to think he would be found out by the holy man he decided 
to be honest for a change. Well to be honest father I am a scientist 
and don't believe it anymore, he said. With false shock the Padre went 
into a rage, you will never go to heaven, nor be buried on holy ground. 
I am going to be cremated he said. Well your dust will never go to 
heaven anyway, so relent my son, give yourself into my care and I will 
make you whole. Which means in agnostic terms I will make a hole in 
your bank account. 

I left them debating the ups and downs of religion, and wondered which
one would go up and which one would go down, as they were both of the 
same religion. Maybe they would go together, up or down. 

Victor had come in the room earlier and passed the filing clerk with her
mask still on. Hi Vic how are you I asked, I am happy micky he said my 
friends are not here. Do you know where I can find a wheel barrow he 
asked, what for Vic I replied. Well I need to move some wine barrels to 
my cabin and they are full. I looked around the room. I saw an electric 
scooter belonging to a gentleman that had gone to the toilet on his 
bike. Borrow that Vic I said. Great idea micky he said, thanks. As he 
drove it out of the dinning room the clerk wrote down the registration 
number and photographed victor driving off. She filed the evidence in 
her pink cabinet, then went to the axe man and reported him for drunk 
driving. That will get him banned on the road she said to the axe man, 
so why not on the ocean. The Teddy boy asked her, was the scooter taxed 
and insured. I don't know she replied, but I have friends that will 
find out at our next secret meeting. 

I am glad she isn't a friend of mine, funny what a mask can do, hides
everything, I thought to myself. 

Dinner over and the tables cleared the band started playing live music.
The Kenneth Moore Seniority Trio played country music to start the 
nights dancing. And before my wide-open eyes, in walked my nurse. Clip 
Clopping along to the drums, with her legs. I joined the beat with 
mine. Ken played three little legs; country style and I joined my nurse 
line-dancing. The barbarian joined in with an American republican, 
called Joy, thinking she owned a Pub. We danced and had fun, every time 
I kicked up my legs brushing my nurses legs, more and more of the black 
shoe polish on my stolen trousers shined her legs, after the tenth 
dance she had black legs. And my gold braid stripes were clean and 
shining. You look like an English Gentleman now she said to me. Thanks 
sweetheart I replied, as I blew her a kiss across the line. 

The captain recognised his pants and came over to me, before he could
say a word, the whole line of line dancers both sides fainted with the 
pong of him. I didn't faint as I was used to the smell, after all those 
years of wearing them. I fled encase he wanted them back, and I was 
never going to wear my own trousers again, no never. Sylvie used to say 
if you can stuff them, stuff them, just as long as it's legal. 

The way I see it, it was a fair swap. And possession is nine tenths of
the law. I knew he would understand that, as he is always legal and 
obeys the law. But even if he is a crook, he still aint getting his 
pants back. 

I decided to retrieve my stolen blue suede shoes and my new laptop to
give the dance time to recover. So I went into the cabin I had stashed 
my loot in to get them. As I was getting them, I heard the cabin 
residents returning, I hid in the shower and left the curtains open 
just enough to see when they would leave, so that I could escape. In 
walked the filing clerk with the mask still on her face protecting her 
from the sun and with her minder. She was telling him off and mumbling 
instructions for him to obey. He had streaks down his face, and I 
thought maybe she has slashed his face for something. Also knowing that 
in some countries they practice rituals like in Africa, when they scar 
people to make them more beautiful. 

She removed her mask, I wish she had kept it on, I thought. The Arab
minder removed his robes and he looked thin, the marks on his face were 
not scars but sweat streaks that revealed he was half white, and not 
brown all over, with anger and words I could not hear to well behind 
the shower curtain she started to stain his face again. With his robe 
on the floor, I saw that he had a pretty pink petticoat to match his 
knickers. He had style I thought even if he isn't an Arab. Maybe he is 
a fashion model, I thought. 

With his petticoat removed but his knickers still on, I saw some car
inner tubes strapped around his body, and some vespa inner tubes around 
his arms. The filing clerk then proceeded to blow him up; he grew 
larger with each breath. Till he looked like the Michelin man. God I 
thought, he is a suicide bomber she is going to blow him up first. But 
I relaxed when she pulled the hair from his nose ears and chest, and 
stuck them with glue back on his head. He now looked like a hippy with 
a ponytail. This I thought was the man that made the barbarian look 
like peter pan. When in fact he was Peter Pan. They left for the dance 
after the pump up and hairdo, he looking whole once again, and she 
looking real nice in her new jackboots and leather jacket. 

I took my time as they left, giving them time to get to the dance. I
gazed at the cabin walls and noticed picture of Napoleon Mussolini and 
Hitler. And domination books in the bookcase. I thought she must like 
history. I wish I had studied history at school, I thought. Education 
is good. I hope one day I can learn like they have, I know they have 
all the things I lack, real class. But that's my fault really by 
bunking off school. 

I returned to my cabin and tried on one suede shoe, it fitted perfect. I
knew I could not wear it now as the axe man would see it, so I packed 
the one away that I wanted and left the other one out, that I had a 
plan for. When I am in Switzerland and having coffee with Doreen I can 
wear my one then, I thought she would love my blue suede shoe. 

I opened up my new laptop. Still no XP Pro on it, just windows 3. He
should have updated I thought, but Scots are like that, anything to 
save the pennies. Blast he has a password on it, now I will have to 
remove the battery and try that way in if all else fails. I typed in 
loads of name and numbers, nothing worked. In my frustrations and rage 
I was even going to give it back to him, but I wasn't that desperate 
really. 

I sat down and thought deep into my shallow mind. I remembered an old
film I had seen long ago when I was 90. The safe cracker said if you 
put in Adolf Hitler's birth date, you would open up half the safes in 
Germany. He was my Dad that's why I remember. Think of a famous Scot I 
said to myself. I could think of nothing but my nurse. So I looked in 
my now almost filled diary, I will have to get a filing cabinet very 
soon. And there it was under famous Scot's. So in I typed it in, ST 
Patrick, and before my eyes it opened up. What a good thing knowledge 
is I laughed to myself; I am getting so good at this education stuff. 

There was a front page dedicated to Scotland with a Scot flag on it. It
was a lovely shade of blue and a Star of David in the middle. I didn't 
feel like telling the barbarian that the cross was wrong on his face, 
it should be a star, but I knew the other members would tell him he was 
wrong and right anyway, after six months of posts. And many Pratt's. 

I scanned the axe mans files, it had lots of selections, I looked under
grass to see if the grass is greener in Scotland. There at the top was 
a lot of names and who said what. Funny that I thought, none say they 
would get people banned, they believe in free speech and debate, nor 
would they tell tales yet the file was full. I read to the bottom of 
the file, and it said scale or rewards to informers. Top informers can 
do as they like it said. Grass must be paid for was the ending line. I 
think Teddy is from greenpeace. 

I went to another file and noticed secret information on fag papers and
different types of tobacco shag. I played around with the words a 
little, juggling them about. And I found rizla green and red papers and 
shag open up other thoughts. I wish I had studied more. Well time was 
getting on, so I switched off with the thought I can read more later. I 
picked up the shoe that didn't fit my wooden leg and left my cabin. On 
the way back to the dance I placed the shoe in the Padre's cabin. 
Hoping that I could take over his church and the wealthy widows if he 
got arrested. Which he will if the Captain finds out. 

My sister was dancing with her husband and my nurse playing the drums
with her legs and Ken on the piano. Where have you been my nurse asked 
as she ended sandy nelsons hit, let there be drums. I just went to have 
a pint of wine with Victor I told her, knowing Victor wouldn't remember 
if he was asked. 

As the music had now ended, the Teddy boy got up onto the stage, shining
in his pink drape suit, and gleaming white shoes polished to perfection 
by the captain. Welcome to the members he said, to loud applause from 
the captain. Everyone else, talking about everyone else, and not 
noticing the boss. 

He got me and Elizabeth to give a drum roll, with our three legs, which
got their attention. 

Welcome he repeated, as you know we have our annual holiday every year
and this year we are going to Switzerland to invest in the bank 
business. With the mention of banks every one held their pockets and 
handbags tight to them. But that's not why I am talking to you he went 
on, everyone relaxed. 

It's our awards ceremony now, and I would like to give out the awards
myself this year as I am here. Normally you would not see me, but I 
have bank business as well, that's why you see me. Every one applauded 
in silence except the captain, he rushed to the stage and shouted Teddy 
I love you. 

Teddy held out his shoe in friendship to the Captain, and as an example
of humility to the peasants. Can I have an autographed photo he 
screamed, later later said Teddy? 

Now top boy this year is the captain who with diligence consideration
compassion and dedication to others, and my shoes, above and beyond the 
call of duty, and as leading Pratt, he is the top member and will be in 
charge if I am away at the races or the pub. Every one said, nothing 
new this year then Teddy. Teddy didn't know what they were talking 
about. As he goes on other sites gumming them up most days. And he 
can't get in seniority as he has banned himself. Hugh posted as AXA2. 
And he is trying to work it out. 

Sylvie was angry; she said to me, micky, you are more a bum than him,
why is he the winner. Sylvie I replied, trust me he won fair and 
square. I returned to my nurse to have my wooden leg nailed to hers. 

The lights went out for moments and then came on again, as the ferry
rolled to the left, then to the right. 

What's happening many said. Kevin appeared from under the table as the
barbarian released his foot. 

I was right, after a few scotches stay away from a Scot. 


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